{5,1}
Too much to do!

Yesterday's game went very well, although I'm still waiting to see if there is any backlash from our show... although that dirty ol' man Marlowe sure enjoyed Natalie jumping out of a cake and dancing around on the field in not so much of a sheep costume. I was happy that John turned the loudspeaker up... it helped a lot.

And now we're heavy into auditions territory. In a week all the data will be in! Yikes! I'm feeling quacktastic.

I didn't get to much enjoy the party last night, except as background noise. I had to sign all ~3400 Fall Patron Appeal letters, which took a few hours, one of which I got back thanks to the time change. But it was okay because Chris was dressed as me and bitching at Nate who was dressed as Matt, and Matty K who was dressed as Nate, and JPM whi was dressed as himself. Jenn was dressed as Talya, and fell asleep in the music shelves where Talya has been parking herself lately. All of it was highly amusing.

{4,6}
A temperamental host.

I have become someone who is picky about sleep. Some people can sleep anywhere... I need space and a bunch of blankets. I think I'm really just going to have to own a king-sized bed someday, if I ever intend to have to share it.

I do what I want. Don't take it personally.

22 days, and I will finally have no more obligations with respect to the damn Band.

{4,5}
Dear Thursday,
Fuck off, I'm not ready for you yet!
Love, A.

HATE!

In the interest of fairness, I must now say that the opponents of the Living Wage are also stupid assholes, ie, objectivists. Just because only 1/3 of students supported the sit-in does not indicate massive objection to the living wage itself. It might, but it does not follow. Stupid logic.

{4,3}
I love grossing out JPM. It's a personal triumph whenever I can do it.

So, Max emailed the ss to tell us that someone she knows on the basketball team expressed her extreme anger about the stupid column, and related that some football players she knows feel the same way. Yay! I hope the damn Crimson prints letters to the editor tomorrow, because the first line of the Official one just keeps getting truer and truer.

Funny how I always seem to drive the boy to bed, no matter when I email.

When am I going to give up once and for all?

Maybe when I lose all my reasons not to.

{4,2}
Stupid phone.

And stupid Crimson. There are so many ads in today's edition that there is only one page of op-eds, so no letters.

I intentionally did not respond to what he said, and I tried not to think about it at the time. But today I returned to it suddenly, and I was saddened. To make the effort, to take the time, but to be exiled... I can't fathom the heartache.

Part two: I told a silly story that when I started I immediately wished I could stop, but I had gotten too far. Pride at my crew, pride for us that used to be Us. How we so quickly cohered and came into our own and cut our losses like they were no losses at all. I felt like a crappy friend, I felt guilty. But what can I do about the truth?

Thirteen people, running for an average of two positions each, summing to a total of 1650 possible combinations. Sick! Best Senior Staff race ever!

{4,1}
C. Lorraine was right... it really is better to just have some people out of your life. But how can you say definitely when that is true?
{3,7}
What a turd.

5-0 baby! Today's game was fugly, but at least we won. And while the show wasn't shining, our presence in the stands and the numerous compliments we got today was enough to make me feel like Loserface can shove his opinion.

{3,6}
I would like to reflect for a moment on why I didn't join the newspaper when I came to Harvard: most of the people who work for newspapers are assholes. I am awaiting a response from several of them, in the hopes that Patty is not the only person in charge over there who is not an asshole.

I would have thought I'd had enough by now too.

{3,5}
"Loserface": I remember the kid from two years ago, when he went on the Band ski trip. I don't remember whose friend or acquaintance he was, but I remember when people got back they talked about how icky and annoying he was. "Personal Space Boy" seemed to like to touch everyone and make them feel uncomfortable. I was annoyed with him because while he did pay, he stopped payment on his check (probably because it was going to bounce). I had to deal with his stupid ass to get the payment. Two years after impinging upon our hospitality, he writes a column for Crimson "Sports" about how lame the Band is. And I'm talking the *whole* column is about that. He starts out by mentioning American Pie and band camp, and then saying that personally we're not all big old geeks. But I'd like to remind all of you, this guy *is* that geek.

And I think he's significantly narrowed the field of ideas for the yale t-shirt. Hmmm... should be take the Bulldog angle, or the Eli angle? Hmmmm... hmmm....

Oh, and if today weren't evil enough, fuckhead refuses to email me. Outright fucking refusal. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.

{3,4}
Bleh bleh. Last night was largely unproductive on the homework front, although I did manage to find many many midi files for possible arranging. And then today has been equally unproductive... 2pm, still not dressed yet. Yearg.

Ugh, they're just all insensitive assholes.

{3,3}
**
I know.
I know you're busy.
I know today and this week are extra busy.
I know your lines of communication are mangled.
But I also know where your priorities lie.
And I also know what you're not too busy for.
And I know that that does not include me.
And that makes me so sad.
And I know... what I wish I could ignore.
**

{3,2}
How can I possibly be so tired?

I'm feeling kind of surly. I should sleep.

I experienced this weird thing for about half an hour last night before I feel asleep where my brain was pretty much shut, except that my body felt awake, like I had little itches and whatever. I'm not really sure how to explain such a state, I just know it existed.

I really need to do my reading and not think about how annoyed I am about certain things.

{3,1}
The past two days were awesome! The installation was pretty cool, and it required minimal effort on the Band's part, which rawked. And then the bus ride and the hotel were phatty (minus Nate not leaving me a room key and Dave and Nat fighting briefly, but it worked out), and lots of us hung out in the hotel lounge. The rehearsal and game could have gone a bit better, but the game certainly had its moments, like the trumpet duel with Cornell's low brass which transcended any I've seen, and like beating Cornell's ass on the football field. And the bus ride back was fantastic. I don't think I've had this much fun on a trip since freshman year. Wow! Huh, I wonder what could have made such a big difference?

