Though the portents were good, they turned out to be nothing. Beh. But... I dunno, am I going the wrong way? Probably. But... I like it too much to stop following yet.

It's a sad commentary on Band couches to say that even though the Cube is gross and hasn't been cleaned since last week's beer and pizza madness, I still felt much cleaner after sleeping on the futon there than I do after sleeping on the Band room couches. There's just this werid smelliness that isn't so bad when you're just sitting there, but which seeps into you when you park there for a while.

I got my shoes on and I'm ready to go, but I feel like maybe I'm spending too much time around this weekend. But, now I feel yechy, and I need to see people more than ever.

More later. I just can't seem to write now all the things swirling.

Rumple Minze. Fuck yeah.

Finally saw Matrix: Reloaded last night. I bet that under his cool exterior, Morpheus is really thinking, man you two, stop it with the constant PDA.

It's funny, I should take this evening to get a lot of crap done around the house, but I realized after hanging around with the kids last night that everyone will soon be breaking up for the summer. Lots of people are sticking around, of course, but it's never really the same. People spend a lot more time at home or at work and less time convened together. So, I feel compelled to hang out while I can this time of year.

Still searching for affection.

Waa. The person I liked best in my roommate search so far wants to live closer to the T. :-( Esp since she had to wait a half hour for a bus back to Lechmere last night. Thanks a lot MBTA! You fuckers! And I haven't heard back from anyone else, so we'll see...

John Harvard's for dinner (Happy Birthday, Josh!), followed by Trivial Pursuit. Three teams got normal questions and one team got insanely easy questions and thrashed us all. It was the 20-year edition, which really meant all the questions were from the last decade. Lame. I like Genus anything much better. At any rate, there was also random amusement of the scavenger hunt.

It's weird, I feel lost for words... I feel like I've been wanting to say something for the last couple of days, and I just can't get words around it. Maybe it has something to do with fear... if you can't describe it, it must be fear of some sort. I want to make something happen, but I feel paralyzed to act, scared that by acting I will cause what little is there to disappear. If I grasp it, I might kill it entirely, or maybe I'll discover there is nothing clenched in my fists, that it's all just wisps of nothing. And... it probably is nothing, and maybe I'm scared to see that, and maybe I don't like knowing that I'm not important, essential, vital, adored, loved, not even in the littlest way, that somehow I'm just there. I've withstood horrors because in spite of that I knew I was important... is it worse to face the extremes of abuse and love intertwined or the apathy of just being a null value in someone's emotional world? The latter is certainly preferable on a day-to-day level, but it slowly empties the soul. Gah, what do I even do?

I wish I didn't think about that little smile, but it's what makes me happiest when I've spilled hot coffee all over my hand and I need to erase the blues.

Ugh, I hate afternoons when I feel sluggish. Crappy weather rraaaarrr. I can't even type, and all I want to do is curl up and sleep.

What is the cure for chronic suspicion?

So... is there any, like, magic cream or something to make the outside of my boobs shrink up to match the inside? Cuz they've been looking pretty weird, and plastic surgery sounds totally awful. Or will this problem just resolve if I give it time? Skin is too fucking slow to adapt.

The whole apartment business is so nervewracking. I wish my damn friends would know what they were doing and that it included living with me, because at least I *know* them. It's so hard to try to determine in 20 minutes if people are cool or possibly hiding a deep psychosis which will emerge shortly after they move in. It drives me batty. Then there's the whole issue of needing two roommates who should like each other to some significant degree. Argh.

I wish every weekend could be three days!

Hooray for Andy Gou bringin' the dance on.

I forgot to add hooray to AG for being perceptive too... :-)

Today's plans seem to be putting away the clean dishes. It's hard to have too many plans when I get up at almost 2pm, and I should be back to bed no later than 11pm if I hope to be a good worker. What I really want is two weeks off of work to pretend I'm in college again, because this time of year it's vastly more fun.

Not only did I accomplish dishes, but also catching up my personal journal. Like, for all of May. Surprisingly, this didn't really take that long.

I have also reposted housing things... I won't be happy until I have the roommate thing settled.

It seems that no matter what I do, random jackasses are hell bent on spoiling my evening.

