To solve bleh, went down to the Band Room. Kids were hanging out, watching TV. Later there was foosball; Chris beat me twice by one goal each time, even though I had been ahead in both games. Damn boy. There were many Gimp League matches... but JPM is too good to be in Gimp League. GL is for the truly bad.

I am feeling significantly better.

Mmmm, shopping. Discovered a couple of wicked cool courses today. If I find too many more, I will have to make decisions and stuff! Damn, my life is so hard.

In other news, I am tickled by the angst of geographical concerns.

The question now is what I am to do. What is the proper course of action? Is the proper course no action at all?

After six weeks of mostly vacation (I suppose minus those two weeks of paper hell), full of relaxation, hanging out with friends, seeing cool places, and having minor drama in life (in a decently good way) for the first time in years, I feel the slight letdown of school starting back up and the fun winding down a bit. Add that to the already present disappointment, and suddenly I'm bleh. Bleh.

How'd it get to be so late?! Talk about a screwed up sleep schedule I have working here... went to bed wicked late last night, got up wicked late today, took a nap for about an hour this evening, and now I feel like it is way earlier than it is. Damn near three! I will soon force myself to go to bed.

This evening was very fun. Went over to Mike and Dave's, and finally met their roommate Travis, who I wasn't sure I liked at first, but he grew on me. I went over with Jenn, and Chris was there, and the six of us played this fabulous game called Careers, which Mike won because for some reason people decided that it was a good idea to make deals with him and give him lots of money.

Additional goodness was that things were non-awkward. Immediate goal: steer things back to normalcy.

It's amazing how many times I have changed my mind since the start of winter break. I have totally amended my position a thousand times, and in some ways I'm a little back to Square One. Square 1.2, the improved Square One. Everything just keeps improving.

Today was amusing. I went over to the Chinese Kitchen Food Truck with a bunch of kids for lunch. The sesame chicken was subpar, but the eggroll that accompanied it was fantastic. I should have gone ith spicy, crispy, or orangey for the meal. Jenn and I later went out for ice cream, to celebrate the insanely warm weather, and then we browsed books at the COOP as a bit of pre-shopping. This endeavor added more courses to my shopping list than it removed, but it certainly helped me prioritize my shopping for those times slots with multiple possibilities. I need overarching prioritizing characteristic like I had last semester (no exams), such as only classes after 1, or only classes on certain days. We shall see.

I think the funniest misspelling is "intercession." It would annoy me that people don't spell it intersession, if it weren't for the comical image I always get of the holy-like saving quality of the time between semesters in which there is no school.

Matt convinced me not to despair about things. I just have to have some perspective about things and remember how hard it is to interact with other people when confusion is probably also added into the mix. I'm still frustrated, but at least I'm not panicking anymore.

We're funny kids.

I had dinner with Lisa and Jenn tonight, which was lots of fun. Yay!

I must have missed something somewhere. I do not understand how people can change how they react to other people so very quickly. I don't understand how people can be so fucking weird about things that really aren't that complicated. I don't understand why people just won't be honest.

But other than that issue in my life, the ski trip went extremely well. No major psychodrama, just very relaxing. I got to see cool things in Montreal, and people were overall very fun and amusing. On the whole, this was probably the best ski trip I've been on. It's too bad that things did not live up to expectations, but I won't let that dampen my overall impression too much.

Why am I not asleep? We're meeting in 3.5 hours!

I may have mentioned two or seventeen times that I am really looking forward to this ski trip.

I have been writing quite a lot in my renewed paper journal. This is good because I have a lot of conflict and confusion in my brain (which is due to stupidity, I'm sure) which absolutely cannot be worked out here. I'm sorry, audience. After break there will be the Ekman project, which will be fictionalish, but conflict and confusion will leak out in some form I'm sure.

Okay, good god I make no sense. It's sleep time.

Sometimes the party isn't much, but it don't matter.

Doubt? Not anymore. Hee!

Except for this one thing...

I think my problem is inexperience in actual normalcy.

Well, how do you choose *your* classes?

I hate packing. I love email. But there is that which is better than email, on the other end of this packing and flying business.

