Then the further question is why someone would act so out-of-character.

It's amazing, though, that something can not really succeed as an immediate-term strategy, but as a slightly-longer-term strategy, it can work remarkably well. Maybe the key to getting what you want from someone is to get inside their head so much that they can't think of anything else.

If it were up to me, I probably wouldn't eat today, because my insides are all aflutter. Stupid diet.

DDR and basketball helped immensely to put other things in my brain. On the way home, I was thinking about what I want... now that I've been forced out my blissful ignorance of the question... and part of me just wants something normal. You know, like normal people do. Normal people who meet other people and date and go out for coffee or picnics or walks by the river or who knows what, who pick out a few people they like and maybe even identify each other as significant others, and eventually there is one that's right and there you have it. I don't feel like getting to the endpoint very quickly, but how about the beginning? How about the nice normal getting to know each other? Is that too much to ask? Then again, part of me thinks that sounds a little dull... and maybe a little wildness could be good too... not the muck and mire of my college years, but something clean and clear and simply fun.

Maybe I'll never get over sitting behind Peirce Hall, looking out over and empty field and a forest and the stars above us, him reaching over to play with my hair... and the way he sang my name and looked at me, and in that look I saw that he understood me and looked into me and loved everything. That's the standard to which all else is held in my mind, and nothing since has even come close. But I still hold hope that something will eventually.

Hmmm. HMMMMMMM. Raising my eyebrows, but in a good way.

In playing NationStates, I first directed my nation to be a Scandinavian Liberal Paradise, but as the issues kept coming around again, I decided to change it, and now it's a Psychotic Dictatorship, which I think is really more fitting. "The Queendom of Really Pink Pants is a enormous, environmentally stunning nation, remarkable for its complete lack of prisons. Its hard-nosed, cynical population of 311 million are ruled without fear or favor by a psychotic dictator, who outlaws just about everything and refers to the populace as `my little playthings.'" Yeah, that's about right.

I hate wind so very much. Today was supposed to be warm, but it cloudy and windy and not at all feeling nice outside. I really want to get out of the house, but I'm feeling unmotivated to fight the wind. Why must it suck on the weekend?

Anyone have fun plans for the evening? I am bored.

Eyebrows raised completely beyond hairline and all the way to back of neck.

It's amazing the things you learn in just one day. But it's the most excitement I've had in ages! I can only handle this much excitement, not even all the excitement that was proposed.

:-( I hope I didn't hurt his feelings. But, really, come on, I wasn't given many options if that's the case.

It would also help if I knew what I wanted, so I'm not disappointed after not getting something I pass on.

I got my new glasses today. I do not hate them! I actually like them a lot. So that's good.

Hockey was sad... we lost. No shock; we always lose to BU. On the way home, Keith headed the wrong way on 290, so we decided to hit 495 to Route 2... which took us right to the bowling alley, where we stopped for a couple of games. I did all right, 95 and 122, third place both times. Jack kicked our asses in the first game, and then the other two boys played much better second games while Jack played worse, and he finished last in the second game. It was amusing.

Then we returned, and Chris was gone all the way home (like, home home), which was a problem as he'd put my food in the Molotov kitchen in Adams, and it's not very accessible. Fortunately the security guard was very nice and Jack was around to vouch for me, so I got my food (albeit very late... just finished dinner at almost midnight), and Jack and I wandered the tunnels a bit looking at the places where they painted over old murals to put up new ones. He was annoyed at some of the ones they painted over.

Heh, Jamie's journal always reminds me of me in college (I talk like it was forever ago): not taking care of myself, and always feeling odd and left out. Okay, I still feel the latter, but it's gotten better. Dear Jamie, you are a vibrant person, and that will always irk some people. But most people, including me, think you are great and enjoy your company immensely. You can't suddenly trust that people like you all in one day, but if you keep trying to believe it, eventually, you will feel more comfortable as you realize it really is true that people like you! And taking care of yourself is easier after college, I swear.

I had lots of fun at the party, and it seemed to be going well when I left except for too much computer discussion that was resistant to being broken up. It was good in that I knew everyone there a little but not too much, and I liked everyone who was there. And Virginia is a funny story-teller! People were lively and no one was too drunk (yet) so I didn't feel left out. I just got tired.

