Women won, men lost, I froze my ass off hanging around Bright with the instruments between games. Didn't think about that little issue of it being cold and me sitting there. But I got to play cymbal and stick today, which is one step from learning snare. :-)

After was people being lame and going home due to tiredness and work. On a Saturday night on a long weekend. Don't let anyone tell you Harvard students are cool and fun CUZ THEY REALLY BLOW. I got my UHF fix, and then J. Daddy Weisse and Drinky Drink Hetrick played 3-man with me, with Schnei and Drill joining late. Yay Drill for shlepping away the rest of the beer since I was too retarded and useless to deal with it.

Beep!

Anyway... I wish I could be undistracted, for all reasons, namely 1) appropriate people being around to properly hold my attention; 2) me not being dumb; 3) others not being so interesting. Cuz that would make more sense. But I guess I'm not so much 2, for reasons I like to ascribe to personal fortitude. I gotta lotta fortitude and integrity if you really want to get into it. I'm more like the thought pollice on my own sorry self, but that's all right in the balance.

Ah, sigh... I'm just trying not to miss, is my deal.

Slept in late today, chilled around the house, headed out to try to find a cheap backpack. Failing at that (shoulda just gone to the mall), I went to the square. Walked around with Matty, dinner in Eliot, then watched TV and then movie in the BR. Now home, to sleep.

I wish I were still in college and not working so I didn't have to go home and sleep so I can function in the morning. I'd much rather not have to worry about it and have fun instead.

*sigh* But, yeah. :-)

Another gorgeous night, though this one was recently-rained and blustery on top of warm, making for a cool walk home. Lacking certain elements, though...

Holy shit, it's 61 degrees out! As of 3 am!

I love it when I can take the blame for great things. :-)

Relatedly, I wish I could shake some people out of their irrational thinking. Though it does make me feel exceptionally sane in comparison.

Went to the Cube tonight, where Kinnebrew made an absolutely outstanding feast. Two nights in a row of amazing T-day food. And complete fullness for hours on end.

Though it did cause me to miss Tuba Band, five tubas and a cowbell. I'm glad the AD and the coach liked it; maybe now they can tell that bitch in marketing to back the fuck off.

Later today (after the sleeping and the waking up again), there will be two hockey games! And then I hope people will watch UHF and play 3-man with me.

In other news, I feel like I'm figuring things out.

Oh man, Courtney and Ami made such an amazing T-day dinner. I'm still full! And it was fun to hang out all day with cool kids.

So I guess I should get toward work, so Holly and I can go off to eat lunch and shop. :-) Then I'll have to get back to work and actually do some shit, and maybe hit the gym, before more food.

Aw, Holly bailed on me, but she did sound awfully tired in her voiemail message. No matter, that'll give me more time to go to the gym. When I got here this morning, just as I'd got settled, the fire alarm went off. Poo. Heather and I went and got lunch.

She also had really smart, though completely shoulda-been-obvious advice.

Fuck the gym, it's time for a congress.

Immediately before I got sidetracked by more concrete things, I was in the process of contemplating a much more elusive dynamic... but the party in question is tough to read. I only get vibes, little glances, scraps of comments. I feel like I had a lot more to go on, but like a dream that disappears in the face of the waking day, this little shard of time has vanished from my mind in the face of more solid realities. And yet oddly it plays a role, it's something I'm watching from the corner of my eye.

Last night was hockey, and we beat BU! Finally! Hasn't happened at Bright since 1982! It was a fun game, and the new kids (Sixth new set I've witnessed) looked as gimpy and off as every new crew. :-) After was karaoke fun, and I sang "You Are My Sunshine," which I didn't know is actually a really sad song. But people liked it. Since Danny's car is wicked dead forever (engine... would cost way more to fix than they paid for the car), and besides he wasn't even there by the end, I actually took the bus home for once.

I remembered that I had a really sweet Onion horoscope a few weeks ago, which I incidentally put in my plan file! It was, "You've always had trouble controlling your base impulses, but they do lead you to have fun and experience cool things." Hah, so true. ;-)

For a pittance more each month, I have made it such that all interested parties can call Amber or I anytime after 7 pm in our respective time zones without fear of slurping up our daytime minutes! Of course, we're stuck with Sprint until Nov 2005, but I think we'll survive.

If my mood swings I feel more like, "How will anything work out?! Every path is flawed!"

