I am pulling off a great packing miracle. Hepped on Tylenol Cold non-drowsy, I have nearly finished packing and it's only almost dinner time. This is clearly just a post-summer packing, however, because a) some stuff was already ready to go, like the boxes in my closet full of winter clothes; and b) I have only filled one trash can, whereas a post-year pack requires an entire garbage bag or more.

Bad things, however. U-Haul calls me to say they will call me tomorrow when they have a van for me. This is very suboptimal.

Well, I guess this isn't a full-blown cold, just sinuses and throat from hell. And exhaustion. I'm not getting anything done. I just need to unload all these boxes, then I'm out of here.

After standing became difficult, I decided I should go home. I totally fell asleep on the bus. Now I must stop trying to type before I get frustrated.

So, when I got home, a couple of the boys who are moving in were upstairs surveying the remains. Well, turns out the football team hasn't quite moved out yet. The most notable evidence of that is the giant bar left in the kitchen. Most rooms still had assorted junk in them. In the final bedroom, it looked as if everything has been cleared out... except for a giant tank with a giant snake in it.

So, my mother and sister arrived today. It hasn't rained like this all summer, not since the last time my mom was here! She brings crappy weather!

My sister's apartment is a hoot. Her bathroom is very pink. And her kitchen is so funny... it's like a normal kitchen but shrunken! 3/4 size fridge, not much floor space, and this stove/oven that's a step above easy-bake. It's tiny! But the main room is of decent size, and for one person it's pretty damn cool.

Man, I hate rain. I'm going to wake up tomorrow with a full-blown cold, I just know it.

And still, nothing packed. I think this might be a Saturday job.

I'm so sad! My wonderful bank sent me a shiny new ATM card... and I am going to have to close my account with them soon! There just aren't any Cambridge Trusts near me once I move. They were such a good bank for 4 years. And here they made me a new card and I have to ditch them.

I'm still waiting for "more".

I love these people who are fired up to blame everyone for their problems but themselves. Granted, other people cause us lots of problems. But COME ON!

Okay, really tomorrow, I must start packing. Except I won't because I'll be hanging out with my mother and sister. But even if I just pack anything it will be a start.

You'd think I'd be ready to go by now with as much as I hate this place.

But... bleh. I feel bleh. Things are resolved, but they are not fixed. And I don't have anything to lead me to believe that they will be fixed without mostly my effort. At some point, I'm just tired of putting in all the effort. But then where does that lead me?

Why have email if you can't even use it to communicate...

Whatever, at least I have an explanation, and that's all I wanted all along, and even though now I'm angry for different reasons, those reasons aren't nearly as bad as the reasons I was angry before.

But God... I just don't understand how other people think sometimes, I really don't. Chalk it up to illness.

But... man, no one ever got better by running away from their problems. Even if you just start by fixing the little problems that make the big problems too overwhelming, at least that's a start. Gah, I'm just so frustrated. Why do I always feel like I'm the one who has to be supportive? When do I get the support I need? I'm the one who has needed the support the last few weeks, and yet I'm left feeling guilty for being too demanding, for being angry and scaring him off. Fuck that.

I went for a walk out by the riverway. It was nice, and I feel more calm, if not still just kind of distracted. I've decided the riverway is nicer than the Fresh Pond, no offense to the pond. I need to go walk there more.

Let me give y'all a little general advice. Consult with people who know shit before you start working on something you don't know much about, because if you consult with them after you've broken things, you're just going to be screwed and you'll annoy your consultant.

Oh my god, my new landlord is just *so* nice. Like, the complete opposite of my short experience with Roger.

The world is back to normal. Well, "normal."

So on that other option... man, why you stay around this mopey town? When nothing's here and everything's there.

Okay, so I had this Zeppelin song stuck in my head, and then I went out for a walk just now... and I heard this car driving up the street, and I'm like, no way. Then it drove past me, and way, totally that song. It's like the first song I've actually heard ALL DAY. I'm tired of the outside world channeling my brain.

The hardest question right now is when do I lose hope. I can't answer the question because I don't want it even to exist.

I'm going to hate myself in the morning for going to bed so late. But when I can't sleep, it's hard to stay in bed and just let things eat me alive.