That's been happening to me at parties. I'll be having a good time, and then it's like my Fun Battery has run out, and I start to feel deflated, so I leave, and then I feel *really* deflated. I feel better now, but I felt pretty yech from the moment I left until I got home, for no really solid reason. I wish it wasn't a weeknight, because I would have liked to push through the tired and stay longer... maybe that's why I felt sucky, because I didn't really want to leave yet. Who can say.

....reading some stuff from a few months ago and thinking the other day I realized an acute feeling of distance. This has happened before, with other close friends, as time goes by and suddenly you're just going through the motions of friendship. I feel like everything has lost any real sincerity, I do things more out of friendly obligation than real feeling, I get a response that is appropriately friendly but also lacking in sincerity. And there's see ya soon and we'll hang out, but who really cares if it happens, because it only happens to ease the guilt of changing. There are moments of joy, of remembering what used to make it work, but they're not the substance of the interaction, just its side effects. And maybe the side effects are worth something, at least for a little while, until you find sufficient better things to do.

No one should have notions that I'm very swift. Even though it has been YEARS since his appearance on the scene, only today did I realize that Eminem stands for M and M which stands for Marshall Mathers. All this time I was going around like, doodeedoo Eminem's real name is Marshall Mathers doodeedoo, never putting the connection together.

When my alarm went off this morning, I was so shocked I nearly had a heart attack. I was dreaming that it was dark and I was about to go to bed.

I had a spontaneous eye appointment today. I walked into a place near work to see if they took my insurance, and then to make an appointment, but they were taking walk-ins so I just had the appointment. And so I have new glasses ready Friday... which I am currently freaking out about because they were expensive, and I feel like I should not spend so much on frames, and I've convinced myself that I chose poorly and I will hate them so very much. Of course, I did try on tons of glasses, and looking at what I think are the correct styles online, I like them. Just ACK. What if they're awful and I spent all that money? On the other hand, I wear glasses all the time, so if they are good, I shouldn't spaz about expense. Except I worry that perhaps the PERFECT glasses are out there somewhere, and I just should have shopped around more. Urgh. I wish my insurance covered more, then I wouldn't care so much. At any rate, I think I'll find they're cute without being too flashy, and Victoria told me that she goes there too and they're really nice and great about fixing things.

WOOOOOO LOBOS!!! They're going to the Sweet 16, but not very far... the games are at the Pit, and the place is going to be a madhouse. Hell, last two games this weekend my dad called me as he had to walk from the far side of the football stadium where he had to park because people were there so psycho early. Listening to the radio broadcast, I heard the announcer just go silent for seconds at a time because the place was so loud that there was no point in making chatter.

I wonder if it would be a problem if I slept on the cot in here... uh, I mean, the clinic is so amazingly fun! I've been here all day and seen one whole patient, who spoke Spanish! The interpreter did all the work, and Jeff was there, so he filled in, and I was too much of a weenie to speak in Spanish. Since then, boredom. At least I don't have to talk to people if there aren't any! Of course, this pilot will also take a year.

What is it that is taking up so much time these days? I dunno, but I'm busy, and I don't have any interest in watching movies, so I'm quitting Netflix, and the gym is not exciting me, so I'm quitting that too. Fuck that shit. I will now quit whatever does not appeal to me. Including you, so watch out.

Maybe it's my addiction to DDR that crowds out my desire to do anything else. :-)

Actually, I think it's just that I find myself less bored than I used to. I have enough energy to do the things I need to do, so I'm always busy.

What I need to do now is make some tea so I can stop being so cold, but my roommate has *another* friend over and is invading the kitchen yet again. Out of control, man. I come home tired and bleh, and I can't even just chill because there's always fucking people here!

And what the fuck with it getting so cold out? It was nice all day when I didn't have time to go out, and as soon as the sun set the temperature plummeted. And tomorrow I'm stuck in clinic all day. And I'm not ready for the clinic at all, but Jeff says, "Don't let the perfect drive out the good," meaning I need to just not worry about sucking. The problem is that I enjoyed planning everything for the pilot, but I don't actually want to talk to the people. All these people come in for interviews and say they want to have contact with people, and I'm like, I just want to do research and have someone else deal with the people. I hate the fucking people. Eh, but maybe these folks won't be as dumb as the phone folks were.

I hardly ever do this, but last entry deleted for being way too fucking mean. Even if it is true.

