{5,5}
Prove me wrong, you fucker! I'm dying for it! I don't want to be right, I don't want it to be true that your a screwoff, a disappointment, a heartless asshole who has no sense of responsibility, a skanky jerk, a fucked-up twit. Prove me goddamn wrong.

I had this weird dream we talked on the phone briefly, and he was trying to sound cheerful, but he was crying.

Lisa is the best.

Oh, it occurs to me that this Commencement Week has particular difficulty attached to it. That's sad. Still.

Why is Albuquerque so fucking backward? It's going to end up costing more to refurbish the old Sports Stadium than it will to build a new ballpark, I'm almost certain! And all the other possible economic benefits are hugely hampered by the location surrounded by University property. Augh!

I'm not even going to write what I was going to here. Holy fuck.

I deleted the email right after I read it. It was poorly thought out nastiness. To ignore all expression of my concern and then to accuse me of being not concerned, self-centered and INSANE (that's his favorite... maybe he should look into projection) is particularly like him. I have so many nasty possible responses, but it's not worth my time or energy. Someday, perhaps, his disordered view of the world will clear itself up. Maybe getting away from Harvard will do for him what getting away from him did for me.

Not to mention he threw in every guilt-inducing trick in the book. But this girl will never feel guilty for him again. He's right, I'm not the cause of his problems. I never claimed as much, but in case anyone was wondering, there it is flat out.

And if he ever wanted to speak to or see me again, he can dash those hopes. I care, but if self-preservation is the name of the game, I'll play it. And that is the last and final word any of you will ever hear of him again.

{5,4}
I decided to stop avoiding it and email. I need answers to many questions, and I'm ready to discuss anything else beyond that. I am prepared.

Playing wiffle ball was awesome. This dude joined us who was really cool... it's nice to meet new people. I haven't played ball in ages. And if Morgan is reading, your brother hit the shit out of the ball today. When I wasn't groping him.

The silent game pushes me to the border between enraged and concerned. Either way there's shit to do. And tomorrow I'm meeting with Tom, and I would like not to have to talk to him about this, but it's quickly becoming apparent that I may have no choice.

Damn, the water pressure in our shower is almost *too* much. I seem to recall it being little more than a dribble last time I was in the towers, but this shower just blasts out the scalding water.

I'm not getting very far with this article. Try not really started at all. Every time I go to start, I get consumed by The Situation and I can't write. Even making the schedule had its down notes, as I remembered Beach Day and the 25th... and wondering about how they'll go. But my creative process is certainly hampered.

I had a lot of fun with dinner in Jordan, but for some reason I'm feeling really surly now that I'm back in the BR. And I need to do laundry so it's not even like I can go back to Leverett. Maybe I'm surly because every helpless dumbfuck in the world bothers me whenever I'm here, and because half the crap I have to put up with this week shouldn't be on my plate at all. But I guess I'm better off than Jenn, who not only has an entire arrangement to do for Class Day, but also has taken the brunt of the load of entertaining people seeing as there's danger in me being caught in certain circumstances, and people naturally think of her in that capacity. This whole thing astounds me... it's one thing to screw me over, but it's another thing entirely to screw other innocent people over. But I guess when you don't really care about anyone, the people you claim to care most about are still shit to you.

{5,3}
The days keep passing and passing and passing, and yet there is no sign from him. I wonder if there is something I'm expected to do at this point. My default assumption, even when he did like me, was that he'd rather not be contacted and he'd be irritated if I tried too hard. So, I carry that assumption over... just what I don't need is to break down and write only to have him snarl back or ignore me, which will only make me sad. But then I'm left waiting and wondering if he thinks I don't care because I don't make attempts at contact. But I do care, I care an awful lot about how he's doing. And I do have practical concerns about the whole matter. I just hope he's doing okay. The overwhelming sense I get, though, is that I'm not wanted and I should just keep sitting out the storm.

The above was a wise position to take. It occurred to me that yesterday was part if the weekend, so any real panicking should have started late today. There's still plenty of mild panicking to be had until I find out all of the story.

{5,2}
Shit. I'm not supposed to feel this way.

