If you're really so bold, come and get it.

But I think that you're problem from the beginning has precisely been insufficient boldness. I think your rivals would surprise you.

I think I do feel a lot better about things in general, I'm slowly coming to terms with the new reality I'm facing. I can preserve the most important things.

What a lovely weekend.

Friday I did nothing much of value, but it was great. Zoomed over to North Station to meet M for our voyage to Rockport. He made it in on the other train, and off we went. He snoozed a little, and I watched the trees.

The hotel was in a great spot not too far from the train and right near the center of town while still being off on a quiet street (except for the church next door whose bells rang at all hours, but the really early hours were hard to hear because the ringing was over so fast). The room was cozy, but cute and had a TV and fridge and all, so it was great. The owner of the place was incredibly nice and helpful and gave us advice about where to eat.

We wandered around town a little before settling on a dinner spot. I ordered a full size of assorted fried seafood, when I really shoulda got the half, but we had delightful leftovers for the next day. It was delicious and insanely fresh. There was a nice harborview, which was pretty true of most places that didn't have an Atlantic view. After dinner we wandered around a bit more, peeking in stores and walking to the ends of piers, then we went to the hotel and watched TV and crashed.

Saturday it poured all morning, but that was okay because we slept through the whole morning. Poor kid doesn't sleep all week, so he needs extra sleep on the weekends, and I can sleep any time. By the time we left the hotel, it was one and had stopped raining, but was cool and overcast. We had lunch and then hit the stores to find M a sweatshirt so we could wander the windswept rocks. It was mighty chilly, but we were properly dressed, so we had a wonderful walk, even though I encouraged us into a sort of jungle for part of it. There was this rock that indicated a nature reserve in honor of some guy, and there was a path, but we took it a bit longer than it was really much of a path. We needed a machete. So we got a little damp with all the plants and high grass, but it was amusing.

Back in town we took a break at the hotel and watched the Sox game until it looked like the Yankees had it wrapped up, so we went to dinner. Turns out the Sox came back and won! But i'm sure they wouldn't have if we'd kept watching.

We had lobsters for dinner, which was great, and I love dismantling lobster. And it's also delicious. I brought wine, since Rockport is a dry town and doesn't sell any liquor, but they sure don't care if you bring it, and the restaurant had buckets with ice and glasses and the whole nine yards for the wine. Which was good, cuz I didn't bring a corkscrew, so it was either the restaurant or never for drinking it. I insisted we drink the whole thing at dinner, which isn't that much for two people, but M said I made him tipsy. :-)

We thought about getting photos at one of those places where you dress up and they give you a sepia print, like the one of my mom and I when I was real little (and she told me it was some variety of ancestor and had me fooled for years!), but it was totally way too overpriced. So we got ice cream and walked around some more before hitting the hay.

Today was sunny and beautiful! But we had to check out of the hotel, and while we got to leave our bags at the desk while we had lunch and a nice walk, it would have been inconvenient to try to hit the beach. Would have been a salty and damp ride back on the train/shuttle/train/train/train (DNC in Boston = fun on the commuter rail). So we had brunch and walked north of town and sat on some rocks out there, and I was mostly successful at enjoying the moment instead of being forlorn about my imminent move.

So our last bit in Rockport was sunny and joyous, and we headed to the train for the lengthy but smooth voyage home.

We got to Cherry and the house was quiet, which I guess it had been all weekend, for once. We hung out with the kids, went to Star for dinner supplies, and M made tacos with minor help from me. It was low-key time until Six Feet Under, which was crazy as usual, and I'm kinda not sad to have missed last week's ep, though I'm sure I'll have to watch it at some point even though it looked traumatic. Then off to home, the end of a fun weekend.

I'm still trying not to be forlorn about how little time is left, but it's hard because now it's really close. I have three days left at work. Less than three weeks here. I'm really excited about school, about my new apartment, about discovering Baltimore. It's what I want to do. But it's sad to leave behind all my friends, and it's frustrating to leave M when things are going well and I really do adore him more than I ever thought possible. Why didn't I leave when things sucked and I hated everyone in this town!

But it's probably better that I didn't, that I fought it out and made amends with this town and connected with new people and got my brain in order to take on the next thing with confidence in all aspects of my life. I can't stand how I'm leaving when I'm so happy right now, but I'm also insanely happy to be going in a direction I truly have chosen, on a path I not only will enjoy but which holds great promise for my own successful contribution to the world. And that doesn't alleviate or negate this ache, the heartbreak of looking into that sunny face and knowing I won't have the fortune to do so much longer. Gah. Just stop on that hurt a moment. But it does keep me from paralysis, it keeps me directed forward.