I just can't figure out what I think I want and what I really want, and if there's a difference. Then again... god, sometimes you know I think I'm trying to hit the end all and be all of my existence now now now. But there's plenty of good in the moment, and if you leap forward and fail, so what? I haven't been killed by really horrible interpersonal relations, this is all so win-win in comparison that I don't understand why there's any anxiety at all. Why not make the leap? Why the hell not?

Hee, I love drunken phone calls when I'm half asleep. I think it's actually the only good use for the phone, to tell the truth.

It's all gonna work out great, no matter what.

When I break down all the explanations from before, I think the underlying theme is just that everything lost its fun. Fun and drama and emotions drained out too quickly into something Known: security, comfort, aching dullness. Hell, anxiety. Anxiety is derived from perfectly good survival-enhacing feelings but it dissociates into a generalized bleh that is unproductive. Fun and drama are productive. They kick you in the ass. Anxiety leaves you paralyzed. So, the goal becomes to keep it light no matter what -- there's too much seriousness in all our lives to drown our feelings in it also.

I was commenting elsewhere that Brett told me that people are generally pretty good in general, and they'll do you right. He really has a point, and this is something I've had to relearn in the last year after all the mess before. The people I know now are good folks, and things more often work out with them than not.

I slept for about 10 uninterrupted hours last night. It was great!

Not that not sleeping doesn't have some qualities of its own.

Everything seems more possible today.

So, trip. Start with Thursday night, since that's where I left off. We all went out to Chuck's and then invaded the BR to make the kids think we were old Eli trying to piss on the radiator again. I don't think it was very useful, which made me surly, but it was pretty great that we got Daub to come with us, and he paraded around in his underpants for a while. Terrifying. Then the kids played psychiatrist, which we thought would be amusing to watch for a few minutes... false. The deal with that game is it can turn out evil and you can't even blame anyone for it.

Anyhoo, went home, and then back to the square the next morning. Loaded up the buses, and then off we went! The bus was really fun, we sang and drank, and then the bus broke down. We played "Drink Raunch Bus," in which we took a drink every time the bus driver started the bus and it failed to stay started, and chugged every time we actually moved forward, which wasn't much. It was about an hour before a new bus arrived, but we sang and talked and it was fun.

We got to HCNY, and unloaded, and then Courtney, Mike and I went out to dinner at Applebee's, abandoning the still-hungry kids who had to immediately get ready for the concert. Muahaha, rules to be crusty. Food was good, though expensive, of course, being New York City. We got back, heard the kids on the street, and ran out to discover they were gigging the bar across the street. That was wicked cool. Then folks ran off to eat, and old Barnhorst showed up with a handle of Jameson that for once in my life held no interest for me.

Back out into the city with Matty. I have to talk about the Howard Johnson lounge we stumbled upon after walking aimlessly unable to find a bar. It was like something out of the 1950's, all orangey and vinyl and big signs that said "Cocktails" all over the place. Waiters all dressed up in tuxedo shirts and bow ties. It was great. Despite the kooky corniness of the place, they had good sangria. And it was a nice place to chill.

It was a great evening. If I don't know a lot of things right now, I do know that I had a fun and delightful time, and it will go down as maybe the best evening on a road trip ever.

Wonderful night went sleeplessly into morning of giant giant big flaming stupid idiocy on the part of my big fat mouth. What can I say, tired plus rapidly more confused plus possession of a really great tale leads to total inability to just shut up already. That, and I'm a terrible, terrible liar, and people pry pry pry until they can read everything they need from your face. And I need advice constantly, what can I say?

The bus ride to yale was also sleepless, talking to Courtney. When we got there I grabbed a blanket and parked myself in the stands, trying to stave off the chilly wind, which my body would do nothing to work against, and drifting in and out of sleep. I gave up and decided not to be dumb and ran around for a while.

Gametime. We won! It was glorious! Halftime was pretty fun, as much as I could tell through the stupid viewfinder of the camera while also trying to take still shots of the formations (wish we'd had enough people to separate those jobs). The switchover was sticky and wet as always. Justin came by to say hi, which was great! Lots of old people showed up after the tailgate to watch the end. After the game, I danced and sang on the field (appearing multiple times on the radio? Some old guy with a mike kept shoving it in my face as I was singing), and then we sang Fair Harvard, and though it didn't make me cry my senior year because I was drunk and totally elated about our undefeated season, it made me cry this year because it was the end of an amazing weekend, the end of probably the last season I'll spend with the Band, and those wonderful kids, they're too young to be in charge! But they are really great, and soon enough they won't look so funny standing in front of the Band telling everyone what's up.