I feel like when I was about 9 or 10 years old, listening to the Lobo game on the radio because I couldn't go to the game. Back then it was men's hoops, and I couldn't go because it was a weeknight. Now it's women's hoops, and I can't go because I'm 2000 miles away, and I can't go find a TV or propbably finish listening to the radio broadcast because it's a weeknight. :-) Self-enforced bedtimes are the worst.

Oh, and instead of Mike Roberts, it's some clown from MSU. What in the heyull?

What a crazy night! SO, the Will Call window did *not* work out, leaving us with one ticket. Frank was also hanging out with J when I got there (Frank never remembers that we've met, every single one of the approximately gajillion times we've "met"). So, I said we should just sell the one ticket, but J is not exactly an aggressive salesman, and the scalpers are just too much to compete with, and selling one ticket is hard. So finally I said, look, you two go off and have fun, I'll pay for this ticket and go watch the games, even if I have to be alone.

Best idea ever! Well, I mean better would have been if J could have come. But still it was great! When I went in, I sat in the nosebleed section where the ticket told me to go. I quickly realized two things: 1) the place was frickin' empty! I mean, seriously, tons of empty seats, not just enough for people to be coming from work or whatever. TONS. I must say, the Pit is a way better arena for this sort of thing than the Fleet Center, which is just too large and doesn't attract the sort of crowd that will religiously attend all games and make lots of noise. 2) There were several entrances to seats on the lower level that were not being ushered aggressively, if at all. I spotted a big old open row in the corner with an unushered opening, zipped out and around, and grabbed a really fabulous seat delightfully near the floor. So, I went from the furthest I've ever sat from a basketball floor to really quite great seats.

Shortly after, a couple of guys came and sat next to me, and the section filled up a bit. The guys were really awesome and sort of adopted me as their basketball collegue (I think the guy sitting next to me was impressed with my 10 years of Lobo hoops attendance and my committment to attending tournament games all alone), which was totally fun. They were great. We soon realized that like 60% of the section didn't have tickets there; it must have been formerly occupied by Penn fans or some loser from the early session. The first game was wicked dull: Pitt destroyed Wagner, no problem. The second game was absolutely great: Indiana and Alabama played it really close, and IU pulled it out in the end. Both bands were amazing and kept us entertained and riveted during timeouts -- esp Alabama, damn, were they awesome. The real atmosphere of college hoops was cranked up for this game.

Afterwards I headed out toward Haymarket (since getting into North Station looked daunting), and stopped outside a Hooters with a big old crowd to watch Butler overtake MSU and Maryland eke one out over NC-Wilmington. Augh, I love March so damn much! And it's just a fabulous night out, warm and foggy and salty. I actually walked home from Lechmere, since I missed the bus and didn't want to wait 40 mins for the next one. So nice.

In sum, I'm so glad I went to the game. Esp since if I hadn't I would have been mad for not going to hockey, and I really do love basketball oh so very much. I feel bad J didn't get to go, but he really did not want to go by himself, and I don't know as he was that set on it at all.

Would it kill my roommate to mention to me when she's going to be having people over for dinner? Last night it didn't matter because I was gone for the entire time, but tonight I come home, fairly late, and I'm starving, but I feel awkward busting into the kitchen and nuking my dinner with company around. Then I have to be social and nice when I'm feel hungry and cranky. If I had known ahead of time, I would have come home earlier to eat. Between this, her inability to keep her crap off of mine in the refrigerator (I mean seriously, most I have is three days worth of food... give me some space!), and her inability to put dishes away (she does them just fine... well, except that many of them aren't clean, but give her credit for trying), she's driving me nuts. And I know it's not the other roommate because she's away on spring break, she's totally quiet and I barely even know when she is home, and when it was just her and I while the first roommate was gone for the holidays, this house was so much more manageable. Rar.

I wish I had an apartment where DDR was possible, because I would play it all the time and I would never need a gym membership.

As it is, the warmer it gets, the more I think I should quit the gym because I never want to go. Before I didn't want to go because it was cold, and now I'm just tired of it and would rather go for walks and do stuff at home. But... we'll see how the rest of the month goes, and maybe I need to have the variety available.

Fuck fuck fuck. J called to say the folks at the hotel where he picked up the tix were fascist, and despite him having his friend's ID and ticket voucher, wouldn't give him the other ticket. They are suck. We now have to finagle it out of the Will Call window, which will, I hope, be staffed by a disgruntled teenager who won't care what the fuck story we have, instead of one of these stuck of Pitt jerkoffs. Otherwise, I may have to break out puppy eyes and faucets, or we'll have to find an asian dude to stand in for J's friend. FUCK. I do think this will work out, however.