But, other than that, I had a great time tonight both serving dinner and cubing it.

As noon approaches, my IM list gets shorter and shorter as kids drop off. I forgot about that aspect of Commencement housing... the incredible lines to use the BR computers. I was so glad my junior year when I had my laptop and could hide out away from the BR.

Nothing like parking my ass in bed for 12 hours, for almost just as much sleep. It occurs to me I haven't had a weekend to do that in a long time... too much staying out late or having to get up at a decent hour to be somewhere.

It occurred to me just now that I will be playing Commencement for the first time ever. I always did Prop Crew before. How odd that I've been around forever, and yet this is a first.

There's no excuse after today, but I have the feeling nothing will change. There's so much other fun to be had, though, that I just can't allow myself to dwell on it too much.

A question about "lying in bed" got "Brian Wilson" by the Barenaked Ladies stuck in my head... that song always reminds me of last August and how horrible I felt and being stuck in the house staring at the walls. It's funny how quickly I put all that out of my mind, and then sometimes I get a little flash and I wonder how I ever survived that so well.

Gah, in other retro flashbacks, it feels like May of 2001 lately... you think you're being so helpful, but really you're just being rude and awful and unconstructive and offputting and horrible. Listen to your mama: if you don't have anything nice to say, shut the fuck up already.

So, my 6 o' clock showing cancelled one me, as she found a place she liked this morning. So, only jerk guy is left at 7. Maybe some other dude too if he ever calls me back. Other than that I have no plans for the evening... I feel like maybe I should just chill and sleep. I wish I had a jacuzzi in my room, or on the balcony though it's not big enough for one.

And I think as of tomorrow I may have the house all to myself. I don't think any wild parties will ensue, but you never know.

So, it's 20 after 7 and stupid jerk dude has not yet shown. I think at this point I can pretend like I'm not home if he does show. I'm glad because I don't really want to meet this person. But it's a bummer if he just didn't bother to cancel, because I would have liked to go see Bowling for Columbine again.

The great thing about cynicism is that if it turns out to be unfounded, you are happy!

The next generation of web journals will have the capacity to personalize to each member of the audience. At least, I hope so. This is what I mean: each person will have their own account to the journal, and then there will be a general journal. For each entry, you can designate the audience as general or as a subset of your accounted audience. That way, I can rant about Thing 1 and only open the entry to people who will not tell Thing 1 about said entry (never guaranteed, but you can always identify Thing 2 and other folks out there who would love to hear said rantings and who would keep quiet). But Thing 1 can read my dirty story about Thing 2 and still be my friend because he or she has no idea about my ranting about them. It seems mean-spirited, perhaps, but really, this web page could be so much more interesting to all of you if I could let fly wild tales about other people that are reading. But I have no interest in making part of my reading audience uncomfortable because I'm talking about them, and offending the more sensitive parts of my audience with sordid tales. But I do want to provide salacious goodness for as many people as possible.

I'm with the old Pro on not caring about the end of Buffy. Maybe because I only ever watched one episode and I thought it was lame. But man.

I am also amused that everyone watches American Idol. I blame my own watching solely on 24.

Got grocery shopping in last night. I love it when all the heavy foods run out at the same time. My shoulders are cursing me this morning.

Am Idol and 24 spoilers ahead, if you failed to watch. American Idol: both of these contestants are merely mediocre, I'm sorry. I just can't care who wins at this point. 24: uh... so many complaints about this season, and while the ending would be cool were it, say, the 13th hour instead of the 24th, the whole point of the show is that each season is a day, not that two seasons are two consecutive days. And, as someone mentioned on the twop boards, last season it was impossible to kill Palmer all day, and this season it just required one well-placed handshake. The hell? Last season was so tight and well-timed, and this season was just so implausible and now we have 48 to look forward to. Maybe the writers will have a change of heart. Two great things, however: 1) Soulpatch continuing to be wicked awesome; 2) Jack hand-to-hand combat! Had to break out the air conditioner for that one!

I've discovered in recent years that I'm easily overwhelmed by certain things. It's such a suffocating feeling when that happens.