Even when it does suck a lot. A lot a lot.

Last day of work this week wooooo!

I took a nap last night from like 8 to 12:30, got up for a couple of hours to IM and bum around, then slept again from 2:30 to 7:30. Cra-zay. Tomorrow I'm gonna sleep in a billion!

I'm so moody these days, with the moving so soon and all. I change my mind about things seven hundred times a day.

Last night people lamed out on recess cuz we didn't have a ball with us right away, so I ended up slumming it in the BR most of the evening. I ended up being the only one there when Morgan called, which made me kinda sad. But I'm moving soon, so no more being the BR for me!

Then there was karaoke. I sang Steppin' Out, which is the song we all got stuck in our heads but didn't know what it was. Turns out I didn't really remember it that well, and it was all too low, but it tickled my brain because I just remember it from when I was a kid. Late in the evening I sang Chain of Fools, with a spirited introduction because I was irrationally mad at the perfectly reasonable departure time of my boyfriend. I had a sniffly discussion with Mike about my leaving, but then I felt much better upon our departure and my return home to a cute email.

Zoom zoom zoom around the emotional spectrum!

There were a buttload of people there last night for our group, but i wish they would be smarter about how many last call pitchers we get, because too often we're trying to drink them down as they're kicking us out, and I'd rather just not have to pay for them!

Lots of changes coming up... I'm leaving, Dave is off to Thailand, and the Cube will soon be no more! Someone bought the place and they want to renovate the whole thing, so out they go. The end of an era. I hope they find another brick structure to live in.

Tonight I need sleep.

You know, the last week was just exhausting.

Friday night I had dinner with Ericka, and then later people came over for Mindy's birthday. She made brownies and there was ice cream and beer. Pretty chill night, fun.

Saturday was nuts.

Oh, I guess I can expand. First stop was the Sam Adams factory for a really great tour. Q met up with the posse, and stuck around the whole sordid day. For those outside the loop, Clark came up with a scavenger hunt. It included bars to visit, drinks to get, embarrassing things to do, and fun stuff to obtain. I was on Team Planning, M's managerialesque squad of super planners. Team Enthusiasm was lead by Clark of recent 21-ness, hence his enthusiasm at the novelty of all the bar drinking. And then Team Brute Force, lead by Danny of immense drinking fame.

After the factory, we hit downtown. Between bars and slice #1 of pizza (and me breaking my Sam Adams glass when it fell out of my bag), we did a cartoon cat dance in front of Faneuil Hall. Two groups made the Park St. checkpoint at 3:30... but Team Brute Force was energized by the 200 point loss for lateness. Team Planning failed to pass through a change in the end-of-the-evening timing, a change which may have made the end of the evening less stressful, or may have made things worse. We'll never know, I guess.

Before the dinner checkpoint, we hit Harvard Square, the kids went to the library for a secret shot, and then I spoke in an English accent at John Harvard's over a sampler and pizza slice #2 for everyone. After another bar stop, we were off to North End, where we mostly wandered aimlessly until settling at a cheap place where I finished my pizza challenge and others ate something else. Cannolis were purchased while M and I got really lost and I saw a park I didn't know existed. I think. :-/

Somehow we got to Central! Jaeger on tap!

The rest of the kids took care of their pizza challenge, and Q and I walked to Whole Foods. They don't have beer at that one, but I felt a lot more sober after the walk. So I ordered a beer at People's and shot some darts.

It was off to the races. Q and I stopped at Liquor World, did a little wine tasting, and then dragged a bottle of irish creme home just in time to finish the last bits of scavenger hunt. Woo. This is where I suspect the extra time at the house we'd proposed may have helped. Everyone got so hyper trying to finish by the deadline that people were waaaaaaay too wired and taking things too seriously.

I always end up in the wrong place at the wrong time in the wrong condition. In this case, I felt the need to defend someone and tell someone else (accurately) that they were being a jerk, but it seemed to just lead to a lot of yelling.

But after people left, it was all good, and still before midnight when we went to sleep.

I had a wicked headache the next day, to no one's surprise. But food and Advil cured all, and I felt surprisingly great most of the day. I went out to Jen's pool party, and with one moment's exception, it was fun and congenial. She has a lovely house in the middle of a foresty place, and a great pool and hot tub.