Seriously, being a hermit is the only way to get away from people and their insanity.

I keep waiting for a measurement that sill jump up, but every day this week it's been down down down. Over 4 lbs since Friday! I don't think that will continue, but I'll take it for now.

I am not getting any work done. I cleared off my desk, and now I don't want to start anything.

I wish the logistics could have worked out for me to go to the protests today. Sounded like they were great. Though a funny story came across the wires earlier today: at Harvard today, freshmen found out what houses they'll be in for the next three years. This always leads to something like a massive pep rally outside the freshman dining hall at lunch, as upperclassmen scream and yell and wave banners and hand out t-shirts to pimp the greatness of their house to the lucky freshmen who will enter. Some local news mistook this madness for the anti-war rally that was to take place at 12:30. Somehoe I don't think Pforzheimer House's "Pfuck the River" signs really indicate much to do with Iraq, war, blood, oil, or peace -- words you'd think you'd find *somewhere* on a sign and an anti-war rally.

But I did finish my midterm in half an hour... this class is such a joke. I celebrated by playing like an hour of DDR. And trying to ignore the fact that I missed so many damn good basketball games today. I'm going tomorrow night, so that should more than make up for it! Oh, and someone reminded me in the BR that the evening session will be *2* games: not just Pitt vs. Wagner, but also Indiana vs. Alabama, which should be good. I'm so psyched.

I had fun hanging around the BR tonight. Poor Jamie not only was barfing all weekend, but now she has a busted patella. Though she's still awesome at DDR with her crutches. Katherine is awesome and I always enjoy talking to her. The kids all seemed to be upbeat... spring break on the horizon and and frosh housing and lots of theses being done here and there make for a pleasant atmosphere all around. Chris might come visit me over break, as he'll be around! I apologized for being bitchy last weekend.

In further noticeable changes, walking up the hill to my house is not so horrible anymore. I just kind of mosey up it (unless I take the shortcut, which is strenuous for part... but fun), which would not have been possible several months ago. I really used to have to dig in, and by the time I got to the top, my legs were killing me and I was totally winded. Now it's just another walk, even with a sore quad like I seem to have at the moment (DDR twerks things a little, since I get myself dreadfully off-balance all the time).

Uh, these pants are baggy. Not as bad as my jeans, but I noticed in the mirror that the fabric sticks out funny because they are riding low and my hips are not where the pants think they should be. Also, if today's weight sticks, I have reached NORMAL RANGE for my height. But considering I've lost 3.5 pounds since Friday's measurement, I expect a bit of a rebound any day now.

If you set up the foundations well, you too can live an odd and ironic life long after you've stopped doing anything to contribute to it.

So I wasn't sure if the pants were my imagination or what, so I have tried the Pants test to see. Shore nuff, a bunch of pants one size down FIT. Pants I have kept just for this occasion! Pants that I tried on not that long ago and frowned about. Next test will be the Shorts test, as I have some ridiculously old shorts that are the same size as the Pants, but which have shrunk and still don't feel great. And the dress I wore in March 2000? Zipped up like I just bought it, and I can sit in it and still breathe easily! It didn't even fit that well then!

Bah. This is all so much more trouble than it's worth. Why do people want so much?

As of 3 weeks from the start of the treatment diet, I am over 1/3 of the way to the endpoint! So, maybe 6 more weeks? That would rawk. I finally got my baseline weight today, thanks to the dietician returning and being more useful than everyone else. They threw out all the data from my first control phase that got terminated when I got sick, and just averaged the real control period. I lost a little weight over the first control period, amusingly enough.

So, J is coming to do some recruiting for his med school, Pitt, this weekend. We talked last weekend and said we should hang out Friday night. This weekend is also the 1st and 2nd rounds of the NCAA tournament, and one of the sites is here, Friday and Sunday. Sure enough, Pitt is playing here, Friday night! Upon realizing this, I emailed J to see if student tickets could be procured. And they were! (Barring disaster on pickup, since he could technically only get one, and thus had a friend reserve another, and we have to do some ID maneuvering and weirdness.) This can only mean one thing: war will cause the tourney to be postponed, and we won't get to go at all, because this worked out too perfectly.