Urgh, so tired.

And I hate the fucking M2. Two buses an hour just isn't enough, esp when you miss the first one.

The feeling is back... its absence short-lived and conditional, as feared. My stomach is just a hole, but I'm not hungry. I just want to go home. At least the day is going by quickly... I don't want to do anything when I get home, but I know I need to start packing, or at least move my crap off the windowsill so Roger can fix the screen. Urgh. Such a waste, such a waste for me to feel this way when I shouldn't have to.

Now that I'm home and I've eaten (thank god for leftover and cheese), I feel a jillion times better.

Man, I am a fucking trad. But sometimes trad-edness means you're feeling okay enough to poke fun at everything that used to be so bad.

Clinical psychology is one of the most widely and popularly misunderstood fields ever, I swear.

It took hours and hours, and pages and pages, but I caught up my journal with the latest saga. It was nice to get everything down in one (er, two... finished one journal and had to start the next) place. Now my hand hurts.

Wow, I just made that unattractive angry nostril snort noise.

Hung out with Adam today. We walked around the Fresh Pond, which is pretty cool for being in the middle of civilization. Though I think the Rio Grande Nature Center or Sandia foothills or even the Academy grounds beat it in coolness while still being near or in the middle of town, but I think that's just my bias. The pond has a fence all the way around, which is a bummer, but I guess it is drinking water.

Then we went to Anna's Taqueria, where I'd never been. Shame on me, since Amber has praised it many times. It's pretty good and wicked cheap.

Man, I have to go back to work tomorrow. At least phone calling is really light this week.

I missed my chance to make fun of CHBs on hubba.

All I wanted, all I really wanted was to just sob into your shoulder. Your stupid bony shoulder, I wanted to bury my head into it and block out the world and cry out all the panic and fear and humiliation and self-hatred I had in me. I didn't need advice; I'm the psych major, I know what to do with issues. I needed you, just you, just the raw feeling you. I needed to know that I hadn't cast myself out of humanity. I needed to feel like there was safety somewhere, because there wasn't safety in myself.

But, who wants to get their shirt all wet when they have dinner plans, right?

Gah, I still could use a shoulder. It will never be too late to use.

I was writing in my journal, surprisingly tear-free, until I flipped to the very first page and read, "At some point during our conversation, we got to talking about how much he had changed lately..." And then I burst into tears.

I got the phrase "I hope your boat sinks!" stuck in my head, and I was trying to figure out if it was from a song or something, but a Google search tells me that it comes from that joke about the cannibals and the canoes that Gauksheim once told so skillfully.

Days off are so great. I did dishes, I'm doing laundry. Although it's already friggin 3pm. I have to get out of here by 5 for a stupid 6pm appointment. I made the appointment when I didn't know I'd have the day off.

Looks like the weather for next week will be really moderate, which means the next heat wave will be here for moving day, I'm sure.

Why must I be surrounded by idiots?

Bleargh.

I've never been good at standing by and waiting.

I was outside on the step thinking in the chilliness. I was thinking about Coolidge Corner. He took me with him to turn in an application. I really enjoyed just running errands with him, just doing something mundane together. It reminded me of when I'd go with Morgan to Keezer's or when J and I used to make peach jam, how simple and yet great it was, hanging out, shooting the shit, just being. I forgot until this moment that we even had dinner that night. Coolidge Corner was more fun, and so was watching Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. It was not wild thrills. But it made me really happy. There are a ton of other little times like that, too many to mention, all sounding silly and small, but I remember all of them. And that's why I can't let go.

Shit, that damn Dido song that's been stuck in my head is on the friggin radio.

Talking to the depressed old people is simultaneously a strange pleasure and a bummer. Maybe it's a pleasure because they tend to be really nice and they don't ramble too much, and maybe it's just because I like depressed people more. They just seem to care more about things, they seem to pay more attention. But it's sad because I feel like, this person is cool, I wish they weren't sad.

Oh my god. The Aerosmith song I had stuck in my head in the shower this morning IS NOW ON THE RADIO. THE RADIO IS CHANNELING MY BRAIN.

And no, it's really the radio, not an mp3 player.

