<1356>

The kids got back, and now I am fishing for exciting tales.

I hope my stuff from Office Depot comes before I have to go to class. I don't think they would just leave it... a big filing cabinet, a marker board, a box of paper, and some markers. I got coupons in the mail, which saved me like $45. Insane. Anyway, too much large stuff just to leave. But I wanna know where it is!

<1902>

Woot, got my stuff before I had to go to class. Yay filing cabinet space, and sweet marker board.

Reports coming in from the kids confirm that the ski trip was mostly chill and fun, except for the horrendous transmission meltdown yesterday on the way back. Fun. Car trouble keeps getting worse every year. Next year, one van is just going to spontaneously combust.

You know, I had the idea that there was no van trouble for the insane trip of 2001, but I forgot, Jenn's car!

<1520>

I wish some people would understand that the context of my life now is totally different than it was two years ago, and that they would adjust their conversation accordingly.

I mean, really, urgh.

The kids are coming back from the ski trip today, which is good because email has been stagnant. I hope people send along all the dirt.

<2238>

The kids don't appear to have returned. I swear all the information at my disposal says they're coming back today, so either they left very late, or they've gotten very lost. :-(

<1127>

Last night was super fun. The restaurant we went to was lovely, and lots of the crew was there. I like the extended HPM doctoral crew a lot. Then we went to the Belvedere for another drink, and I was home by midnight, which is a nice sane hour.

I curled my hair out of Friday-afternoon procrastination. The cool thing about short hair is that it actually stays curled!

<2242>

I succumbed to TV watching and cocktails. And now it's snowing! That shit ain't gonna get shoveled until late tomorrow.

Although Bill hid or lost the shovel. So he's gonna have to deal with it.

There's an editorial on drunk dialing in the NYT, but I'm too tipsy to concentrate on it, so I'll report more tomorrow.

<2020>

I've temporarily concluded the beast noises are really just the pipes, because they only seem to happen when the pipes are on, and I heard them already this evening, leading me to believe there is some contribution of coldness (usually happens at night, but today was pretty damn cold).

School is going well so far. Yesterday I went in early and helped rock out a small grant proposal with the new advisor. Today I had a luncheon for my fellowship, which was helpful for thinking about funding and such. Classes are decent so far. Biostats is going to be interesting this term, as we're getting into regression and such. It seems a little more hardcore. Communication strategies is fun, and I'm sort of on a literacy groove right now between this class and the grant. Seminar is great, and it's fun to have a class with just the 7 of us and Barbara... it's very relaxed. Psychosocial Factors has good reading, but the prof's lecture style is not the most super engaging, so I spend a lot of time trying to stay awake. Tomorrow I have Politics of Health Policy, which is 3.5 hours, part lecture, part discussion, and all the reading is totally socialist, as I hear the prof is. So it should be a hoot.

Everyone really likes my haircut a ton. Like, effusively so. The girls were even discussing it independent of my presence, I have heard.

Tomorrow should be fun: one of the guys in the other concentrations is having a birthday, and the whole crew from last term's larger seminar was invited. That was such a damn fun seminar. So that should be good. Then the weekend: homework like crazy. I need to get a jump on things because I want to be ahead of things since I'm going to Boston next weekend and then Pro and Em will be around and I ought to hang with them some. :-)

<0031>

Can't sleep, can't sleep, can't sleeeeep! Maybe tomorrow's 8am wakeup will jolt me back on track, but it would be nice to be able to go to sleep when I try.

I seem unusually plagued as of late. I can't tell if not being able to fall asleep makes my brain run around, or if my brain running around keeps me awake. Probably a cycle.

Not helpful are the recurrent beast noises... I think it's either the pipes or some portion of the window settling in the cold, since it only seems to happen at night. But grah! Annoying!

<2310>

I did hear the beast noises earlier, but that doesn't mean it's not a beast! If it is a beast, it's definitely under the floor, near the pipe. Very scary!

I slept so crappily last night... tired...

But I got my USB cable, and my printer is great! It's very cute, and while it doesn't have a duplex tray, it can figure out double-sided printing and even tells me what to do so I don't screw it up.

All these evil profs have assigned reading for the first day of class, even though we don't get syllabi until the class starts. Already behind, not even started yet!

