I volunteered to lay out the BDJ. It's a convoluted story. Anyway, any current senior staffers should have their articles ready no later than December 1, because this shit should be going to press in February.

I was also going to complain about a lack of photos, but in reality, there isn't enough space. If people would write shorter articles, it would not only take them less time, but it would also be easier to lay out.

HOLY SHIT 28 DAYS LATER IS FUCKING SCARY. I'm exactly the kind of person who finds most horror flicks very tedious, but who finds this sort of movie scary as shit in every single way. I'm a big sucker for Normal Humans Are Scary type stuff, though... after all, one of my favorite X-Files was "Irresistible," which was about this creepy fetishistic serial killer, and had nothing to do with the supernatural (well, until a later season where they brought the character back and totally fucked things up, but I sorta stopped paying attention by then).

Finished the BDJ today. I rock!

Darryl and I went to Bombay Club for dinner. It was YUM.

So, I started gathering hubba stats as a way to maybe get myself to post less. It has failed. I don't even know how it happened, but I managed to be like 20% of all traffic this month. I posted many links, and I do tend to reply to lots of things... but damn! I think I spend too much time on the computer. Due to my last minute surge of posting, and Sam's relative awayness from the computer this month, I ended up ahead on the entire school year. I was going to post modifed rankings of the year, but now I'm embarrassed!

I'm glad things have turned out the way they have.

I don't have to do that much, and they think I'm great.

Soooo tired... It's the domino effect of lateness... stayed up later than normal watching Queer Eye, which meant I had my phone on when my sister called... stayed up late enough talking to Am that my computer was still on when Jer showed up online... stayed up late enough talking to him that Salon put out its new edition, and so I didn't go to bed until I read all of that. Which was really way too late!

So now I need a nap. Maybe after dinner and dishwashing.

I'm sorting out the grad school thing. Actually, I've decided I really really really want to go to Hopkins. All the other programs, I kinda have to stretch them a little in my mind to make them really feel right, but the Hopkins crew, man, they're saying all the right things, baby, and I like it. I was reading through their web stuff this morning, and it was like having a first real conversation with someone you know is going to be your next best friend, and I was just *shaking* I was so excited. But gah! To get myself set on one thing! But I have to say, that's never failed me, outside of like boys and stuff. Anyhoo, I'm talking to Jeff tomorrow about applying and maybe actually getting somewhere on this paper.

The very weird thing about having my #1 choice be Hopkins, however, is that now staying here is not my #1 choice. It's weird to think that going away from this place I know and love many things about I want to leave, all because of some crazy perfectly-fitting grad program. Heh. But, we'll see, maybe it won't end up happening and I'll end up staying or going somewhere else even.

HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE BRAGHWRERERAGWERRRR!!!!

This message brought to you by PMS. Because everything else is going just fine, I only feel like killing things for no reason.

Actually, what would be awesome would be a racquetball court to myself so I could just slam a ball around. That would fucken kick ass.

I did beat up on the chair some, but it gives me burns on my knuckles and isn't reallt that satisfying.

Fall is weird, with school starting and all. Actually, weirder is seeing all these BU kids moving in, and having tons of my friends simultaneously going home for the last summer hurrah before their school starts. Friggin weird Harvard.

My room is clean! Now I just need to get rid of the big bag o' clothes that I dont' want.

The whole stupid thing has me in a bad humor, reopens the wound, reveals it to still be festering. I keep wondering what would make it go away, what would make me feel better. I feel like it's justice that I want to see; I want to see the world pay it back hundredfold. But I dunno if that would change anything really.

Sad thing is, I was really feeling good about all that. But maybe any good feelings on that topic are just a house of cards waiting for the first little breeze...

In fun news... fall is almost here! There is so much fun in the works, I can't stand it.

The house is lively; everyone is here, Darryl is here. It's fun!

Anyone who remembers me putting a gun to their head and telling them to read and think about my journal, well, you're nuts. So stop it.