Packing finally done. It required an entire extra suitcase, even though I shipped off a heavy-ass box of books today which had originally been in my luggage. The extra suitcase was almost entirely consumed by new shoes, purchased today, although I have two little pillows too which took up lots of space. At least it's not horribly vital that I pack light, since Matt, who rawks, is picking me up, and despite his boyish looks he has manly strength to help me carry shit. :-) Once I finally get that horrible box, I will have to employ the services of some other strapping lad to carry it up the stairs... but perhaps this will not be so hard to do.

The power went out tonight! While we were watching Hollow Man (not a good film), just when he shoots this girl the power snapped off. The invisible man was after us! It was pretty amusing. The dog was confused as to why it was suddenly so very dark.

Damn, I can't believe I'll be going back tomorrow. Five and a half weeks has never flown by so quickly. I didn't even get to do all the things I meant to do while here! Like really visit school... and they're closed today. It's so funny, at the beginning of break, I wasn't quite ready to go home yet, and now I'm not quite ready to go back.

Although I am quite ready to see how things turn out.

It's like looking into a time machine. I wish I could breathe my experience and the knowledge I have gained into some people, so they can start where I have ended up. Remember all the doubts, all the anger turned back inside, continual testing and need for renewal, all the terrible insecurity, all the paralyzing fears. They seem so far away from me now, but still close enough to recall with a few words.

Music can be weird for associations. I just popped in this CD which I hadn't listened to since June or so (I suppose), and suddenly without warning it was as if I was transported to my summer room, in the afternoon, with a whole different set of emotions (but with a few semi-parallels, I'd say, to now).

Man, I hate it when I miss Taco Bell night at Lowell.

:-( Pobrecito.

*snorfle*! Hee!

Over vacation I have read back through some high school journals... wow was I ever guarded back then. Especially with regard to whomever I had a crush on at the moment. It was like a state secret or something. Then again, I was always part of a group of people who could take something scandalous or slightly interesting and blow it way out of proportion. My college friends are much more chill, and I am far less concerned with being reserved... I suppose it's realizing there are deeper, darker secrets than who I like or hate at any given moment.

Paper is at 14 pages of stuff, 14 hours left until it's due. 14 hours until freedom! I am glad that progress on this paper has gone as it has... I was concerned that I had lost all paper-writing ability after the last one. But I think I know that the deadline on this one is really for real, so that motivates me.

There is another way in which I have come along way: giving up useless worry. People fend for themselves pretty well, and the onnly thing to do is be there when needed.

Fucked. Up. Leave it to humans to be completely random.

I hope this sort of personal resolution thang isn't in the air, at least in the case in which I am interested.

I now have 23 pages and ~2 hours to string them into a paper. Whatever exists at 2:55pm is going away, baby! Freedom freedom free-dom!

Commence rockin' good time.

I love it when I make the deadline. Woot!

Okay, so I have this roommate and she's gone totally insane! She's had two different secret crushes *just today*! They're gonna put her in the loony bin!

I wish I could transmit vibes. Words are hard. Feelings are harder.

Is it really as cold as my body seems to think? Sociopsychosomatics.

In other news, KWaller is my personal hero for having appropriate priorities in HUB site design. :-)

Okay, I just need to be productive for most of the next 28 hours.

Wow, imagine, a paper whose progress is progressing! I have nine pages, and that is just talking about what each article says. I haven't even finished with that, nor have I started stringing them into a paper. I think I should hit 25 without any problem. I love psych review papers, especially when I don't care about being brilliant. How I had so much trouble with my sophomore essay is beyond me.

Shit dawg, I just remembered that there's a basketball game tonight. Anyone wanting to fall asleep on thar East Coast should turn on ESPN's Big Monday midnight game between UNM and Air Force... better than any sleeping pills.

I broke the coffee pot! I was trying to get the top part open, and knocked the decanter flying to the tile floor. The great thing about tile floor is dramatic glass breakage. But now I have no coffee.

So, on my way back from the eye doc to pick up my contacts, I stopped by Tarzhay to buy a new coffee decanter. So I got this one that said "Fits most 10-12 cup" thingys, since I recalled the beloved shattered one was 10 cups. But then I brought it home and it's huge! No way it fits in our coffee pot. So, I have to take this decanter back to Target, probably go to Walmart to find the right one (I don't recalled there being appropriately sized ones at Target), and I still have no coffee! I am going to die before the basketball game tonight if I do not have coffee! I will be forced to eat the coffee grains.

