<1449>

Woot, no class today! My one and only afternoon class got cancelled since it's supposed to get worse out this afternoon/early evening.

Even though I knew it was going to snow today, did I go to the grocery store yesterday? Nooooo. But I just went now, at the last possible minute before it gets really yuck out. I'm such a procrastinator.

<2340>

Speaking of procrastinating, I have a 1-pager in my most annoying class (with all the piddly assignments) due tomorrow. I'm going to do it during lunch.

I wish they would just cancel tomorrow, at least the morning. Goooooooooo Hopkins. Caaaaaaaancel class.

I taped the Idol because I was doing something else instead, and I figured watching it without commercials and bullshit would be much shorter (very true, and it will become truer as the season goes on). Also since I figured out how to make the VCR tape things from the DirectTV receiver (involves swapping cables with the DVD player). While it was on in the living room and I was in here on the computer, I was thinking what a great song every Allman Brothers song is, but in particular, Whipping Post, and how I always wanted to sing it at karaoke but they didn't have it. And then I watch the tape after 24, AND BO BICE SANG IT! He wins all my votes forever for his very cool song selection and for actually being a rocker not like that showboy Constantine who can't hit a damn note to save his life somehow. I have to say, though, the Idol band didn't exactly do the best cover, but I guess that's a tall order.

Anyway, I've decided that reality TV is my exercise time, and I dance around the living room and lift my little wussy weights. This is the only way to justify watching two hours of Idol (goes back to one soon, thank goodness), and one hour of ANTM starting Wednesday with the new season. I figured since I found what I saw of cycle 3 so intriguing, I might as well start watching right away. I bet Janice Dickinson could out-sexually harrass Simon any day.

Speaking of which, what the hell Simon, what was up with that microphone comment last week! I note that I failed to register my outrage at the time, but now that I seem to be writing a column on reality TV, I will comment now. You're a dick!

In addition to my TV exercise, I have also been attempting to pace around the house while reading. Because otherwise a) I sit on my ass a lot; and 2) I also snack while I sit on my ass, which is much harder to do while pacing.

<0230>

Chris Rock is so great... I just watched one of his old shows, and now I'm pumped for the Oscars tomorrow.

Also, during a commercial I fliiped to the old school SNL, on which they had a commercial making fun of 3-blade razors! "Because you'll believe anything." !!!

Tomorrow, lunch with Joe... I hope I can get up at the right hour without setting an alarm (for noon!).

<1444>

Brunch was tasty and fun. Now I'm supposed to do work. :p

Joe was saying that turning 25 freaked him out (esp in conjunction with a crapload of stressful paper writing). Jenn was also talking about her birthday on her webpage. I guess for me I was more freaked out last year when other people were turning 25... it was like, whoa, that rounds up to 30! But for me this year, I'm not feeling like it's any kind of different birthday, except that it makes renting a car a whole lot cheaper. It doesn't sound too old to me, it doesn't make me feel like I have to be any more of an adult than being 24 implies. I dunno, I'm just not feeling it.

I just want simple things for my birthday. Photos and mix tapes.

Esp music... I feel like I need some new music.

<0025>

After going to bed way too late, I was really hoping for a snow day, but it turned out to be a beautiful sunny day and all the sidewalk snow melted quickly. Class was low-key, and then after lunch I met with rajiv and it felt productive and my brain sort of worked.

I had a dream last night that I had the last Biostats problem set, and I was kinda fooling around with it and finished it! So i emailed all the girls to say, do the problem set, it's quick and covers stuff we already know! How sad is my life if that's like the exciting dreams I had.

Anyway, I hiked to Hampden from the shuttle for some wine store goodness, getting the beer Jer suggested, and a wine that was on sale, marked by a sign that said, "No really, this." Which was good enough to convince me. It's tasty Spanish goodness.

I have done nothing productive since getting home. Woot!

Now, to bed, though any late night callers should call me and wake me up and entertain me.