I can't believe there's only one more week in August. Summer flew by this year. And it was a really great summer, and I felt really good and active and social. It's been four months since I ended the study, and I've stayed below that finish weight. And I've noticed the effect it's had on everything. I still feel tired way more often than I'd like, and I'm still lazier than I want to be, but the difference is clear.

My brain's doing a lot better too, even with the little setbacks. They're just minor blips now.

If that's not the way you want me to see you, don't present yourself that way. Don't make stupid, insensitive, melodramatic remarks and expect me to think you get it. That just makes it even clearer to me that you *don't* get it.

Had dinner courtesy of Darryl last night over on Kinnaird St. We ended up watching three movies, but one of them was High Fidelity, which is fun and I've see it before, and the third one was Old School, which I've seen, oh, a few times now. After that, Danny and I decided to hit the bars, and I suggested heading to Davis so we wouldn't have to cath a cab after the drinking. Only problem with that is all Davis bars close at 1, which is a bummer, but we still got two rounds in. The Joshua Tree had the music turned up way too loud, but we managed to chat okay. Then it was Cube-ward, and we watched Nightmare on Elm St III, which was entertainingly bad. Oh, and then The Craft was on TV, and that was mostly just bad. :-) I tried to go home in the middle of it (at like 4:30), but it was friggin freezing outside for me in tank top and shorts, and there were no cabs to be seen, or any other cars for that matter. So I waited until Damon decided he was never going to be allowed to sleep due to the chatter of our insomniac K-brew, and he drove me home. Woo.

I've been trying to clean my room. Like, really clean it. But it takes forever! I can't wait until everything is settled around the house; Betsy moved almost all the rest of her stuff in, and so now there's new little changes to get used to. Then Darryl will be here starting tomorrow until move-in, and B's roommate is staying with us the first half of September until she leaves for France, so it's gonna be all crazy-like around here for a bit longer.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm not just irked by the unintentional irony of her words, though that was the initial feeling; I'm irked by the attribution of Bad Things to Otherness, places not like the ones I live in, people not like the ones I know. We know at least the latter is flat-out the opposite; there's the irony, the dark thing that makes me laugh bitterly. That sort of distancing, while comforting to the psyche, can ultimately be the worst kind of dangerous. If you expect that everyone is capable of everything, at least you don't have to deal with the shock and disappointment on top of the harm you might experience. There's nothing worse than being blindsided.

I love lazy weekends!

Last night I mostly bummed around, making it to the BR well before the 10-minute torrential downpour. Went to Darwin's with Clark, Courtney, and Matt. I forgot how good that place is. Bummed around some more and then went home.

I really like the more unconventional aspects of my life.

RIP Archie C. Epps III. :-(

I may just end up pulling out of the Verizon War, throwing some money at the problem and running away. My troops are tired of fighting, and we're running out of weapons. Namely, I don't have any proof any of these jackasses said anything to me. I have records, complaints I made at the time, but it's still just my word against the lack of words recorded by the company. I just want them to go away, but I feel horrible giving up. I also feel this sneaking suspicion that I'll just keep getting bills! And then I paid the one, so that one was justified! You know, I'm going to call them and make someone fax me confirmation of cancellation.

No one with curly hair should sit in front of me on the bus. I mean curly like lots of big springy fat curls just begging to be sproinged. I almost never have sproingable curls, even when I curl my hair, so they seem like a playtoy. But I think it would be noticed if I were to reach out and sproing one.

Like the Iraq war, battles continue long after the war was declared over in the Great Verizon Conflict of 2003. But I will win, yes yes, I will win.

I just read on salon.com that Johnny Depp is going to play Willy Wonka! Hooray! Speaking of Edward Sexyman (okay, that was terrible), I still haven't seen Pirates, which is a travesty. I should remedy that this weekend.

Mick Jagger is 60?!! Holy shit!

The Belgian ale had me asleep before 9:30, but I'm still tired today. Part of the problem is that I haven't been able to drink coffee... last week's bad milk incident has left me feeling yech every time I get a whiff of coffee, and my stomach has been pretty yech lately anyway. Stupid stomach, and stupid lack of caffeine. I try to drink tea, but it's just not the same, though it does seem to appease the tum tum.