So there were joyful tears, and then off to the buses, where I promptly slept for 1.5 hours until we hit a rest stop. Actually, I woke up before that, with Chris leaning over the chair back singing songs that made absolutely no sense whatsoever. His goal was to emulate me from two years prior, loud and trashed, and he pretty well succeeded. This is what happens when you fall asleep on the return Raunch Bus: everyone is normal when you fall asleep, and completely retarded when you wake up.

I moped at the rest stop, still groggy and increasingly feeling like everything in the world was beyond my control, including myself. Back on the bus the loud people finally set me off, and the desire to cry was fulfilled, and I took refuge next to Clark. He's good at putting things into perspective and assuaging fears and having a good sense of humor about things. So by the time we got back to Cambridge, I felt okay.

Showered and crashed in the K-hole (thanks Brett!), then it was off to the party despite feeling really seriously a lot more like sleeping. Many losers, I mean, lovely people, did decide to sleep instead of party, so it was smallish, but fun, and the new Schneider and Weisse are a fab crew. In my admirable invincibility, I managed to do many shots (interspersed entirely with caffeine for wakeness and ginger ale for stomach rumbles), and dance like a fiend. At least until damn Jerry decided tequila was the shot of the moment, which ended the dancing for good.

But that was okay. Everything was okay after that.

And no matter what happens and where things go, they will be okay. I don't feel a sense of urgency to resolve everything right away. I don't feel like there are any really bad outcomes, so long as everyone is on the same page.

For now, life is too busy with other things, so I'll chill.

I archived the back page just now (and then promptly set everything to be unavailable publicly... why invite disaster, foolish girl?), and this has clearly been on my mind more often than I cared to admit.

You know, one thing about me is that I think I'm pretty low maintenance. Okay, I'm not high maintenance. I can be demanding about some stuff, but I'm also pretty independent, and I don't need tons of attention. Well, not from any one person, I guess.

This weekend: Unexpected!

I was sitting in the Harvard Club, charging my phone and waiting for it to ring, writing about something that was miffing me. I was trying to convince myself it was trivial and not worth getting worked up over (which, in retrospect, it became clear just how much I didn't really care in comparison to greater things), but I wrote about the danger of the road trip. As a crusty I can come play with the Band, and if it gets to be too much, I can just go home and forget it. But on the road trip, it's like being back in college: the Band is the whole social world, and you can't just leave it and go home, you have to stick with it for a couple of days. Trivialities become totally consuming. Emotions ride high.

Which is a solid observation, but I'll add that even back in Cambridge, I find I can't just come home and leave it all behind, not when we get down to the individual level. I can get away from the entity, but a person is not a plaything to forget about and not feel anything about. And so I sit around thinking.

We're pragmatic, which means these sorts of issues are torture because practical thinking really gets you nowhere because it requires forecasting and analysis that just can't be done when you're personally involved. You're better off guessing the weather than the course of your emotions. Looking backwards, things must have happened for a reason, we're sensible people, we wouldn't just act without reasons, good solid smart-people reasons. But I'm having a hard time remembering why they were such important reasons, but maybe I'm just being myopic. And what about now, what about the obstacles now, the new obstacles, and time and distance, and all those other interesting folks circling the horizon that you'd have to forego if you plunge into something. Sure, it's nice to know those secret thoughts I entertained here and there weren't so dumb (or maybe I just wasn't alone in being dumb, I guess that's the issue), but so what, not being alone in my thoughts doesn't make me right in my thoughts. Shared dumb ideas are still dumb. But it's dumber to exclude the possibility of something based on possibly-incorrect assumptions about what might happen.

What will happen? I guess what I'm saying is I don't know, but I feel not so bad in not knowing because I'm not alone. But I do feel bad in that I can't be guaranteed that any solution will be right. I guess that's life, you decide on a course of action and you stumble and maybe it's wrong and you try something else.

It's just hard catching up with events because I'm just really blindsided by them. It was to be a frivolous weekend, full of those silly concerns I started out with, things that go nowhere and thoughts that have no real bearing on people. But... now I wouldn't have it that way, though this is difficult, it's difficulty worth having.

Worth... what do you do with someone you care about? The fact that you care about them is inarguable, but the outcome that should come of that is questionable.

