{5,3}
Damn the Red Sox. But the seats were real good.

Conversations will crop up in small groups of us about how so many Harvard people really are spoiled brats when you get right down to it. These people have no concept of how other people live financially. It's like a whole other world to them. Financial aid, loans, not being able to pop over to Europe in August with Mummy and Poppy, savings, and hard work with the knowledge that eventual independence is not only desired but necessary-- these things are completely foreign. And I'm not saying I have a bad time of things, or that I really care; I just resent all the spoiled assholes I encounter who just take things for granted. It's very upsetting.

{5,2}
I did part of my homework after dinner, the part that consisted of watching two movies. Now I still have reading to do and it's 1 am. Wah. But I have fun fingernails I bought at CVS, but which I had to modify because they were ridiculously long. They are impeding my typing still, but they prevent nail biting, so that's good.

I have gotten typing with ridiculous plastic fingernails down now.

Last week at the UA gathering, I told the story of Sundell living in a closet for a long while, and people looked at me like I was on crack. Same crack-look-giving people were there today when he verified the story himself. Dave G. was amazed. I was like, see, I'm not on crack!

I don't feel like doing homework.

Things that caused happiness upon getting to the Band Room: 1) they installed new power jacks by the air conditioner, meaning we can plug in loads of shit; 2) they took the nasty old couch; 3) the Coke man brought Dr. Pepper and removed the nasty bag of cans that had been sitting in the main room for weeks. Things that caused consternation upon getting to the Band Room: 1) the ID swiper did not have it's default middle light on, but the top red one (even though it swiped fine); 2) someone took my crackers into the computer room to pig out on; 3) the Coke man did not take the previous misdelievered order for which we still do not have enough cave room, even though the piece of paper he brought with him told him to do so; 4) there were a whole lot of Red Bull cans in the left recycling bin, leading me to wonder, why?; 5) there was an old bike randomly inserted in the usual pile of junk on and near the table.

Thing that caused consternation upon returning home: huge fucking cockroach. I coerced it into the hallway where it met my shoe. I think I need to go meet some roach spray.

{5,1}
Congrats to the ol' Pro for finishing his novel draft!

It's already mid-afternoon. I suppose I could have just stayed up this morning, but I really wanted to sleep more. Charlie's was lots of fun last night, although I spent too much money. Thank goodness for summer band payment. But, I have to say, I am very happy. Busy and frazzled and distracted, but happy nonetheless.

{4,7}
Why in God's name do I work on Saturday.... I am not going to get nearly enough sleep before then.

But I did have fun tonight. After a barbecue for Ari's birthday (and quality burgers from the JRod), Seth, Lisa and I went to see Planet of the Apes. Pretty good, dark, not amazing. Then we went to Temple and had a couple and then partook in the Tommy's, which none of us had been to in quite a while. Par-tay. Now I'm pondering tomorrow's plans. There's a band I adore playing free in the city after work, which could be good. But maybe there's other fun to be had.... who knows.

There's a pine cone at the Help Desk. I haven't seen a pine cone in ages. We used to have a pine cone tree at my old house, which was fun. That tree was lots of fun to climb all over except for the time I fell and landed on it in a not so nice way. That blew.

Unfortunately, it's just the pine cone and me at the help desk. Pinky is nowhere to be seen. Which is no good because I would like to go to the dining hall and get some fooood.

Ew ew ew! I opened up my accordion file to find a cockroach staring at me. I chucked the file across the room (maybe it's a good thing I'm alone at the desk), and then I dumped all the papers out and put them back in one by one, which was good because the cockroach was hiding in them. So I ended up making little girly shrieks twice, and now I know that there must be cockroaches in my room HIDING EVERYWHERE. Gross.

Storey saw Planet of the Apes yesterday too, and mentions the astonishing character development... Isn't it amazing how the dude land on the planet and seems utterly unfazed by the whole situation? "Talking apes? Huh, weird, I should get out of here." No real pondering of the ramifications at all until that very last moment. I mean, the movie is set like 20 years from now... I don't think by then he'd have been such a well-traveled man as to be completely unamazed by life on another planet. Now I should go back and see the original because I really don't remember much of it.

