{5,7}
Why does it always seem to be me looking at you and you looking at me?

I was in a really good mood tonight... kind of a bouncy mood. I like having people in town because then there's new people to tell all the boring old stories to again. And Nate's story from today was fucking riotous. So, he took the train to Poughkeepsie (My God, I think I spelled that right), and Jenn picked him up there to bring him here. About an hour along from there, the car (not the normal Deathmobile, but another car) dies. The gas gauge, like the one on my father's car, was a phatty liar. They were out of gas, but fortunately they were within spitting distance of a gas station. So the Big Man Nate goes to get gas for the car. Now, Doofus is from New Jersey, where they don't let you pump your own gas, so he's a relative novice at this whole gas thing. They give him a gas can, and he takes off the lid and starts to fill it... but he neglected to remove the spigot thingy on the can and douses himself in the face with gasoline as it bounces off the can. Fortunately, he closed his eyes in time, but he's standing there with his eyes closed shouting for someone to get him some water and a towel (fucking get me a towel, Mr. Sunoco Gasman), and so then he feels water bottles squirting him down as they hose his face off. Meanwhile, back on the road, a little road patrol dude pushes Jenn's car down to the gas station. She pulls up and sees Nate dripping wet and is mighty confused. This story had us in quite the hysterics.

And tomorrow we're going to the amusement park. Yay!

Between the weird dreams of late, All About Eve, and being busy but not so busy as to fill up my mind, today was sort of rough. I just kept looking at the phone like I wanted to do something with it.

{5,6}
I watched the rest of All About Eve last night (and then Invasion of the Body Snatchers, which was amusing). I found myself identifying with Margo Channing... I don't know how many times I could have said, "Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night!" at the start of an evening. The problem with power and strength is the worry of having it crumble and fall, the worry of having everything but being unloved. The problem with power and strength is that other people play a part in maintaining those things for you, and yet other people want to tear them down and have them for your own. So it's easy to feel threatened, and a lioness threatened is not a pretty kitty at all.... eh, things mostly past, I hope. Who knows.

How serendipitous! I was feeling kinda enh, and then I realized this was because I failed to drink coffee at lunch. So I was headed over to Christie's after my appointment in the Yard, but then I decided to go to Tealuxe instead. Today is Free Iced Tea Day! I was so happy.

You know, I first learned the word serendipity from a Taco Bell commercial starring Dick Vitale. I think he was talking about the 7-layer burrito, and he said, "Seredipity, baby!" I don't remember what was serendipitous about the ol' 7-layer, but I had to ask my dad what the hell serendipity was. Who says TV isn't educational.

I got my modem working! Now I can connect anywhere!

{5,5}
Yee, what a day. Woke up ass early for an ass early computer appointment. Left my watch in my room and never managed to come back for it all day, although I've never seen more of my right wrist. Dude's computer has an ancient-ass ethernet card that looks okay on the computer screen (oh, except for the wicked nasty blue screen I got the first time I restarted... said something about the computer facing certain apocalyspe or something like that) but something's fucked. So I run out of time and I tell the dude I have a bajillion open appointment slots Thursday and would he like earlier or later, and even though he's already said he doesn't have class, he says earlier is better. So I have to go back there early ass "tomorrow," which given how little time to sleep that leaves me, really is feeling like later today.

So, after another (easy) appointment, I head back to the BR, where N.D. tells me, oh yeah, Feinstein's bringing over that last piece sometime before noon. I'm like, fucking wonderbar, I get to copy, tape and stuff another fucking piece of music after my class this afternoon. I opted at that moment for crashing on the couch for a couple hours before lunch. This was good. Meanwhile, a package from Corsair arrived... 12 shiny Stud(Con)ly bow ties with the rest coming. Jenn should be mighty pleased. I tried not to think about the ties and how they came to be there. Instead I went to lunch and class which were good, and when I returned there was the new music and the second of my netflix movies, All About Eve, which I'm watching for class. So I got through part of that. Everything was hectic hell from then until the end of rehearsal. After I called Lisa up and we went to Porter Uno's and sat outside and had frozen girly drinks and shrimp and crab fondue WHICH WAS AMAZING.