I think I've finally discovered the fastest route from my house to the bus stop and back. Well, the lazy way home is still to T to Lechmere and bus to the top of the hill, but since it's been warmer, I've felt like getting a little more exercise. With the help of Mapquest and a bit of time to explore, I determined that there *is* a path directly over the hill, and it runs through Prospect Park. Which has a nice ramp conveniently conveying me exactly where I want to go. This is great. Going uphill is still brutal, but instead of one long uninterrupted moderately brutal stretch, there are two short very brutal stretches between completely flat stretches. This is much better. And it's a prettier walk.

I have muscles!

I've been getting bored with the gym, so I have acquired a variety of home exercise items: a pilates DVD (Pilates for Dummies!), an 8-lb dumbbell for arm buffness, and now this Body by Jake lower body dealie (for my buttisimo, as the silly book refers to it). So now when I'm too lazy to go to the gym, I don't just sit on my ass and stare at the wall, but I can actually do some stuff at home. Not really any cardio, but, eh, the whole point is I'm too lazy to go anywhere. Somehow working the old muscles doesn't seem so bad unless I'm really dead tired, and doing it here just seems like putzing around the house instead of real exercise.

So now I'm thinking maybe I don't need the gym, but I really do. The variety is good. And when it gets warmer out, I can also mix in a nice walk or possibly even collect my bike from Lisa's and figure out how to ride it. Both food and exercise need variety.

And yes, the inspirational web page is coming soon! As if this one isn't bad enough.

It is said often that changing the way you think will help change your behavior (and is possibly required, actually), but the reverse can also be true. There have been a couple psych studies in which they used tape to stick people's faces into smiles or frowns, and just the change in muscle position affects people's moods. I've been having a similar reaction to food with this diet: the behavior is changing the way I think. 1) Jennifer had a bagel with cream cheese a couple weeks ago, and she wiped off a huge posrtion of the cream cheese. I almost jumped out of my chair, because for this study, I have to eat absolutely everything no matter how much I'd rather just toss it. I forgot for a moment that this is not how normal people live. She was amused. Same thing happened in the BR when someone didn't finish a burrito. Nearly crapped my pants as my robot-brain went, "YOU MUST EAT EVERYTHING!" This particular mind-change is not that useful to me, just funny. 2) Portion-size. Major difference in how I view that. I was looking at an Uno's ad on the T yesterday, and I thought, huh, I'd like to have one-third of that steak. And we're not talking about a large steak, just a nice little cut, but it looked huge to me. Of course, I still would keep all the shrimp, but somethings never change. Then today we were meeting over at HSPH and they had all this leftover fruit and cheese from some meeting. The girls loaded up these plates, and this is all decent food for you, but it just looked revoltingly much to me. I mean, snacktime now has one piece of cheese and some fruit, and here we had a heaping pile of cheese and tons of fruit for a few people. It just seemed foul to me. 3) Carbs. I was reading another 1200 calorie diet (came with the B by J thing), and it had baked potato with dinner on several nights. I'm like, "A whole potato??? Don't you mean half? A third? Not possibly a whole one!" There are no potatoes in my diet, so the thought of a whole one is like, whoa, too many carbs! How about some barley instead? I'm just more aware of the sheer quantity of carb calories in everything now, and actually averse to too many of them.

People project this idea on me that I'm hungry all the time and I can't stand having food around me and that when I'm done I'll probably go on a food bender. And that's just not the case. Yeah, I'd like to have a little more freedom with my eating, but more as a social thing than anything else. But I've gotten to the point where I'm not really hungry, I have to remind myself to eat the rest of my snack, and I'm feeling pretty full after meals. Other food only bothers me insofar as it's chocolate (or baklava leftover in B3 today... I bolted from that room fast!), and even that I don't want a lot of, just a little piece. I feel like I will appreciate taste over quantity when I'm done, knowing just how much quantity matters, and how little additional food increases enjoyment of that food.

Even though I got to work at quarter to nine, I've managed to waste until nearly 10am catching up on email unrelated to work. I guess I did a little work in there. Very little.

I've been feeling a lot better the last few days... tiredness, really big anger, and complete lack of coordination seem to have gone away. Today I even did four loads of laundry and put together my new exercise toy.

I wish every day could have weather like today's. It was just perfect.