MTV is weird, the way they bleep out dumb words in songs. There's this new Styles song in which they really say "I get high" like a jillion times (with "high" repeated in the background another jillion times), but they totallty had to make a "I get by" version for the video since MTV won't let you say "high." How dumb. Esp since there's all sorts of flying, floating, and HIGH metaphors in the song, and everyone looks totally baked in the video. IT'S ABOUT MARIJUANA, FUCKERZ.

Oh, did I mention I have tomorrow off? I have a phone interview at 10, which I may do in my bed just because I can, and then I can do whatever I want. Working extra hours throughout the week doth be payin off.

Talked to Jenn! Yay! Despite her cell phone cutting out many many times, I think we managed to have a fairly thorough conversation. :-) She's the coolest.

Oh, and I finally found out about my fall housing today. The landlord had never told me if my application was approved. I guess he sent the lease to the girl who's been there all this time, and he thought she would fill me in. But she's been out of town and getting married and madness. But today the landlord left me a voice mail (his answering machine had said he'd be out until Monday, but like I hoped, he checked his messages on vacation... he's also really nice-sounding), and LRiv emailed me to say all was well. So all is well, except it looks like I can't move in until Sunday. WITH THE REST OF THE WORLD. I suppose I should try to get a moving van tomorrow. Since other forms of vehicleage seem unlikely at this point.

Another day of not feeling like utter crap! I'm on a roll. I think it's the physical distance that makes the silence seem okay and not terrible like it felt last week. So basically, an illusion! But sometimes illusions turn into realities.

Essentially, today I felt like whether the outcome is good or bad, I can roll with it. If good, well, that's good. If bad, well, I've proven before that I have enough friends to keep myself happy.

Well, all good moods must come to an end. Tried to go to bed with a big tight spot in my back. I threw Motrin at it to no avail. While lying in bed, I started remembering all the shit from December 2000 through spring of 2001. The $80 Videopros incident. The night before the Christmas party. Primal Scream. The Ski Trip. Lake Placid (and in contrast, the pleasant Minnesota trip). The blabbing early about Tom. The incident with Morris. The subsequent lack of apologies for everything. And more things I just won't put here or have blocked out completely. Goddamn, no wonder I got myself out of all that. It wasn't running away, it was fucking saving myself from a horrible thing.

But that horrible thing went away and everything wasn't perfect, but it was so much better that these things became irrelevant because the people involved didn't exist as such anymore. I won't believe it was all just a show, this past year. But this latest thing is more egregious than all those prior outrages combined. And it just keeps on becoming more heinous as time passes, vacation or not.

I just... I want to rewind. I want to turn back the clock to a few weeks ago. I wish I had never said anything in the first place, I wish I had just taken care of myself from the beginning. Then this probably wouldn't be happening. But, time cannot be turned, that's just it, we can't go back and coddle people and keep them out of tough situations and cover up their bad behavior for them. I can only say: I trusted you and you betrayed me. Be a man and fucking fix things now.

All of a sudden just now, filing crap at work, I just stopped being angry. I suddenly heard myself saying, just stop being angry and everything will work itself out. And I think that might be true. I don't expect to now not have times when I'm just raging about the whole thing, but maybe those times can become less and less over the week. And maybe at the end of the week, things can be fixed. I know from my own previous experience how the threat of anger can scare someone away; I don't want to be scary.

Just when I think I'm incapable of forgiveness, I manage to squeeze out a little.

Wow! I come home, and there is a beautiful plant on my chair! The kid who is moving in here got it for me as an apology about my room being invaded. It's called a Zebka, and it's wonderful! Yay nice people!

See how easily I am appeased? I just want everyone to note that.

Ah, sedatives... and by that, I mean shopping. I left work early today, since I could. I was headed home, but decided instead to get off at Central Square. I spent about an hour at Pearl, trying to be inspired by some art or craft, but ending up with just some elastic for this bracelet with my name that busted after a decade of wear. Although I do have some possible ideas for 1) some outfit involving sytrofoam balls with flowers and other sundry items stuck in them; 2) dirty paper-making, like with little naked people in the fibers, or something. It's a work in progress. After that was Harvest, where I found Blue Sky soda, greatest soda in the fucking world. Then to the 99-cent store for a cheap puzzle and a coloring book about a happy hampster that looks dirty.