Gah, too much to do. Finding roommates, grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning my room so potential roommates will not think I am piggy. I have not had any decent exercise in ages. And it's so beautiful out I just want to loll around in the sun and drink beer. Maybe it's just the end of May stress that has to happen whether I have housework to do or term papers to write.

In my typical all-or-nothing fashion, I have begun posting roommate wanted ads to every conceiveable place I can think of. So I'll mention it here again too: if you or someone you love is looking for a lease starting July 1, who would love Somerville as much as I do, please do get this person to my door.

So instead of being all that productive tonight, I was just more neurotic about scouring the internet for roommates. :-) Actually, I did get my room muchly cleaned, though there's still crap everywhere.

I figured out today what is so dangerous about the bar. I always end up sitting actually at the bar, and when that happens, there is always a drink in front of me, and I find it very hard to interrupt this flow of drinks and go home. The drinks just appear! I swear! Then again, this has happened to me sitting at a table also. Okay, so I blame the boy and the bartender, because those are constants. At any rate, the bar is bad, and I need a babysitter or some sort of advance directive that mandates my return home at a specified hour.

Good lord, just... just leave me be.

Brilliant ideas, by A: the night before your sister's Commencement, go to the bar, and instead of hanging out for a couple of hours as desired, stay until closing, and drink gin and tonics instead of something that will not make your head hurt like hell. Then, when it's time to go, burden your dear friend with lots of crying over how dumb you are for not going home at a reasonable hour and how this clearly is evidence that no one loves you. The outcome of all this will surely be major pain and suffering upon awaking from a mere four hours of sleep, continuous feeling of death and exhaustion most of the day, a couple of trips to go yack during the actual Commencement ceremony (nice days are great, but getting overheated on a hangover isn't), and general malaise. At least I started feeling better later in the day, and crashing for a couple of hours in Am's bed helped also. I think I'm about to go crash for a solid 9.

Despite the utter stupidity of drinking way too late, I had a good evening overall. I feel bad that the Dr. so dutifully updated me on their whereabouts and yet I remained too lazy to join them, but I'm bad at migration in my old age. I have become a lot smarter about other things in my old age, which is fabulous, because I'd hate to head into our brave new era anything but guilt-free.

And today was really great. Amazing weather, great seats, good solid ceremony (though BU seems to have the same problem of long-winded honorary degree crap). The history thingy after was also pretty cool... I think it's neat to do diplomas by department (note to Silber: it's retarded to even consider doing all of CAS together). It's a massively bittersweet day, as it's awesome that Am has graduated, but majorly sad that she is abandoning me.

In other news, I dropped by the BR last night briefly before the bar. Not a hello from my little friend, in increasingly typical fashion. It's sad, because there aren't many people that I find interesting enough to really want to become real friends with, and so it's quite a bummer when one of them turns out to be too much of a pain-in-the-ass to be worth dealing with.

Heh, that was old school. But entertaining and amusing. That's the one thing I never want to put away.

So, Josh shlepped Am's leftovers to my house, and now I have a TV and a VCR (hey Kristin, I got the VCR!) and a cool rug and another box fan and a trash can and other randomness. Woo! Then we went to Target and I bought nothing because I left my purse in the car. I should always not bring my purse when I go to Target... I spend so much less!

Today we're going to the Science Museum, for Mother's Day, even though that was last weekend. Then off to a Class Day thingy. Then who knows where. I guess I should stop by the Withers Last Single-Living Weekend Bender and laugh and point. Then to bed for it is another early-ish day tomorrow with the Commencing.

Today is just one of those annoying days at work. H is irritating me, and I just don't want to be here.

It finally hit me today that my sister is really leaving, and I will be here all alone once more. This had me nearly teary at the mall before I met everyone for dinner.

It's just that time of year for change. It has me in a funk.

Ha, how odd. I guess that's an answer to a question I've been pondering for months now. But, how odd, how someone can just stick in your mind like that, can stick in so many people's minds so pervasively, so beyond complete explanation.

And how odd to be unstuck. How odd it is to be on the other side of all of that, and really truly feel that way -- not just telling myself this time. It's the weight of a giant book closing, an epic, hold it in my hand and think it over before placing it up on the shelf.