The exception: I've concluded over the year's that it's generally better to be generous with apologies, because it's easier to be congenial and civil than not. But when the acceptor is sort of a jerkface about it, it makes me rethink this policy with certain types of people.

Namely with jerkfaces. I'm probably more annoyed now than I was in the first place. After all, he escalated things when they were probably losing steam.

In conclusion, I'm really glad this weekend is over.

Next weekend should be vastly more relaxing, as M and I are going to Rockport. Even if it rains the whole time, at least we'll be away from the madness of Camb/Somerville.

Post meeting and lunch, I am feeling vastly better and more peppy. Though during today's meeting it really hit home that I have seven more days of work (well, 6 and a couple hours), and after that, all these projects are out of my hands! I'm going to be thinking about completely new things soon enough. WEIRD. But Court is extraordinarily on top of things and has picked up a ton in the short time she's been here, so I have no concerns whatsoever in leaving.

It's just WEIRD!

Catching up on my accounts, this Saturday's spending was not much worse than a big day at one bar, and it probably worked out better in the end because it took more time and required so much walking.

But, the birthdays keep coming. Jack's was tonight, so I had a nice little white wine at Shay's. He was in a good mood, and has a new phone to replace the one he destroyed Saturday. Good times. And I didn't even have to take the bus home cuz Loren drove.

Warm fuzzies from M kissing my hand so very cutely when I left.

We didn't end up visiting the library... maybe next week.

Hung out with da kids last night for some scrumptious food. And toally disturbing conversations! Including a horrifying comparison to a clown car!

I don't want to work any more this week.

It was pretty rough leaving the house at 11 pm to *start* the evening, but Clark's 21st could not be missed! We went to Uno's, and tons of people showed. M was given hell for getting a mudslide, esp cuz it came with a pink straw, but I had one too, and damn they were delicious. So I conclude my boyfriend is very smart. Clark had several fine beverages, then it was off to the Kong where we nearly killed him with Scoropin Bowls and the traditional flaming shot. But I think he survived.

Saturday none of us may survive.

This morning I went to coffee with Q, who I neglected to call at all after he called me on the 4th. He may come on the Sam Adams tour this weekend. He told me that Aaron is in NY working in investment banking this summer, and that he's so popular at the company that they tried to lure him away from his last two years of school! Hilarious. He's settling into his dorm existence, saving money to visit his sweetie down at Duke. That's rough, but like I told him, way better for them to go to school where they need to than to have one of them resent the other, cuz resentment will never be cured whereas separation will be.

I am sleepy. But today we're going to visit the library, and esp the head of Phineas Gage.

Dear readers!
If you have my post address, you should know that it is now creel@post. Change it! Love it!

Huh, I forgot how many places I used that post address... oh well, some pain in the short term, but creel@post forever!

After our exchange, I turned to DM, and he asked, "What was that all about?" The first word that popped out was, "Aggression." I left it at that because it sounded right. Isn't it what happens when two people have something the other wants but can't have?

Truly, when I reminisce, what a night it was in the grand scheme. In one moment, I was penning some thoughts, and had just started the first sentence of a new puzzle... I was interrupted by another world. Picking up that scrap the next day, I thought I was reading ancient thoughts. But they're not ancient thoughts, they followed me to this day. I can see what the straight and vastly more logical course would have looked like almost as clearly as if it had happened in this world. But it remains just a puzzle.

But who knows when and where the course will veer vastly yet again?

But in this world, I was pleasurably reminded of the second moment on which the world turned that night, that naughty glint in the eye, that dashing swig, the way my heart outdanced my lying brain.

Anyway. Today is going slowly. Teaching new folks, esp Court, is super fun. But it also makes the day long because a lot more thoughts are chugging through my brain.

Karaoke last night was pretty good. I sang Roadhouse Blues by the Doors. It was decent. I actually sat at the bar, which was a fun change, and it's always cool to chill with the best bartender in town.

Tonight is Clark's birthday come midnight, which means some late celebrating!

In tragic Splenda news, Hood's Carb Counter peach yogurt is HORRIBLE. It is not only a hideous shade of orage, but it also tastes like plastic. Ewwwwwww.

It is so friggin dark outside! It's supposed to rain all week. Too bad I'm helping Ericka move in tonight!

I just want love.

My boy is super cute. And not at all smelly, contrary to things I tell him in his dreams.