<0005>

I didn't want to say it to anyone at school, but I think I pretty much rawked the biostats midterm. Esp heartening is that I found it not that hard but could recognize that it was making us stretch to put things together that we hadn't quite done before, which is kind of evil, but puts me in a good place.

Though there's always room for dumb mistakes in that sitch.

I survived the afternoon after a lovely decompression lunch with the girls. Then got home and did nothing, surfed the web, took a nap, and then finall pooped out three pages to turn in tomorrow. Then did more nothing. Now I should go to bed. Tomorrow, early class (probably won't get cancelled even with the sparkly snow all around), then lunch, then meet with Rajiv... I'm more concerned about that last one and getting some semblance of thoughts together so it's actually productive and not just me being all, I like stuff and want to do research and have funding!

Then, veg.

<2334>

This week such hell. I got my booklet done, which was fun, even though I had to cram it in this morning. Grah. Studied for Biostats tonight and I should be rawkin it tomorrow. Then afternoon class followed by meeting with my FDA crew, though I desperately hope they'll have figured out our entire paper outline by the time I get there and all will be well and I can go home. To write a 3-pager, which is an opinion piece involving very minor research, but I know it will be a vast pain in the ass and I am tiiiiiiiired. Class Friday, meet with Rajiv, come home via beer store and crash/watch TV. Maybe I'll rent a movie or two. I'm beat.

<0019>

Gruh, school. I finished my presentation, but then I went to print it, and I decided to write in a bunch of notes. Which definitely makes me feel more comfortable with it, but which also took forever, and now I'm just going to postpone my stupid 1-2 page annoying ass shit thing until tomorrow morning when I hope I can just whip it out. But I'll def be tired for the marathong Tuesday. Bleh. And I had to cancel my meeting with Rajiv until Friday, since I have a thing due Wed afternoon and I know know know I'll need up until then to do it because I will feel blasted when I get home tomorrow. Breagh. AND, I still can't make things record properly on my VCR, and thereby I missed the first boys Idol. Booo. But I did not miss 24, thank goodness. I love you, 24.

In awesome news, Roxanne got into the PhD program in Health Sevices Research wooot! As she noted, how crazy is it to have two girls from the same class at AA at the same grad school... esp when it's public health and not like law school or some crap! :-)

I'm trying to decide what to do with spring break. S was talking today about doing fun stuff around B-more, which would be cool. I was pondering Boston (I know, I know, but things are cool now, they are) for the 2nd weekend, since that's the 1st weekend of their spring break, but who knows who will be around, and then there's possible hockey interference with plans. I dunno. But then I probably wouldn't come until dead week at the earliest. Maybe that's not so terrible. But I know in a few weeks it'll feel more terrible!

<0814>

I guess since I got up early, I should get to work on that thing I have due.

I'm bummed about Hunter Thompson, but only in the sense that he's done filling the world with craziness. I mean, really, how else was he going to die? Old age? Not likely. I suppose massive organ failure, but I bet he could see that coming a mile away and head it off at the pass. Crazy crazy man.

I guess I should also comment on the continuing Larry Summers turmoil. I read the transcript, and it was pretty much as idiotic as I thought, but I also don't like that people are using it as a reason to drag out all the shit they hate about the dude and piling it on. I mean, all you can really ask, when someone makes dumb statements that aren't really as well-backed scientifically as they think they are, is that you'll convince them of this, and they'll say, wow, you're right, I was dumb, I'm sorry. I mean, these particular comments were particularly inflammatory to be so wrong about given the topic and the context of tenure, but, I dunno. It gives credence to all those assholes out there who think this whole thing has been about oppression of speech instead of beef with bad science.

<0154>

All's kickass on the western front. Woot!

That was some mighty fine talkin'.

In schoolwork news, I exiled the evil friggin Biostats pset to doneness, and I got some of my presentation done, but still plenty of that left, plus the stupid scales comparison 1-2 pager due Tuesday (I need to find some easy scales and just get that shit done), brochure for Weds (should be fun, once I get to it), meeting with my pharma paper group Thursday (who's the slacked in the group this term.... meee! Well, not just me, but includes me!) after my Biostats midterm, and Friday I have a 3-pager due that's really just an op-ed piece on either setting up health clinics during apartheid, condom machines in schools, or prostitution laws. I know, wtf. Not to mention meeting with Rajiv Weds to talk about what the hell I'm going to do with my life, so maybe I should gather up a more coherent clue than the jumble of ideas I have. Grar.

