Aw, I'm a big pushover.

The rush back to Boston begins early since break started early... this is going to drive me crazy.

I'm through putting up with excuses.

I have a response... but I don't think it would do anything except cause pain, and there is no reason for me to cause pain.

I also dyed my hair again, well, my mom did all the work. It is now closer to my actual color, but with a sort of cherry tint. We'll see what happens to it over the next few days, but it's pretty groovy.

Bah, I am frustrated. I want to do something completely different with the journal format for 2002 (which leads me to avoid thinking about what will happen when my fas account dies), but it seems that I have conflicting goals. The linear format I have been using the past two years has a huge advantage in ease of catching up... just scroll down the page to the last thing read, and read up. The page-per-entry format I have seen is okay, but can be less easy to catch up on reading (have to make sure other new pages didn't slip in since the last reading), and totally doesn't work with how I update. But the linear format is very boring. And everyone has web journals now! And they are all very similarly formatted. The only new formats I have come up with just combine the worst of all existing formats.

I think I may be approaching a conclusion of compromise. My journals, whether public or private, have always struggled with a duality of style. Sometimes I am very straightforward in reporting the events of the days, and sometimes I seem to want to be more creative (and sometimes I would like to be fictional, but refrain for fear that I will be interpreted literally and I will have to explain to everyone I know every miniscule stupid thing on this webpage). A split, perhaps, is in order.

If you are getting any broken links over the next few days, don't worry about it. I'm rearranging some things, in preparation for a final redesign. But since Photoshop is freaking keyserved (grrr), the redesign will be a while coming (if I don't just decide not to do it), but the restructuring should be in place by the first of the year. At that time, anyone who links to this page should check their links... I am trying to make redirects where they will seem most necessary, which actually just means the front page, (what was I thinking in my foolish youth, really), which is now the index page and not front.html. What I'm doing instead of sleeping or being productive.

I find it actually sort of amusing at this point that my email (sent, what, a week and a half ago?) went completely ignored. I mean, it wasn't pressing or thrilling, but not really ignorable. I would be annoyed, but I'm too cynical for that. I can only be annoyed when I have actual expectations, but some people are beyond expectations.

She also got Ammy and I these evil boxes that are actually one of those little mazes with a ball... but this one had money trapped inside, which could only be removed by getting the ball to the end of the maze. Or by chucking it across the room in anger at the rolling ball. Guess which method I used.

So, earlier this evening we decided that we would drive to see the neighborhoods that had big luminaria displays for the bus tours. The first neighborhood was pretty cool, but there was this one in SW Albuquerque that just rocked. Except we spent so much time idling that the car overheated while we were all in the not-so-nice part of town, and we ended up stuck at Sonic waiting for it to cool down. But this was okay because I got a strawberry limade and it was tasty and had strawberries stuck in it. Then we tried driving again, but the transmission was sticking or something, and the car heated up really fast, and so we had to sto pin the parking lot outside the hospital where I was born. The cute parking attendant guy got us some more water, and after letting it cool down for much longer, the car worked fine and we went home. I was kind of amused by this Christmas Eve adventure. Much better than sitting around at home, and not as terrifying as previous breakdowns like the one in the middle of the freeway in Jen's Deathmobile.

Reminder for arranging: Feliz Navidad, and Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo.

The last few days I have been looking over the "ugly" journal which spanned from 12/29/97 to 8/23/98. Woo, what a doozy! I was pretty intense, and the more intense I was, the better the writing, surprisingly. Anyway, here's something I found from April of that year, during the second leg of my East Coast visit, at Harvard: "The problem of expression weighs on my mind tonite. We learn in childhood that the more we repress and deceive, the more we hold back our thoughts, and the more we play nice, the less confrontation and trouble we will face. We spend the rest of our lives trying to undo these habits, trying to become more honest, more real, and more intimate with other people. We don't want to hurt, so we dance around each other, we dance around ourselves. I don't know if we can ever completely escape evasions, even given our frustrations with the absurdity existing between every pair of humans on the planet. We must always remember the difficulties of expression when we interact with others, however; empathy will ease our anger without repressing it. There will be times in your life when you become frustrated with another for not quite loving you enough, for not showing enough affection, or for not sharing feelings. Remember in these times that this other struggles as all do to express the genuine love and affection for you that invariably exists." I'm suspicious of the slide into second person, but the thought remains. It's hard to tell people how you really feel about them; you can't expect other people just to open up with how they feel about you. This difficulty is socialized.