I had this dream last night that he wrote me a letter, a really long one, but it didn't make any sense at all. I was really hoping to get some useful meaning out of it, but it was just craziness in blue ink.

SOMETIMES THE IRONY DRIVES ME CRAZY.

This message brought to you by the people who somehow feel obliged to let you stay in your blissful ignorance of the horrors around you.

Because who knows, maybe things change. I won't come to a conclusion, though, until he's dead.

Tonight was All-You-Can-Eat night at Uno's with the kids. The price is right, even if you can't eat all that much. And yet I thought it would be a good idea to have a milkshake after... I had a coupon! And Jamie ate way more than me and could eat ice cream, but I forget Jamie is all stomach. I think I will sleep.

WHO DO I HAVE TO KILL TO GET SOME HEAT AROUND HERE??? Or just a lack of insane air conditioning. I'm sick of coming to work and feeling miserable and cold.

Though I do love having little dance parties in my chair while I enter data.

And looking at whatever I want on the internet because no one can see my monitor without entering my office.

IP addresses MUAHAHAHA.

For the ten years before I went off to college, I went to Lobo basketball games every season. The coach that entire time, starting with Lobo basketball when I did, was Dave Bliss. I may never see more games coached by a single person. He always seemed classy, well-spoken, intelligent. Hence, the cruelty, coldness, and frank idiocy of his actions, both in clearly breaking NCAA rules and in even thinking of covering them up by besmirching the name of a dead man, are considerably shocking to me. It's disappointing and slightly angering to think, when I was a kid, I rooted for this guy. Now, there's nothing even hinting that he did anything remotely like this at UNM; in fact, my dad passed along that he talked to the AD last week, and he was completely unable to piece the news with the man he had known. Nonetheless, it leaves a tainted feeling.

Hooray for the TJMaxx here having my purse, so I could exchange the busted one! And hooray for Lisa for telling me it existed (last week, before the purse busted). And hooray for Mall Discount and crazy expensive but alky-tastic Belgian ales.

So no one did come with me to the monuments (a surprising number of people were actually *working* yesterday), but I had a great time. It's almost 300 steps to the top of the Bunker Hill Monument, and I was real sweaty by the time I hit the top, but it felt good (*felt* being the operative word and I stiffly gimp around today). Then I watched a failed musket-firing demo, which was still really cool nonetheless. Actually, it fired when I was going away from the monument toward the U.S.S. Constitution, and I wasn't sorry to be a bit away from it, as it was loud.

After stopping at the Cheap Slushie Truck, I went to the U.S.S. Constitution, where there was airport-style security, and then a tour. It was pretty neat, but I can't imagine being with 450 people in that relatively small space for long periods of time out on the ocean. We didn't see the two lower decks, but they certainly had to be smaller than the top deck and the gun deck.

After that I wandered around North Station and Quincy Market. This weekend was the Fisherman's Festival, which mostly consisted of a street fair. Highlights included a whole roast pig, insanely loud music, and the Madonna, recalling some of the crazy Spanish floats from Holy Week. Jack, Court and Emma joined me in the evening, and we went to L'Osteria, best restaurant ever, and I had a delightful plate of spaghetti and meatballs. Sometimes it's best to keep it simple. I couldn't get ahold of Lisa and Eric, who we'd seen earlier, so we headed to H Square, where we all became too lazy to go out. So I hung out in the Dumpster with Jer for a bit until bus time.

Today was day of People Are Getting Old and Living in the Bay Area. First I talked to Withers online: they made it, and they even have an apartment to move into next week. Then Emily Garin, er, Clayton (or shall we say, Mrs. Storey Clayton, muahaha) called me up as she is in town for PIRG training, and she had the afternoon free. So we hung out at Anna's in Davis for many hours, chatting away. After that, I figured out that it's not too bad to get to Alewife from Davis, but that damn near everything there closes at 6 on Sunday, meaning I have to go back tomorrow to try to exchange my ailing purse (if they even have the same purse). I did manage some Bread and Circus action before heading back to Davis for the bus home.