{5,1}
In my dreams, things keep getting more and more amiable. After only a couple days had past, I dreamt things were awkward and he was snappy at me for something and I decided I really shouldn't talk to him. A few days later, I dreamt he was around, but we weren't really talking. A couple days ago, I dreamt that I got a couple weird cryptic emails about not much at all from him, but it was definitely some attept to communicate something personal. Last night I dreamt that there were lots of us hanging around (probably like dead week will be) and we were just sort of pleasant to each other but nothing more intensive as far as interaction. It's like my brain seems to be going through this whole plot in the background with a real timeline and all, and it has nothing to do with reality at all.

At least I'm not in the high part of the tower. Although I'm avoiding going over to my room at all because I'm just so leery of the whole thing. But I'll probably have a roommmate this time, and besides, I'm not allowed to be a freak anyway.

{4,7}
I really had a lot of fun behind the bar tonight. But I realized sitting around at the end, after we had cleaned up, just how sharply I miss him. The party accentuated that feeling so much. Even if we're not talking or whatever, at least if he's in the same town I can sort of sense his presence around and that's comforting in its own way.

I hate packing. I have managed to put it off as long as possible. The end of the year does a lot of things to me, thoughtswise. This year in and of itself adds its own reasons for pensiveness. I just remember finishing packing last year, the Thursday before I had to bust out of town and go home to watch my sister graduate. He came by just to make sure he said goodbye to me before I left for the week. He gave me a hug (I think it was maybe one of a very few times he ever even touched me without having had a couple beers), and it was sort of funny and awkward and sweet. Goddamn things like that keep me staring at the walls instead of getting things done.

{4,6}
I was completely unproductive today. But I had fun anyway.

I don't really want to get up early and get the two-wheeler and move crap to storage (my sister's crap because none of mine is packed at all). Yarg.

{4,5}
I can be happy about facing things and dealing with them and holding to my responsibilities no matter what happens. I have never given up, I have never run away. No one is ever going to accuse me of that and have it right.

Photoshop is wonderful... fucking give me a towel, Mr. Tangerine Speedo. Warning: this is the David Duchovny pic.

The essay questions on both the Vietnam midterm and final had the basic structure of "things were going this way at this time, but by this later time, things had changed to the complete opposite. How did that happen?" The exercise becomes looking at the overall timeline, how events lead to other events and influenced decisions, how what never seemed possible could become the one path in history truly walked. Looking back over the events can't help us preduct how future events will unfold. But the process can help us with more general lessons. It can explain. Explanation can heal wounds. Partially. It's important to understand what lead to this point, what was important about those events and influences. When were things constructive? When did they destroy? Can certain sorts of problems be avoided, or are they inevitable given certain facts? This isn't going anywhere, but the process of analysis I had to pull out today just reminded me of the sort of analysis I'm using all the time to try and work things through.

Last night I dreamed that I was in this very high floor lobby waiting for one of about eight elevators, but they were all screwy and only half of them seemed to work half the time. They were gold. Oh, now I remember, we had gone to them because before we had been in a faculty meeting that hadn't quite started yet, but there were only two women sitting at the table and a few more scattered around getting coffee and stuff. Jenn and I were sitting in some chairs off to the side because we were going to ask them a question, but then someone told us we had to leave. So we went to the elevators, and there was this older dude in a suit hanging around and chatting it up with us. Then later in the dream I was in this strange religious ceremony. They gave me a glass of what appeared to be milk, but which was more like cream, and the glass was very thick and had a waxy layer covering the top but leaving open a slot to drink through. There were all sorts of people in the room sitting with robes and drinking the stuff, some watering it down once they'd emptied enough to put in water and some drinking water in a separate glass along with it. I had to walk around the room in front of the seated people, who had all done this cream drinking thing before. I could hear puking in the background... people who couldn't handle drinking all of it. I was a little nervous, but I kept drinking and pacing myself and sipping water to get the thickness out of my mouth. There were men walking around with pitchers of water to thin the cream or to refill glasses. I think the point was that the highest people had done it many times and could drink many glasses without becoming ill. If you drank a whole glass the first time without puking, you were some sort of special holy person. It was like a bizarre version of Eagle's milk story.