But, I got a lot of mental resources opened up.

And a whole lot of sleep to get now.

And a tape from last week so I can actually just tape the Idol and watch it next weekend (I think I'll have to watch 24, though, I don't trust the tape that much).

<1801>

I feel way better today after going to bed at a decent hour and sleeping until 11. I should just always sleep until 11.

I've even been moderately productive, but mostly only on little crappy readings and biostats that don't make a dent into the stuff that's actually *due*.

But that's okay!

Yesterday when I was feeling yucky I had a brief flashing back of sadness, but it was a different sadness, less complex and balled up and simpler and more straightforward. And I got up and browsed through some photos, and instead of making me sadder, they made me happier, and they were just nice to look at instead of some symbol of loss. This is progress.

<2039>

I feel yucky. My head hurts and my stomach is grumbly. I need to get work done, but I might just go to bed. I took a nap this afternoon, but it didn't make up for the relative lack of sleep the last two nights.

Tomorrow and Sunday I need to bust some shit out.

<0123>

I feel worlds better. I feel good about people, I feel good about friendship, I feel good about the possibilities of open communication. And I feel good in a very healthy right-now kind of way, not in reference to some other place and time, but just to right now, this moment 2005, sitting with my computer on my lap in Baltimore peering into an honest mind hundreds of miles away. My feet may have just hit the ground, they may have stopped treading air, I may be striking off running right now.

<1624>

I hope Bill is planning to fix this heat. It's okay during the day, but I don't like night.

I should do some work but lalala! And then 24 thanks to my real-life sexy hero, Lee!

<1942>

HEAT!!!!!

I still haven't watched 24. I had to catch up on the entire internet and then catch up with my brain because it is like, wow. I have failed to do work! I'm so bad!

<2242>

I hate it when dumb people think they can be helpful. No, don't try to be helpful, you're dumb!

I feel much less tired today after sleeping a lot last night. I'm also glad to know that Bill didn't just turn the heat off out of cheapness, it's actually just broken or something. He asked me if I had the thermostat way down, and I was like, noooooo. But it hasn't come back on, so that concerns me. I like not being frozen.

I have a midterm tomorrow that I just don't care about. Blech. And then I have to try and figure out how the research community is tied in with FDA drug approvals and zzzzzzzzzzz. But this week is way less bad than next week, when I have something due, like, almost every day. Three things to prepare for Tuesday, even. It's going to be a party weekend. In Biostats yesterday, Bandeen was all, the midterm is already next week, and I felt like, already? Hasn't this term already been 57 weeks already? I can't believe how much it seems to be dragging, and how unmotivated I've been feeling. I want to go do research things now, fuck classes.

After many days in a row of feeling vile, today I've pulled it together a bit. I mapped out on my markerboard (everyone should own a markerboard) all the aspects of my life that I want or require, what makes me happy, what I miss when its missing, what motivates me. This gives me something to work with, because I had gotten to the point where I felt like nothing was working and I had nowhere to go, but I came to realize that there were a lot of things muddled together that could be separated and worked on independently. I don't know if it will stick, but I can have a look at it when I'm lost in bad thought patterns of useless bargaining with reality, and maybe get back to real reality where I have some actual ability to make change.

If that makes any sense.

<2307>

How did I do so little tonight? Did some minor Biostats in the last two hours, and that was pretty much it. I'm exhausted again, but I haven't gone to bed. I didn't do the piling dishes, though I did brush my teeth, which is, I guess, something. Why can't I get anything done?

Tuesday's *are* tiring, I guess. I also did manage to be very productive in the crevices between places I had to be today, including zipping to the library before my first class to photocopy and article. But it's not enough, given my uselessness this weekend. It's not enough.