I think the next thing I'll pick up is a novella, or maybe even a magazine.

Having failed to do so today, let's see if I can accomplish these things tomorrow and Friday: 1) get up at a decent hour (this may require setting the alarm back); 2) get out the door at a decent hour so I can, like, catch the bus (this may require not lingering over breakfast and the internet for waaaaay too long); 3) get something accomplished at work (this would require having very much to do, but I could just catch up on all the little things that need to be done, if I can gather the motivation).

IM has been too quiet lately.

I am truly amazed how booked up this summer is already. For example, I will be out of town 3 out of 4 weekends in July, and the weekend I'm not out of town is the weekend of the 4th. And between my annual NYC trip (has to be June cuz Lisa will be gone by August) and who knows how many Martha's Vineyard trips (at least one, but I think JA would like me to take over for her a couple of times), summer weekends are filling up.

I am a weird spaz: 1) Earlier I was eating Splenda out of a packet, by sticking my finger in and licking it off... kinda like eating sugar packets, but less normal; 2) The little hook thingy that pretends to serve as a button on my pants has come loose (as those hooks are wont to do), so I have assigned a binder clip to keep the top of my pants together. What I really need is a belt for these stupid pants; 3) I am also wearing a baggy long-sleeved shirt and my black sneakers... I'm like the hospital ghetto.

What are my Memorial Day weekend plans? Someone tell me!

Occasionally it hits me that all these changes are really gonna happen. More than anything I'm left feeling perplexed.

In a bizarre twist, Storey posted a link to the Harvard dialects web project today. I guess it's not that bizarre to have this link apparently circle around since it's been in NYT and Science and other places, but still, I know these people! But I guess I never did take the survey... so I should do that! I just looked at the maps.

Now I know why my preferred tactic is to make decisions and then tell people about what's going to happen. Because meetings cause derailment into all sorts of tangential nonsense. I'm like, people, adult people! Let's get back to this specific question at hand. Rar.

I wish I could remember more of the phone conversation... I think it was interesting, but I think the structure was muddled, and only remembering half of it as I do, I needed there to be a structure to hold onto. I wish we could finish it, but now is not the time, I guess. Life is too crazy for our little friends.

I've decided that even if I don't manage to exercise, as long as I buzz around getting stuff done, it's okay. Tonight I cooked, went to the grocery store, and cooked some more. I didn't need anything from the grocery store for my cooking, it was just a nice break and I needed some stuff (and need to go every week anyway because it's vastly more pleasant that way). I think I now have enough breakfast and lunch food to last until I can cook again, and dinner should be pretty well taken care of thanks to parental presence and benevolence.

It's also quite nice outside in that very slightly chilly post-rain kinda way.

Quick update, for I am exhausted. Party: mostly fun. Boy: dumbass. Sleeping on Band couch: yech. Getting up before Tom got there: awesome. Losing my coat: very sad. Having Lisa C. pick it up: awesome. Six Flags: fucking awesome. Being tired: bed. Having to get up for Duckling Day gig cuz I said I would: what was I thinking?

I bailed on the Duck gig last night so I could sleep, but then I got up this morning an hour before call (damn bladder), and I felt like I would be such a lazy ass not to get there and go out into the beautiful sunshine. So I went and it was lovely! Of course, as soon as the gig ended and I was on the train, my body started hating me. The ol uterus started making hints of DOOM AND DESTRUCTION AND PAIN, and by the time I hit Union Square, my foot had gone crazy with jealousy over the attention my abdomen was receiving, so it started hurting like hell all of a sudden. So now I'm parked at home, where I actually ate (never leave without breakfast!) and have been chillin'. It got cold out too, so I'm not too sad about being inside.

Five pm already, though! Where does the weekend go! I didn't even get up late today!

Mmm, two-hour nap. I love it.

I am insanely tired. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it to this party tonight.

Not that I'm sure there's really any motivation to go.

So, I finally did it, I quit the Y. Though it may not take effect for a month because they suck, but I guess I can still use it for that time. Anyway, I kinda feel like the gym experiment failed and maybe I should have tried harder, but especially now that it's nicer, I really can't get motivated to coop myself up in a windowless room to exercise. And I've just been damn busy.