As if that veritable orgy of shopping weren't enough, I took the bus to Union Square and went to... yes... Target. TARZHAY! Bright light, soothing lack of music, lazily leaning against a shopping cart while perusing sexy, cheap, and useful merchandise. And if you think sexy is a bold statement, you clearly haven't been there recently. Besides the wonder that is all the new Todd Oldham stuff (deep red laptop backpack, half price for $7.40), I procured a lovely photo box (a sort of wonderful dark peach, with dominoes on it) and a journal (pink, retro bubble things). Furthermore, after speding all that time at the crafts store, it was Target that brought me the final joy: Hello Kitty floor mat. Easy, redundant, cute! And cheap. Tarzhay loves cheap, and I do too.

So that was great. I only wish my feet didn't hurt after walking all afternoon. And that I knew Union Square better. But hopefully I can do more of that come fall time.

I've said it before, but it can't be said enough: I can't *wait* to move out of this fucking house. Today the landlord decided he needed to fix the screen in my room and ended up knocking all my little knickknacks everywhere and spilling my paperclips and even broke one little stupid thing. Turns out the kid who's moving into this room was with him, so it was "okay." I already gave the landlord a piece of my mind, and now I have to rip this kid a new asshole in the nicest fucking way possible. It's just not cool when I already feel like crap to come home to the one place I feel like I can hole myself up to find that it has been invaded and wrecked. Fucking assholes.

And the fucking sink is full of dishes. I have no motivation to do them.

Oh, I moved this page. I'm tired of fas going down and killing my high.

I did a batch of dishes, watched TV and coded surveys for work, then cleaned the bathroom sink. The kid who's moving in here left me a nice voice mail apologizing and saying he should have forewarned me and letting me know that the landlord was being just kind of overzealous about getting things fixed. LCard threatened beatdown if all was not well, but I missed her IM... I need internet in the living room. All is really okay.

Now I must make my great attempt to sleep. Soon.

I really do like her a lot. But it's all part of the damned-no-matter-what problem. If the girl sucks, I'm mad because she sucks. If she's cool, I'm mad because if she's stuck with such a bozo, what can I expect from the world? In this case, it's definitely the "she could do so much better, you don't fucking deserve her" mentality going on.

The Noser invasion of the Rock Slide at Rock Bottom was very fun, and though there were so many people that I only could talk with a limited number, I had fun talking to the people I did. It was the best time I've had in weeks, and it was very good to get out of the house and stay out and not be here on another Saturday night feeling like some sort of invalid.

One of the people there talked about how the walk around Fresh Pond is actually really pretty, so maybe if it's not deathly hot tomorrow, I will go do that. I need to make myself do something tomorrow. Hell, even if it's watching the movies I have, at least that's better than my usual routine of staring at the wall.

Doing things, meeting people, going places, trying to be better... and yet at the end of the day..... I miss you.

Poking around... funny how the internet connection was futzy for some, but mysteriously just fine at all times for another.

I DON'T LIKE BEING LIED TO.

I wish Sundays could be like they sometimes were... that's all I want back. I would be fine with everything else if I just had that, just company, just a friend.

I also wish that *I* could be on vacation somewhere fun. I should have visited Jenn this weekend, because next weekend I can't because I have an appointment after work on Friday, and the weekend after is moving and Mommy being here. Then it will be freakin September already. Yeesh.

Oh, and it's deathly hot today, so the only thing I have done today was go to the corner market for some sustenance. It's sticky nast outside.

It occurred to me this evening that the week I was in Spain there was a notable lack of email from certain sources. I had completely forgotten. More fuel for my Relationships Kill Friendships When People Are Immature theory.

Well, I almost made it the whole day without crying.

Hi world. Hi other world. Please feel free to fucking collide now. Like I fucking need that right now.

Awful but predictable things happen right on command. Ugh. Sworn off, huh? I don't believe you.

Annoying dreams... this morning I'm just so frustrated. Why, why, why do things have to be this way? What did I do? I keep trying to just give up, but I don't want to. I just can't accept that everything could go to hell so quickly.