I'm being tried. My least strong virtue, my patience, being tried. God, I neve cease to be amazed how different other people can be... I can't rest a day or think about anything else so long as my mind is full of emotional or socially-relevant things to say. Never mind if I have any reason to defend myself... my god, it's rapid-fire then! I try to be open, flexible, cool and collected and IT KILLS ME WHEN MY LIMITS ARE STRETCHED. Just poke me with a stick, please.

<0015>

You know, somehow I knew Garden State would be the more depressing to me of the movies I rented. :-/

I dunno, just caps a day whose theme has been non-validation of my life choices.

<0032>

Then again, no. Given all I know, how can I say that? These things have two sides.

<1140>

I feel somewhat better today. Even though it's raining. I need to go buy a video tape and then make sure I set up my VCR correctly for 24 tonight.

I also need to restart some sort of cognitive adjustment. I don't like this feeling out of sorts business.

<1350>

Okay, fucken lame, I go out in the rain to procure a video tape so I can record 24 tonight, come home, and discover that there's no way to access the VCR menu without the original remote control. Seriously, what in the hell. Put a fucken menu button on the console!

<2212>

The Monologues were great! Lots of fun.

The weather is gorgeous outside... put me in a great mood. Wonderful warm breezy post-rain, heating up for tomorrow. An energetic night, the kind to go walk in the trees, by the river (if there were a river), through the grass. Electric, who is electric enough to walk with me. Damn, remember the days of walking? Old ABQ crew, we walked all over, and J and I would walk on rare occasion in college down by the Charles. It was an event. It was something to do. Those nights were vibrant, they were important, they felt huge. Decisions of precedent were made! Stars were viewed! Remember laying out in the grass after SciOly watching the sky? Crazy nights. Better than the bars and all that.

<1506>

My dreams ran the gambit last night. It was either 1) emotionally-exciting, but not at all helpful; or 2) rather realistic, but also, not helpful because I don't need to relive being sad and ignored. Dreams, can you just be generic and friendly? Is that too much to ask?

Some things make me so sad. I hate to see good people engulfed by harmful impulses.

Tomorrow I'm going to see Vagina Monologues with a bunch of girls. :-) I think this is an amusing way to spend V-day, and the money goes to House of Ruth, a center for victims of domestic violence, so that is also great.

<1857>

I'm feeling pissy and aggravated today. Time is flying by without anything productive or fun happening, I'm underwhelmed by the people in my life, and I'm just annoyed with the world. Poo on everything.

<1332>

Brunch was super fun. I didn't know that the Golden West was actually owned by New Mexicans, and hence, they have Hatch chile shipped in for breakfast burrito goodness. It was a little different than traditional NM fare, but pretty damn good nonetheless. The crew was fun... mostly political science grad students with a history thrown in, and they were cool people, interesting conversation and all. So looks like I have something fun to do on Saturdays.

Then I went to the wine shop in Hampden that I found out existed since the last (long time ago) time I was there. It's fab. It's like the Downtown Liquors of here. I should really a) re-learn how to ride a bike; and b) obtain one so it's easier to get to Hampden and back, because it's only a mile away, but it seems so far. It's muchly uphill towards there, but fast coming back. I guess if I regularly end up going there on Saturdays, that's kinda cool, though.

Sorta tired today... I did have to get up to go to the Farmer's Market before brunch, but I also had trouble falling asleep last night. After such a peppy day, all the monsters decided to come out in the dark. It was almost entertaining, the new combinations of nightmares my brain could create. It's amazing that in spite of its creativity, the world still never fails to surprise me with things that are somehow less worse but more awful.

On my walk back, walking being another prime time for monsters, but a vastly more comfortable time, I was pondering that clearly my reputation as a very mean person has not survived well in my absence. Who is my ambassador? Who is failing to propogate my legend? Whoever you are, you are fired, for you have failed to instill requisite fear in the hearts of the young.