I had fun going out with the kids to John Harvard's tonight, but damn, I am so sick of paying extra every time I go out with the youngins. Tonight I had to pay a couple dollars extra, and one girl who didn't have to pay cuz her soup was forgotten for a while even chipped in a couple of bucks for the tip (cuz the waiter was cool, even if the kitchen was fucked up). So some one or ones just underpaid. Fucken annoying. Why can't people just pay enough!

This weekend was mostly good, but it kinda sucked in other ways. Little disappointments have been plaguing me. I think it's a function of too little time left... with lots of time ahead, little things aren't troubling, because they can be overcome, or, if not, bad avenues can be abandoned. With so little time left, I want things to be perfect, but ultimately I have to take what I get.

Friday night we went to Ryles to see this band. It was pretty fun, and I got to dance a little, and it was pretty chill over all. We even caught the bus back. Saturday was pizza day... Darryl directed pizza-making, and they were completely delicious. That night we saw Anchorman, which was consistently funny throughout, and Steve Carell was especially entertaining.

On the way back, the kids went to get the T at Kenmore, and M and I went to Fenway stop since I could use my bus pass there. Those kids are so damn slow... we beat them to Park! Even though we had to wait for the D line! So we got on the Red Line before them, but we got to MGH and the train died. About that time all these people were leaving the Hatch Shell from some event, so the place got real crowded. M and I decided to cross the river by foot, which was good. The kids on the train behind us had to wait at Park forever, and then all those people who got off our train plus all the new people waiting crammed onto their train. Things had cleared by the time we got to Kendall, so we got on the T there, and ended up having to wait a bit, but I played the metal pipes there, which was fun.

We then proceeded to have a sort of party, and everyone drank a lot. Steel Reserve, thanks for all the fun. :p

A group of us went to the Arboretum kinda early on Sunday, cuz I wanted to go on the tour. I was minus my boy, who wasn't about to move much. The tour was all right, but I might have rather wandered around a but more. Then again, I wasn't feeling so amazing myself, so when people were pretty much ready to go after the tour, I was with them all the way.

Today I didn't have work. I got up really late, did laundry (finally! There were several people trying to do laundry today! Damn grad students!), and then went grocery shopping. Then this evening was the aforementioned John Harvard's.

Part of today I spent daydreaming about what my new apartment will be like. I wish I could paint a picture of the miraculous happiness that will be living alone!

Oh my god, I found two huge fucking flying bugs in the bathroom since I got home. Fortunately, they are not terrible swift and can be easily killed. BUT EW.

Now I'm feeling all bummered.

My heart breaks a little more every day.

Why doesn't yours?

I really like Bob Herbert's column today in the NYT on the real divide between the two major sides in this race being exemplified by the veep candidates.

After reading about the increasing rate of elective c-sections, and their complications versus complications of vaginal delivery, I'm definitely convinced I want to have my kids through adoption!

How bout an update?

Friday night, M and I went to see Harry Potter. Had some nice dinner at a new place, and the movie was good. Afterwards we went to the liquor store down there, which turned out to be pretty good and, more importantly, had Steel Reserve. Went back to the house, where there were lots of kids, and Mindy made delicious brownies for brownie sundaes. I spent a lot of time there sitting outside, since it was lovely on the porch.

Saturday was the Mt. Auburn Cemetary excursion, which was fun except when it was maddening. The cemetary is huge and cool, and we went up the tower, which I hadn't done the one other time I was there. It has just the most amazing view, since it's also on a considerable hill. You can stand right up there on the roof and see everything all around. We lounged around quite a bit, not really walking a ton. Things went south when we went to Star to get some wine and cheese. People were sort of generally useless most of the day, but it really started to irk me around then. It doesn't help that the advice I get is that if I organize something, people expect me to tell them what to do, when said person completely neglected to heed prior vital directions from my email. But anyway. I ended up breaking away from the group's leisurely pace after hearing people whine about all the walking we had to do to get to the park where we'd have our picnic (once again, people not reading my email), and the walk gave me time to hate less. I also drank a bunch of wine when we got there, which made me giddy.

Jenn came to town, and hung out most of the night. It was kind of an early evening, just watched some Reno.