That and the Chevy has a wicked shimmy on the passenger side which we've all been trying to ignore, but there were a few moments today when the car did this little tiny bobble in direction that was not a result of my steering, even without coffee.

I am not being as productive today as I need to be. My dad picked up a cheapass new coffee maker! Coffee problem solved!

Things I will not be happy to leave: good food. Oh my God I so do not miss the dining hall.

Things I was going to say I would be happy to leave: AOL dial-up connection. BUT then I realize that tonight's problems connecting are not AOL but FAS/ICE. Goddamn it, that is supposed to be the reliable end of things! The dial-up mild slowness pales in comparison to the crappiness of FAS kicking me off while I am in the middle of an email.

Sunday's progress on paper: completed about 1/2 the reading, which was exactly what I needed to do. Could have done more if I had gotten up earlier and worked harder once I returned home from the library, but that's okay. Tomorrow I must complete all reading, get the paper outlined, and write the intro. If I don't get to actual writing by the end of tomorrow, I'll putz around for half the day Tuesday making outlines and stupid crap, and I will then be fucked!

So, the library, yes, the library at Albuquerque Academy. It's closer than UNM and far closer than Lamont, so there ya go. Hasn't changed a bit, but considering it is the first Sunday of the semester, it was wicked dead. I may have been the only student in there at several distinct blocks of time today. I felt kind of like an interloper, but my old Spanish teacher who was showing a new language department head candidate around didn't seem to think I was weird for being there. It's weird, though, because high schoolers have a different concept of acceptable behavior in the library than I have become used to. There were some speech kids in there practicing, and I'm like, dude, I can hear you! A lot! Then I tried to imagine what the noise levels of the place must have been like during the school day with a class or two in there doing research for a project and the masses of other random folk, and I could only recall a steady buzz of chatter. Definitely not something you'd hear in the reading rooms of Harvard libraries. Unless there's a marching band in there.

Exit Amber. I am now the last vacation holdout I know.

Two pairs of jeans and a black vinyl dress: all in a day's shopping. Also, two different dice bracelets. Unfortunate lack of adorable red shoes under size 7.

And then, the monthly book fair at the public library. A buttload of books for very very cheap. The most expensive book we bought was a $3 signed copy of Betty Friedan's _The Second Stage_.

20 questions is a kid's game. Straight Up is my game.

Friday's progress on last paper: none. Saturday's progress on final paper: put journal articles in chronological order, skimmed one I read for a previous short paper on this topic. Browsed table of contents of three books to estimate how much I will need to read from them. Counted number of journals articles I have to read. Made a list. Basically, I did nothing.

Context: News in Albuquerque the last couple days (besides the weather, which is ever the top story, I don't know why) has been 1) this cop that got killed driving to work ("in the line of duty"... puhleeze) because he was speeding and he hit a street cleaner that was on the freeway shoulder but stuck out slightly. 2) The Olympic torch is coming through sometime this weekend.

Story: Ever have one of those dreams where you are slightly late to something, and as you are trying to get there, all sorts of wacky stuff happens to make you insanely late? That was my reality today. So, I'm supposed to meet my dad and his friend Tony (who went to Harvard) for lunch today at 11:45, about 15-20 minutes from my house. I don't get out of the house until about 11:35, but no biggie, I'm only a bit late. I'm driving along when suddenly I realize that I am stuck at an intersection, cars not moving. I am stuck behind a large vehicle so I can't really see, but I finally note that there is a police car blocking our lanes. And yet traffic on the cross street seems to be proceeding along quite fine (and through our green lights!), which seemed to imply a lack of accident in the intersection. Finally they start letting the right lane turn right. I'm in the middle lane, get over, and turn right, completely the opposite direction I need to go. I note in my rear view mirror that there appears to be no accident, just those police cars blocking the way. If I had been a minute earlier, I would have made it through the light and missed this mess entirely. Then as I'm driving down the street, I notice some people are making u-turns to go back the other way, but I decide not to even try to go back through the intersection again, even though I could have at that point. Because about 30 seconds later I noted police cars blocking the other intersections I was approaching also (not my direction, but the others). Then I saw it: the motorcade, going the opposite way of me. And suddenly I was stuck in another line of traffic. I couldn't figure out what the hell the motorcade was for; I hadn't heard that the President would be in town or anything. i thought maybe it was the torch, but nothing had any Olympic garb on it. It was just this ginourmous string of police cars. I called my mom, and she noted that it was probably the funeral procession for the police officer. So, for 25 minutes every cop in the city of Albuquerque went by with sirens wailing, and finally I got out of there. What made the rest of the drive ironic was that on this other street, I got stuck behind, what else? A street cleaner. I was convinced I was going to hit a cop as my next act. It took me an hour to get to lunch, but my mom had talked to my dad in the meantime, so they knew what was going on. Yeargh.