I was just telling Moj I miss the Band too when they're not in Boston, even though I'm not there. Hubba and IM gets quiet. Fewer facebook changes! Most of the kids are on the ski trip, though several are not, so maybe they'll be lively. :-) Though some of those are going elsewhere for intersession.

I had to have the intercession/intersession talk already, and yet that damn kid Loy still screwed it up!

Okay, time to get ready to sleep.

<0122>

In my wandering thoughts tonight I wondered, if I could go back to the beginning, knowing all the things I know now, how would it all have turned out? So many excruciating moments along the path come up, and it's pleasant to imagine them somehow erased. And yet, at the end of the troubled journey was light and joy, and to know it so clearly as such is something I couldn't give up. I cringe to imagine that part erased.

But that is the illness at this juncture, the misalignment. I have witnessed the false and betraying. I know, I *know* what is real and true and worth keeping close. But I also know I can't transmit that knowledge, that it requires living it. I know that there are no words to persuade, to bargain, to illustrate. And so, one thing shared, seen totally differently. That is the sad universal isolation of the world.

<1230>

Man, I could not get to sleep last night. Which is fine, since I don't have class until 3:30, but still, lame. I kept thinking there was some kind of beast in my room, but I think it was just the pipes making noise. Also, the heat was less-than-responsive to my thermostat setting, so I kept having to turn it down so I wouldn't boil in my bed.

<1950>

I am so glad not to be in Boston right now. The snow here is merely sort of annoying, since people are bad at shoveling. But it looks like a real mess there. I'm sure after-work traffic is hideous.

<2154>

WOO PATS! And I'm glad the Eagles won so that there will be a little intragroup trash talking between the Eagles and Pats fans. I'm now a million times gladder that I'm going to Boston for the Super Bowl, as there should be a lively crowd to watch with, and a possible party in the streets once again!

In the meantime, I have to start school again. LAME. I like vacation.

<1159>

My seminar grade came in: also an A! I kick ass at grad school!

<1440>

I know I'm insane when it comes to snow control, but it really was nice Thursday when the block I cleared was the clearest, most ice-free block in the neighborhood. I was able to do much less productive work just now... it's snowing like crazy, and the little bit of shoveling I just did was already harder than the whole block I did the other day. And it's still snowing! But I will persevere in my efforts to rid my sidewalks of snow!

<2252>

I got the printer today! Amazon ship so fast. Except my USB cable is in a separate shipment with some books. Lame. The printer looks very nice, but I can't test it.

I need to buy some paper anyway.

This morning I met with my new advisor. We're going to put in a small grant... by Feb 1. It's only a 1-pager. So that went well. I think it will be a good match.

It's funny, though, after working with Jeff and crew, who are all so effusive and chatty, everyone at Hopkins just seems a little reserved.

So then I went to the MVA. Last time I went, I guess it wasn't quite lunchtime, so the documents line was non-existant. Today I got there around 1, and it was huge. But all my documents were in order, so I soon got a number... that was like 30 people away. And really, more than that, because they had A numbers and B numbers. I should have gone to get lunch, but instead I just parked my ass there and waited out of fear of missing my number or laziness or something. But I eventually got my license, complete with sleepy, dorky-looking picture. I just couldn't compel myself to put on a big smile at that point.

One funny moment: while I was standing in the documents line, this skinny white kid, who'd just finished the whole process, was walking by with his not-skinny white mom, who says loudly to him, "See, I told you you looked like a gangster!" presumably in response to something regarding his photo. He's like, "Mom!", with good reason, as all the black people in line around me snickered about how un-gansta he was. This is why teenagers are embarrassed about their parents!

On the way back towards the mall, some dumb bitches almost ran me over, because they thought I wasn't paying attention or something when I crossed into the little road. Uh, no, fuck you, you're supposed to stop for pedestrians. I shoulda got the license plate... so I could track the car and smash in the windshield, bitches.

Anyway, I got the bus back just fine (I'm starting to feel bad that it's so easy to use any old day pass to get on public transit here... mine is from October! Maybe I should pay). I procured better beer for the football weekend, and some wine too. I had a couple small glasses of wine (in my new lovely goblets, from Crate and Barrel), and some dinner, and then I totally crashed on my bed for many hours, because I really didn't sleep long or well last night. So now it's 11 and I'm wide awake. Silly me.

School starts Monday? What? That is suck.