I dunno what the hell happened, but it went from sunny and pleasant when I was walking to brunch to grey and chilly and breezy afterwards. Which sucks because it might be nice to do things today, but I'm already sneezing like a mof and I was freezing. Lame weather.

<2308>

Wow. Just finally watched Monster. Based on what I'd heard, I expected to be completely depressed after watching it, but despite it being completely fucked up and wrong, it was still so amazing that I actually feel upbeat. Maybe that makes me fucked up and wrong. :-/ Or maybe it's the triumphant and peppy music at the end and during the credits? Crazy.

Should I watch Garden State or save it until later? Hmmm. I think I have it for a week. I could watch SNL now.

Antsy antsy antsy.

<2018>

I'm feeling pretty upbeat today, even though I'm clearly getting a cold. Lame. But I've managed to be non-academically productive, getting through a buttload of laundry, doing some cleaning, making delicious dinner, and getting ready to be even more productive. I rule the school.

And tomorrow I'm getting up earlier than I'd like, but I have to hit the Farmer's Market, and then I'm going to brunch with a New Mexicans and Co. crew in Hampden. I found this guy on Friendster who went to old Hubert Humphrey! So I had to message him, and he told me some Nuevo Mexicanos and wannabes get together roughly weekly for green chile brunch. So that is exciting.

Speaking of the Spanish, my wonderful socialist prof says "comprend" for "comprehend." It's so great.

My inbox is so quiet.

<1627>

Had lunch with Pro today at an indian food place I got a recommendation for on the shuttle. It was delish. Pro seems to be doing well, and it was cool to chlil with him. I guess I must have got my hair cut after I last saw him, because he was surprised.

And it's surprising to me that it's grown out noticeably since late December. I sprout.

Lalalala, not going to be productive wooooo.

<0018>

In my town, more people are murdered per capita than in any other big city in the nation! (Aw). But the only people that get murdered are the drug dealers! (yay!) :-/

No really, Baltimore is awesome. Not at all drug- and homicide-ridden.

Things are going 57 times better. Things seem to be proceeding pleasantly on one level, despite a big anticipatory void on another level. But that's okay too. I just really want everything to feel good and happy and safe.

I got my homework done for tomorrow... now just one more thing due Thursday, and a Biostats quiz, so I hope to knock that off tomorrow before class (unless I really sleep in obscenely late), and then I should be able to hang out with Pro and Em (I think they're around? I failed to call and see because I was doing homework, and now it's late, so I'm assuming they have crash space), and I can catch up on reading crap this weekend.

I was frazzled after my billion hours of school today, but now I feel relaxed and under control.

<2026>

I could be playing poker in Canton, but instead I have too much homework. So Pro and I will go out to lunch tomorrow instead.

I keep forgetting, though, that for this class my final project does not have to be a big old paper, but just a ten-minute presentation, meaning I won't actually have to dig up all sorts of references on the topic. Unless I decide it's a good direction to go in for dissertation, then I will have to wade through tons of stuff. But I'll have to talk to Rajiv.

This particular project is not helping with the occasional pangs of psychosomatic nausea, though.

<0719>

Due to lack of ability to sleep anymore in Boston, I am catching an earlier flight to B-more. I could have caught an even earlier flight, but I just missed it. That's okay. I am going home and going to bed, and we'll see about school later.

Woo Pats! Although it wasn't as exciting this year, particularly with all the sad Eagles fans around last night. But this morning in the terminal, the gate guy was razzing all the people getting on a fligfht to Philly, which was amusing.

<2208>

School didn't happen, as expected. Took forever to get home from the airport, and then I had something to work on, and then I napped until 24. Now I have no motivation to do Biostats at all.

<1643>

Last night was fun. We went to Chuck's, and then the Kong. Then we hassled undergrads by phone and tried to open the cave for more liquor, but we were denied.

<1725>

I rarely do this, but this weekend's entries have been substantially pared from their original versions. It's not that I don't stand behind most of the comments, but sometimes goodwill is worth more than having a say about things all the time.

I do have to say I'm not sure if I'll be coming back to Boston for a long long time, even though I love my friends and the town.