Okay, I love WHRB, but dude, do the basketball game, not the hockey game.

Bounce! Bounce! Bounce!

I've never written slower. Only 30 hours late. Arg! I still have one more to write?

Hee! Oh, but I can't wait for the ski trip. It promises to be amazing.

AND, I'm going to Spain for spring break. It is going to kick so much ass.

So, I'm still pissed as hell, but after sleep it's taken the form of a dull rage, which should allow me to write my paper, unlike last night when I couldn't do anything.

After reviewing my emails, and meticulously recording the sequence of events, I'm more pissed than ever. Well, I've learned my lesson: there's no point in trying to contribute and trying to be helpful, because it will ultimately just come back and stab you in the ass. Fuck that shit.

What is with scrawny little men and disdain for baklava?

Today has not been the most productive day... I either going to be up all night, or awake very early tomorrow working on this paper. It is *late* already. this is what happens when I a) procrastinate and b) am enraged. :-(

And apparently no one loves me, because no one emails me (except Matt, who IM'd me). I have tent, am camper, unhappy.

I feel much better. Everything makes so much more sense now, and people do not hate me. Both of these things are very good. Now I have no rage, which means I can write my paper... or something. It's 11 already. This paper is fukt.

Sense of humor good thing to have! Wish I could distribute them!

So, I returned from the basketball game (heartbreaking loss... so close) to discover 59 new messages! Largely from my new baby monster. Rar! Apparently there are propriety concerns already... nothing a little communcation ahead of time couldn't have solved, but it's so much easier just to be bitchy and annoyed about it later! Heh, whatever (and this saying never gets old, I tell ya), NOT MY PROBLEM!

Kids... they have an institutional memory of one year. I write certain emails in one style (for a very specific anomalous reason), and they think it's some sort of Band tradition. They don't realize that it wasn't to prevent the institution from trouble, but it was to keep my ass out of trouble (yes yes, with the purpose of salvaging the institution from Ultimate Trouble, but whatever). Why are people never paranoid in the right place and time, like with Tom in the room or in newspaper articles?

Have I gushed enough about the new mailng list? It is such a beautiful thing. Today I used it for therapy. It was phat. People have been using it as a convenient way to make plans to hang out, which is also phat... the reason the Band Room is sometimes so good is that you can just go down there, say hi to people you like without having to go through the game of finding a reason to hang out with them, and do stuff together conveniently. But often times the cool people just aren't down there... which is why the ba is so great. Everyone is there all the time.

Fuck the Harvard Band.

Mmmm... baklava. My mother and sister made it Saturday, and it rawks. They don't make it the ghetto way, which is to stick most of the dough together, then a big layer of nuts, then another big layer of dough... they separate it all into thin layers, which is far better. Matt said he was not a big fan of the dish... how can you not like flaky dough and walnuts encased in honey and butter? It's like, the best thing ever.

Then again, this is also the boy who does not read my web page, so clearly he is not attuned to the finer things in life.

GenEd paper update. So, it's after 1pm here, and I have just over 1 page done. But I have about 7 handwritten pages of notes. It took me all day just to get those complete, and to hork out an outline so I can amass all this info into a paper. I think I have spent too much time and effort on this paper. I better get a fucking good grade.

I am way good as far as the schedule of the GenEd paper, because I just need to turn it in whenever tomorrow via email. The big problem at this point is the Hist of Sci paper. It's due at 4 on Wednesday. Which is 2pm here. That sucks. I have a pile of reading for it. I am just going to have to choose what to read and skim skim skim. And then crank it out. Fortunately, I think I am doing well in that class (although I don't know what I got on my second paper), and she tends to grade less-than-toughly, so I should be okay, even if this paper is not the gem I would have liked. Then I have a week for my psych paper, which should be plenty of time if I don't screw around.