<0041>

I wanted to get the John Stewart book and Fast Food Nation, but I was a dollar short on free shipping. So I bought a laser printer.

It's a little, well-reviewed, inexpensive one, though, so I'm pretty psyched because now I'll be able to print shit at home!

<1320>

How many days of laziness can I pull off? It occured to me that it would be easier to go to the DMV tomorrow straight from school. I *have* to go to school to meet with my new advisor at 11. Then I'll print some stuff and go to the bookstore maybe, so then I can hop on the subway instead of dealing with buses.

So what to do today! Lazy!

I may try to go to the Towson Mall. Maaaaybe.

<2046>

I went to Towson. I took the shuttle. I neglected to find the right place to catch the shuttle on the way back, but it was okay because the next one was only a half hour later and the Starbucks in the Barnes and Noble was selling Cheescake Factory cheesecake. I know, figure that one out.

Malls generally make me happy. I wasn't in the biggest shopping mood today, given that I don't really need any clothes, and the Towson Mall is a little upscale for my (wallet-friendly) tastes, but I did buy some great glassware at Crate and Barrel (damn them for sending me catalogs with pretty things). Except, every time I would get into a drooling peaceful trance in the soft light and temperate air of the mall, I'd see some fucking pink and red crap that made my blood boil and my stomach wail. RARHGHHHHH! I hate you, crappy day in February!

<2346>

Dude, Eddie's, why do you close at 9, denying me beer.

Rite Aid gave me beer. Crappy beer, but nonetheless, beer. And it was actually less sketchy than going to Eddie's, given the homeless man that was very skillfully trying to convince me to part with my money so he could get dinner.

Tomorrow: off to school, DMV.

<1339>

I actually got up at noon today! Woo!

I was gonna go to the DMV, but there's snow all over the place outside. I don't wanna go nowhere. So I'm not gonna.

I'm going to have to move somewhere that's always warm when I'm an old lady, otherwise I'll never go outside and I'll become all hunched over and bitter.

<1614>

I shoveled two blocks of fluffy snow!

I also got an A in Biostats! Now I just have to see what I got in seminar, which I probably won't until March, given the slowness of the prof in grading. I *should* be fine in that class.

<0102>

Finally listening to Pro and Emily's Christmas card CD, and it is excellent. Props to you kids for a great idea and lovely execution.

But right after it is done, I should go to bed. I went to bed too late last night, and then the appraiser really did show up, but all she did was just kinda walk through the house and take notes. Though she did ask me what my rent was and the duration of my lease. :-/ I hope this doesn't mean Bill is like gonna sell the place or something and I'll have to move. That would suck huge.

Anyway, I got up and checked my email, but I was still tired, so I went back to bed and didn't get up until like 2:30. Then I had to bust my ass right over to the grocery store so I could get that done while it was still light out. It was friggin cold, as mentioned.

Tomorrow is also supposed to be cold, so I'm going to do more indoor cleaning, since there's plenty.

I got some cleaning done tonight, which is good. Mostly reining in the volumes of paper all over the bedroom floor. I need another filing cabinet big time.

<1630>

I got up at 2:30 again! My bed just sucks me in and keeps me there all day.

Since then I've mostly been involved in a debate on hubba on Larry Summers' ill-informed remarks about women and science. I love how this has been framed by some as, Larry Summers is just trying to talk about scientific research, and all these crazed histrionic women are all upset! Uh, except it's clear to anyone who knows anything about the state of the research that he's just completely ignorant. He should take some classes at his own school to get a better handle on the interaction between genetics and socialization in explaining women's participation in math and science.

<1811>

The debate seems to have died, possibly due to dinner. Too bad.

Oh! So I got a 98 on my paper on consumer-driven health care, such a boring topic. Woot! That pretty much assures me an A in that class, so I'm doing pretty well here.

<2009>

I'm really glad I didn't end up going to DC to audition for the Idol... nothing like sleeping on the floor of a convention center all night with thousands of people!

<0110>

Happy MLK Day! Still so far to strive and fight to fulfill his vision, but the hope of it gleams as brightly as ever.

Jenn called! Yay! It's nice to catch up.

I've decided that there *will* be wild hedonic fun in a few weeks while I'm in Boston, namely because they'll be like 3 days into the semester. I may have to teach drinking games.

I'll probably also have to bring homework, but so it goes.