And what of motivations? Boredom, force of habit, convenience? That doesn't seem right, but maybe the feeling that something more is going on is just a nice thing our brain does for us to feel less like a callous animal. The brain is an awfully good friend that way, but it's an awfully awful friend in that it will let you wear some ridiculous thing that makes you look not only fat but also makes you look pale or green, all the while saying you look fab and aren't you glad you're a great person? But what if there really is something and you discount it due to fear and failure to face things that can be worked out? Maybe all those "practical" concerns are just a nice way to avoid dealing with anxieties and insecurities, another trick of the brain. Maybe they're just a way to avoid getting hurt.

But if don't give yourself the chance to be hurt, you also exclude the chance to really experience something meaningful.

Then again, it's stupid to walk into harm's way if it can be avoided. But, how do you know?

I don't know! That's my problem!

But, at least I don't feel so alone in this problem. Now for figuring out one solution.

Sorry that probably none of this is coherent to anyone. I'll get to talking about the actual weekend maybe tomorrow. Of course leaving out anything of relevance. :-)

It'll be another short week this week. I think I might go in Friday, but we'll see. It will be an odd week, I think, but maybe something useful will come out of it.

Last working day of the week! Woo! I think I should always only work four days a week.

Yesterday I went to the gym finally, and it made my headache go away! Ah, sweet exercise.

After work was a lovely dinner party at Summer St. Jon made delightful soup and tasty lasagna, and there was antipasti and wine and port wine and ice cream and good peeps to hang out with.

I can't figure out what to do about this evening. I've been assigned to a task that falls smack in the middle of when I'd like to be sleeping, in my bed at home. And then I'll probably have to go to the square early in the evening anyway to deliver some prop materials, unless they find another solution, so I'm almost inclined then to stick around anyway and find somewhere to crash. Very annoying. Maybe I shouldn't have volunteered for either of these things, so I could do what I want, which is to go home, pack, and crash out for 12 hours before this trip.

But I am excited about this weekend. The bus should be fun, I think Court and I will do our own thing (drink) when we hit NYC until the kids are done doing their thing (evil concert), fun with kids, sleep on happy air matress, shower in happy HCNY shower, too fucking early bus ride to yale, too fucking early field rehearsal (as in, my naptime), tailgate (I hope), game (victory, I hope), raunch back! And then maybe out to dinner and the party! (Maybe a shower somewhere in there would be good... I'll have all the supplies thanks to the road trip, so I can stay in the square and be lazy). I'll probably be hung over and drunk three or four times in that time period.

This is why I need to sleep tonight.

The one advantage to grad school is I won't be sucked into things I don't really want to do. If I leave town, that is.

Bleh, I want to be asleep.

I'm getting distracted by the things I don't want to do. I need to focus on the things I want to do, that I'm excited about. It's difficult when I'm tired (and I see far too little sleep in my future).

I didn't come here to bitch, I came to write about love, but now I find it's more complicated than I thought.

Karaoke was fun, and I was glad Matty came before his life is swallowed by Band! Not that he won't have some time to come later on, because he has a good ss. :-) I didn't bother to submit a song tonight, but one I want to sing is on the list! Yay!

I am a bit tipsy.

Jerry wrote "Pen 15" on my hand, which is really supposed to mean PENIS, but then the guy who stamped the giant Charlie's stamp felt it necessary to avoid stamping over it. So I have both the weirdly phallic Chuck's stamp and the remnants of Pen 15.

I can't wait for this crazy road trip.

I won't have been to the gym in a week when I go tomorrow, which makes me sad, but today I really need to leave early so I can get my laundry done before I gotta get to the square to watch 24.

I made phone calls today! I am so great! Yay me for doing my job for once!

I lost my hat on the bus this morning, but I saved it on the return trip! Delivering packets to the hospital in the meantime. But I really would have cried if I'd lost my hat forever... I need it to keep my head warm and my flask hidden!

While I'm waiting for my laundry to dry, I'm starting to balance my accounts in Quicken. Haven't done it for 6 weeks. This isn't so bad since my accounts are all online and it's just a matter of figuring out categories and stacking receipts and things... but some of you may know that I also balance my "petty cash." Yeah, my wallet. I haven't even gotten there yet, but I think there's going to end up being a lot of unnaccounted spending... beh, my anal retentiveness is now killing me!

I think my addiction to coffee is returning. It doesn't make me feel ill anymore.