New plan for Hist of Sci paper: turn it in sometime on the 9th. It's by email, so whatever, it's not like she will have wanted to read it by then anyway. Worst that happens is she knocks it down a third grade, and I stay sane and hardly notice.

Jenn is going to pass this semester. I send Jenn the vibes of passing.

This paper is taking way too long to write. Perhaps I should move this operation away from an internet connection. But every time I log off and start writing, I think of something I need to look up online (it is about web journals, after all). Rar.

Aw! Yeah! Paper done! Basketball game (rather, asskicking by Gonzaga) tonight. Reading all day tomorrow. Writing paper all day Wednesday. Oooh baby!

You know what? Faculty members are big damn babies. Grow up and stop expecting to be coddled! Waa! The President didn't stroke my ego! Waa! Well, it's about damn time.

I have created a monster! The new Band social mailing list is blowing up all over the place! Although I haven't received a new email in about ten minutes or so... maybe its fame is over!

Hey, I may actually get my Gen Ed paper written tonight! That would be a miracle, considering how I pissed away yesterday and big chunks of today. It's amazing that no matter when I go to bed, I manage to get up wicked late. But my bed is so much more comfortable than any waking place. It's really strange being at home and working on papers due 2000 miles away. I know I have to get them done on time, and I feel some of the pressure, but it's just not on the same level at all. Maybe because there aren't a bajillion other people around me who are also stressing out. It's like, hmm, people are watching TV in the living room, so the world must not be that stressful.

And I don't feel quite as crazy as I thought I would be about not being in Cambridge while everyone else is there. Then again, I have been causing much conversation to happen with a large group via email, which may become even greater once Hub_ba@hcs is announced. I have also been in contact with a few people quite regularly, which is good.

Is it possible that it is 1) January; and 2) my life makes sense? Wow! But... maybe I'll wait until the end of January to settle on that assessment. :-)

I love the exercise machine at this house. I have been actually good about exercising because it's 1) indoors, and thus warm; 2) in front of the TV; and 3) does not cause joint and ligament pain. I cranked it up another notch today, which rocked. I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to go back to school and either freeze my ass off outside or go to the MAC. Bleh.

The dog is crazy. I don't believe I have mentioned how crazy the dog is. I have spent most of the day in my room working, and I emerged only to have her run around in the room in a frenzy as if I had been gone for years. Now she's crashed on my bed.

I found my Science Olympiad t-shirt! It's the team shirt Gwen and I created, with the list of rejected events on the back. Yes! I had been looking for this shirt the summer before last to show Max, who was also a SciOly geek, but alas, it was not at school. And I never looked for it at home, apparently.

The first one, wash away the other ones. Wash away the past.

Yeah, so I'm an idiot! My AOL account was compromised thanks to me "loggin in" last night to a "My Pictures" site. Rar. I should have changed my password.

And I am also an idiot because I had intended to call the BR after the gig to say hi to everyone, but I totally forgot after the first incident of my idiocy was discovered.

Sleepless.... daydreaming when I should be sleepdreaming. I dream of Canada, that post-semester oasis of potential hedonism and bliss. It seems that I have returned, after a short bump, to the proper state of mind.

Except for the total lack of productivity. Oh, but deadline pressure is building, which I'm sure will thrust me into work work work.

Snow! I like so snow so much more at home, because I don't have to walk in it, unless I want to.

Wow, I just realize it's, like, Friday night. See, this is why it is good that I am at home, because if I were in Cambridge, I'm sure I would justify going out and having fun. Now, since I am not doing this, I can justify going to the basketball game tomorrow. Woo-hoo!

I am currently working on my GenEd paper, after being bored by articles on PMS for my Hist of Sci paper. It is about personal web pages. Technology and humanity. Identity and immortality. Intimacy and reality. Bullshit, really.

Hey, notice how I avoid typing the wrong year? No year typed! Wow, I hadn't even thought of that until just now.

So, I bought two actual paper journals tonight. They rock. I wrote about a bajillion pages after I got home, thereby killing homework productivity, but addressing issues which cropped up today and needed to be addressed. Today was such a bipolar day with respect to my feelings. And both sets of feelings are completely valid, so I need to incorporate them into a reasonable solution.