Bill left me a note that some appraisers are coming by to measure the place either Monday or Tuesday, he doesn't remember. I'm guessing Tuesday, since today is a holiday. But they're coming at 9am either way. I hope they don't mind if I remain in my bed.

Other things to do this week: go to DMV for license; maybe hit the Goucher shuttle for some Towson Mall goodness; oh yeah, grocery shopping; clean the whole house; head toward school late in the week, print tax forms and any school reading that appears online in the next few days, hit the bookstore; watch 24!; try to do something fun one day like a museum.

It is hard to be adventurous outdoors when I know it's cold, though. That was part of my ineptness at doing fun things in Boston... it was friggin cold!

<1755>

Oh my god, so damn cold outside. I had to go grocery shopping, and it was brrrrr! And the wind on 32nd St blew in my face BOTH WAYS.

Tomorrow is also supposed to be quite cold. Actually, most of the week ain't so great, except Thursday which is supposed to get up to 40. But still, snow projected all week.

It's still 10 degrees warmer than Boston all week! But, like, 20 degrees colder than Albuquerque. It's already starting spring there, I swear.

<0227>

Football at Joe's was cool. Second game was a major shellacking, though.

I'm going to have to get myself back to a normal schedule, but I really kinda like staying up late and getting up late. :-) I also like bumming around watching TV. :-D

<1649>

I need to win the lottery so I can buy the following shiny toys: 1) a Powerbook; 2) a digital camera; 3) an iPod; 4) a car; 5) a laser printer; 6) a new TV that is not so tiny, 7) a PS2 with DDR and Red Octane dance pads. I think in the order of 1, 6, 7, 2, 5, 3, and 4.

I love football.

<1037>

I thought coming back before exam period started would be smart, because reading period is when people are fun, and exam people is when people are boring. But nooooo, there was a big hedonic fun party alll last night. I hate my fucking life.

And no one even calls me to entertain me from said crazy party. HATE HATE HATE.

I currently really don't want to go up there Super Bowl weekend. I'm sure everyone will be really boring that weekend because the weekend before is the ski trip and the weekend after is Valentine's Day, which is generally debaucherous. I'm sure it'll just be whatever combination possible to make me hate my life more.

Maybe I shouldn't post first thing in the morning when I'm cranky and don't want to go to the Farmer's Market. I'm going now, and then I'm going back to bed until football.

At least I'm going to a friend's today, which will be nice, and will I hope make me feel better.

<1116>

Food purchased, which should hold me over until I actually drag my ass over to the grocery store, maybe Monday. I don't feel like it today.

I think I'm really hacked off my a whole nother set of thoughts, but I'm going to save them.

<1450>

Sleep makes all things seem vastly less important. Also not having to read a billion ridiculous emails right when waking up is useful for maintaining a much better mood.

Food!

<1726>

You know what's embarrassing? I left the oven on all night. :-(

A tiny bit of exercise has left me far more energetic that I've felt in a while. Which has me doing some cleaning while watching football.

<0054>

I feel worlds better, between the being home, the ice cream, the liquor, and the productive communication.

<1647>

I slept until like 1:30 today. I love my bed sooooo much. Now I am doing nothing productive.

<1956>

I've finally switched to Firefox, as I used it in the BR and deemed it good, and there aren't so many popups. AND there is a Google search bar, although it seems the joy of autofill is missing... hmm. Anyway, it's good.

Though my colors in my style sheet for this page don't show up. Lame!

<0140>

I'm not going to put on a happy face when you decide you want to pretend to care.

I think the thing that makes me the most angry is that I was right this fall about feeling used. I mean, yay for my advice and support being helpful, but boo for once again getting not a lot back. I could certainly have stood for this trip to have been useful in terms of taking on new roles, but the real story has been revealed. And I don't want any part of it.

I'm also pissed about being fed a complete line of bullshit last time.

But in the end, this time I really am glad about having seen so many of my friends so much. And making new friends. These two weeks were fun, and I'm going to appreciate the people who actually love me.

Another thing that pisses me off is that somehow I'm the one that gets blamed for the dynamic of things. I suspect it's just because I'm the girl, and the girl is always the unreasonable one who makes things weird. Well, fuck that. I think I'm a pretty goddamn reasonable person given half a chance.