I'm not being the least bit productive today.

Sixteen days later, I can look back on those angry embittered sentiments and feel that none of them are true and none will ever be true again. I took them as an anti-guide, a picture of me that I would battle to get from. I believe I have succeeded in some measure, and now I must battle against laziness and remain vigilant. What I noticed then and what I see even more sharply now is how that picture of me in a few ways was a reflection of himself. Can he muster up the strength, face the music, see what has to change in himself? It's my greatest wish for him.

{4,4}
Tonight's dinner was really fun......... but fuck, oh fuck, something is definitely not right and I don't even know what to do to get to the bottom of things. Maybe it's nothing.... maybe.

I have to remember that the only best thing I can do is live my live as optimally as possible. There are limits on what I can do.

South. Fucking south.

Do what I have to do, what I can do. Worry like fuck about the rest.

{4,3}
Tonight was really fun. The show didn't last all that long, but it was nice to dance and be out of the square. And everyone liked my sunglasses. :-)

Something isn't right... something isn't right at all.

I will be so happy when my last exam is done tomorrow. Then I have to move and pack shit. Bleh.

People are starting to bug me about what we're going to be doing for dead week, and it just makes me cringe... aaaahhhh!

Gah, and more cringe... it's horrible to realize that the scope of your decision-making is impacting way more than you ever wanted. I'm not saying that negates the wisdom of such decisions, but... again, things I can't control and so they drive me nuts. It's not like I'm exerting my will on situations and people... they have plenty of their own will to make their own decisions. But... wah. If I were on the other end, I'd blame me for the extended effects of my actions; maybe that makes me a big baby, but I don't think I'm the only one who would feel that way. I want the seesaw to sit balanced... I'm afraid to try anything to get to that point because it might just tip everything the other way. But I don't want to be the ultimate cause of lots of misery. That was never what I wanted. I wanted the least bad effects possible on the road to ultimate betterment.

So I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to intervene, say, okay, time for some new terms. Then I ask myself if I have the right to dictate terms like that, if I'm not just trying to control something that I have already dictated and released from my hands. Hell, I don't know anything other than how I'm feeling now, and I may be misconstruing the entire picture. Part of me feels that I just need to let time work things out, that I'm being impatient, that life can't be perfect for everyone in a snap. But then I argue with myself that life can be disasterous in a snap, and I could never live with myself were things to head so far south.

I need to study now.

{4,2}
Damn curiosity... damn it all to hell. Damn the things that hide behind closed doors.

Sometimes I feel like I'm eulogizing.

Yay funk! Tonight will be coo-el. I found my pink heart sunglasses.

{4,1}
It's kind of early to be home for a Saturday night, but I figured I'd head home while I felt great. Today was really fun, between the mob that descended on KFC/Taco Bell and the subsequent fun. I have behaved myself while still having lots of fun, and now I can rest my sleepy head. Yay for today!

Jenn and I went and bought arranging software and a keyboard today. Yay! I love buying things.

I'm worried. :-( Everything has been going so well for me, even though it's been busy... it doesn't seem fair in a lot of ways. Or maybe it's just finally me having the fun that I should be having and I shouldn't feel guilty about it. I feel like I'm probably a thousand times more pleasant to be around. And that's all anyone claimed they ever wanted, right?

Ah, relief. I really shouldn't stalk my friends so much.

There is someone either upstairs or next door who has the habit of listening to the same song over and over, or at least the same few songs. It really drives me nuts, especially when I can only hear the baseline but don't recognize the song but do recognize that it is the SAME SONG AS BEFORE. The nice thing about our room next year is that the walls should be a little thicker.

I'm not really sure what my problem is this evening. I'm just distracted. I guess it's hard to focus after so many days of filling my brain. I have this stupid wish to talk to him... *sigh*.

My mommy says I sound much happier and more relaxed. That is reassuring.

{3,7}
I'm so glad tomorrow is an afternoon exam. This means I can study tomorrow and sleep now. I'm feeling pretty good. Despite the rough patches, overall I have felt consistently happier and healthier lately. Which is good. We'll see how things go.