It does make me feel WHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a shitload of little things this week. Today, I'm going to a meeting for the marathon team, out of sick interest in whether I could actually do such a thing (in many, many more hours than most folks, I'm sure). Meeting after that, then to the square to chat up some folks. Tomorrow I really need to do laundry before Kiefer and karaoke, but I also want to go to the gym so I dunno if I can leave work early. Wednesday is our usual morning meeting, followed (but unfortunately not immediately, but with a worthless hour in between) by a lunch workshop on how to get your life organized (which clearly I need... anyone seen my laundry pile?), and then after work there's a dinner party. And then Thursday I'll be scrambling to get everything done that I can't do Friday for I will be off to New York!

In other words, craziness never ends.

Doesn't help that I spent yesterday in the BR helping with a mailing, because I was too lazy to do laundry and catch up my horrifically behind Quicken accounts. It's seriously a disaster, only demotivating me further to fix it. I'm just going to have to do what I can and gloss over the rest.

Also, I thought about doing my laundry last night after I got home, but I'm glad I didn't, because the power went out. It was really dark. I managed to find the candle in the bathroom, which helped me find the flashlight which had been hanging on one of the doorknobs in the hallway just for this purpose, but which had been moved to the inside of the closet in order to maximally annoy me. But it came back on within about an hour, and I talked to J in that time, and he might be up at the Game.

So, marathon meeting has me thinking I could maybe do one some day, but not this year. Maybe never, I dunno. That fat nerve in my foot makes me think I'd die if I ever tried to run that much, but maybe if I worked up to it, I could do it. The real kicker, though: long weekend runs start Dec 13, run through the coldest part of the year, AND START AT 8 AM!! Hey, the marathon starts at noon, shouldn't we run then?

Also, since when do I run?

Yesterday ws busy as planned. Started tailgating around 11:30, with tasty beer, tostitos and cheese dip, and grilled meats. Then to the game, where we were losing, watched the halftime show, then helped my young prop crew men tie things down, wandered to D's car to get my backpack, then back to the game which we had a chance to tie in the closing moments, but we couldn't quite pull it off. But I expected a massacre, so it was pleasant to even be in the game at the end. Sang, ran up to Shay's for a quick beer to hail the Band, dinner at Uno's, off to hockey. We beat old eli 4-1, and the awful wind from earlier in the day had died down.

Back at the BR, helped set up for the party, put on my little blue dress, and boogied down. The problem with these long days is I just sorta continuously drink all day without ever getting really drunk. I'm actually tipsier after those first two beers than I am the rest of the day. Dancing is good for this because I do something else for a while. I was the first and last dancing, and finally I walked Lee home so he would stop sleeping on the couch, but the messiness and lack of tp in the bathroom prevented me from crashing there. :-) Tsk tsk, whichever of Lee's roommates peed on the seat! So I taxied home, and slept.

Sleep is never enough after Saturday. I need to do laundry, but I don't wanna again.

Wind is seriously my least favorite thing ever. It's been horrifically windy the past couple days and looks to stay that way through tomorrow. Man, if it's windy *and* we get thumped, I'm going to have to drink a lot of beer.

If there is beer... I though we were going grocery shopping, but no word from our section leader. I thought of going to the Belltower for the party, but it's wicked awful cold out, and the damn thing has to end at 1 anyway since it's a room party, and sleep is good. I took a nap, but I had to get up wicked early today for this retreat thing at work, so I will probably be tired again soon.

That and my fucken leg hurts! I stretched when I woke up from my nap, and if I stretch my leg too exuberantly, it sometimes threatens to cramp so I stop, but it just went ahead and cramped up this time. Ow ow ow. Stupid leg.

So, tomorrow should be fun. Tailgate, football, more tailgate or dinner in the Square, hockey, party... which is a semi-formal! I will be forced to wear my sexy little blue spring outdoor cocktail party dress, which I hope won't be too wrinkled from living in my bag all day.

1) When will people stop talking like their flash of time in the Band represents some vast portion of the institution's history. I'm going on 6 years around this place, I collect history like a fiend (second only to our sexy historian), and yet you don't see me going around like I know everything about the way things *used* to be, because most of that is bullshit.

2) Why is it that some people have this misguided sense of entitlement? Some study came out not long ago observing that people who were the least competent were also the least likely to recognize their incompetence. People who can do things well understand their shortcomings; people with massive gaping neon-sign-flashing flaws go about thinking they're great and should be handed the world. Seriously.