Is it possible to feel anything but despair about world events right now? I haven't even bothered to read about tonight's propoganda tripe, because I just can't deal, and the outcome is predetermined no matter what crap comes out of that stupid jerk's mouth. Though I did have a brief moment of hope when I logged into AOL and saw Bush's photo next to "the tyrant will soon be gone," until I realized the quote was not in reference to him, but from him.

In further news, my coworker was telling his tales of wandering through Chinatown this past weekend, and how sketchy it seems to have become. As I told my coworkers, I'm sure this war on terror will take care of these kinds of problems soon enough. I mean, really, is it any surprise that in a time of economic downturn, plus a time in which the government makes it clear to us all that violence is the inevitable course you must take when you don't like the way things are, that crime and signs of poverty are on the rise, at least anecdotally. Gosh, good thing we got rid of all that prosperity we had in the 1990s during the Clinton administration. It almost cured me of my cynicism.

So, women's hockey got slaughtered today, in an inauspicious precursor to the Frozen Four. And then the women's hoops team is going to Manhattan, Kansas for the tourney. I will not be going, because not only is the game on a Sunday (meaning no time to return for Monday's lunch), BUT IT'S IN FUCKING KANSAS. Really, like the middle-of-nowhere Kansas. The absolute worst site out of the 16 possible sites.

If anyone is interested in going to Albany for men's hockey, however, I would love to go.

I wish I still had the little tag that came with my plant, because I swear to god it said "Zebka", which I thought was a great name. But apparently it's really Zebra, which is a crap-ass name. At any rate, my plant look retarded. The internet tells me that this is normal, and should I wish to have a nice-looking Zebka (I don't fucking care if it's not really called that), I should hack off on of these silly little branches from the top (all that's left, really, since all the lower leaves have fallen off), and stick it in some water or soil to make a new plant. I've never had a real plant before, and now we're talking cuttings? Shit, man, will this shit really work? I guess I have to try, since right now I just have a retarded plant.

Bah. This weekend, man. I dunno. 1) Jack's friend from home was really cute and cool and I wish he lived here because he seems like he'd be fun to hang out with more. Maybe I should travel to Wisconsin where a supply of fairly cute, down-to-earth boys seems to be. 2) I was unnecessarily bitchy to Chris today. He'd been getting on my nerves a little with this crusty business, but I guess that didn't really warrant me getting all pissed at him today. I suppose it ended up being not at all a big deal, because we got along fine the rest of the day, but I still feel bad. 3) I told G at some point over IM that it's all over, all finally truly over. And it caught me by surprise to really see that that is true. The problem is that my brain lacks any serious places to go, and it's starting to bug me again. Maybe it should bug me more than my brain can't just deal with no focal point.

The hockey game was fun, and the new things Jack and crew are attempting to do at games are really really good. There aren't too many old stickler traditionalists around the Band right now, and I think that's good for making useful changes without having to worry about people bitching too much and making it hard. Folks are flexible.

But the party... bleh. Nothing against the party, it was just too much effort to have fun. 1) People were not dancing. This is becoming far too usual with this crew, and I think it might have to do with not enough Band women coming to parties. Guys don't want to dance, especially by themselves without girls on the floor. And I don't blame them. 2) I'm old, and a lot of folks I'd like to see aren't really around (even if they're still in school). This blows, and while the new kids are fun in their own way, they're new. And I'm old. 3) Not being able to drink at all blows. This will make me sound like a big old alcoholic, I'm sure, but it's much easier to get over the above things with a couple drinks. No one dancing? Who cares! Feeling old? So what, we're all drunk! Futhermore, the fact that I'm tired and my feet hurt also would seem unimportant with the numbing goodness of some whisky. Or, at least if any store in the damn square had some fucking Fresca, at least then I could obtain tasty hydration and not feel so deprived. When the accessible Fresca in my world is at home, along with my bed, it's not exactly motivating to stay at the party.

But I did have fun talking to some folks and being amused by the kids... I mean, yeah, many of these problems were present before the diet made them worse... it just sucks to feel out of place and out of sorts.

So, I've been saying for a few weeks that I keep waiting for a weekend when both my roommates are out of town visiting their significant others, so I can rampage around the house and maybe even have a shindig. But I have no such luck, and instead I get the opposite: both boyfriends are up for the weekend, it seems. And Daniel will actually be here all week for spring break. It just makes it harder to maneuver.