{4,6}
Oh yeah, I watched Election today. I was amused. And I thought that it was much like the story of that notorious yalie we all hated so much in high school. Heh.

{4,5}
Went to bed before 1, still got up at 10:30... although I guess that's not huge amounts of sleep. It went from sweltering when I went to bed to kinda chilly this morning. It's raining.

Today I get to stick labels on the BDJ. :p

I finished sticking labels on the BDJ. I guess tomorrow is sorting the damn thing.

I went to the little UA gathering, since one of the UAs is going off to grad school next week. It was lots of fun. We concurred that a UA party is in order prior to the start of training. I feel like the UAs have really bonded quite well this summer for a bunch of people who just work together.

Gwen's latest entry is titled, "all my boyfriends are imaginary." I feel similarly, except that she was talking about fictional characters. Oh wait, so am I.

Man, why do I sleep so late... I guess I didn't go to bed very early, but still.

Yay telephone.

{4,4}
Man, Matt was talking about how he has a porch, and now I really wish I had one. Especially when I got home and it was butt hot in here. It's still too hot to sleep; too bad heat makes me sleepy. It would be so nice to go outside and still have it be part of my place... the courtyard just doesn't cut it at all. I've probably stayed inside way too much this summer for lack of a porch. All future housing decisions will be made based on presence of a porch.

:-) Yay. Just yay.

Ugh. It took way too damn long to get to sleep last night... and now it's early, and I really don't want to go to work and type up this prospectus. I hate Wednesdays.

Dood, Senator Dianne Feinstein wants to limit airline alcoholic drinks to 2 per flight in order to reduce air rage... I'll tell ya how to reduce air rage! Don't cram passengers into cramped little seats and feed them nasty shit! Why do I have to think of all the smart ideas.

Hot Bass... blech!

This music site is particularly badass. It allows you to go through this preference test where you rate what kind of music you like, and after that, it gives you a playlist. You can rate the songs you hear so it can continue to learn what sort of music you like. It's like radio made for you! Big ol' wieners like me who can't seem to listen to the radio outside of a car can hear different music than the usual mp3 playlist. My only sense is that it has a limited playlist.

Bottled-up baby... one thing I have learned is not to shake, no no shaking for me.

{4,3}
I made Kevin Davis's web-plan. That's my boss. See the bottom quote. Conlon was bitching that he wanted to try out the new 2-way pager, and so I sent him that, and then he wrote back that not only does the pager receive email pages, but also all of advteam and Kevin, to which I replied that all those people would need to know that he was going on maternity leave. And then Kevin said he didn't really know how to respond other than to embarrass us all by posting the quote sans context on his web page. I'm glad I have a cool boss who doesn't mind when I amuse myself at the help desk by being an idiot.

Lisa, Erin and I went to Grendel's tonight. I hadn't been there in forever. I ate lots of potato.

Man, I have homework for class due Wednesday. What the hell.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMBER!

I've been noticing that there are a hell of a lot of birthdays this time of year, much as there are around March. Huh.

Heh, so this woman called the Band Room wanting to make sure she'd spelled Illegitimum non Carborundum correctly. She told me that she used to bring the trombone section gallons of liquor at football games. Heh. Ah, now we're lucky if the kids have a liter among 'em.

Tom can be so goddamn stubborn. I know what the kids want more than you do!

Ah, procrastination, how I have missed you. NOT. I have a prospectus due tomorrow, and even though it just requires me to blather for four pages, I can't seem to being at all.

{4,1}
I came home after dinner and promptly crashed, but I sort of expected at some point, maybe I'd get an email or a phone call from one of a few people to do something. Now it's after midnight and nothing. No one's even logged in. :-( Which I guess kind of sucks, but then again I got to sleep, so I don't feel too bad. By the end of my desk shift, I was almost falling asleep in my chair.

All the songs I want to listen to are on my desktop... I should stop being lazy and bring that up here.

There is quite a racket going on in the hall... but maybe it has stopped so I can sleep.

And I'm annoyed. Already. Having my doubts. Already.