<2016>

Getting home today was a pain in the ass, thanks to some thick-ass Boston fog, but I made it. It's really nice to be home.

Last night I hung out with Lauren and Mojdeh, who are super great froshies. We fake drunk-called people (with Kenton helping for a bit), and generally spammed hubba. Then we had a slumber party at Mojdeh's, which didn't really involve enough slumber, but that's what my wonderful bed is for later. I supposed I should feel old for hanging out with people who are 6 years younger than me, but I think being age-ist is a little silly given how immensely crappy some of my more appropriately aged friends are. So, goooo '02-'08 slumber party!

Tonight I'm having a slumber party with ice cream, irish creme, and beer.

<2126>

Woo, I just got word we got a 95 on the pair-group paper of hate!

<2231>

Oh my god, salsa is so good! The intense mouth burning is so orgasmic.

Also, sobers me up from my one small bit of irish creme and two beers... what a lightweight I am on light sleep!

Oh my goodness, Mal Gladwell has written a socio-cog psych book! He is the bestest.

<1533>

Hockey game last night was super fun. I like women's hockey. We have better seats, and we can goof off a little more. After that was karaoke goodness. I sang "All By Myself," which went over well, even though my voice felt strained from Mihayfy trying to hold a conversation with me during other people singing. Mihalyfy also recorded all our singing for his CD... it certainly loses something without the atmosphere. :-/

Tonight I'm meeting with the work crew at H's for dinner. Then tomorrow, off I go!

Already have weekend plans, though. Sweet.

<2210>

Back from dinner, which was fun. Now what?

<2359>

You make me hate you so much.

Sometimes things just go from promising to okay to lame. That's when I feel like beating someone up.

<0912>

Then again, it works both ways. I'm missing all that brought out the best in me, leaving only a lesser self.

The pros are so salient, I can feel them so intensely still. The cons I can enumerate, and they certainly annoy me, but they just don't matter. It's easy to be happy with perfection. It means so much more to be happy with something imperfect, to have embraced and maybe even learned to love the quirks and dents.

But that leaves you helpless when it comes time to change your heart.

<1507>

My vacation here is nearly over, and by far the only thing I have done here is be extremely lazy. I am up at Courtney's house. I got up at like noon, showered, went to Davis to make the cash my grandparents gave me into usable bills, got lunch, and have just been using the computer. I need to get done with that so I can get in some Mario Kart before I head to the square to meet Courtenay for dinner. Then later, more 24!

The kitty here makes me want to have my own kitty. She's very cuddly.

<1655>

I walked to the Square. Walking is good, but it can be as bad as falling asleep as far as having too much time with my own brain.

It's hard to have this vision of someone built up of all their qualities, but then in real life you have to deal with all their downsides primarily. I would desperately love to interact with the qualities more.

<1613>

Yesterday there was hockey, and we beat Cornell, which was awesome. Especially awesome was watching the asshole Cornell fans who sat in the section next to us go home sad. Har, fuck you guys. I wish we'd really shellacked them, however, and early, because that would have made the whole experience better.

After that there was crusty drinking at Chuck's followed by poker at Kirkland. I mostly didn't play until it was late and I was also tipsy, which was a poor choice, but whatever, five dollars. I spent most of the time talking to Frances and Lauren about who should be paired up for Valentine's Day.

I have such conflicted feelings about an associated piece of that conversation. Part of me was shaking my head, saying, dude, that's sad. Another part of me was gleefully saying, GOOD. I'm terrible.

This vacation has been good, but as far as certain aspects go, I'm feeling much less bad about moving away from here.

<1425>

Things have been pretty chill the last few days. I haven't been doing much but hanging out with the kids, who are all insane. Thursday there was rehearsal, and I even got to play a little bit of snare, which was fun and I managed not to screw up too much. Yesterday I met with my old boss to talk about school and summer and stuff. Then I went over to the Frog Pond to meet the kids for ice skating, but it was kind of crowded and I got there after them, so I decided to be a bum and not pay money to get inside the little gate and I didn't feel like stumbling around on the ice, so instead I went to the side of the rink and laughed and pointed and became a stopping place for tired beginning skaters. That was fun, if not sort of cold. After that we came back to the square and went to Uno's, then to the BR for hot chocolate and movies. I've mostly just been in the BR this vacation. What can I say, it's warm, it has computers and a TV and crap, and where else am I supposed to go anyway?