3) You love me, you say, but you treat me like crap and say horrible things to me all the time! That's what we call abuse. We've been abused before, and it was bad, so don't be surprised if we turn you away at the door for demonstrating the same behavior.

In other news, my applications are well underway!

I also feel sleepy... I should go home and stop playing on the internet.

I got to sing at karaoke finally! INXS's "Need You Tonight." It's totally fucked up singing, though, because I could hear myself in the speaker behind my head, but not really while I was singing, creating this awful dissociation. But it was still fun!

Also, how do the crude things I say get around! Maybe because I say them to so many people!

But just imagine the things that don't make it out of my brain. Or even the things that only make it onto the unknown page.

I love being old and knowledgeable. It's truly a pleasure to have things to contribute that I know are good!

And I think I am getting a cold, fuckitall. My nose is runny.

I appear to have a slight cold, but nothing preventing me from doing stuff. And also an occasional weird malaise across the midsection that I can't tell whether it's lungy or just gas of some kind. Or kidneys, though it seems high up. But it goes away.

Why does the hallway smell like a barn? Not a bad smell, just kinda like farm animals and such.

All right, waiting is over except that one little detail, and I'm not that concerned about it. Phew!

Aw, my poor babies who didn't make it, I love you all and it hurts that you couldn't all be on and be happy. But you all did a really magnificent job with your auditions, and you should be proud of yourselves. And I look forward to you all finding your own important role in the next year, I hope these great auditions are just the preview of the amazing things you can share. You have shown a graciousness and solidarity that astonishes me. I love you, and I'm here for you.

And to my dears who now have a year of hard work ahead of them, congratulations, and good luck (you'll need it)! I have more advice than you want; feel free to seek as much of it as you desire. I will always help you however I can.

Final mystery solved! I knew there was a reason my brain wouldn't let me sleep anymore around 7:15.

Here's another mystery! Will I survive work on five hours sleep? Can I possibly make karaoke? Only time will tell! Speaking of time, beautiful 24 tonight!

Must... go... to... gym... Even though I feel like I'm getting a cold and I should not be leaving so early! But I want free drill dinner!

So I ended up being stubborn against the cold and went out to the drill meeting last night. It actually wasn't that cold cuz the wind stopped. See, wind causes the world's evils. People were just coming back from the world's most disgusting eating competition, crab rangoon at the Kong. Emily ate 32, Sam ate 31, Danny ate 30, and Jamie ate a mere 18, but I guess after the loaf of bread and four plates of brunch, she was pretty stuffed up. Sam calculated that he ate 12,183 calories, though I can't fathom how there are 393 calories in each rangoon. I ate two and now I feel ill! Anyway, it's That Time of Year, so no one could focus during the meeting at all. But video was great! JTodd is one of the creative geniuses of our time.

Then home where I should have gone to bed right away, but that's okay. I got more sleep than some people...

Guuuuuhhhh. Why you smell so good, why you look so fine?

Man, this waiting sucks! I should just go to bed and email people tomorrow.

Thursday night there was rehearsal, which was fun but totally unclarifying. Actively unclarifying. I'm glad I don't have to decide these things! Anyway, so Friday everyone went off to NYC, so I mentioned I had nothing to do to my coworker, and she suggested I come see Lost in Translation with her. Awesome, I've been wanting to see it! So worth it... this movie is truly wonderful. Just astonishingly geniune and real and beautiful.

Yesterday I got up at 1 for no good reason other than I could. Pure laziness. I went to the gym, dropped into the office and did some brainless work while listening to the end of the hideous Harvard-Columbia debacle. Fuckety fuck is all I have to say about losing to two of the worst teams in the Ivy League. Finished up work, returned home, had dinner, finished my lengthy evals, and then set out on the town after a bit of Rumply. Went to the liquor store for a little sumpin to keep me rocking through the essays, and also Jameson that I didn't intend to break into but these things happen when folks are thirsty, and some handles for the Schnid. The kids got back not too long after I got to the Square, thank goodness, cuz it was cold and the handles were heavy, so Clark and I went and got pizza and chatted a while. I'm continually impressed by how much he's grown up in the past year. He's really developed a mature perspective on things.