So, got an email this morning about that racket last night... the proctor was like, damn you kids, here are the rules I already told you. Heh, apparently other proctors were complaining. With the fire doors, there is more noise cross-entryway than within.

Grr. Grrrrrrr. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

The above made me feel better.

This article about the productivity of vacation and other unstructured time from The Onion is hysterical. Funny because it's true.

WHY IS NOBODY HOME?

There must be some fun place where everyone I was supposed to hang out with or talk to went this weekend. OR NOBODY LOVES ME.

{3,7}
Tonight I watched Happiness which was not so much as ENTIRELY FUCKED UP. It had this veneer of being good because it was non-standard, but it was pretty much just disgusting. That's not to say I disliked it, it's just to say I wouldn't necessarily recommend it to any but my most twisted acquaintances. The best thing about it was that it started out pretty twisted, merged to a place where most of the storylines approached a happy normalcy (except the most nast-tastic storyline which kept on plowing along its path), and then tidily unraveled into yet a different sort of twistedness. Yikes. YIKES.

I have work at 10 tomorrow. What possessed me to take this shift? I HAVE to go to bed RIGHT NOW. No staying up and putzing around.

More thoughts on Happiness, after reading several reviews of the masses. Some people whined that the people who didn't like it just took it too seriously or only liked Julia Robert's movies. And others said it was an honest critique of suburbia. I think that was it's problem though: it wasn't honest, just sensationalist. Dark comedy is funny because it's true, in a way that we usually try to ignore. Happiness wasn't funny because it didn't really ring that true. Dark comedy is supposed to show us how fucked up the things we take for granted really are. Happiness said, look at these fucked up people, aren't they fucked up? Well, yeah, Einstein. That's not saying anything, that's just trying to gross me out and make it look like it says something. Ooh, it's so offbeat! That's what annoys me. It's merit is in it's ability to shock, and in it's bountiful nihilism (which I can go for every so often).

Well, I can forget sleeping soon... I have returned to the Newsserver of Procrastination. I had a change of heart about it... we'll see.

Gah, two minutes and I'm ready to hide!

NO! I'm ready to face it! I'm ready to be a human! I'm ready to be an adult! I'm ready to create and not destroy! I'm ready to move forward and not lapse back! I can do it! We can do it! I am prepared! This is going to work! Fear has been defeated! There will be no fear! There will only be future! There will be no walls!

Forward. Juntos.

The girls are going to kill me.

And there would have to be early work this morning of all mornings... ugh, I just want to sleeeeeeeep.

I've been reading the nose and thinking about last night... and I'm happy. Whirlwinded, but what else is new? I'm convinced that in an ultimate time frame, our friendship is invincible. Things will be different, oh yes, very different. But I hope different in strengthening ways. I am relieved, relieved to my bones.

I have done nothing productive at work today. And I'm in a daze due to lack of sleep and food. Not that I've been very hungry, due to lack of sleep. I still have one last newsgroup to catch up... I'm going to hate myself tomorrow when the ramifications of wasting a 7-hour help desk shift become clearer.

Oh well, I need to have a brain dead day.

{3,6}
I stayed up too late last night, and now I have slept until noon. This may not be the most productive Friday on record, but what really is. I actually got a decent amount of knowledge base work and reading done last night, and I managed to peruse some music that I may purchase. Imagine that, downloading mp3's as a means of previewing actual purchases! It might be blasphemy. But I should have gone to bed earlier than I did.

My laptop is leaking on me.... the paint that covers some metal thing on the bottom (the heat sink?) is chipping away. But since it's paint used to cover metal, it's all sorts of clingy, and it sticks to my skin. Gross.

What should I do this weekend?

Ugh, so we got the BDJ today. It had just never crossed my mind after I sent it to Shea that it would come back and I'd have to *do* something with it. And mailing makes my brain hurt. I got as far as updating the addresses from the Spring Appeal, and then I tried to figure out the best way to print labels, and that made my brain hurt. Worse than that is trying to figure out what needs to happen to it prior to the post office, and that *really* makes my brain hurt. Next year, even though it's not my problem, the BDJ has *got* to be done by Spring Break.