How can you ever have said you cared about me? How can you ever have said you worried about me? WELL YOU'RE NOT FUCKING WORRYING NOW, BUCKO! As far as I can tell, your life is going perfectly, you have no reason not to be available for me now except that really all along you just hated me and were fucking with me. It would take so little to fix things right now, so very little...

I just had a very nice time hanging out with this person from this newsserver I'm on, and later tonight, I will be hanging out with other people from there. Maybe it's good in some ways to have everything I know come crashing down. I have nothing to lose, so I can be bold and get up the courage to meet new people. What's the worst thing that can happen? I feel sad and lonely. Oh wait, that's not new.

And now... I keep trying to accept this as the way things will be. We will just not be friends because he doesn't want to be friends anymore. But I can't accept that... I don't even know WHY things have come to this. Even if he wrote me to say, I can't deal with our friendship, I can't deal with hurting you, blah blah, at least that would be an explanation. I mean, I know how he gets, but fucking a, he knows this is the wrong thing to do. That's the bottom line: this is wrong, and he knows it. It may seem to be the easy route, but it's not. It is just the dead wrong way to go about things.

Ugh, now I feel all passive-aggressive writing about this, but I don't care. I need to write about it, I need my friends to know what's going on, and it's not like directness has been oh-so-fucking-effective anyway. But hey, just another way he's made me hate myself.

I wish I could tell you the things I know. They might shock you, but everyone ought to know what kind of monsters they're involved with.

I worked quite late last night. I figured I would wear myself out at work, snack enough to take my antibiotics when I got home, and then crash early. This actually worked fairly well. This morning I take the last antibiotics, so those damn things will stop controlling when and what I eat.

It's also nice not to feel like complete crap this morning. It may be the time for boldness.

Change can be deceptive. I had been telling everyone up to a couple of weeks ago how great the last year had been, how free of conflict, how pleasant in interaction. But crisis tests change, sees if it's there in the foundations or just on the surface. Crisis brings out the cowards. And the strong just have to do what they can until it's time to walk away, because even the strong can't change what others control.

I would say I already feel sad, but, then again, I felt sad already.

Yay, Jessica called! Joy of joys! She has a new car, is applying beatdowns where necessary at home, and is starting public health school very soon. I told her the revised version of my woes, and she expressed surprise at the exact phenomenon which I commented on two paragraphs above: how did things change so quickly? Don't ask me, honey, I don't know. But it was great to talk to her, and I had just been thinking earlier this week how much I would like to talk to her.

I should go home. I think I'm afraid of going home and doing nothing.

I also have no food at my house. I haven't been to Star in a jillion years, and now I need to buy so many things that it's too overwhelming. And I'm not supposed to kill myself carrying things. Blargh. I need a car. Or I friend with a car. But I don't have any of those in town that aren't randomly despising me.

Nice people have emailed and called me to see how things are going. People who don't even know me! It's kind of nice, and a little weird. But I guess that's kind of how you get to know new people, by talking back to them.

Typing fast can be a bad thing. I kill off aliases, I type out the full command anyway, without really being slowed down terribly. Bleargh.

But my mood did improve vastly tonight, thanks to the nice people. I just wish things weren't this way.

I was looking at a photo of the class of 2002 from my high school, and I was like, dude, I don't recognize any of these people! Then I read the list of people not pictured, and I realized all the people I knew from that class were not in the damn picture.

I wish there was an uncancel button for those really mysterious non-posts.

May the consequences rest on your conscience.

I don't hate all people in relationships. Some people in relationships still manage to keep their fucking souls intact. But so many people just get sucked into the other person, and they become a horrible person to everyone else on the planet that they used to care about. And then they wonder why no one feels sorry for them when the relationship ends and they have no one. Well fuck you. Some of us have had no one all along, and meanwhile you could have had your significant other and all of your friends and you gave up your friends. So fuck you. That's why I hate people in relationships; they become the worst kind of assholes.

Every morning I wake up cranky and sleepy and vow to go to bed early that night. Every night I stay awake cranky and blurry-eyed wishing I could go to sleep early like I know I need to. When will sleep return? It's looking more and more like never.

I shouldn't be kicking the trash can and crying. I should be kicking you and crying.