So, it's like 12:30 when we depart Uno's, and I go to the T. I get down the first escalator and see a ginormous rat scurry across the floor. Heading down the escalator, I notice people coming up... I get the feeling they were on the last inbound train. I go down, wait a bit, and finally say fuck it and decide to walk home. I almost decided to walk home in the first place because it is fucking gorgeous outside.

So I'm walking home, and I'm getting near Linnean St when I see this pair of feet sticking out on the sidewalk coming up. I figure it's some homeless dude crashing there. As I pass, though, I notice that there is this weird machine part or something in the little sidestreet, and it is emitting some sort of flame. There is some sort of propane-looking tank on it, and it appears to be doused in old glue. The dude is flat on his back... didn't notice if he appeared to be alive. And there is this big ol' truck parked on the side of Mass Ave there, with similar glue-covered, flammable-looking tanks (except they are not on fire). I think this is weird. I keep trucking, looking to see if maybe I can point an officer of the law toward this admittedly sketchy scene. But the first one I saw had his lights on and was going the right way, so maybe he was going there. It was fucking weird. But oddly, not very alarming to me. Cambridge is sort of a jading place that way. Or maybe it's just the world.

At any rate, I got my bank statement in the mail... in my summer mailbox, but with my school year address. This makes lots more sense than forwarding it. I'm glad to see someone in the mailing world has good sense. But anyway, in reading my bank statement which covered Dead and Commencement Weeks, I finally saw how much fucking money I spent. I keep trying to think of anything remotely large that I bought during that time, but I think it really just was food and such. All that goddamn going out to dinner. But I've been fairly good lately about eating in the dining hall, even though it sucks super hard core. I've never eaten so much salad in my life. Fucking Annenberg.

Why I'm feeling so verbose when I should be sleeping is beyond me.

Oh, the reason I started to write at all instead of sleeping in the first place... Storey referred to Baskin-Robbins as BR and talked about "the BR parking lot," which totally set off some funny bells in my head about the Band Room having a parking lot.

Oh God, it's so damn early. I'm exhausted. I had these strange dreams... it's so weird the nature of people in reality and how they show up in dreams. In part of the dream, I was hanging out with one friend who I don't see that often, but we're still good friends. But in this lengthy other part, I kept getting packages and deliveries sent by this other friend who I have not seen in a long time. His actual presence is hidden. I've had other dreams in which I've gotten emails from him. The difference, I suppose, in whether someone is actually present in my dream or only present through communication is a difference in mental perception: some people I don't see a lot, but they are present in my mind as people I could see; some people I'm not sure if there will ever be seeing each other ever again.

At any rate, the dream made me fucking sad. Which on top of tired (or maybe because of it? I also had a dream just before I woke up that I was a man in prison, or at least a character in a movie about prison) really sucks.

N.D. told me the other day that there was going to be a little reception in the OFA for Myra leaving, and they were going to drink a little of her "gift collection." Then he goes on to say she had quite an impressively large stash! The Myra Mayman myth we invented is true! It's Myra the party queen, throwing wicked rowdy parties at 74 Mt. Auburn for her retirement. Hee.

That was freaky... I just went into the bathroom, and the toilet seat was up. I stalked around the room with my keys brandished as a weapon until I had cleared the place. But then I noticed the sink looked pretty clean, so maybe it was just dorm crew. The faucet still leaks like crazy, so I doubt it was Jay's crew. I don't think those guys ever placed my work order.

Here is a sentence that is astonishing in so many ways, from the Boston Globe: "UConn scientists using gene technology at the University of Connecticut hope to develop the world's first non-allergenic cat...." First of all, I thought those UConn scientists might be hanging out at Stanford or something, so I'm glad they cleared that one up. Second of all... WHAT?! I mean, okay, I'm not one of these big anti-genetic technology people, but does the sort of weird paradox squick anyone else? The paradox being that people must adore cats so very much that even people who turn into balls of red runny nast around them want to have them, but they aren't valued quite enough to keep them out of the non- genetic fuckage category like most people would with people. I mean, dude, it's not like developing a better tomato, or even a pig with healthier meat. I mean, lots of people would find the last thing sketchy, but at least in that case the animal's life is not what is valued, but it's properties as meat anyway. But in this case... I mean, most people consider their pets like another member of the family. And I know there has always been breeding, and people choose their pets, so it's not quite like the debate about genetically-engineering your kids before they're born. But it's definitely in the weird area.