Now I want a leg massage.

Last night I came home, made dinner, and when nothing fun had materialized by about 8 pm, I fell asleep. I guess I was tired. But I was also pretty bored.

I realized this morning that I don't have default friends. When I was in college, I had several default friends, people who were almost always around who didn't have other, better people to hang out with. And likewise, I was a default friend to many. That's sort of what college is, I guess. After college, I have plenty of friends, but they aren't just around and free. And several of them have better things to do than hang out with me all the time. And I'm generally too wussy to call people until I find someone to hang out with.

My plan for today is to go to the Bunker Hill Monument and the U.S.S. Constitution, and then to the North End for the fisherman's festival. Whether anyone comes with me or not.

Yesterday I made coffee, and it tasted like poo. Seriously, the closest thing to poo I have ever tasted. I assumed it was the assy coffee I bought, which had not before tasted like poo, but which had never tasted good. So when I went to MB yesterday, I picked up some nice coffee beans and ground them up this afternoon and made coffee... which certainly tasted better, but which still had eau de poo in there. Then I realized the sip I took of it before I added milk tasted fine. THE MILK WAS POO. And I didn't know it because I only use it for coffee. The fridge temp has been cranked down, as milk should not go bad that fast.

I just went out and visited summer... our new office is a meat locker. The one disadvantage to my office: no window, meaning I get no relief from the cold. I still don't regret my office decision, though, and it's nice to be misanthropic and not talk to people all the time. Not that I minded my old officemate... she and I had a good sense of when to talk and when to work. The other RAs are nice, but more tiresome.

So, despite my small gripe on Saturday, I don't actually really have roommates yet, just their stuff. K took off to Maine with her boyfriend for the week, and B isn't moving in until the end of the month, as her current apartment has air conditioning. So she's moving stuff up bit by bit, and she moved in couches Saturday. Which is fab, cuz furniture rawks.

The weekend was super chill. After work Friday I decided to walk towards the Square. I bought a new toy -- USB flash keychain drive -- at Microcenter, and then proceeded to Trader's, where I got a call from the Doctor... oh, I forgot this story. Midweek I went to scroll through my outgoing calls list to find a number, and I discovered the Doc among the numbers listed there, though I had no recollection of such a call. The phone told me I made said call one Saturday night at 2 am, sometime during Charlie's drunkenness. I had no idea if I talked to him or left a message or what had happened. Anyhoo, I guess I left a drunken message, probably bugging him about why he wasn't at the going-away party. Turns out he was on a cruise. We met up and went to Daedelus, joined later by K-brew, and even later by D and his sister. After that was the Cube, where we watched Cops in horror, and then the smoke was too mcuh and I went home.

Saturday I woke up way too early due to landlord and incoming furniture, cleaned the kitchen, and then relaxed. Jer came over for TV and my absolutely non-existant selection of tasty beverage. Sunday was supposed to be roller skating, but it rained right when we were supposed to meet, and by rain I mean downpour. But then it stopped and everything was dry an hour later, so we probably could have gone, but enh. That evening was the group BBQ at Holly's, a party good time.

Last night was meat meat meat at Redbones with Lisa. I luv meat. It's good to have her back from NYC, so we can chill.

Yesterday Withers called me from outside Albuquerque looking for lunch suggestions. That gave me an odd feeling all afternoon, of homesickness and wistfulness and change. East and West, all mixed up.

Heh, I was just reading an old entry from the end of March in which I was saying that I really wanted was something normal. I was just pondering the other day how I got normal and I secretly loathe it! It's all a farce for me, all pretending. I really just wanna play now... it's more fun and a lot easier to get right.

Oh, a great line from April: "I dunno, it's still hard not to come away with the message that people find me a good idea in theory, but when faced with the reality of me, would rather run very far in the opposite direction." Ha! Still true!

After basically living alone for a month, it's cramping my style a bit to have so many people aroud. Though K's boyfriend made me a mocha, which is great. :-)

It's funny, it's so much better feeling to be on the same page, even if it's not a "good" one, than to be in icky limbo. And I think it's the most sensible outcome.