Happy Birthday to Morris, who is now of legal age.

Aw, poor Courtney has pneumonia! Man, I don't even think my body knows how to get sick in the summer (okay, I know this is a lie, seeing as I usually get one cold per summer... but early summer!). She looked really tired. Kinda puts a damper on John's b-day.

Ya know, I always thought b-day was sort of an annoying abbreviation until "It's my B-Day!" came along.

{3,5}
After Summer Band, Scott and I went to Uno's. Uno's never seems to get old. There weren't many people at all there, and yet somehow I still smell awfully smoky. He says I needs to gets me a man, and only then can the world really start to set right. This may be true. Although I'm not feeling terribly anxious or lonely. Maybe it's just apathy. I don't feel apathetic, I just feel... maybe it's patience. Maybe it's having plenty to do.

Maybe my life is like a computer, particularly with Windows. After a restart (like coming to college), there really isn't much going on, it's lots of blankish screens, but all the basics are being established in the background. And then stuff starts popping up on the screen and things get interesting. But after a while, things start deteriorating and there are increasing blue screens of death and stuff so after a while there MUST be a restart. And then things are blank and boring, but important stuff is happening. I think I'm just rebooting.

I'm a fucking nerd. A bad nerd that thinks about Windows OS.

I blame all the above nerdiness on having poor network performance tonight. I can't just be braindead and surf the web.

This is a beautiful fortune: "Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ..." Story of my life!

Gah, I can be so absentminded. At least if I'm forced to interact with a boring person, I should have the presence of mind to extract useful information from him or her. Stupid head.

Someone sent an anonymous tip to my aol account from justatip.com that said I belong in a circus! It falls under the "compliments" category, so at least I have that going for me. I don't really think it would take me *10 years* to learn how to be a clown, though! In Tennessee, no less!

Ads from the 1950s are so funny.

{3,4}
Almost Famous made me happy. Finally, a movie that wasn't completely depressing. It got lots of Led Zeppelin stuck in my head.

And despite not getting up terribly early, I did manage to get a shitload done today, which rules. Too bad tomorrow is Wednesday, crazy busy day. Gah!

Hmmm... maybe at some point there's nothing to lose and everything to gain. Hmmm. Must ponder.

I'm in that space between dinner and Summer Band when it's too early to go over to Lowell, but I don't have enough to do in the computer lab to keep me entertained.

Today I was supposed to work desk, but Kevin had shifted everything around, so instead of reading at the desk, I actually worked for work. Amazing. The project I'm working on has a deadline of next Friday, and I hadn't really done much at all. Looking at it today, I should be able to finish that part easily while I'm at work on Saturday. Hoo-ray. I've been very productive lately, but I fear that I still have too much to do before the end of next week... I have a 5-page prospectus for my final paper due, summer band details for the upcoming concert, not to mention the need for that hellhole to be cleaned soon (although the carpet cleaning isn't happening... at least that takes some of the pressure off). Blah blah. Things are very very low key right now. This is not a bad thing except that when things are low-key, my brain is racing for ways to turn my life into tortured turmoil. Maybe that's not what it is... gah. Ever search for a resolution that was to keep things exactly the way they are now except have them feel resolved? And that's not exactly what I want either, all the time... I don't know.

I guess what it boils down to is I don't want my feelings to be hurt. And hiding behind this wall prevents hurt feelings. What I want is to not have hurt feelings and not have to hide behind a wall.

{3,3}
I always pick the most depressing movies... tonight was Requiem for a Dream. Yikes.

Yucky. Smells like exhaust in my room from these big trucks that were idling on the street. It is not helping my sleepiness. I was supposed to get up "early" today. The alarm went off at nine, I turned it off and didn't drag my ass out of bed untli damn near ten. Now it's past 11... guess I'll go to lunch at 11:30 and hit the office by 1. It's a good thing I don't have a real job.