In an attempt to thwart me, my brain concocted a dream during my nap in which that person-who-does-not-appear did appear. I was in some sort of apartment that seemed to be property of the Band. I was hanging around the bathroom with an intent to eventually shower. Dave and Natalie were in the common room and I heard them let said person in. I stepped into the bathroom and started to close the door, but realized there was some stuff in there he might be wanting to pick up. I left it open and stood in the doorway, and he came around to the hallway and when he saw me stood there facing me. His hair had grown out and was sort of pulled or knotted back; he looked a tad forlorn. After a moment of staring at each other, I stepped from the bathroom to hug him. Cut scene there.

I wonder how people used to dream before motion pictures and television.

I feel like this epic entry that has been today so far is a premonition of something. I feel like there's a giant strange leap coming for this world.

{5,3}
My credit line was magically doubled! I didn't even know about it until I went and looked at my balance online. Yay! Not that I can pay to spend more than my previous credit line, but it's still pretty cool.

I hate photocopying. Summer Band yuck!

Spazzing people really get on my nerves.

I need to go back to the BR and finish stuffing folders. Fortunately Chasing Amy came in the mail today (netflix is da bomb), so I still have some of that to watch as I stuff. I ran into Ankur at dinner and he told me a lot about India, which was rally cool. He was telling me that cricket is like the huge game in India, and people will watch 5-day matches on TV while they work. It was intriguing to be how much appreciation for the techniques and skill of the game seem to outweigh concern for who wins. He was also telling me about some crazy city that was all painted bright pink two hundred years ago and remains unfaded to this day. And some other crazy city with a fort around it and inside there is no dust. He also made an interesting point about Hinduism, and how it was a really open and diverse religion long ago when it had just sort of bubbled up out of many different cultures, but then the high classes made it really orthodox, but then Western culture, oddly enough, has helped open it back up again. I guess that's one point for Western culture to all the points against it. I thought that was all really cool. I'm really digging this summer school gig a whole lot. I think I'm digging it more than I would have been in other circumstances.

{5,2}
Well, I'm glad Storey had something new to say on his web page. I get annoyed when I keep checking and there is nothing new on people's web pages. I'm like, UPDATE! Stop making me feel like a tool as I check your web page and nothing new pops up. So the old Pro wins my prize for tonight for updating. No one else does!

Tonight was wicked fun. We had our proctor meeting for the entryway, and I met a lot of really cool people. The girl who lives across the hall is really cool... I wasn't sure when I went over for her computer appointment, I kinda thought she was not so cool, but as the night wore on she definitely became cooler. I helped this other kid out with his computer and he was really nice. And I went with a whole crew over to John Harvard's, which was great. Then there were people from various entryways in the courtyard which was fun. Summer school is a bajillion times more social than the regular year. I think I'm going to really enjoy it.

{4,7}
I don't know what was wrong with me earlier this afternoon. I get into these bouts of reminiscence and it sucks. I broke out photos even. Gah. Maybe cracking my head on the Computer Services door this morning was still having an effect. I feel less goofy after two appointments (one with this utter geek... high schoolers) and ice cream that I had left over in the freezer. There's just still this stupid hoping part of me.

{4,4}
I am the Uno Queen.

Damn, I was hoping for some entertainment when I logged in, but nothing as of now. Poo.

Hmmm..... HMMMMMM.....

Oh, for the love of... dammit, I want amusement, not postponement. Oh well.

Time to go back to Boston.

Now, that's just teasing!

Holy fucking sticky ass nast. It's cloudy, but 90. EWWWWW!

It cooled off... which means it's pouring, and I'm trapped in the Science Center. Que dia!

{4,3}
She's a raven again... and she's staring and you're staring and there will be standoff until there's courage, until there's enough courage to drop pride. You'll be raving and she'll be raven... the gully draws itself up to fill up everything, it's everything in view, the gully, the gap... full screen and she pushes new things into the edges and you push them away off the screen again and she's spiraling. I'll be back, she says, I'll fill my own screen and pull in the things I need, I'll draw in all the things no one else wants and the things you want but can never have again and we will see. Andyou know that you'll see, you'll see the gully fill with all your lies again, you'll build a bridge with the common illusion of yourself, you'll tie everything in place. Tie the raven by the foot, leave her enough rope to fly and taste the sky and then yank. Stare at her and then pull it.