I will be so glad when this exam is over. I'll actually have decent time to study for my last one on Wednesday. Two papers and three exams in one week ain't right.

{3,6}
So, I'm about 15 minutes into my exam this morning, plugging along, when suddenly the dude next to me decides to take off his shoes. Now, I'm all for foot comfort, but this dude has THE SMELLIEST FEET KNOWN TO MANKIND. I spent about five minutes trying as subtlely as possible plug my nose before I just finally got used to the repulsive smell enough to only have to block my nose every few minutes or so. DUDE! Why do I get stuck next to Smelly Feet Guy during an exam? Gross!

Mmmm... another nap. I seem to be able to sleep more easily in the afternoon than at night.

Dinner was fun... people were funny and I was in a good mood. I feel pretty bad, though, about this whole process of diplomacy and avoidance. It makes me sad.

Studying on Friday night SUCKS. I can't wait until tomorrow night.

{3,5}
I had all sorts of things to write last night after Primal Scream, but I had turned my computer off before I left so I would go to bed upon returning. Which I did, but I didn't fall asleep for what seemed like forever. I was so unhappy. But I have to understand that I just had the unfortunate circumstance of having an exam this morning which prevented me from having much fun last night. This thing is still going to work.

Que examen tan facil! Too bad they all get harder from here.

I was walking down the street just now, when I thought, "What happens if I pass him on the street?" What happens if we're walking right at each other and there's no way to avoid seeing each other? This epitomizes what is crappy about the current setup. Crappy crappy crappy. What would be ideal is if we could be friendly, but just not hang out together. So like, I could pass him on the street and say hi just like with any other person, and like, we could be in the same room and maybe even at the same dinner table with lots of folks and not have it be a problem. Doesn't mean we should chat it up a whole lot, but just basic non-awkwardness. Maybe that's a future stage. I'm not even sure if I'm at that point. Like last night, for some reason, I just didn't even want to look at him. Okay, maybe it's because he only had boxers and fairy wings on, but I don't think that was entirely it. Maybe it was also because I knew I couldn't have any fun and so I was being resentful. That was probably it more than anything. Which is so fucking immature, but it's like when I was little and had to stand facing the corner for punishment. I hate missing out on fun, especially when I'm two hops from complete misery. But it's not like he made my exam schedule. So maybe it was the getup after all. But I don't want to get into the complications of those emotions.

I guess I've just started assuming he doesn't read this page... I guess I've started assuming *no one* reads this page! That's not true. The audience has just shifted in my head to the home fries, since I saw them and updated them all last week. So uh, Harvard kids, sorry.

I should clarify for the old Pro that no one has actually commented on the page. I'm just apologizing pre-emptively for my loss of crypticness. Or pseudo-crypticness, maybe. I'm just being kind of cathartic, which some people find uncomfortable in other forums. But whatever, no one has to read this if they don't like it.

Man, I just took a three-hour nap. This could lead to two possible problems: not having enough time to study and so having to stay up later than I want to finish; not being able to sleep early due to lack of sleepiness. But damn, I haven't been getting enough sleep for my poor little self. And I tend to need lots of that.

Got my summer school housing info: Lowell L-34, a spacious single that is certainly larger than our sophomore year double. The bedroom isn't huge, but I'm not complaining. And third floor will train me for fourth without killing me. But get this: my regular mailing address is 095 Lowell Mail Center; for Summer School, 100 Lowell Mail Center. Why don't these people have brains. Whatever, I'm having everything forwarded to the Band Room anyway.

{3,4}
Scary www.abqjournal.com has moths all over it because apparently there is a moth invasion in Albuquerque right now. SCARY. Reminds me of when there was the caterpillar invasion, and after carefully crossing the parking lot as not to step on any of the thousands of them, I realized that I was getting into my car which would kill them by the hundreds as I drove off. Even better was a couple days later when we tried to pay Fish money to eat one of the buggers.

I NEED TO GO TO BED!

I'm not getting very far very fast with this paper.

What to make of things... hrm. I think maybe I should be feeling better, I think things are okay. Okay-er than before. I hope. We'll see. I wish I didn't have an exam tomorrow morning so I could actually enjoy Primal Scream. I wish I didn't have Primal Scream so I could sleep for my exam.