It's weird, though, what I've learned about the usefulness of Reason in these things. Everything can be totally right in a logical, rational, sensible kind of way, but be off in just the way it needs to work. It's sort of disappointing, really. But I guess that's humanity in this modern conception of it... the click and the spark are elusive and crazy, but very real and very needed.

Lieberman is saying Dean is too liberal, and now Kucinich is saying he's not liberal enough. Keep talking, boys!

Last night I decided I didn't like my new nail polish (fun and orangey, but not enough coats, so they looked too translucent and yech), and I was thinking of just painting over with another color, but then I found a bottle of this milky sparkly stuff I never use... it was perfect! It's mostly clear, but with an electric pink tint and small colorful sparkles. So now my fingernails are opaline. I keep getting distracted by their shininess.

I got my loot from home yesterday, including the return of Kiefer to my loving arms. I'm trying to determine the best way to view the first season... the storyline splits after 13 hours, so it's possible to make a 13/11 division, but that's still a lot of TV for two days. I guess we'll see who wants to watch it and go from there.

Coffeemaker at work! My old Managerial one-cup is now in my new digs. And we got a brand new full-size fridge, which will I hope not get as disgusting as our little fridge downstairs.

Today I'm not really tired, but I can't get any work done. I can read things on the internet just fine, but I can't do *anything* productive. Maybe I'm just not used to the space yet, maybe I need to hang up posters.

Went down to the BR and lazed around for a while before coming home to watch Queer Eye. Chilling in the BR was good because I got to be both slothful and social.

Beh... more when I can really put together a thought.

I feel surprisingly unshitty considering how little and how poorly I slept last night (second night of waking up a lot quite briefly... but annoying). Went to Cambridge Common with Withers for dinner, then headed out for a beer at Shay's before hitting Chuck's for karaoke. Dear Boston-based of-age folks: we have to go to this as often as possible. It's real fun. Only bummer of the night was missing the last bus, even though I got there on time, you stupid bus fuckers. But there were no other folks waiting at all, so it was cab time.

There's not a lot that can be said, I now discover, without sounding wrong. My feelings are complex and competing. So.

Goodbye, dude. INC.

Now that I'm at work, the effects of lack of sleep seem to be total loss of productivity and general depressedness.

I think today sets new records for doing nothing at work. But I got my nails filled at lunch, so woo! This guy buffed them down a lot so they're more natural looking... and scratchy sharp fun! I think they also won't lift so much so filling will be easier next time, or maybe I can even go 3 weeks instead of 2 before refill.

I decided yesterday that I need to just chill.

Boys never talk, nor will they draw any conclusions from general impressions. I guess it works out for them pretty well, but I could never live that way.

You know, for once in my life it would be nice to have someone who gave a crap about seeing me at all. Why do I bother with any but apathy myself?

Pout. :-(

I am bored. I am not being entertained. This was not the plan.

I'm relieved to hear things are moving forward.

So, weekend recap. Friday night was Withers' going-away party, which was fun though I could only stay until 11 due to aforementioned GREs. I managed to imbibe plenty of velvet hammer and straight-up champagne, however. Saturday night was fun at Chuck's with rusty nails... whenever I go to Charlie's, I have the hardest time remembering how exactly I got home. I know there was a cab, but I don't even remember how much it cost, which I usually do remember. Anyhoo, it was a cheery evening chatting with various folks. This morning I was awoken at 10 am by my incoming roommate, here a day early. So I got up and cleaned the bathroom, and her and her dad moved everything in. Eventually I felt restless and went out to Target and then to Davis for chilling. It poured a lot and my feet got wet. I returned and new roomie had made epic progress on setting up her room. Very amazing. I'm so damned lazy, I'm the kind of person who lives out of boxes for at least a week after moving in. Actually, that's not really true at all, but it seems true in comparison to the amount of work put forth today.

I rocked the hizzy on my GREs! Well, we'll see when the essay scores return, but I can't imagine that being too bad.

Garment District is having a half-off sale this weekend, so now I own red leather boots.