And on that count, all I have to say is a big pbbt. I'm sure there are satisfactory answers, or at least excuses, for several things, but at this point I'm not sure that I even care.

Flirting is great fun, by the way. Especially when completely harmless.

{2,6}
I should be going to bed now... I've been working like mad on the Knowledge Base stuff the past couple of days. I was hoping to stay up late enough... I'm really worried. Gah.

In other news, the kid did email me last night. He's doing all right, although he's disappointed with the chems.

{2,5}
Hi there, second wind. I didn't really require you tonight.

Hamster! We call her Fatty. That was originally what I was calling the fat hamster at the sketchy pet store (I'm glad Jenn didn't buy anything there... it was gross and dirty), but I think Fatty is a good name for any hamster. I'm not sure if that's the official name, but it's a great nickname for the hamster.

{2,4}
Buzz buzz.

I hate writing papers. I don't know what it is. It's not like I don't have anything to say. I have plenty to say. I just hate sitting down and having to write it.

Paper ended up being not much of a problem, like normal, once I got writing. It's so weird, though, how much faster I can write on paper than on the computer... well, when it's academic work, I should say, as I seem to find it plenty easy to ramble on this page or in email. But man, when I sit there with Word open in front of me it's like my brain screeches to a halt, but put a notepad there instead, and I'm cruising. And then I can type it in and make editions and clean it up, but creation is impossible. Weird.

The kid hasn't logged in since he's been home, so I haven't heard at all how he's doing. I supposed I must have his phone number on file in the BR. I never would have thought I'd care so much. This is why clinical work would make me batty.

Busy busy bee... I hate that. It's weird not seeing each other every day or even every week. It's a little scary. What's weirder is I'm not the busiest one.

{2,3}
I hate suspicion and distrust when it comes out of me.

Students don't hate the PSLM because they completely oppose a living wage, but because the group is full of obnoxious and stupid people. Latest example in today Crimson: the PSLM doesn't understand why their demonstration planned for Friday during the inauguration might be banned. Please tell me these people aren't that stupid. "`I don't know what kind of security concerns they're talking about, or even how much this has to do with security concerns,' McKean said." Give me a break! Here's a group who interrupted campus life for three solid weeks last spring saying, I don't understand why the University is jumping on us for our quiet, peaceful protest (that includes a student band, no less!). Not to mention, have any of you idiots been watching the news? Oh god, why would anyone anywhere be boosting security surrounding big fucking campus events. And even more brilliant: "`I fear that not permitting a peaceful, quiet demonstration to take place may be a sign of things to come from this new administration,' PSLM member Smith wrote in an e-mail." What, like the prevention of idiocy? Holy fucking crap, these people are the antithesis of sensible.

{2,2}
We just listened to the planes.

{2,1}
Ugh, I feel craptastic and tired. I still don't want to be here any more than I did before. What I need is something to do that's relaxing. I'm just restless.

So I came home. Not that I was really tired so much as just out of sorts with the party and all the stupid bullshit that I should let be handled by less cranky people. Maybe I'll just watch TV or something.

The rest of the evening was what I needed. I did watch TV, but in pleasant and previously much-missed company. And then cosily asleep. Comfort and security are fabulous results of friendship.

This shirt I'm wearing smells very nice.

I bought a knight! Lowell House was having a silent auction of all the crap people left in storage, and one of those things was this knight made of some sort of light metal, maybe tin. It rules! Now it is in the extra bedroom.

We met with Tom tonight, and it went very well. I didn't even have to scream at Tom, which was cool.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I met Al Gore at the football game yesterday. Little Albie is on the team (although injured), so pops was watching. he said that the band was "in a word, stunning." Hee. Words only a politician could utter.

{1,7}
Dammit for not going to bed earlier! I wish I could sleep more. Especially since it's going to be ooky today. Damn Nate!

And... although I really would love to stop in on the party tonight, I have this overwhelming urge to have other plans. It's not a desire to be asocial, as it often is, a desire to just stay here and sleep. It's a desire to be hypersocial, to have something else to do. I've been to the end of every party, and don't wanna tonight. The question becomes, how do I get other plans?

The football game was another stellar one, even with the brief rain. It got to be so sunny afterwards, that it didn't matter and we dried off quickly.

Now I'm feeling lazy. I don't want to deal with the party. I will probably help bring stuff down there, but I'd rather just be lazy. Since it doesn't look like other plans are forthcoming.

I settled for mildly snarky.

Ugh, I was trying to take a nap, but it seems the finals club across the street here is having a friggin loud party. But I did manage to sleep enough as to be completely useless helping set up for the party, but it looks like Jenn and Jeanna had enough people to help. It's just so loud in here!

{1,6}
Girls' night was fun. But rar. Raaaaar!

Fucking tease.

{1,5}
Grit teeth. Try to be sympathetic. Grit teeth some more.

Okay, now to try for sleep.

{1,4}
It's good to be old... I've calmed down in so many ways, even since May. I was noting this past week that crisis really just does bounce off at this point, because I'm not wasting my time fretting, I'm just handling shit as it comes along, in the cool and collected way I've always wanted to deal with things.

But a chunk of me is sad about some things that have changed. We haven't solved the thing yet.

So much time apart... I'm not sure why we seem to be lazy about seeing each other. I don't know.

{1,2}
Now would be a good time for Lowell House to turn on the heat. I'm cold!

The thing is, I still firmly contend that if I have to wear a long-sleeved shirt, another shirt on top, a coat, real shoes, and a hat to be comfortable outside, that is winter. And anything colder is fucking awful.

Cafe Mocha... instant serenity.

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