Being here, things are clearly different than they used to be. I mean, this would clearly be a very different two weeks under other circumstances. But in broader and in some ways more crucial ways, this place remains the same. The parts of it that make it home remain fundamental. I mean, I find it funny and odd that it's so easy to talk to kids I barely know, that so many people have offered housing (although I'm so lazy that I just go home with whoever leaves the BR when I'm tired), that people have been so friendly. The familial aspect of the Band is always there, even if the specific members I spend my time with are somewhat different. That's comforting.

There's a way of being alone in this world that is not really being alone. It's about depending a little bit on a lot of people to get by instead of depending on one or a few people a lot. But it does feel like aloneness much of the time, but all those people keep it from feeling like alienation.

<1516>

Karaoke was so great last night! I love it so very much.

Though I'm out of sorts today.

<2219>

I just saw the first three hours of 24 thanks to the Harvard Undergrad Council. RAWK! I so love that show.

I've had a good time here so far, so long as I don't think about things too much.

<2001>

I wondered why I felt suddenly so zonked, then I remembered the Nyquil I took to get my nose to stop running. Better than Dayquil, though, which makes me feel way too speedy when I'm not super tired to begin with.

Things are vastly better now that kids are back in town. More people around, not this sense of loneliness. Also, less concern about where to sleep. Jen M is awesome for letting me stay at her place last night.

Zonk zonk.

<1901>

I'm in the Band Room, having just spent many hours glued to the computer in an attempt to catch up with all of the internet. So now I come to this page. Woot. Really I would prefer to be eating dinner right now, but considering how cold it is outside, how I don't have a keycard to this room, and how no one else is here at the moment, I am not leaving this place without some clear warm place to be and remain and/or some assurnace that I can get back in here. It will be better once people are back at school and hanging out here at all hours, but until then, things will continue to be kind of rough. It was nicer when I a) lived here, thereby having a home to which I could always return; b) had Mike's ID so I could always also return to the BR; c) had a bus pass so I didn't have to dig up change all the time; and d) a million other things I'm sure you can guess, knowing my bitter bitter mind as you all do.

Anyway, other than that, I'm not bad. Oh, except, I have a cold. I *knew* I was going to get a cold when I came to Boston, seeing as I don't have my own bed. Stupid stupid cold.

The New Year has been otherwise fun. I arrived without delay to Boston on New Year's Eve, took in some crab rangoon with Chris at the Kong, met up with the crew at Shay's for some beers and free snacks, and then on to Rachel and Cory's for the changing of the year. It was fun. I crashed there for the night, then spent much of yesterday wandering about the face of the earth unable to get into the Band Room. I had enough clothes, however, such that access to my luggage was not important, but it still sucked. I hung around the square for a while, then went to the mall, which cruelly closed at 6, so I went to Davis to Macintyre and Moore's, where I found an interesting book about the remaking of New Mexico's Spanish heritage, but I didn't end up buying it. Then I went over to Court and Jack's for poker night! It was only a $5 buy-in, which was good, since I've never actually played for money. I eventually lost all my money, but I had a few good hands where I held my ground despite attempts to buy me out and/or intinidate me. I crashed there, chilled a bit today, then headed to the BR while I knew people were in the area. So, here I am, having caught up on email, with nowhere to go and nothing to do. But there are a lot of good things about that also, LIKE NOT HAVING ANYTHING TO DO! Woot.

I'll have more to say, but for now I'm going to fuss around with my luggage.

<1955>

Luggage fussed with and re-organized. Still no party people in da hizzy, which is sad for me and for my stomach. I even went into the staff closet to see if there was food, which is terrifying if you know what food you can find in the staff closet must look like. All I could find was initiation champagne, which is terrifying if you know what initiation champagne is like. Yuck.

So, y'all may remember that I make resolutions constantly, not only at New Year's, but I generally tend to instead review the prior year briefly. I'm not going to lie to you: I'm having a hard time thinking about the year as a whole. It was really two separate experiences, Boston and Baltimore. The Boston part of the year was wonderful, filled with moments I've contemplated probably too many times since then. Those months were really the happiest I've ever been. The Baltimore part of the year hasn't been bad by any means, just so different from the Boston part in every way.

I guess I'm not really up for thinking much about the year in perspective. I still don't have any perspective on what it ultimately means in my life.