{5,5}
Storey mentioned that I've been updating like a fiend, and I was totally surprised because it hadn't felt like that. Then again, time is being strange this week. Jenn mentioned (someday all communication will be on the web and cross-referencing) that we're both going nuts trying to adjust to new schedules, but even so we spent 2 hours at dinner today with Nate and John. I feel like this week has been stretched out... maybe it's the lack of sleep thing. Even without sleep, I'm still unable to stick to the schedule, and I know tomorrow will be a wash of sorts. Maybe by Friday I'll have things down again. I wish I had done some damn homework last week, but then again I had a nice time with vacation and actually got to see Amber and Gwen. But all my usual seminar reading, two novels for GenEd with double response paper, and a whole psych paper has left me very tired. And the short time before break leaves me concerned; I have to get all my shit together for my term papers before break, otherwise my grand plan of not returning will be a big problem.

God, speaking of disconnected, see above paragraph. Did I have a point?

I had a sort of unsettling dream, disjoint, as it were, out of line with my expectations of reality. The words I heard were those I would have expected to want to hear, and yet I found myself repulsed. An embrace, and it felt like I was touching a snake. I wonder what my mind is doing.

Bummer that Saturday's hockey gig is cancelled (because all these damn *musicians* have other stupid concerts and gigs), but now this means that Saturday is totally free. This is daunting! What will I do?!

{5,4}
Reasonable hour, ha! Not when there's a paper to write and people to help out. I was going to say "deal with" but that feels too mean for what I mean.

At any rate, this paper is already 4 pages long and I've only covered 2 of 6 articles and I'm not even to the major second part of my argument yet. Ugh. And I'm tired.

I feel like there will soon be a point of no return, the last point at which committment must be made or the fading away shall begin and shall be unstoppable. Not with a bang, but not with a whimper because a whimper recognizes the end; just a vanishing that makes no formal note of its ending, that unforced way of forgetting, that transcience we let heppen to us because to consider it is to let in the pain of it.

Gwen was complaining about how vague this page is... but vagueness is the only safety!

I'm feeling pretty awake now! Go second wind go!

The most annoying thing about today is my laptop. I noticed this morning that the screen was flickering, brighter, less bright. I thought, great, a connection is loose to the monitor. I discover later in the day that the charger icon is on in the systray. Futzing around with the power cable reminded me that the screen dims a bit when it goes to battery. So, fortunately the problem is the AC adapter being loose, and not a monitor issue, but it's still annoying and I can't fix it except probably to get a new AC adapter (and hope it's not the socket that's the problem). What an asspain. I don't want to be forced to clean my room so I can use the desktop.

Some people are haunted.

Aw yeah, finished with the paper! It only took an additional 45 minutes this morning. It probably would have taken 3 hours if I'd tried to finish last night. And now I'm fairly awake. Which is good because I have to read a buttload today before crapping out four pages of reflection paper (that's a gross sentence). Of course my schedule has gone to hell today! But otherwise, it has gone pretty well. I don't think I have time for a jog/walk today, however, because this reading really is massive, and I need every spare nanosecond. But first, lunch!

{5,3}
Ugh. New sleep schedule not working yet. Since I got up at noon yesterday, when I attempted to go to bed at midnight, I failed for three hours. Getting up at nine this morning was painful, but maybe it will force me to go to bed at a reasonable hour. I'm sure I'll have this down by the weekend, just in time for it to be screwed up again. Bleh! Why must my body try to constantly shift things later. Why does it hate reasonably early so much!

{5,2}
It can't be said enough: I *hate* writing papers.

I keep hoping that there will be a day, a sober day for both of us, when we sit down and talk and talk and *really* talk. There is a wall, and it I find a window sometimes late at night on the phone or maybe even together, but it's hard and cruel and solid the rest of the time. At least I've stopped banging my head against that wall, pursuing extremes to try and break it down. I stand outside it now, I am sad for what's inside, locked behind.

The thing about being a senior and being in a seminar course is the realization that if the paper just isn't going to happen tonight, it's not the end of the world and a couple of days won't matter. It's better just to do the reading for the actual class as to be useful, and turn the paper in later.

{5,1}
We are a mess. A mess, a mess.

I like having people over. I like it that our room is regularly social.

So like, the last few times I've had red wine I've ended up with a ridiculous headache. Jenn noted to me last night, as I was complaining after returning from Gwen's, that red wine contributes to migraines. So I think that's it for me and red wine. Which is too bad because it's tasty, and I'm not a huge white wine fan. But I really hate headaches, like, a lot. And despite Advil being the substance of the gods, I don't want to have to take it any oftener than I have to.

This is all more signs I'm OLD.

{4,7}
So, here we are on Saturday, and I didn't really sleep in. On purpose. I have decided that given the lack of football season, for the next month I must conform to a life of self-imposed structure, or my time will devolve into sleeping and wandering around wondering what to do. That and I really need to get going on a paper for Monday. But my schedule includes both exercise (god forbid) and actually working on the knowledge base (which I've neglected for a month), and seeing the sun for more than four hours a day. Of course, today is cloudy.

{4,6}
Thanksgiving was lots of fun. Tomorrow Amber and I are going shopping! This break is not exactly being productive, but that's okay. And I realized that Saturday will be the first Saturday I can sleep in since mid-September!

{4,4}
Worlds of trouble.