Mmmm, naptime... but now I'm in that awful groggy state in which I just want to return to sleep. I should hop in the shower maybe... but further sleep would be so nice... that is the problem with Friday parties, I'm so dead tired.

I'm trying not to take the disappearance personally, but it's hard not to. Given all the shitty past history I bring to the table of prior disappearing acts that were totally due to me to some degree. Bleh... this is really why I'm unmotivated to go to the party... I'm always afraid that when things aren't going totally stellar, new contact will just make them worse, because that's the way things always were.

It occurs to me that some of this sluggishness could be resolved by taking up vitamins again. I forgot about that part of the study diet.

Rain and probable PMS don't really help things.

I did manage to get all my laundry done last night, which was good. I failed to cook anything tasty for dinner, however, settling finally on a can of black beans and some bread. I suck at cooking so much. Probably because I'm the world's least organized and patient cook. I made good eggs this morning, though. :-)

I didn't finish my homework for class. I guess I should do that before leaving here tonight... which will be late considering how frigging late I got here this morning. Bleh.

Then again, I got more editing done in the short time I've been here than I did all day yesterday. See what crappy weather can do for non-distraction!

Mmmm... so during the study they fed us vanilla yogurt several days a week, and I always thought it was too sweet... too much aspartame. So I have procured plain yogurt, into which I've been putting Splenda (okay, a ton of Splenda, but still, it takes a lot to taste any of it) and strawberries. Sooo good. I really like plain yogurt slightly sweetened.

In horrible news, I looked at the can of peaches I bought and noticed they said something about being raspberry flavoured. Ew! I put it back; I"ll deal with tasting that later.

They're doing construction on the corner by my house. They put an outhouse out there! This is sweetbecause now if my roommate is hogging the bathroom with her shower (like I should ever talk), I can go pee on the street if I have to! I bet it's totally recently been cleaned and everything!

Please return online so I can stalk you. Thanks.

I wrote down all the things I want to accomplish tonight, and laughed because it's impossible unless I leave work now. I've been so busy lately! It's been great, though! I love nice weather and having my foot feel generally better (though not perfect... but totally passable), because it means I can just buzz around doing stuff.

Man, some people are such disaster areas. I mean, geez, chronic inability to get their shit together.

Some of y'all will find this ridiculously amusing: today I found myself struggling to remember the words downstyle and upstyle. I was editing a grant and Jeff's lack of consistent style was driving me crazy, so I started to write up a style guide for myself in editing. And I stopped and was like, damn, there a word for whether you use all caps in the header or whether you use sentence case. I know it's been five years since I used these words, but damn, it was the subject of major newspaper war! I don't even remember what side I was on! (Though I suspect it was downstyle.) Finally I found a newspaper design glossary on the web, thank god.

This was definitely the best Band banquet ever. It was just really solid fun. I danced a lot! And my foot doesn't even hurt right now (oh, but I bet tomorrow...), even though Dave spun me around during the longest song ever, and Lee was an animal on the dance floor. It was all awesome. Everyone looked great, and I think my dress was a hit.

But... grrr. Keep your hands off.

Eh. Fuck it, I shouldn't even be bothering with this anyway. Apparently I'm not worth bothering with 99% of the time, so why should I make any effort of my own.

I guess my problem is that I can't decide what's better: going along with something that doesn't really fulfill what I need because it's better than nothing and at least maybe I can have fun or whatever, or rejecting anything that doesn't fulfill my needs and actively and exclusively pursuing that which does. The latter seems really narrow-minded and I've seen people do it much to their detriment. It does more to cut people off from possibly cool interactions with other people than anything else. On the other hand, when I go with the former option, I find myself wishfully thinking that whatever is going on will morph into something that does fit what I need in my life. Stranger things have happened to people, but the harsh truth is that things generally are what they are and don't change that much. So then it becomes a matter of whether it's worth dealing with disappointment and crap all the time just to get the fun or companionship or whatever out of the situation, and opinion on that can change by the minute. So, I dunno. Hope can be killer.