Addendum: maybe the one boy is only a visitor. Either way, everyone is in this frickin house and I just want to get my breakfast, but I don't want to talk to anyone! How can I get to my breakfast without socializing!

Well, I did have to talk to Lisa and Daniel to get my breakfast, but it was fine, and the promise of Kashi Go-Lean made it worth it. Now the house is empty. Woo! Daniel was funny; he asked if the microwave was mine, and I said I got it with his car. He said, "Thank you! No one ever calls it that anymore!" He was talking about the car, which Lisa has had up here since hers is so useless most of the time.

I learned something new the other day, which I feel like I should have known, but I don't think it's actually a well-publicized fact. Breakfast cereals have all those vitamins, right? Well, sort of. They're just sprayed on at the end of the process, like a vita-coating. So, if you put milk on your cereal, you have to drink the milk to get the vitamins, because they all get washed off into the milk. That, and they're not as absorbable as vitamins you get from foods that actually have them, but I guess they're better than nothing. At any rate, drink the milk, or eat dry cereal if you want the vitamins.

I had a weird thing tonight where I got home only to find it was an hour earlier than I thought it would be. The game went short, and when I looked at my watch, I read 10:30 based on assumption instead of the 9:30 reality. Because how could the game be that short! But it was. It was fun too, and their sieve started acting like a major jackass because he was sucking up the place. If I were sucking up the place, I think I would hide behind my facemask and keep my back to the crowd and relax during the ten seconds in which a puck is not being shot continuously at my face, but this guy felt differently.

Tomorrow morning, off to Brown for women's hockey. And then the selection shows in the evening to see who goes where everywhere. I'll probably just follow online so I can get home to dinner at a decent hour. I felt really bad tonight when Mazz was saying they really want us to come to Albany, because it would be so great to be there. But the money and the personnel point to women's basketball... which sucks because, I hate to say it, men's hockey is so much better. I'd kinda rather go to Albany myself, but Dave said there aren't enough people left over after wherever we go for hoops.

In other amusing news, apparently the athletic dept wants to have either Tom or Nat go on spring away trips. I think in the entire time I was at Harvard, Tom went to one winter gig at all, which was the hockey game in Worcester last year (though I feel like maybe he was at a home game once... maybe I'm just imagining things), and I don't think Nat has ever come to a winter gig. They have no interest in them, and we have no interest in them having an interest in them because we do quite well on our own. As far as I can tell, this is brought on by absolutely nothing except Bob Scalise being a dumbass. I told Dave, if they can't fork over any dough ever, we don't have to listen to them ever.

The masses are home... bleh. I get very overwhelmed by a crowded house. The way this place is laid out too, there's no good way for there to be a bunch of folks around and me to avoid them, other than being trapped in my room. The bathroom and kitchen are way down on the other end.

The old Pro is reading my mind with respect to this Smart stuff. Something wack is going on here. "Brainwashing" keeps getting floated around, and sure, it's possible (though hearing the term used in that part of the country... irony at it's finest, let me tell you), and maybe it's just classic Stockholm syndrome going on... but... yeah, Storey pegged pretty much all of the weird aspects. I would love to check back in five years from now to see how it all pans out.

Rar! No wonder I've been so tired! Rar, early fucking crampy bleh.

I've discovered a few things: 1) people are more bored than I ever suspected, and they totally take it out on the internet; 2) some of my suspicions were dead on; 3) there are more people watching more often than I thought; 4) I need to be more interesting; 5) what took me so damn long?

I didn't write here all weekend? Wow, not like I was that busy.

Everyone appeases me with potted plants. My roommate left her alarm clock (one of many) in the living room to wake her up from a nap. But it's one of these analog jobbers, so she set it for 4 pm, but didn't turn it off all the way and left it in there. So it went off at 4am, much to my hate. I stuck a post-it note on it this morning that said, "This went off at 4 am. (Please never let it happen again)." Which I thought was pretty nice. But she bought me some little flowers at the grocery store for apologies. By then, I had IMd with Gwen and heard about her life trauma, so I had way gotten over this silly thing.

Maybe I'm just a callous bitch (okay, I'm sure I'm just a callous bitch), but I've been in the exact same place, and I do not currently engage in melodrama and forced self-loathing when faced with the issue. You do what you have to do, and then you move on and make your life better and stop hounding yourself for past errors. Hound yourself for the current error of not progressing.