{4,3}
I no longer have access to the hub account. :-( This is the saddest day ever!

But there's a hockey game tonight! Hockey games are so much more exciting when they are not mandatory.

I slept way too late today... celebrating the unbirthday just a bit too much.

{4,1}
In the history of the Harvard Band, there has only been one undefeated football season, and that was my senior year.

Suffice it to say, yesterday was a huge party! I don't even know what happened in the football game after I was free (I was way in the back, and this fellow named Johnnie Walker had me most distracted), but I definitely had a blast giving the new kids a hard time and dancing on the field with the crusties after the game. I had thought all week I would bawl my eyes out during Fair Harvard, but I was too happy.

And now there's a different sort of turmoil. Well, I really shouldn't call it that. It's one of the best kinds of torture there is, but it's been so long since I've felt it that I've forgotten about it. It's so juvenile to have a crush on someone, but there it is. I'm sure it will go away. :-)

{3,5}
Holy hell I have a lot to do before 2pm tomorrow. And a lot to do after. And a lot to do after that! I can't wait for break.

{3,4}
I suppose it's a little thing to get snarky about, but I did have my evening mapped out pretty well, and in trying to fit everything into my week, I did work around it. I usually don't mind working things in, even if I am busy. So it's annoying to me when other people are selfish about working around my needs. And I suppose it's better to say something than to let stupid crap continue and never be addressed... it's the little things that kill.

{3,2}
I slept for 13 hours last night. Crashed at 8pm and didn't wake up at all until 3am. I was very confused at that point, trying to determine whether it was night or day, wondering why my door was open and Jenn wasn't home (forgot she went home for the weekend). Once I figured things out I talked to Matt on email a little bit and then went back to bed, not getting up for another 6 hours (although I did wake up here and there, but never gathered enough awakeness to get up). Disgusting, really, how much sleep I got. And yet I have a feeling I will sleep plenty tonight.

I go through phases... sometimes I get a sense of urgency. And lately I almost don't care. Maybe because there are so many interesting distractions, none of them productive, but fun nonetheless.

It amazes me how unconscionably stupid usually-intelligent people can be at times.

Oh my God... I was just reading through some old entries (in an attempt tp avoid writing a response paper), when I got to this one from July about how I found gum on my desk. I read the sentence, "I don't know who would have been in my office drooling gum onto my desk" and I just busted out laughing like it was the funniest thing I've ever read. It just struck me as so comical the image of some uncontrolled sap suddenly being in my office and drooling gum onto the desk. I don't know what it is sometimes about stupid things that sometimes send one into gut-wrenching laughter, but damn. My sister sometimes does this; she'll find some dumb little thing hysterically funny for reasons she can't even explain, and she'll just laugh really hard for like five minutes. Which, considering she has the most fucking infectious laugh ever when she gets going, starts everyone around her laughing like mad.

{2,6}
Why do some people always feel the need to provide you with all the evidence you ever needed to justify an assessment of them? Hmm, I think this group of people is antisocial and juvenile. Oops, yeah, I was right, they *are* antisocial and juvenile, and thus, I don't feel bad for not giving them major responsibilities and powers. Way to represent.

I should give a shout-out to all the wonderfully grown-up people that I know must be out there, but unfortunately they are much harder to find than their louder, stupider opposites.

It's funny how this year I lust after sleep on Friday nights. I used to stay up until all hours and crawl out of bed the next morning and feel like crap but still do it the next week anyway. Maybe I have just finally learned. I feel bad completely ditching the Penn party. I should go. But I know that I will ache tomorrow when I have to get up ass early and haul around crates of ponchos... I just don't have enough energy for heavy lifting if I don't sleep. Must sleeeeep....

Hockey was lots of fun tonight, even if we were only a cheering section.

{2,5}
What a wild few days. Senior Staff stuff is over. The evening was fun, as we ate ridiculously good dinner. The dissing was hard but went pretty well, and then everything after was great. Yesterday, however, was mildly torturous. But I think everything is working out slowly. I just get mad at people who can't think about the big picture. More people got dissed than got on, of course people and their friends are going to be upset. No matter what we would have chosen. But some people translate that to stupid statements like, "everyone thinks this decision is a fuckup" from clueless freshmen and their ilk. No, I've seen total fuckups (certain insane mysogynist drill masters) and even major controversies that turned out fine (four instead of five). This is neither. This is a fabulous Senior Staff. And with the remaining, we probably could have made a workable Senior Staff. How people can go around so arrogantly is beyond me. There is only one person in my opinion who has any right to be miffed. But even so, that doesn't make our decision bad. It makes our decision different from that which several people would have chosen. We all have different views of which people are most qualified. But in the end, only the people who have been on Senior Staff can really understand what qualifications are most important.

I think what makes me happy, though, is that the people whose opinions I respect seem to like the decision. I'm glad that other people in the know support us.

{2,2}
Clarity. Ahhh.

{2,1}
Welcome to Sunday. EVERYTHING IS MORE MUDDLED THAN IT WAS BEFORE. But maybe it will all get clearer when we meet.

{1,6}
Rar. Sunday is going to be busy.

{1,5}
I thought that choosing the next senior staff would become easier and clearer as the week went on, but I was wrong wrong wrong. Maybe the Band will provide clear and irrefutable evaluation data. But I somehow doubt it.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 12 Where the wild things are