{3,2}
So, New York was awfully fun. I got there around noon on Friday, and I went to the Museum of Radio and Television. It is really cool because you can watch up to 2 hours of whatever you want there; it's too bad I only had a half hour. I watched the premiere of I Love Lucy because I was so overwhelmed by all the possible choices, and I figured I'd stick to something relelvant to what I'm studying for class and that was entertaining. Then I went to the MoMA with Jenn, which was cool but disappointing as much of the museum was closed for renovation, and one of the floors was entirely about this architect. It was boring, and I thought most of his work was ugly anyway. Jenn and I headed for a quick snack nearby and then met Nate and Jon for dinner at Ruby Foo's which was expensive, but tasty. The the show... oh God, the show was so amazing. The first act was one of the funniest things I have ever witnessed. After the show we found a bar and chilled with a couple pitchers of sangria, then Jenn and I headed for Max's for sleep. Her apartment is really nice. Saturday we went to the Met and the Natural History Museum, free thanks to Jenn and IBM, and then we went to Little Italy from dindin. After we headed to the Knitting Factory, but I got really tired about an hour into hanging out there, and I decided rather than being cranky I would head to Port Authority. I caught the 3:30am bus, which was surprisingly full, but I got my own seat and crashed. Bus driver got a ticket for something outside of Springfield, which was amusing. And after spending two days in NYC, my first encounter with a sketchy person bugging me was in the South Station T stop. Wonderbar. But I managed my way easily to my bed, where I slept for about 8 hours, and which now rejects my sleepy head to pensiveness. Yarg.

I keep rethinking categories and subdivisions in my mind. Tonight the division between affectionate and affectionless is on my brain. When I started to split things into what I miss and what I don't miss, they map onto the respective categories quite well. Unfortunately that first category was rare and under altered conditions. Its rarity made it valuable to me, making a craving for me; the lack of discretion with which it was tossed about under those altered conditions killed me... that so valued thing, the thing I needed, proved to be worthless. Affectionless is the word to describe the most of it, both in the giving and in the allowing to be given of affection.

And yet I still wait for any word. Everybody needs the eggs, I guess.

Busy little bee, that is me. But not too stressed. Now I watch a movie.

{3,1}
Back from New York on the overnight bus. Must sleeeep. The Producers was awesome, everything else was fun too. More on it all when I have slept.

{2,6}
I went and saw Scott's show tonight. It was funny, but unfortunately the audience was sort of dead, so it wasn't as up as it could have been. But Scott was funny. Afterwards was Kong-a-ma-treat for the first time in forever, which was great.

I forgot, today after lunch I went outside and it was chilly windy and sprinkling. So I went inside the Science Center for ten minutes, and when I came back out, it was warm and sunny. Like they say, if ya don't like the weather, wait five minutes. Not just a saying.

So, it's now 20 after 1am, and I am leaving fairly early to go to New York. The latest bus I could catch would be the 9:30, but even getting up and ready for that one doesn't provide me much sleep, so now I'm pondering catching the earliest one at 6:30 and just napping for a few hours. That's easy to do if I don't change and leave on all the lights.

{2,5}
So, I decided not to putz around the empty Band Room and go for a walk. Morgan and Danny were outside! We hung around and lots of people came by and then Morris did, and so the Drills and I went to Uno's, which was fun. I love how the boys don't change their behavior at all in my presence... or maybe they do and they're just extra gross when there are no girls around. I actually don't mind, it's just funny.

Nat, leave me alone. I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT MY WEEKEND!

Problem is, I need to go down to the Band Room to get things done, but if I do, he'll be down there and have other stupid shit for me to do that I don't have time to do. I wish everyone would just go on vacation during the summer and LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

So, I was in like the worst mood this morning, worse than anytime in the last several weeks. But it seemed to go away with lunch. I wish Annenberg was closer to Lowell because I know when I get in a terrible mood, it's likely to be solved by eating, but when I'm in a terrible mood, I don't even want to leave the house. At any rate, I managed to finally get down to the Band Room, chatted with Lisa some about the saga of the House of Sin, and then closed myself in my office and got a ton of work done. Nat never came down there, or if he did, he didn't knock on the door. So, partially because I needed info and partially out of revenge, I sent him about a thousand emails this afternoon. I refused to go upstairs and ask him questions. But I got a ton of work done. And I talked to the Corsair guy and they're making us some real ties and having me send back the bow ties minus whatever we want to keep for whatever purpose. I felt bad for the poor guy because he has to suck up the cost. At any rate, I feel a billion times better about leaving this weekend, and I'm much less overwhelmed. Yay happy!