Get on your own damn phone.

I'm coming back through Cinncinnati tomorrow, to my surprise. I learned in eighth grade that the Cinncinnati airport is actually in northern Kentucky, which I thought was weird. Maybe the airplane will be less crowded.

{4,2}
Double the last comment from yesterday, but add a touch of sarcasm. These web pages are such a funny thing, especially when people start reacting to other people's, and you can compare your reaction with theirs. And see how their reaction reflects their inadequate understanding of the subject.

Cleaning up my inbox a bit always makes me feel more productive, which I needed at the moment. I think maybe the altitude is catching up to me, or maybe it's just having so much to do followed by so little to do, but I was feeling kinda ick for a bit there. Coffee helps too.

Hey, Pro, lynx is a text browser, good for opening pages quickly that would normally open slowly due to too much text or other crap. Or if someone writes bad frames that don't scroll properly for a while. Or if you just like using it because you're weird, which I am. I'm sure there are many other good reasons for using lynx.

Oh my, very funny... Vicarious internet living is so wonderful. It's like tuning into a big soap opera... you surf around, check in on your favorite characters, flip through some commercials. Except some of the characters don't know they're being tuned in on, or they think they're controlling how they appear. But there are multiple camera angles in this little soap.

{4,1}
There are just some people you shouldn't ponder. It's just depressing, when brilliance combines with crippling shortcomings to ruin potential. I should stop.

I had the strangest dreams this morning. One had this odd dark-haired villain, who ended up being tragically pathetic, who revealed himself as mostly just lonely as I (in the role of some younger boy) swung away from him on fire escapes and broken banners. It was far more complex, but I don't feel like getting into the details. When I woke up, I realized who the villain was.

Today we went around the east side of the mountains. While riding along, I pondered about my designs.

Some people will never stop amusing me.

{3,7}
I finished Cider House Rules today. I guess the lesson is that it's okay to go back, but only with a different name and because you have a duty. Well, that's not really the lesson, but...

I've been feeling kind of cranky. I don't know why. Maybe I'm just not used to being home anymore.

{3,6}
Pompous, arrogant, piece-o-crap, self-pitying moron! Auugggggh! I hope my sister someday realizes what an asshead her stupid boyfriend is.

Storey is going to come over and hang out tonight. I'll be interested to see what he thinks of Asshead. And the crappy dog (who really is cute, but Gimpy McRuntkins is really the appropriate name for her... she even limps sometimes).

{3,5}
One of the first things I did upon waking that reading period day was to email all the people I had ever talked to about Stuff to tell them that I needed them and to give them a sense (implicitly) of what was happening. This was not a natural act for me, but I understood that it was crucial. It's unfortunate, really, that the world doesn't revolve around me, that people can't read my mysterious mind; but it's fortunate that I can exert a little effort and connect myself to others. Some people don't even have that fortune. It's a lesson, though, that can be easily forgotten once a new comfort zone has been established; success in love and friendship comes only through constant striving, continual maintenance. So it's good to remember. Thank you.

Smart damn kid...

I hate it when I reread and see I wrote so much less than I felt. Stupid words! Maybe it's why this book Cider House gets me so much... it's all about how people can't find the words they want to express to each other what they mean, but the book itself is full of so many right words and exact expressions. Take this line: "And how do I say, 'I miss you'? he wondered--when I don't mean, 'I want to come back!'?" Yes, that! But maybe Irving has his own problems finding his own words, the way he usually centers his stories with several other works in mind, quoting and alluding. I'm not writing straight, I'm getting off topic.... ugh. I feel a little like Homer Wells... to move forward sometimes requires turning your back on the past, even the things you love in the past. But the things you love don't go away; but how do you hold onto them without clinging to them, without regressing into madness? Mabye the rest of the book will tell me.