Woke up at 6:30 am with a left leg cramp that left me shrieking in pain. Seriously, I almost thought I was going to wake someone up. I fucken learned my lesson: take ibuprofen before bed, not naproxen, because the latter is dehydrating (says right in the directions to take with a full glass of water... but do I ever listen? Nooooo), and I always get dehydrated while sleeping (maybe if my body didn't decide it needed to pee eight million times right before bed, that wouldn't be such a problem). I slept like crap the rest of the morning, and I even slept in to make up for it, but I still feel tired. And I have to be here at work until ~7:30, and then over to Am's, so I won't get home until 11.

But last night was so fun, I can hardly be too cranky.

Your problem is that you think if you don't talk to me when other people are around, they won't ever figure anything out. What you haven't figured out is that there's no such thing as secrets with this crew. For most things it's actually more fun to be unabashedly open.

Ya know, I figured out one reason why the banquet is so fun: all the dancing is with someone! I mean, I love dancing at regular band parties, but it can feel kinda oddly lonely at times. I hate being isolated but surrounded. At the banquet, there's dancing with other people! And it's not weird or meaningful to do so, just really cool and fun.

Jenn described the behavior perfectly: "very middle school." And here I've been trying to apply fancy descriptions to it, but she's done it much better.

Cinco de Mayo feliz!

Four hours of work today wooooo!

Odd but fun. Descriptive of so many things right now.

Speaking of odd but fun, banquet tonight!

HATE!

Seriously, so frustrating. Argh!

It all works out in the end.

So, today I finally went grocery shopping, and I managed to buy all the stuff I wanted and not kill myself getting it up the hill (hooray favorite rolly suitcase). After that was shoe shopping with Am; I found awesome white shoes to go with the dress... now I need to paint my toenails red, as in tomorrow. A quick stop at Trader's for hippie food that MB didn't have, and back home. Home home home. And now for some good solid sleep.

The dress finally arrived! And it fits perfectly! Props to my mom for sending it! It's quite lovely.

Tonight I went out for Indian food with Am and Josh, and then we went to Josh's and had mudslides... now I am soo sleepy. I have many things I ought to do this weekend, and one of those is to sleep.

Despite the fabulousness of the dress, I think I'm going to wear this one I got today. Diana still needed something, so I showed her the light and the way that is Oona's. But in the course of being there, I found this utterly ridiculous and very Cinco de Mayo dress that also happens to fit perfectly. Di said when something is that perfect, you have to go with it. So, I'm very glad I have the dress my mom sent, because it's also fab and I no longer have any really good formal dresses that fit, but this other dress is just more in keeping with my standard banquet fare: completely silly.

The parade damn near killed me because it went on forever, making sore both my foot and my arms (poor Court had the 18" cymbals... certain arm death). But I got free lunch which was tasty (if not lonely... I offered to watch instruments, but I figured someone would sit with me! No such luck, though many did come say hi). Oh! And Becky Gaines said hi to me during the parade, and she tried to tell me why she was around and such, but I couldn't hear her and she didn't come by later. But wow! it was extra funny because we had actually been talking on the way to the parade about how old some of the photos are on the rotator on the band home page, a few of them with Becky as Drum Major. Insane.

Then there was the Oona's... I haven't been there in forever, and I always forget how much amazing they pack into such a tiny store. After that I went with Clark and Jerry to the rugby field to watch Court kick some ass. She totally tackled some much larger girl, keeping her from scoring. And busting her knee, but not enough to keep her from finishing the game and getting back across the river. More free food there... I was on a roll today with that. Then, more BR for a while, and as people drifted to dinner, I headed to the bus. It came early and I just missed it and sprinting for it was out of the question. So I waited until the 69 came and went to the mall instead.

I can put up with lots of foot pain in the name of shopping (except not grocery shopping, because that's real work). I found a new strapless bra, and tried on a million regular bras that were totally worthless. I just wasn't choosing well at all. I also attempted to try on things at Sears, like tank tops, but there's only one dressing room and only 4 items allowed at a time. What a worthless store. I need to be able to take lots more because I don't know what size I wear in anything anymore, and every stupid brand is totally different. I guess I ended up not purchasing very much at all despite hours of shopping, but such is life. I need my mom for hard core shopping because she can bring me a variety of sizes and such (esp for bra shopping).