{2,4}
Why must it be so damn early? Why must I wake up to yet MORE FRUSTRATION? So now Shea Bros wants a fucking hard copy of the BDJ (remember the one I printed out that disappeared? Grrrr...) so they can tell what images to put where. Here's a thought! Open up the fucking page, open up the fucking images, match! Grrrrr....

Work went just fine, and class was not bad. I had a sort of odd lunch. For one thing, I got there and the only thing I felt like eating was salad. Even though there were tater-tots. TATER-TOTS FOOD OF LIFE! So I got a few but didn't end up eating many of them. I think maybe it was the saugage-egg-cheese biscuit I'd eaten two hours earlier which must have saturated my need for grease. Anyway, I was feeling awfully contemplative at lunch today. It was silly, really, I had some weird moment walking out of the Science Center when a memory flashed into my head about the Penn trip and walking to the bridge. The tone of the thought process was so different than what it has been lately, though... it was so unangry, accepting of what worked and what weaknesses in me made things harder. I think part, but by no means most, of my knee-jerk feeling has been vengeance and wariness. But it's important for me to remember that caution and forgiveness are not mutually exclusive. Keeping the past in mind and dwelling on it are different things. The unfortunate outcome of all this thought has been that a course of action is not clarified. I refuse to reach out and touch someone only to retrieve a bloody knawed stump for an arm. Fear is the death of everything.

KICKASS! My Summer Band salary rules! Now I long for the actual paycheck.

Man, I got out of Lowell Hall like a bat out of hell. I'd been there since 6, minus breaks to Loker for things like french vanilla coffee from a machine. The $0.75 I spent on a small cup was worth far more in amusement than in coffee greatness. I guess I've never really observed a coffee vending machine before, or else I've just forgotten, but it was damn amusing. Not bad tasting either although I know it's crappy insta-coffee. Anyhoo, I am really not the right person to be collecting a billion and one tiny folder checkout forms from a bajillion people at once... I'M A FUCKING AGORAPHOBE, PEOPLE! If I stand on the condutor's thingy, it's less bad. But tonight I was freaking out before rehearsal because I got there at 6 and Nat didn't frickin show up until damn near 7. I thought maybe the wife was poppin' the kid, but it turns out he had "stuff to do at the office." Blow me. I have stuff to do with my life. And he wants to meet tomorrow to go over what parts he needs to order. I'm like, a) were you not at that meeting with Tom at which he told me I have 8 months worth of things to do in two; and b) you don't order anything until the week before and then cancel when they don't arrive on time! Tom clearly has not taught him the way of waiting until real late to ask for the part photocopy info and then losing it. Yarg. I mean, the Band always follows copyright law to the letter. At any rate, I have blown him off and plan to hide in my office if I come down here tomorrow. This is why I don't get Band work done; I'm always hiding from adults who suck up my time. Anyhoo, I come down here all hoping for fun, but no one is here. Abby dropped by momentarily post show, but she has departed shuttle-ward. So now I'm looking for entertainment. Looking for people, person, anyone.

{2,3}
If I were Shea Bros, I would update my technology. 250 MB Zips have been out for quite a while now. Grrr.

WHY IS NOTHING EVER EASY?

So, now that there is finally a sourcebook for my class on reserve at Lamont, some idiot checked it out last night and hadn't yet returned it. WHY ARE PEOPLE SO STUPID?

Why am I so stupid? I can't figure out what phone number I want to dial... grrrr... that was silly.

I just turned on the TV and the all-star game is on. I had a distinct desire to go to The Grille to watch the game, with a former Grille companion. Two things so recent and so past.

I emailed people about watching a movie in here, but no one came. :-(

{2,2}
Who would steal a fake Bass Drum Journal? I can't find the damn thing anywhere, but the stupid post-it that was on it is right on the music stand where I had left the whole thing. I need the stupid thing because it has all the editing, and I wanted to send it along with the damn zip disk. PHUCK!