Next morning Jenn arrived feeling like crap. She'd only had a couple of drinks, so hangover didn't match, and turns out she felt crappy for days, so she musta caught something or inhaled some gluten or something. We tried to go to Davis for some food, but she felt yuck, so we went to my house and she took a nap. We had planned to go to the wedding, but it wasn't in the cards, though I was still happy to wear my sundress. We did manage to get the keg, though it took two trips, since they required a Mass license, and we didn't have one. So Danny came on the second trip. I was psyched that a) I successfully collected lots of money from the kids for the war effort; and b) Jenn was smart enough to suggest a keg. Oh, I guess c) that Kappy's was open and had kegs.

Jenn slept through much of the barbecue, and I didn't feel like going to the wedding by myself, so I decided just to have fun at the Cube. It was just a really nice, chill time, with tons of delicious food. We went to see fireworks up on Summer St, where the view was sort of obstructed, but still it was nice to stand out on the balcony, and I had a snuggly boy to keep the breeze from making me cold.

Monday was annoying as hell. Jamie wanted to go to Fire and Ice for lunch, which was cool and all. But I just couldn't fathom eating more after the BBQ, and I needed a shower, so I went to my house and chilled there a bit. I was given bad and un-updated news on when lunch would finish and we would go to see Spiderman (and I think one original plan was also to see F911, but that plan went away), so I ended up bored in the square for a long-ass time. Then the movie was expensive. And I only thought it was okay. It was more about angst than the first one, but it wasn't angst I could get into. But the movie ended up being free, because M had noted and complained before the movie that the projection was weird on the screen and the top and bottom seemed cut off, or maybe it was just too small or something. They told him it would change when the movie started, and it didn't. I thought they would just give us free passes, but they actually just refunded our money, which I felt kinda bad about, since I have to say this projection issue didn't hamper my enjoyment or lack thereof. But, whatever.

Tuesday night karaoke was pretty good. I sang American Woman and Goodbye Yellow Brick Road. The first song wasn't so bad, but the second one I warbled and howled drunkenly. I'm sure it was terrible, but I don't think most people heard much because they were singing along. In other news, I'm still terribly terribly at a loss. In some ways, it's maybe good my time here is short. I guess I'm not the only one.

Last night I took a nap after work, as I felt like crap due to beer still hurting me, but then I got up and played some hoops for recess. Even when I'm tired, basketball inspires me to hustle. I'm so competitive. I felt loads better afterwards.

Today I sent off my paper! Wooooo!

I also got my Kubrick box set, which is just so full of amazing movies.

Wow, Friendster is so nuts! My best friend from middle school just messaged me!

Oh, I forgot a super great part of the 4th! Matty wore the Captain Matt pin I got him! It was superdorkycute.

Also, he babbled incoherently about the 14th floor and the 16th floor of some undetermined edifice being where the nose-cutting tools are, and also that I was going to start a corporation of tickling. But I don't think he was so much totally awake when these remarks were made.

I'll get to the weekend tomorrow, when I have time. I'm sleepy. The hardest part about a three-day weekend is when it ends, and I have to go to work tomorrow, and I'm home all alone.

I have to wonder if this mystery will be solved before I go, or if it will always remain in doubt what's really going on in that head.

In honor of the jubilee, and past parallels: Paradise was winding down in Ohio. I was mostly concerned about losing touch with my love (of four weeks, but sometimes these connections don't know the bounds of time). But the other part of the story is that I got a letter. She had written in my book that she would give me this letter. She came with us to the airport (an hour and a half away, so by then my tears had dried from the image of my "marshmallow" running after the van until it disappeared around the bend), and as I stood up to enter the gate, she handed me the letter and told me not to open it until I was up in the air. True to my word I was, but I didn't need to read it to know what it said.

Since then I've had wider, wiser eyes.

Last night's recess was Ultimate Frisbee, which I thought I would hate and only sort of did. Turns out I can generally catch a frisbee. And I can sometimes throw one. But I'm still pretty short. Nonetheless, I discovered the game is less like soccer than I thought, and more like basketball combined with football. Which made me like it better.

Only in Boston are there loud thunderstorms at 4 am, I swear. I awoke to an absolute downpour, but it was sunny and nearly all dried up when I left the house.

This weekend will be endless fun. Tonight, M and I will probably go see Harry Potter after some dinner. Tomorrow after a sleep-in there will be an excursion to Mt. Auburn Cemetary followed by a wine and cheese picnic. Sunday will be a blow-out barbecue, and probably much fullness and intoxication. (Oooh, also, Dorothy and Diana are getting married in mem Church, which is just so awesome!) And Monday who knows, but it will probably involve sleeping in and recovering.

Also, Jenn will be here! And Jamie!