Here's something amusing from recently, from my online diary (I am beginning to think writing longhand does something a little different to my style, which may be good). It summarizes my insecurities, and some of my major sources of annoyance: "I hate emailing him and being like, I'm not doing anything, entertain me. He always emails me like, well, tonight is a rare occasion in which I won't be surrounded by lots and lots of cool people, so I'll be hanging out alone in my coolness, and I will allow you to drop by if you like, although I can't guarantee that I won't find something better to do or someone better to hang out with. He's an asshole, basically." Hee.

WELL, GUESS WHAT, BUCKO! THOSE DAYS ARE OVER.

You know what, I was going to rant about how SOME PEOPLE CLEARLY CAN'T READ THE FUCKING WORDS I USE, but it's just not worth it.

Sorry, I just hate being misrepresented. I know it wasn't intentional.

And the internet broke for me too... but now it is back. What the hell? I want my LAN.

Ha, see Storey, Gwen and I meant the exact opposite things, and you lumped us together. Critical reading, man!

I wonder if anyone has ever studied native versus non-native reactions to a given place. Well, okay, more specific than that. In-group, out-group. Bah, there are lots of other factors too...

I did realise today that while I like being home, I miss my friends at school.

Gwen said the same thing I said just above, but much better. She writes, "It was odd to stop for a moment and look around at some of my oldest friends, folding tamales and singing Christmas carols. There was a time when that was all I ever wanted in the world. But now, although I still love my friends dearly, that's not home anymore." (I hope she doesn't care that I copied that). I was reading through some journal entries from this time four years ago, and I was amazed how energized everything was, how deeply emotional. I think it gave me the idea that such a sense could be recaptured. But, as I think I learned today, people change an awful lot. I wrote intensely about that crowd, swimming through a wealth of emotions, colorful and lyrical. But they just aren't the same as they were then, and I don't feel the same way about them. We return, different, but we fall into some of the same roles out of habit. But we're just going through the motions. The times we connect the most is in reminiscing, returning back to the times when we were closest, back to times we can never really share with our new friends. It is just reliving the past, however.

This is the most accurate personality test I have ever taken. It says, "Your distinct personality, The Prime Minister might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time. You are a strategist who pursues the most efficient and logical path toward the realization of the goal that you perceive or visualize. You will often only associate with those people who can assist you in the implementation of your plan. Inept assistants may be immediately discarded as excess baggage. To do otherwise could be seen as inefficient and illogical. On the positive side, you can be rationally idealistic and analytically ideological. You can be a bold decision maker and risk taker who can move society ahead by years instead of minutes. On the negative side, you may be unmerciful, impatient, arrogant, impetuous and impulsive. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today's corporate kingdoms." Hee.

Some people will hold onto the past forever. And that is when it is definitely time to move on.

So far I have managed to eat a good bit of Mexican food without destroying my stomach. I have also managed to exercise everyday, which is good good good. This weekend I didn't really do much except watch TV and movies, but today I got my power adapter in the mail, leading to computing happiness (and alarm at the number of newsgroups I have yet to plough through). So, instead of writing my paper, I promptly went to the Frontier to meet Gwen, Storey, and Emily. Emily rocks, by the way, and I can see why Storey is so happy (even though they are too touchy ;p ). We went over to Storey's house, where we were met by Fish and Jake (who I haven't seen in ages) for three-team Trivial Pursuit. Gwen and I won not the game, but the award for most correct answers eventually not given. We suck. It sounds like this weekend I will probably see Bacas and Davie and Jon, which is cool. So many friends in town! And I actually feel social this year, maybe because I don't have to go back so soon, and maybe because I'm just much happier these days. Although I'm getting awfully scolded for my latest focus... come on, I'm not *that* old, people!