<1745>

I'm feeling really drained right now. Better in a lot of ways, far less angry. But still profoundly sad.

<0046>

Hockey game was fun, and we won. Old people went to Shay's after, and then there was Kong, and now people are just hanging around watching movies. Pretty chill.

<1317>

Lalala, Saturday! It's so sunny. I actually went and sat on the Mem Church steps for a while.

Now chilling with Courtenay!

<1730>

Sometimes it's important to balance cynicism with hope about people. Because sometimes that hard-learned cynicism is dead-on.

It's going to be a fun weekend.

<0027>

What if I just didn't go to Boston this weekend? Probably the only people who would notice might be percussion, but they probably even have enough people not to care. I could just not go, and then I wouldn't have to worry about where to sleep and what to do and how to act, and I wouldn't have to deal with the inevitable crappiness that is more the rule than the exception, and I could just ignore everything that is scraping at me. I could just be like, poof! I'm done with you, Boston! See you at Commencement! That's the goal after this trip anyway, but maybe now's as good a time as any to say it. The kids, the kids are great to see, and Boston is great to see, but the kids don't need me, and I don't need Boston that much this frigid time of year, so maybe I should just forget to pack tomorrow night and forget to get on a plane Friday afternoon. Wouldn't that be easy?

I think that really is my problem, the complete disorientation I get in Boston these days. There used to be stability, a plan, a script, a schema when I lived there. I knew where to go, what to do, how to act. Now it's all up in the air and I hate it. I hate being lost.

<1406>

Dear vast majority of my brain that is sane,

You may have noticed that the brain community has recently been affected detrimentally by a small, but vocal minority, the insane parts of the brain. As the majority, you vastly outnumber this small group, and you need to work together to keep this minority under control. You have the power.

Thanks,
The Management

In other words, geez, get a grip, Creel.

<2228>

I'm feeling vastly better about the trip this weekend. I mean, I'm still bringing along an annoying amount of work, and I'll still have an annoying amount to do when I return, but that's okay. I have fun plans for the whole weekend, and it should all be very lively and awesome.

I have to say, the one good thing about the freakout yesterday was that it did sort of reveal that things here are actually going pretty well, and they're feeling more social and interesting. So, that is excellent. If my whole life could just feel more cohesive, that would be good.

<1036>

Am I a bad person because I hate hate hate glow and cheer and fuzzy bunnies? I just DON'T NEED IT.

I know what I need and I can't stand it.

<1404>

The music at the grocery store shoould not make me cry.

I am feeling disconsolate today.

<1421>

Coffee makes me feel better.

Maybe it ws a mistake, to think acutely painful would somehow be worse than this chronic throbbing (that feels pretty acute at times anyway). Who knows, maybe acute would have turned into chronic anyway. But, considering how things have gone, sometimes I wonder if they really could have gone that much worse another way. At least then there would be more good moments added on.

<1921>

Oh, dinner was so damn good! The SBS crew went to Helmand, which I gather is much like the one in Cambridge, though I never went to that one. Delicious. It was nice to chill with the crew too. :-)

I was pleased to have my assessment of a certain communication style confirmed a little.

I have no desire to work now. Foooood coma.

<2343>

Amused to ill in one email... I'm sure it means nothing.

Sometimes the Eternal Sunshine scenario is so appealing... what if it could just all be better because I wouldn't know what I was missing.

<2031>

I've made a new resolution to actually try to post to hubba less. It's sort of a dumb resolution, since my posting percentage isn't that horrendous this month compared to other months, but it was like the largest overall volume ever on hubba. But, still, I ought to have better things to do. Instead, I intend to email people my individual snarky comments. Buahaha.

Tuesday is such a pain. I got home so late, and now I don't want to do any work. Bleargh!

Speaking of bleargh, I was feeling that way about my upcoming Boston trip today. I'm sure it will be fun, but I was feeling cynical.

As part of some mild misanthropy today, I think I actually made a good decision, which was to bail on one of the group projects. If we can do it by ourself, I'm gonna.