Whatever, I'll just send the zip. They send a proof back anyway.

So I called Corsair and the guy sounded really nice although sad that there are 125 unusable bowties in existence. He's going to call me back once he pulls up our info. He said it will take about 6 weeks for real ties to appear.

Corsair guy didn't call me back. Grrr.

In wonderful news, I discovered a link from AOL that allows AOL members to get free tickets to 6 Flags. Go here to get in on it if you have an AOL account. You actually have to view the page from AOL.

I got a decent amount accomplished today.

{2,1}
Yes, yes, the urge to rewrite history... I usually try to avoid it. I have left the most amazingly crappy stuff here because I generally feel it essential to represent how I felt at the moment of composition. But after rereading last night's semi-tipsy tantrum, and knowing something of the audience that still reads this, I felt it counterproductive and unrepresentative of my general feelings. In short, the entry was about longing, but it had some of the anger with which I railed against Kirk Mitchell of junk mail land. So it didn't come across right. It didn't come across with the urgent conflict I felt, it came across with desperation and rage. In some ways I feel that a lot of my public domain communication comes across overly sour these days. The truth is that I'm fairly happy. But there is some mourning part of me that I can't shake, and that I'm not sure I *should* shake. I don't know.

The barbecue was very fun, by the way. I didn't have to do anything, which ruled. Lots of cool people were there, and I was very happy to see Andrew and a lot of people who are around but who I haven't seen much of.

I was doing other things... and it got to be too late. And... it's the most charged piece of equipment I could pick up... just think of all the times I picked it up and rang only to receive an unhappy audience. I... can't. I can respond, but to instigate... oh God, I can sit here but I can't start the talking. And after that last bit which cut me to the quick... no, your move.

I had more kind of weird dreams last night. I went to bed confused. In this medium, there is ambuguity as to intended audience. You can't even say anything flat out without needing to say it flatter.

I'm just being stupid. I'm not being directed at, so I should stop being silly.

{1,7}
No, Kirk Mitchell, I am NOT stressed with debt! I hate fucking JUNK EMAIL!

Ugh, the urge to delete... that one I couldn't resist.

{1,6}
This is why I don't get anything done. I wake up at 11 (when I really should have been up earlier), and then I decide to go through Storey's intro page html code because he was complaining he used Front Page and it screwed the whole thing up. BAD STOREY! Learn html! It's easy! While I'm in the midst of doing that, some guy calls doing a psych survey which turned out to be fairly lengthy and pretty much fucked up. Now it's 1, I haven't showered or eaten.

Yay, Storey's page is fixed. And he says he does know html... but does he know how to back up his page before sending it through the shredder? Hmmmm? Anyway, I have no problem with the three-letter file extension, once I stopped typing it wrong and getting 404 errors.

{1,4}
There are three people at the help desk, one here for walkins, and another here for phones. There are about the same number of people in the entire labs. Really, this desk only needs one person today.

In the past 7 days, I have had 24 schedules appointments. After me, there are two people who had 13 appointments. This is why I don't believe things are slowing down... it all makes sense now.

G writes on her page, "Y'all, don't let me near a phone today, okay?" That's pretty much how I've been feeling lately, and today is far from exception.

Cats and Dogs was fairly amusing. The parts with the cats were more funny, although that was not the majority of the movie. But the psychodrama was not something I wanted to spend a lot of time around.

The fireworks rocked, and it was a much better idea to stay on this side of the river. We didn't the BR until after 7 and we could have left much later because it wasn't crowded and we had an awesome view of the fireworks over the trees. We couldn't really hear the music, but I didn't really care. There were some badass fireworks this year. There were these ones that crackled in a sphere, burst, and then crackled again much later on the ends. There were these little sparkly ones that stayed lit forever, so they could put all sorts of different colors up there and they just sparkled together for like a minute. And there were these crazy ass ones that changed direction and floated around like jellyfish... I don't know how they did that. And then after the show it didn't take much time at all to get home, a huge improvement over last year's two hour trek.