{3,4}
I'm tech retarded at the moment. I didn't realize that the PCI Communications device that has been chilling broken in my Other Devices folder was actually the modem, and I can't seem to find the right driver for it. Not that it matters particularly if I did because I left the disk drive in my office. But wait, there's a Zip drive on my home computer. Except I can't find the driver disk for that so my laptop doesn't recognize it. And I left behind the TV cable that I was going to use to see how the computer works as a DVD player on a real TV. So I'm left using el gimpo computer for now. I can't believe I only have useless crap in my computer case

Other than that, home is pretty good. The dog is larger, but still runty and spastic. And seemingly without bounds of energy. It's pretty sick. James is here. :p

Today I have accomplished laundry and TV watching. I'm never going to get my laptop modem working without a disk drive. I guess I'll just have to live.

It feels so much later than it is... I'm still on East Coast time. And it's so dry here... whenever I come home, my hair falls out in big clumps. Okay, they're not that big, but enough to notice.

I HAVE NOTHING USEFUL TO TALK ABOUT.

{3,3}
Going home in a few hours... yay!

Here I go breaking my rules, but... I am happy to see words again. Words that sound like they're feeling out contentment. They make me smile.

I've copied this from writing I did at the Dallas airport... it's so nice to have my computer. I started to watch a movie (I'm not even going to mention which one... no, it's not porn, sicko, but... I just don't want to talk about it), but I spent most of the flight to Dallas reading Cider House Rules. Not ten pages go by in that book that don't make me want to cry, but so far I've only been reading it in public places, so it has not actually made me cry. Irving is hyper-real, and that can be awfully painful.

Dallas sucks because there are no outlets in the walls like there were at Logan, so I can't recharge my computer battery (meaning I won't be finishing the movie unless the plane has outlets, and most of them don't seem to), and I can't find any way to check my email. There is this GTE terminal that has a data port, but it's out of service. None of the phones have data ports. I WANT TECHNOLOGY TO CATCH UP TO MEEEE!

Airports make me realize how many damn freaks there are in the world.

There are these people with a baby who were on the last flight and appear to be going to Albuquerque. I heard the woman at one point refer to what the baby was doing as "data processing." They're either from Harvard/MIT or they're engineers at the labs.

Also weird is the alarming number of people who feel the need to comment to or interact with complete strangers. Dude. The people with the baby get like every weirdo and their bro gawking a bit too close. Some douche just made some comment to me about me playing Solitaire. WEIRDOS ARE EVERYWHERE.

{3,2}
Gah, I can't sleep. I tried going to bed at midnight so I would get up early, but I just can't fall asleep. And I'm hungry.... and sleepy, but not sleeping.... grrrr.

{3,1}
This is funny:

It's hysterical to see how mad Morgan gets hearing about Andrew and how cute he is and how much everyone adores him. Hee. JEALOUS!

There was this momentary awkwardness tonight... I just want to tell some people to get out of their situations because they're fucked up and harmful. It's hard in the short run, but in the long run... damn.

I had some wack ass dreams last night. In one of them, I was some director for some crazy TV show that had good looking people do some sort of water jumping on skis down a big slide that hurled them into this big lake or maybe the ocean. There were all different sites along this body of water, and each week was a new one. In some other part of the dream, Busta Rhymes was holding a concert along the path at my high school, but then it turned out he wasn't really singing, but just playing some CDs he had.

This is that strange beginning of summer moment when people are leaving and you can start to get a sense of who will be around and what people will be doing. It's particularly crucial to me this year to make as many connections as possible, to email and call and see people. I'll be living alone, which can be dangerous if I let solitude swallow me up as is tempting sometimes. So I have to work at it. I can work it just fine.

But there have been moments... Unamuno wrote that faith without doubt is a dead faith. I doubt sometimes that I have chosen the wisest path, that I can really hold to what I have decided, that I can build up a new and better world. But when I succeed, I can put more faith in myself, stronger faith for the doubts I have defeated and the new doubts I will defeat.

Doubt is a complication. I told someone the other night that hatred is lazy. It's much harder to accept that people are complicated and our feelings can be complicated; it's hard to see the good in someone we want to denounce, to recognize the faults in those we idealize. But accepting complications makes our beliefs and feelings deeper and more real.

{2,7}
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon was an amazing movie, but it made me really sad.

But the Cellar and People's Republic made me less sad. We also toured Seth's new summer apartment, in which he has a very spacious bedroom. Summer is going to be so cool. It's kind of neat when people all live in different random places. I'll be happy when I actually have my summer room.