I'm doing a lot more wishing than normal this week.

DIE HOUSING OFFICE DIE!

Fuck that. Harvard Band, Tent City, Harvard Yard, Friday June 8-Tuesday June 12. Students for Not Fucked Up Housing (SNFUH). We'll invade U-Hall if it gets too cold.

In better news, NO MORE PAPERS THIS YEAR!!!

One finding in non-verbal communication research is that people who are engaged with one another tend to click together physically, creating a beat and rhythm with their speech and movements. People who don't like each other tend to interact disjointedly; I find myself almost intentionally destroying rhythmic movement with some people as a way of expressing my disdain for them without saying it outright. But there's another interesting twist. I remember G talking about her and the boy when they were going through similar things... she was saying that they didn't move out of synch, but they moved around each other with the same sort of awareness they had had when they were together. They silently worked together to stay apart. The other day I noticed it, and again briefly today.... and it gave me an odd relief. I don't know whether that's good or bad.

What I said above: scratch that. Scratch it to fucking hell! I'm starving, but whatever, I'd rather starve than force my friends into terrible awkwardness. At least have the goddamn common courtesy to LOG IN so I know to go eat by myself in the first place. No, why don't we instead leave the whole fucking room sitting there wondering how to possibly get to dinner gracefully? Fuck it, I can go grab something to eat later. I don't have time for this bullshit. I'm going to have to have a fucking camera installed down there or something.

Maybe that's not really fair. But it sure is fucking annoying.

Ah, I always has more friends for dinner-ma-fun. Yay! Crisis averted. Stomach will soon be happiness.

Yeah, so the above ranting wasn't really fair at all (how much more judicious do I feel when fed...). It's not his fault. It is still annoying, but it's not his fault. That's okay, I got to hang out with Lisa and Scott, and we talked about going to the amusement park again which was so fun last summer. Ah... summer cures all woes. Last summer was so lovely. This one should be even better.

Sleeeeepyyy.... do I have to go to Primal Scream tonight?

{3,3}
School can't be over fast enough.

It will be so nice when academics are cleared out of the way, because then I can hang out with people more, and that will make me feel much better.

Gah. I'm not getting a damn word written right now. Not that I have a whole lot to say. Yay last paper of the year. It'll be a winner, I can tell ya. Distraction, distraction...

Maybe I should just go to bed.

{3,2}
One damn line to set me to tears... maybe it's just because I woke up. Maybe it's because I've been writing a paper all day. Maybe it's because I have another one to write for which I have nothing to say. Oh fuck.

I'm just tired. Today has probably been the worst day. I've been feeling guilty because I know I didn't give him a chance to say anything, and I broke things off unilaterally which wasn't really fair. Then again, I know I could never have done it any other way because there's no way he would have agreed and I would have just kept plodding on the same old cycle of shit. I just wish I knew that he was okay. If he could not be angry, if he could not be sad... I hate to see his strength falter.

{3,1}
Today has been really hard. Although I can add my sister to one of the vehement supporters of my action. But gah. The gig just made me feel like I miss him. And I do. This has been the longest week I can remember. I just wish there was understanding. I wish he would understand that time apart gives him just as much or more opportunity to reflect and grow as it gives me. I wish he'd understand that I don't hate him and I'm not mad at him (except about that stupid .plan of his, but I can forgive that), but that I need space for change. So many of the bad habits and crappy behavior patterns in my life are tied up in our pattern of interaction. It's a jump start to fixing a lot of brokenness. But if he can't find forgiveness, if he can't find understanding, we may never be friends. And that's something I'll have to face as the consequence of my decisions. But no matter what, I still feel the same as I always have, in spite of myself. That's what makes this so difficult.

{2,7}
It's funny how in the same week someone can go from saying they love you and won't give up on you to saying you are awful, insane, childish, and inhuman. Shows to go ya what some people consider love. Shows how quickly some people give up.

I remember what it's like to like people and actually take an interest in them, even when they're only mildly interesting.

{2,6}
Ack, so much work!