Surprising, this rebirth, the old and something new I have never seen before. I thought I was leaving you behind, but I find you at my side, keeping up.

Someone used my computer yesterday... all right, who's going to San Francisco. And Office Depot!

A few different peple have been using the phrase "Oh well" a lot lately in written form. I invite its users to consider the effect it has on the rest of what they have just said. It has a very dismissive quality, a way of reducing the importance of what has been said or of the topic at hand. If you are writing about what is important to you, you should not need to use this phrase. It sounds like giving up passively, and the sound of giving up should be loud and tumultuous and active.

Jenn is writing that she should not be complaining that it is 65 degrees in our room, but my parents keep forgetting to turn up the heat when they leave, meaning that it is often 65 degrees in this house when I wake up, and this is COLD. 65 is cold! Hell, it's supposed to be 70 in here right now and my feet are freezing. I hate winter!

As wise man say, quoting Loud Family, "To be the center of the universe, don't orbit things." Increase the gravity of your being, and things will orbit *you*!

It seems that everyone is back at school or will be very soon! My feeling of exile begins! Must... gain... remote...control!

Today begins paper-writing isolation. In wonderful news, I spontaneously generated a topic for my GenEd paper last night. I had been hoping to write this paper a long time ago, but it never happened due to lack of topic. I was therefore going to try the deadline pressure tactic of working on my second paper until right before the GenEd paper was due, but now it appears I can work on both simultaneously. Victory!

(censored) I will get myself in too much trouble.

To my young friend, a few things. When you first started seeing a certain person, you simultaneously entertained other interests which I believe you actually thought were better. One problem with separations is the feeling that you have lost the best you can get... but remember, even in the beginning you knew that there was Something Better, even if your definitions of Something Better may have changed since then. And you *can* do better. That is the hardest realization. The world can be a harshly random place, but it can also be blissfully random. People who should be begging to go out with you won't give you the time of day, and people who are perfect beyond your wildest dreams will shower you with attention; time brings different things. The best thing you can do at any given time is to surround yourself with the people who care about you the most and who treat you well. This seems easy, but actually, it is much easier to take these people for granted. But they are your bedrock. And upon this bedrock you can stand and reach that Something Better.

There is also nothing wrong with absence enforced. Distance, both physical and mental, from that which hurts you is the only way to heal and to re-establish your functioning as an independent being and to rediscover your self-worth. It also helps avoid the dreadful friends-with-benefits fiasco which keeps false hopes alive. Stepping away is often the best thing to do for the long run.

And before anyone calls me a hypocrite, I'd like to restate that I have new very-clear boundaries established for myself. Because otherwise I'm helping perpetuate a shitty situation for myself.

Curiouser and curiouser... my stalking is suddenly hitting a roadblock.

Ew! Now when I finger Matt, it says hello to me, spews up my ip address, and gives me one line of information which does not include his project or plan! Matt's project and plan are the only things I like about him! Matthew, I demand an explanation for this subpar behavior on sundell.net.

Yay! Matt told me how to read his plan! Now I can like things about Matt again! ;-)

And he also said he doesn't read my page very often. I am so sad! Or, maybe I'm not.

Happy New Year, kids!

Well, the structural update to the website appears to be largely complete. I have a feeling a real redesign will not be happening. It appears that black, white, grey and red will be the colors for now. The one thing I did learn from this restructuring was some basic stylesheet stuff, which I utilized in an extremely half-assed way throughout the site. Woohoo! I actually intend to update more than just this page, so check the Soberbia section for when each section gets updated.

Woo, Jenn, I bought you a deep breath. Stick it in the middle of that huge sentence!

Gwen did a whole year in review thing on her page, which is cool. She tempts me to do the same, reflecting on the huge year that was 2001. But, somehow, I find myself stalling out on it. I feel like I have recorded so much over time on these pages that I would be repeating myself too much. Or perhaps I would just be repeating the things in my head and conversations and not this page at all... woo doggie, what a fabulous start to this year's journaling! Meta-ruminating! Suffice it to say that 2001 was a transforming year, and that so many of the worst things in my life have been altered or pushed under. 2002 will be a fruition year, even though I have no idea how everything will play out.