Last summer I had thoughts, but never designs. This summer I am starting to ponder designs. The world really has opened up a lot for me in the past month.

Don't go to the Haunted House if your don't want to see a Ghost.

Come on, kiddo, let that progress kick in.

{2,6}
I slept for twelve hours. Yay. I didn't stay at the party that late; I was having a great time, but I was really so tired. Around 8pm I had laid down on the couch and fell right asleep. People were coming in and out and having loud conversations right by my head and I had no clue for about 45 minutes. But I did manage to get to the party and stay and it was amusing and interesting. Now it's summer... so weird, back already to this odd vacation time. The year went so damn fast.

This page has gotten a lot more boring since I've become more happy. It's like fuzzy bunnies and shit!

I went walking by the river. It's so nice outside, and the sun setting was cool. I compared my feelings walking to those of a walk from about a year ago, when I felt caged in by all the damn couples invading my alone space. Today they didn't bother me at all. Seems maybe I've grown a little patience. I'm not constantly being hounded by impossibility, elusive sentiments. I'm heartened by the presence of normal people, people with quirks but not dysfunction. In their presence I am capable of seeing that not everything has to be twisted and angry. The world isn't broken.

And I thought about walking. There are some friends, when you're hanging out with them, that instinctively want to travel with you. They want to go walking out by the river before anything else. And some friends will never suggest such a thing unless it has a purpose. That has me thinking.

{2,4}
Lots of people stayed at the end of the a capella gig to listen to us, which rawked. There was no asshole MC this year, which was nice. Things are going really well, even if they aren't entirely smooth. Tomorrow shouldn't be too rough, and I think Commencement will be fine too as long as the Drum gets there and back fine. :-)

Oh, and I got my grades today. I was worried that after working my ass off in school this semester it wasn't going to pay off in better grades, but it really did. That is very encouraging.

Today went really well. Class Day stuff was cool, even though they totally switched the order of things without telling us because Bono was late to the whole thing. The Trumpeter's call to dinner sounded like it went really well, just like I told Tom it would... damn is he ever going to get a big fat I Told You So. And the concert was lovely. If all goes well tomorrow, I will be the happiest Manager ever.

The Class Day concert gave me a unnerved second. But when it passed quickly, I realized that I am really over history.

{2,3}
Dood, today has rocked. Beach Day was awesome... the water was still really cold, but fun to wade in and out of, and it was real sunny. There weren't a whole lot of us, but it was still wicked fun. And then dinner with Jenn ruled. I am so much more relaxed for the next two days.

{2,2}
The Class of 1956 rocks my little world. The Kids should be well off in the coming months.

Photographs are weird. They can be oddly provoking. The best ones are valuble possessions all on their own. And that can be a bad thing. I was looking through a bunch of newer pictures, and there were a bunch that I liked, but I didn't take them because I knew I would look at them too often and value them too much. It's why I put some photos away every so often, like closing files in my life.

{2,1}
I'm at rehearsal! Next fall I'm going to watch movies during rehearsal. :-) What was really fun was sending an email to all the people who weren't here but were supposed to be and having many of them show up. Heh.

Oh God, yesterday was crazy. When I feel less lazy, I'll tell all about the Car Trip from Hell.

{1,7}
I went home kind of early... I had been feeling very enh most of the evening, and I could tell my crankiness wasn't going away, so I bailed home. Here I am now. I forgot my uniform, which means I'll have to change when I get to the BR. Yarg.

{1,6}
Thank God for the new month. I'm sick of looking at May's page.

We finally met tonight to catch up on Commencement stuff and to talk about football season. I am excited. Things are going to be just fine. Tomorrow is the last day of dead week, and we're going to Salem. I want to get some shopping in because I didn't really get to on my last trip a few weeks ago. The Saturday starts Commencement Week. I can't believe it's here so soon. Not too long and I'll be home for a week.

Salem was pretty fun today. I bought butterfly barrettes. :-) They are cute. Now I'm bored. Jenn is crashed on the couch, and because she didn't sleep, I hate to be obnoxious and put on a movie or anything, even though she'd prolly sleep right through it.

Oh god, my stomach is going to hate me tomorrow for the wings and wine...

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