Tomorrow I am required to go shoe shopping, because I could use another pair of sneaker-like shoes, and I absolutely need white dress shoes to go with this dress and because I don't own any. I own a million black shoes (and still I wish I had some strappy sandal ones... not that I can wear those at the moment), but nothing remotely white. I was hoping the silver dance shoes would go, but they're too much. I need to call Am so we can hit the stores.

Eventually I need to do grocery shopping and laundry. Laundry I can hold off for a few days (buy more underwear! Works every time! And I need some anyway), and grocery shopping may well come down to Peapod. Or maybe I should just go and stop sucking. It's like being in school and procrastinating work... today I totally procrastinated on my life. But it was so fun.

I also have a sunburn from being outside lots, mostly on my face. I noted other cute sunburns about also...

So, the doc thinks I have Morton's Neuroma, based on my foot clicking when he squeezed the toe part (actually, both feet do it, which means I'm probably deformed). This is basically a pinched nerve, which is more consistent with the lack of pain at rest and with minimal walking, and with the increasing pain with more walking... essentially the stuff around the nerve is swelling and pinching it as I walk. It isn't that consistent with some of the lower arch pain (it's usually associated with pain in the balls of the foot, which I only have once I start walking funny), so maybe there is still some related fascia problem. Either way it doesn't really matter. I have decided I want to be a podiatrist, because other than obvious brokenness or deformity, all foot problems have the same initial solution: aleve and better foot support. Seriously, that's the first solution to everything. After that, it seems to be stronger drugs and custom orthotics, and maybe injections. And maybe if it really isn't going anywhere, you get surgery.

Huh, maybe I should go to Lowell's May Day bridge party at 6 am. Oh wait, I make that joke every year.

You still don't know anything about me. Because you live in your own head.

I feel so assy today. The foot is still killing me... I'm going to bug podiatry when I gimp over to the main hosp for TB test reading and mail delivery. My stomach intermittently makes loud complaints about the black beans and rice I had for dinner last night (but stomach, they were sooo gooood), and though I slept until 8, I really could use a lot more at this point. I've been doing a lot of staying up too late for nuthin.

I've said it before, but I'll say it again: I don't know how uneducated, dumb, or timid people make it in this world. Additionally, I don't know how people who can't run around the hospital in person ever get adequate medical care that is covered by their insurance. Today, I went to the clinic to drop off some stuff, then I stopped by podiatry. Woo they had a cancellation, so now I have an appointment tomorrow morning instead of the 19th. So then the woman says I should make sure they push through the referral, and to get a real human being on the phone to do so. I decide to take that advice a step further and actually go up to BIMA to bug the referral folks in my PCP's office. I come to discover that because I've never actually had an appointment with the doc, they don't have my insurance in their system, and at the present time the doc isn't taking new patients so I have to have a new doc. Fortunately the nice lady pushed through a one-time referral with the old doc, and got me set up with a new doc (appointment for that is Nov 10! I guess I can have a physical or something), and I got my insurance put in and all. SO, it all worked out just fine, and rather efficiently, but I can't imagine trying to navigate that mess over the phone.

Cottage cheese makes great tuna lube. Much better than mayo. Though I was disturbed by the lack of cottage cheese in the tub today... either I ate more of it this week than I thought, or my dear roommate who eats compulsively got into it. Which would be really shitty of her considering I have like three food items in the house right now.

God, I've just been in a fog this week, and today is the worst. I've been so unproductive. I'm on a sleep deficit, I think, and this foot of mine isn't helping me to feel active and healthy. I really need some good exercise, but there's very little that can be done with a bum foot. And I'm sure being off the diet is screwing me up, because instead of being on this meticulously well-balanced daily diet, I'm sort of half-assing it and some days eating very little and some days kinda chowing down (like yesterday). Beh, I just want to sleep.

Half the bastards on my IM list are taking a nap! I wish I could be in college! Oh, except for that reading and exam time coming up, I don't miss that.

Dammit, I really want to play DDR! Stupid foot!

You never know what might work out.