G-woman came into town tonight, so I caught her up on the sitiation. She joins the ranks of those who have expressed their sincere approval. Hung out with the girls, and then we all watched Mallrats. Kickass. I went home to sleep so I can get up and start my Vietnam movie marathon tomorrow with the goal of writing my paper Saturday so I can make both gigs on Sunday. Life is full. Each day is better than the last.

Wow. SuBtle. Not to mention incredibly bitter. Holy fucking Christ. And should I have the right to smile?

It's never a mistake to right your life. As they say, in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on.

Gah. Now I'm feeling kind of hurt. But then again, this only reaffirms my knowledge that I am pursuing the right path. I know that I can keep my distance without hating, but I guess hatred is the only recourse for some people. I just have to wonder if there was anything but hatred to begin with. Hatred and habit. But that's too simple. It just strikes me how my reaction to criticism is to say, you're right now, but you won't be for long. My reaction is to stubbornly prove people wrong. So many other people react by playing right into your complaints of them.

This sort of misfire in communication... this sort of resentment... this sort of name-calling and blaming and hating... it's not just me, honey.

{2,5}
Salem today was so fun! I actually ended up knowing or at least having minor acquaintance with several people, and so I had people to hang out with and it was cool! I'm totally glad I went. I just have to keep on this track.

I did have that sense of disgust at points today, and I nailed it down. There was this guy and girl (who I know from other things and have other thoughts about, but anyway...) and they were hanging all over each other all day. The look on the guy's face just made me ill, the stupid shallow happiness in it, the excitement of a hollow, transient sort. And it's not just that in the end she's going to ditch him like she has several other guys; that's sickening itself. But my real disgust is in the look itself. It might be said that I'm opposed to happiness, but that's not really right. I'm opposed to shallowness in "love." It's that kind of visible shallowness that drives me mad when I see it in someone I desperately hoped was capable of real, deep love. It's seeing that someone makes people objects for their pleasure, and always wondering if you're not just another piece in their game. That's another reason why I'm where I'm at right now.

{2,4}
Today has been so much easier than yesterday. People have been wonderful. I'm starting to remember that life doesn't have to hurt.

I should go to bed because I have to get up ass early tomorrow. I'm going to Salem with a bunch of people I don't know. I probably should be working. Gah. This is the hardest part of the day. I can be all peppy in the morning, I can bounce through the afternoon. But night time is torture, between trying to get myself to go to bed and thinking too much. And I've managed to put on depressing music, of all things. These are the most important times, though. If I can grit my teeth and hold my resolve through this fright, I can get past it. I'm so afraid of changes like this.

{2,3}
Wait for her to emerge, and see if you love her better.

{1,5}
It is your fault. But there's nothing you can do.

We have this bad habit called email. It adds to the skill we lack called communication. I work the best with the people that have their cards all on the table, who let you in. Who aren't like me at all. My mom laughs when I talk about him. "He's just like you!" she titters with glee. No, only in the ways that make it so we bang our heads against the other's. In the ways that make it so we refuse to really ever hash everything out. In the ways that make it impossible to give up because no one else really understands.

Thanks to Storey for pointing out my DENIAL about it being May already. Happy April fucking 33!

Actually, yesterday I was outside, and I thought, this is just like May at home. Then I realized it was May.

At least I'm done with that hideous batch of papers. Too bad the rest of my life fucking sucks.

I should go to my soc class's "office hours" tonight because that would be the social thing to do and I should do more of that. But I'm really tired. And now I have time to be down, so how I can I pass up an evening of wallowing!

It's not what needs to change in me. It's what needs to change in us. Otherwise us has to go away.

{1,4}
It would be nice if, for once, I could do my job and everyone else would do theirs. But instead of doing their job, if anything they try to do my job, fuck it up royally, and make tiny annoyances into enormous headaches. There's a reason they put me where I am, because I know what I'm doing. I wish some people would realize that. I wish some people would realize they're not the only person with stress. I wish some people had a sense of duty. I wish some people would have enough faith in me to stay out of my business.

Don't let yourself get sucked into this shit. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

Saying that doesn't help anything. Nothing is helping anything.

This paper is not writing itself at all. I don't have the heart for it. I've got to have the guts for it.

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