So then it was off to the party, eons of Drum Major auditions, though they were funny and good in general. The punch still didn't come close to the delightful atrocity that was Punch 1999 (floating margarine? Borscht? A slice of Tommy's?), but in a truly amazing feat, a tiny frosh girl downed her cup in no time. It was a night of truly amazing eating feats, up there with Jamie eating an entire loaf of Wonder Bread for her Drum Major essay. By the time all that was done, it was like 1 am, so time to start partying! I danced and danced while all the kids got tired, seeing as they had very little sleep, sat out in the cold all day, and then had to spend hours on a bus, and I did jack shit all day.

Eventually things dwindled, so I crashed in the K-hole again with Lee on the futon. But I promise no corruption was done. :-) Got up late again, went to brunch (meals on Harvard are the tastiest), went to the BR to fail at finding my glove and to retrieve my Jameson, then home. Home home, and I think here I shall stay for it is cold.

I'm glad I don't have to do this deciding that these kids have to do.

Gah, my poor baby, he deserves to be happy, and it makes me sad if things don't work out.

Questions: 1) Why am I tired? 2) Why can't I get motivated to do work? I just can't focus on the simplest things. I feel like I've been this way for a while now. Maybe since I stopped drinking coffee...

I think I'm going to run away to Starbucks and read.

After work and gym, off to the square, for two hours of Kiefer, and then karaoke. I still didn't get to sing this week! But it was fun.

There's something of those exciting spring days still in the airwaves.

I had a Seinfeldian moment today. I left my lock in the locker room last Friday, and didn't notice it until yesterday when my lock was not in my bag. So I go to the front desk and look through the giant bucket o' locks, and I don't find mine, but I find one with the combo still adhered to the back. Score, free lock! So today I go to use that one, but I can't get it open. Poo! I put it up on top of the lockers. But then I think to take a step back see if there are any other locks up there. There is one. I close it, try my combo, and tada! It's my lock! Score, I got my lock back!

I'm a loser... I can't wait until tomorrow's rehearsal so I can see the candidates. I need a life.

FUCKING FUCK! I hate these people sometimes. I was planning to go to the gym between meetings, because when we originally scheduled them, they were supposed to start at 4:30. Then today I find out this one starts at 4, giving me not enough time to go to the fucking gym between meetings, so now I have to wait until AFTER FUCKING WORK WHEN IT'S FUCKING CROWDED! WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO CHANGE THE GODDAMN MEETING TIMES I HAVE PLANS!!!!! $%*#&#%^@###!

Let's see. Friday. Luncheon went well, food was yummy. Concert was fun and there were hot boys in tuxes. I stayed in the BR until 3 am just goofing off. Saturday. Got to the field almost noon. Halftime was good, but the game was not... $%#@&%! is all I have to say about it. Helped carry satan prop back to BR, grabbed dinner, back across the river for hockey, which we also lost! But it was fun and the hard cores who made it were cool. Helped decorate for the party, while Jer threw a hackey sack at my ass repeatedly and I had him executed. Rather, I shrieked and chased him around.

For the party I had some clothes but couldn't figure out who I represented, until I realized they made me look like a really old man, hence, I was the Band Foundation. I was old but skeezy, hitting on all the "ladies." Lee wore my Monopoly dress, which made his booty look huge. The evening was massive craziness, and I opted to crash in Lee's bed while Jamie crashed in Brett's, and Lee slept on the futon after tooling around with CS more.

This morning, I got up, hung out with Lee, Jamie, and Jamie's mom before the long haul to S-ville. I napped for several hours after a shower, then headed back to H-vard for the drill dinner at Mather. It was a great meeting that managed to combine the three seemingly disparate shows. Back at the BR, video, Simpsons, talked to Daddy, then chatted with Chris awhile.

Now I should go to bed. Urgh, too much to do this afternoon to go to the gym... but I still have a meeting, so I will go after work, I hope missing the rush.

I finally bit the bullet and bought a one-way ticket back from ABQ after X-mas. I never had any one way to break the cycle since the start of college, but it's gotten to the point now where I'm not sure where I'll be as of summer time even, so it's just not reasonable to do a round trip. But damn, one-way tickets are almost as much as regular ones!

Well, I was going to go to the gym, except I DIDN'T BRING ANY CLOTHES. Genius. Maybe I'll stick around and try to work on my apps.

Or not.

I should go home and do laundry. Or, I should find cool kids to hang out with. But kids are very busy this time of year, which is not conducive to the sort of lengthy goofing off I have time for.

Also, I have envy. I mean, I'm glad, but, I want my own.

I also won't deny a bitty bit of possessiveness, but I've always felt that way about all my boys. :-)