I wimped out on Plan Find-Out-What-The-Hell-Is-Going On, and so I'm going with Plan Flail-Madly-And-Wait-Until-Tomorrow-You-Wimp. Now it's kind of late anyway. The internet is being futzy for the jillionth night in a row. I can't deal.

It was so nice to go to work today. Really. Everyone said I looked much better today, and it was so great to be out of the house and doing productive things. I even stayed late it was that super. Mondays, though in theory the worst day of the week, actually go by the fastest, making them one of the more innocuous days in my book. And then tonight I sorted a ton of papers that I've had piling up for like a year. More sorting later, but the big mess is really cleaned.

Ooh, sleepy, but Sorority Life is on at 10:30. And I have to watch reality TV because my own reality is just too ACK to handle.

Yeah, so SL ends with one of the girls crying to another one because she's feeling estranged from a third girl who is her close friend, and she's saying she's lost her already as a friend. And I'm thinking, but at least she's physically present, at least it's possible to have an actual conversation with her, at least she's not hiding out god knows where.

Everything would be fine for now if it weren't for this.

Someone please shoot me if I ever 1) help make problems for a friend; 2) don't really do anything to help fix the problems; 3) proceed to create further problems. I mean really, talk about a winning combo.

If you've been trying to reach this page for the last two days, you noted you couldn't. This was due to a major outage of fas unix services for almost 36 hours. This was very sad since I was kind of stuck in the house feeling bleh all weekend.

In that time, a cooler head prevailed, and I decided to give up the smackdown route and actually start thinking about constructive communication. So I did have something to work on. It's very hard to fight this impulse to smackdown, however.

Summary of point #6: I never know what the hell is going on.

In an attempt to start cleaning out my fas account (esp given the outage, and the file corruption of usernames beginning with m), I moved all my mail folders to my hard drive, and now I'm just working with Inbox, sent-mail, and saved-messages, of all the barbarism. After deleting tons of crap form my account, I couldn't figure out why I still had 25MB of crap in my account. After poking around for 10 minutes, it finally hit me. Duh, webpage.

Speaking of which, I may move this page before the end of August. Have no fear: if you come here, you will get forwarded automagically to the new site. But for reference, the address will be www.bantha.org/~creel. There's stuff through this morning up there now.

I didn't read all the way through the article Storey mentioned on his webpage on coincidence because it's like 7 pages long and it had already started to irritate me. But a few things: 1) yeah, people see patterns in a lot of places where evidence for them is actually scanty when you thrown statistics in the mix. There are lots of examples in the article, but the major point is, look at a table of random numbers, and you'll notice all sorts of spots that don't look "random." That's just the way it happens, and these patterns even out overall. 2) But, any scientist will tell you that finding patterns sometimes requires collecting a lot of data points. Truthfully, in most situations we don't have enough data points to really determine whether there exists a pattern or whether it's just noise. So, while yes, noise in the system can sometimes look like a pattern, sometimes things we think are noise become patterns when we find out more. 3) On that point, it's good for us to see patterns. We find out more about the world in seeing a plan than we would if we didn't, and the detriments are really quite small in comparison. 4) In response to Storey's comments, I think most people who write about our tendency to see patterns would not say that humans are terribly rational. In fact, humans see things in heuristic terms, which is why we can do all the stuff we do with our memories. I also don't think most scientists think humans are the result of random chance. There are laws of physics, ya know. Where those laws came from cannot be proven or disproven as far as science is concerned. I think some of the scientific mind just think it's quite possible that the universe could come to be the way it is without a deity. That doesn't mean it's just random. 5) One thing that irritated me in Freud/Lewis seminar this past semester was the conflation of "determinism" with "believes people just do everything randomly." Actually, that is the opposite.

Protest, despair, apathy. Apathy is the part where you really just can't believe it could really be as awful as it is.

It is good to have learned to curb my knee-jerk, pissed-off response. I feel so much less nervous sending a not-hate-filled email. But still... I'm afraid of being misinterpreted, of having anger read back in. I'm not angry anymore... I'm just... at my freakin' wit's end and just hoping for some resolution.

I waver between feeling good about being strong enough to get through this time all on my own and feeling really depressed about having to be alone through it.

