{5,4}
It's Y and then Z. X is the page itself.

Day one of shopping complete. Realized part-way through that I have chosen a Tuesday seminar that conflicts with a possible Tuesday/Thursday class. The world insists upon making all the interesting classes conflict. And there is no way to shop seminars. Stupid, stupid shopping.

Finally, she communicates in a way I understand!

I've been avoiding the place. I know I need to get work done down there, but the thought just chokes me. Not that I don't have other things that need to happen, like the cleaning of this room. Messy room, goddamn messy room.

I don't see how anyone can tell me you have to be stupider to give up money than to give up loyalty and love. I think you have to be pretty fucking stupid to abuse, disrepect, and lie to those you claim to love.

{5,3}
I thought wrongly that the problem with remembering This Time Last Year only occurred when things were bad a year ago and the remembering only hampered forward progress. I find myself thinking that I was quite enjoying myself this time last year, but I probably won't be enjoying myself very much for a long while yet.

But then again, maybe I'm missing all the wrong things.

When I was making myself look, I saw a sad hypocrite, criticizing in other people the things he does himself, the things I hate most, the things that send me to madness. The Pep Talk: You can't do anything about it, just see it as sad and pathetic and find some way to amuse yourself. Some people create a wasteland around them, but when it seems far away to the oasis, it seems easier to stay with what you know. Step out. Pack up and walk away.

I had killed off the madness before. I'll kill it off again.

Why am I having so much trouble with the calendar this month. I'm trying to kill off January several days early.

{5,2}
Today I probably won't do very much. I let myself sleep as late as possible, to ward off a cold (successfully, I think) and to catch up from my "vacation." Morgan helped me to some crucial conclusions early in the ski trip, and in considering those ideas as well as in pondering whether to write a thesis, I've realized that I'm fast approaching a major crossroads in my life. I'll probably just sit around somewhere and think for a while...

{4,4}
Dear Asshole,
Under no uncertain terms are you to speak to her, see her, or even breathe the same air as her ever, ever again. I almost killed you with several screwdrivers tonight, and if I ever see you again, you may very well find yourself lacking genitalia after the encounter. Please find the highest window in your building and jump.
Hate,
A

As Pro aptly put it, "this week is about varying shades of excrement hitting the air-conditioning with greater & greater rapidity" (although if I think too much about what varying shades of excrement means, I get grossed out). Yesterday was full of minor and major crises, and not all the crises even came to fruition. That's most likely the job of the ski trip: Quebec is full of nightmares waiting to happen. Or maybe it will just be a lot of fun. But I'm always looking out for the worst.

{4,3}
It's like a mirror. Funny how some people switch places over time, and other people never move. I'm one that doesn't seem to have moved, and in this case, I'm not exactly sad about it.

Last year it was about renewal and realizing that no matter what happened, it would be me in the end. Tonight will be about keeping my head up and my hopes in check. I had so much optimism then... the outlook is more tenuous these days.

{4,2}
Oh, I hate studying. But soon it will be over.

Sleep, sleep my sweet... if I could gather you up, I would, I'd take you into dreams and breathe the evil out of you so you could laugh and shake your head at me.

Physics works fine if you don't suck. :p I got beautiful results for every physics lab ever. Biology on the other hand... once all of us got glass beads to respirate more than peas. That was pretty poor. But physics... dude, it's just swinging pendulums and rolling balls and dropping shit and shooting projectiles. Maybe you get to hard core stuff like making little circuits later. It's like playing with toys. How can it be so bad?

I don't know what's up with the asocial shit lately, but I find it really frustrating. As in, it puts me a really terrible mood. Maybe because it just hearkens back to worse days when it was the norm. At any rate, I wish I knew what was going on and if I have anything to do with it.

{4,1}
Almost put into a total funk tonight by someone's stupid words. Go ahead and criticize me for copying... when you're such a fucking moron you can't even make a coherent argument against me while sober. I shouldn't let petty assholes put me in a rage. I should preserve my rage for important people, my darlings who I fight but love, fighting that puts me to distress because I adore so much. I don't even know what to do with myself when I'm half awake and half mumbling through some chant... I'll tuck myself next to the comforter and pretend. How can I sleep, how can I dream?

I'm scared to call... I have nothing crucial to say, but I just want to talk, just want to babble on. But I've been told now how annoying it is for me to call... now I cannot trust that I am loved anymore. You, oh what the hell does that mean?

{3,5}
Cash singing "Rusty Cage" still makes me laugh. I'm burnin' diesel fuel, burnin' dinosaur bones.

Yeah, so over break I had a dream that some weirdo terrorist was bombing random buildings at Harvard when we were all on break, and then I woke up the next morning to hear about the Wakefield shootings, in the Harvard Mills building. Thought that was weird. Today some wacko busted into the Alexander the Great exam with a backpack that he claimed was a bomb, saying he was waging war against the United States. Nothing happened except evacuation, but wow.

Motivation... who wants to bring me some?

B+ in the class I hated! And immediate gratification! Yeah!
Only thing that sucks is that ICQ history randomly deletes things, namely the reasons I started reading the whole damn thing in the first place. Delete my escapades! Take away my memories, you stupid green flower!

{3,4}
Insomnia, sleeping too much, loss of appetite, overeating, substance abuse, irritability, apathy, lethargy, who the fuck cares?
No one ever talks about the deadness
no one describes bouncing around
and then staring into the corner, into the darkness

Today was fine. My exam went really well, and I saw both Army of Darkness and Traffic. Insanely funny and the latter just insane.

When the weekend caught up, when days sleeping and nights trying to sleep hit, and the caffeine wore on. The buzzing bee buzing near the ear and finally relenting. I saw an apple core in the corner. And then there was my hand lifted, and I believed for the first time in days that maybe I hadn't passed from the old world into a new hell.

Now I run to sleep, wait for the awkward but necessary breath.

Got up at 2:30 after going to bed at three. I am motivationless between exams. I am the prophetess, I came across a document from after this time freshman year, and it told then of fears to which I should have listened. What's the harm of letting someone new into your life? The harming of your life. What the trouble with trusting someone new? Losing trust for everyone, and being forced to hold onto that faulty trust for it is all you have. We believe to survive, lie so we can breathe. Beliefs and lies can carry us for years.

Heart breaking stopped, and now I can see without the clouds. I have learned that deliberation can get you better results more quickly, snapping into action can be snapping that action apart. We didn't strike to the heart of the matter; I think it was understood that everything is understood. I'm able to take deep breaths again, no longer the shallow, stomach-aching swallows of drowning.

Temptation Island: an exhibit of stereotypical gender roles. Men talking about how hot their dates were. One woman commenting how pleased she was that her date bought her wine instead of letting her pay for it, because her boyfriend is not as economically well off. Thank you maximized reproductive success for providing a solid foundation for modern society. Do you know your place in natural selection, kiddies?

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