Like I've been known to tell people, don't apologize, just don't let it happen again. And I think it's a perfectly valid approach to take with oneself as well.

So, I closed my Cambridge Trust account finally this morning. All $23.87 that was left in it. I loved tha bank! But alas, it does not live where I do.

I think I'm going to leave wicked early today, on honor of me being here wicked late Tuesday.

I did leave early, but it's done nothing for my mood. I came home to find a second attempt notice for my fucking package, because UPS chooses the WORST time fo day to catch me, and seems to keep doing so until they stop trying, which is after one more time! I can't take a day off work to wait for a fucking package, and even though I swear to god one or the other roommate always seems to be home most days, neither one has been home at the right time the last two days (what would be nice would be if they'd both leave town the same weekend, but I should be so lucky...). Then, I at least had the consolation prize of getting my photos back from Clark Color. I amused myself with banquet pics and the start of yale changeover. Then I switched to the next roll... WHICH WASN'T FUCKING MINE! HATE.

I wrote on my weekly checklist form today that I have been experiencing irritability quite a lot this week. I mean, serious rage, like back when I had things to be rageful about. That and I'm completely uncoordinated, which only makes me more frustrated. And every time someone talks to me, I just want to close myself in a bubble... interaction is too fucking difficult. Bleh. Fucking diet.

If you see report of a new study showing that folks who eat a delightful (particularly whole grain) breakfast on a regular basis have a lower risk of developing obesity and type II diabetes, that would be a study by one of the co-investigators of the study I'm in. Thanks to Dr. P for training me to eat breakfast.

This reminds me, I hope they find great things from this study, so when it comes out in the papers, I can say, that was me! I was a lab rat for that! I was in the group that (lost less muscle mass/had more or fewer ill effects/went crazy and killed all those people)!

Seriously, I feel like the latter is most likely this week. I really wanted to go to the gym, but it's wicked cold outside, so instead I've been restless and not feeling any less BWRAWGHERRGWRWHRGHWER than I was earlier. I need some tranqs.

I would have thought I'd be exhausted, but I'm only tired at the end of the day, and it's a good tired. Mostly I just feel clumsy, and alternately grumpy and easily frustrated, or just slow and time passes quickly. I don't find myself staring off into space or totally unable to concentrate really; I just find myself working on something steadily for three times longer than I think it ought to take. Eh, maybe I'm exaggerating. Anyway, weird things happen when you use up 100% of your food calories, and then 2/3 more beyond that.

The gym is getting back more to normal (though it makes me hungrier than I'd like). Earlier in the game, my heart rate was skyrocketing at nothing on the elliptical, but it's chilling out some. Yay blood! Go body go!

Everyone else is much more upset by my inability to partake in standard birthday fare (junk food) than I am.

Okay, I'm really not allowed to eat breakfast first thing in the morning. It's still two hours until lunch, and I ate breakfast three hours ago.

Today'll teach me to get in at nine... we had a fire alarm at 9:30. If I had strolled in at 10 like usual, I would have missed it entirely.

I need to do laundry, like, a lot. But it is rainy and floody outside, which is intolerable even for the short trip to the laundry room. Bleh, I fucking hate rain. Maybe I'll wait to see if it goes away.

Well shit, that was easy. I got this letter from Sprint in response to my request that they actually give me my damn rebate, and it basically said I didn't qualify because I didn't buy it at a store. So I called just now, and the woman looked at it and said, no that's wrong, it shouldn't matter, and within a few minutes, said that she'd reprocess it and check should come soon and sorry for the error. I hope she's right!

I found that dress I lost. It was, as supected, hiding with the stuff on the floor of my closet, having fallen off a hanger. I should have looked for it yesterday before taking things to the dry cleaners, because it now totally needs dry cleaning.

Laundry was not done. But Jenn visited, and brought me an awesome scarf she made!

Though the temperature was alledgedly 32F outside, I sat on my balcony for roughly ninety minutes. In shorts and a t-shirt with the sleeves rolled up. It turns out that when the sun shines on my balcony all morning, it heats of the exterior wall of the house, the floor of the balcony, and me when I'm sitting out there, making the teperature feel like roughly 70 degrees. People were walking by on the street in coats and hats, and I was dressed for summer up on my sunny balcony, grabbing a small tan and wearing sunglasses.

Lentil soup is way better heated up.