But now I really need to write my paper. Too bad I'm ridiculously sleepy.

I did finally get something put on paper for this paper I'm writing. It's only 5 pages! Why can't I get the damn thing done?

Oh right, complete non-academic mental distraction.

Maybe I should go work in the Band Room, far away from my bed.

I have opened up both AIM and ICQ for the first time in ages, just out of curiosity. And maybe since I'm going home soon and have such fond memories of IM conversations.

I finally started the damn paper this morning! Woohoo!

It's official: I'm an idiot. Finally after a week and a half, I call Dell to get a replacement power adapter. It didn't take very long, and it will beat me to my house (well, not really because no one will be there to sign for it Friday morning, but whatever). If I had done this last week, I'd be typing on the damn laptop right now.

Some people need to learn to care sooner. And to stop making excuses for themselves.

Oh, the big shift has happened. As I thought it might.

Alhtough, technically, I suppose the psych paper that I'm also supposed to write doesn't really have to be in until Monday. So maybe I can write it at home and email it. This is a lousy solution. And he said yesterday in evening seminar that we should turn our second papers in so he can grade them and get them back to us. But I'm writing my final paper on a totally different topic anyway, so I don't care about getting it back. So perhaps I should keep this option open.

I suppose what it comes down to is this outlook on life that I had in late high school, that sometimes life and interacting with people is as important or more important than school. I will get everything done before the end of the semester, so I shouldn't stress out.

Of course, it could be said that I shouldn't stress out over the personal stuff either, because what will be will be. But I don't really believe this.

This paper wins the record for procrastination. Rar.

Went to Countway with Ms. Kessler this evening. 'Twas most lovely. We talked about assorted managerial things, and then about our respective prospectives. Scheming! Hee!

It's 4 am... do you know where your sleep is?

Now it's time for the power plan... unless I wake up from this dream. I can hardly believe the world sometimes.

Lesson #1: phone calls can wait. Maximize time of proximity.

I shouldn't be so mean... I had a lovely time tonight... damn near perfect.

Hee, there's a name for that first sentiment from today's entry, and it's Frustration! The Christmas party was a blast (although better than sophomore year? Not as wacky, and I had a distinctly different focus... dunno), and my memories of it are pleasantly foggy. But Jenn lost her bet... which maybe isn't too bad because then I would feel guilty. So instead I just feel frustrated. More torture!

One highlight of last night was the yale video... I'm not often caught on video, so I think a high percentage of the time that I am on video I should be hammered. It was funny.

Another Saturday night with no plans... I suppose I could go to the jazz band concert, but I don't think I'm that motivated. I have a lot of work to do... but I hate working on Saturday night.

From the Onion: Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20) Your life story is the kind of thing people pay good money to see, which isn't good when you think about what bloodthirsty bastards people are.

Wow, it's snowing! Which is crazy considering how ridiculously warm it was just yesterday. Heh, I'm so sad I'm not at one of these formals tonight, tramping through the slippery streets in high heels. I accidentally spelled that 'hells' the first time.

I don't mind not being at one of these formals, but I'm sad that so many other people are tonight, with the Jazz Band playing at the Adams formal. It would be a lovely evening to build a fire and make hot chocolate.

Kristin is cool. :-)

Damn, it's finally Christmas party day! Afternoon will be caroling, best gig of the year, and then THE PARTY! And unlike last year's hideousness, this year's party promises to be the best Christmas debauchery since I've been here, possibly even beating sophomore year's craziness. It will be truly stunning.

I enjoyed rehearsal and dinner far too much.