I can't get all in a tizzy about things, because then my stomach just hurts more. My mother suggests that perhaps I have an ulcer.

But I am in a tizzy. You'd think people would be more concerned about and involved with things for which they're partially responsible. Not emotionally distant, not communicationally inept. I can't do the work this week. I have too much to do to just keep on a normal face.

I'm really dazed today. I slept a ton, so I shouldn't be tired, but maybe I got myself up in the middle of a sleep cycle or something. Bleh.

Insert crusty shaking of head.

Goodnight. And goodbye.

Sometimes you have to learn that when someone doesn't care about anyone, even if he claims to care about you more than anyone, he still doesn't care about you. You have to learn it and relearn it until you've got it learned.

Some people say I'm a bitch, but the truth is I lack the sort of cool anger to really smack down. I get upset and forget the really nasty truths I meant to unleash.

I slept very well last night. What a difference a day makes.

Oh, but I'm getting a bit ticked.

I really can't wait to move out of this house. It's time to not live with college kids anymore. The landlord is coming in Thursday, and no one has done a damn thing as far as I can tell to make the place more decent looking. And the fridge and freezer down here reek, and I refuse to clean it because the smell is not coming from anything I left in there because I'm neurotic about wrapping things up and freezing things that need to be frozen and throwing smelly things away after a while. I'm tired of cleaning other people's shit, and I'm tired of wanting to vomit every time I open the damn thing. I have barely been able to eat this week, and it doesn't help that whenever I open the fridge I am met with rotting smells. I was even direct about it, and I got nowhere. I refuse to care at this point, because I have more important things to deal with right now and I'm just not physically capable of doing anything.

I got home today and the internet was being crappy AGAIN, and suddenly I realized how much anger and resentment had built up about everything. But, fortunately for them, no one is ever around for me to release my anger onto, so I get to keep it all stewing inside me.

Insomnia is a terrible friend.

My sleeping is all weird. Although if I go back to bed now, I might be able to normalize it somewhat. I still feel bleh.

Hi overactive imagination. PLEASE MAKE ME NEUROTIC.

Further neurosis from the internet world: searching out people you know. Taking what they have to say too literally. But why would they say that if they weren't happy with me? I'm sure it wasn't meant that way. And around and around in circles.

Urgh, onto other topics. Friday was a busy day, not helped by the sudden uncooperativeness of my stomach. I think it would be better if my digestive system were showing standard signs of distress, such as the fleeing of bodily fluids from one end or another. But there has been none of that, just a kind of bleh-ness. This could be for any number of reasons, the two most obvious culprits being 1) breakfast sausage from the freezer which really should have still been good and tasted fine, but which I might toss anyway now; and 2) licking cookie dough off of my fingers. If it were food poisoning, however, I would think it would get worse or cause those more obvious signs of gastrointestinal distress. I'm left wondering if it's not a big ol' case of psychosomatics. Bleh.

Anyway, Friday was Jessica's last day, which is very sad because she is extremely cool and just a wonderful person to have around. I managed to make all the phone calls I needed to, despite my feeling of ickiness. After work, Holly, Jessica and I went to have a drink (see, again, a glass of wine didn't bother me, but I couldn't eat much dinner) before we met Nancy and Jennifer for the Duck Tour. It was fun, and I was on the inside part of the seat so the rain didn't get me.

After that, we went to Jeff's house for the BBQ. I snacked but didn't eat; people liked my cookies. After that Jessica, Jennifer, other Jeff and I went out, and I managed to have a pear cider (like those ones at my house in June), which actually made me feel better because it's so mild. I also snacked and generally didn't die, which was great. Then home later than I've been home in a while; yay Night Owl bus.

Yesterday I got up around 3, went back to bed around 10. I watched Amelie in that span. Storey's criticism of the movie is actually its point; being silly and having strategems is all well and good, but in the end you have to be straight up to really act productively. I liked it lots, though perhaps it was not the movie to watch in my mental blahness.

People are going to ask me about this blahness, I know it. Just don't. I don't want to talk about it for the thousandth time.

Oh. No.

The internet is being broken. I'll post tomorrow when it's not fucking pissing me off.