I kinda wanted to go hang out at Lisa's, but I have an appointment with the House Office to fix their Mac at 10am, and since they're letting me live here during the dead time, I best not be late. And sleep couldn't hurt.

Oh, and there were also fireworks that I think were meant to look like butterflies, but Lisa pops out with, hey they look like bowties! Grr!

{1,3}
12 pages is a damn good day! Go Pro!

Australia makes the best Merlot. Merlot makes the chillest A.

What do I wish for? I wish now.

Remember those cute little bow ties I talked about before. Well, when I got those, I got an accompanying sales order that listed 125 "self tie bows." Great! I thought, the ties will be coming soon. But I was a little unsettled by their description as "bows." I decided not to worry about it right then. Today I come down to the BR and see there is a box inside the door from Corsair. It seems a bit small to me. I look inside. 125 bow ties. Self-tying fucking bow ties. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH BOW TIES?! To top it off, they are on vacation until the 6th. To really make life harder, I have no hard copy of any sort of order or order confirmation. I believe the order was made over the phone, which means whoever took the order on Corsair's end was most likely the fuckup here. But it makes it hard when I can't call up a letter or a form that has the correct order in ink. So I'm just going to have to call and yell and yell and yell. I'm extra annoyed about this because it puts me in a mental catch-22 about talking to the person who placed the order: if I don't contact the orderer, I'm just being stubborn and unreasonable, but if I do, I'm just using it as an excuse to talk to said person because I can fix this problem myself. I'M AN IDIOT!

That and there was gum stuck to my desk. I don't know who would have been in my office drooling gum onto my desk, but for now I'm just pretending I spaced when removing gum from my mouth and stuck it to the desk. Gross.

Then again, when I really think about it, it's not so unreasonable. Last time I tried communication in an effort to figure things out, I was summarily slapped in the face. Until I have any indication of civility, it's just plain smart of me to instigate nothing.

{1,2}
Why do people think they can wake me up to help them with their computers. I already have two appointments this morning, I do not need to get up any earlier than I have to.

I HATE MORNINGS.

The two appointments I had this morning were worthless. In the first one, the girl had a broken ethernet jack. Like, really, obviously, pushed-into-the-wall broken. But this did not cause the other UA to notify anyone about it, and so she got scheduled again and thought I was going to be bringing her a cable to connect to the jack far away in the other room. Grr. Then my 11 o'clock didn't have an ethernet card. Not much I could do there. I think I spend more time being annoyed than almost anyone in the world.

{1,1}
The key to the amusement park not sucking is it not raining. But Superman we did ride, and it was more awesome than I remembered.

Come on, sweetie, don't play that game. Operators are standing by for your call.

One thing I learned today was that bumper cars are a lot more fun when you know how to drive.

Tick tock tick tock... waiting... I should be going to bed, I thought I got past the staying awake bullshit.

I feel like Dante in Clerks: "I'm not even supposed to be here today!" The stupid audition schedule is incredibly fucked up and I can't get ahold of Tom. Not like we can't change things around anyway, but grr.

I feel like I'm at a point of inaction screaming to be let into action. Inaction is safe, but ultimately unsatisfying. Action can yield progress, but it is volatile and can yield regression. There is a tension I can feel in the wires and in the air, a silence quivering with hesitation.

But the only finality is death. Once you're dead, you're dead. But everything else in the world lacks such finality. Once you're in love, you might fall out of it. Once you hate, you might turn to something else. There is no definite end. There is always the potential for things to change and change again and change again.

Reading through some old stuff in an attempt to gain perspective. Looking at March, I realize that I may have completed 8 steps in my 12 step program. The last four steps may be damn well impossible. I'm not sure if I want them to be possible.

Based on Thing 1's own observations about Thing 2's behavior over the course of month, Thing 1 should have had a clearer sense that things were shit for Thing 2. Based on a reading of Thing 1's observations, Thing 2 should have seen what Thing 1 was about to do. Stupid Things.

I need either the Magic 8 Ball, or some other sign.

I am dehydrated paranoia. Add water.

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