When did that happen? How did I not notice it?! Musta happened over break, since I check that damn site every day otherwise... *I* was supposed to be the next one to escalate in this arms race! ME! *I'm* the goddamn fabulous one! This means war, bitch!

Boooooooooooo.

Okay, I'm not really mad, I'm just being silly. But booooooo.

This does remind me that certain outcomes had better be awesome or I will totally go ape and burn down the world.

I should really, like, do some work, since I think every other evening this week I'm going out at least for a little while.

Woo vacation!

I'm catching up on vast quantities of internet. It's a little dumb that with so little to do, I didn't have internet to keep up with, but that's okay. It doesn't hurt to get away for a few days.

So let's see. Packing went extremely well, as I managed to shove all my clothes in the red rolly bag. This lead me to bring my laptop also, as I could use it for my seminar midterm, and Jeff was bugging me to finish my manuscript. The midterms went well, esp Biostats, even though the answer key isn't up yet. I figured out the hard one, so I feel good overall. After my seminar midterm (during which I was grateful for the laptop so I could assemble my confuzzled thoughts into something vaguely coherent), I ran out to the street and hopped into a cab. Well, I feel into it, as I fell off the curb and twisted my ankle. But not badly.

Damn cab cost $30. I hate cabs.

I also got to the airport quite early, and security wasn't bad at all. But no telling what would have happened if I'd cheaped out and taken the light rail... it might have been a lot busier later. The flight to the Nati was short, and the flight to ABQ was muy bumpy, with much turbulence. I managed to do some reading for a while, until my brain was like, okay, this is enough for today.

My dad's new house is nice, and Am's is too. I got to meet Am's boy, and he is cool. Not like those other jerks, har! Tink is still crazy. Things are different, but the same. I tried to call Jeff on Weds, but he never called me back, so screw the manuscript, it's vacay!

We went to my uncle and aunt's house for the turkey and football. That was fun, and my cousins are a whole lot bigger than when I saw them last. The night before me and Am and her boy Iggy and Josh went to a bar and played darts and I figured out how to chuck them like a short throw from second to first. If that makes sense. Friday we made tempura at Iggy's and drank wine and watched Run Lola Run. Saturday there was basketball with dad, which was a sloppy ugly game, and then later poker and this Balderdashesque game with sayings with the kids. I actually did rather well at Texas Hold 'Em! Sunday we mostly bummed around and watched football (cept Am, she did homework). The flights today weren't bad... escaped any weather. The plane from ATL to BWI was muy small, 50 seater.

So it was good vacation. I solidified my next vacation, capping off the end with a flight back from Boston on the 13th of January. It's going to be a wild rush until then. This coming weekend is dollar days in the downtown area, so I can go to the museums and tourist crap for only a dollar each! Oh, also this week I'm gonna hang with that boy in the history dept again for some yale-beating celebration, since before break was too crazy. Maybe I'll get this other guy to hang out with my at happy hour. I had dinner with my friend tonight since neither of us felt like cooking, which was cool, esp since it also meant she drove me and my crap home. So, social life yay. The weekend after that will be paper writing, then the next weekend will be finals hell, and then vacation! Christmas weekend at home, New Years weekend in Boston, and the one after too, with Cornell game. Then back to B-more for a couple of weekends before school starts again. All too soon.

This has been completely disjointed. Maybe my brain is still on vacation.

Feeling tons better today. I don't know what was wrong with me yesterday, but I didn't really enjoy the funk I was in. But maybe I got out all my moping about everything, and now it's time to build up a new narrative, a positive story about the world. I've been ruminating, spinning a bad tale of being unloved. There are better ways to look at reality, though.

This is useful. Seeking calmness is a way to seek the mentality I want to have.

Support, love, engagement, energy, curiousity... they come from here.

Even though I feel lots better, I am a bit overwhelmed at the moment... I finished studying for Biostats, and I studied for seminar, but I can't say as I'm totally confident I'll be able to remember everything I need to answer the questions happily. I'm just hoping out of the 14 possible, the 6 on the exam from which I will answer 4 will be sane questions. Some of the questions really aren't very good.

Then, to the airport! I'm going to have to hop in a cab to get there in time, I think. But then, vacation!

Of course, I intend to do reading on the plane, but we'll see.

Gotta pack!

Bleargh bleargh. So, I guess I will bring my laptop, since I somehow managed to fit 6 days worth of clothes into the same bag I've been putting three days worth (that towel makes a difference, I guess), and now it serves two purposes, namely typing my midterm tomorrow and working on my damn manuscript, which I guess really ought to get done so the publisher will be happy and publish it.

I hate dealing with security, though.

I finally watched Spinal Tap from beginning to end! Yay TV!

*sigh* I briefly thought of it earlier today, but didn't dwell on it... now reminded more fully, I just feel sad. Why can't I be happy too?

But, nice email, plans, keep moving forward. It's just so fucking hard.

I decided to be a good girl and write my paper instead of watching foorball and doing Biostats, which can wait. I turned on the Cowboys/Raven at halftime to see the score, which was 3-0 Dallas, and now I turn it on and it's 30-3 Ravens! Dang!

My paper is about 20% too long, but 750-1000 words is just not enough, so fuckit. Four pages is not that painful to read, especially when it's only mildly academic.

Oh my God, I have to pack tomorrow night! The fuck? This has completely snuck up on me. But yay going home!

Why do I feel so crappy today? This sucks.

Refuckingdecorating.

No drunk phone calls last night. Never any email, no love at all. Why bother to have any fucking friends when they stop caring as soon as you leave?

Naw, that's not totally true, I do have some homies who still put my on group emails even though I'm not in town, people who IM me.

But... maybe it's just this weekend, makes me dour. I suspect the only reason to keep me around as a friend is gone, and I should prepare myself now for less and less effort on that front. It's hard to believe I ever really mattered...

Maybe I just need to go home.

Gah, I'm not being at all fair... I just need someone to pat my head and tell me I'm okay.

How lame that I couldn't go to The Game this year... first one I've missed since I started college. At least it's on TV.

Woo, that was an asskicking! Awesome. I even saw the Band a little here and there!

After pondering how I ought not to go to Cambridge in December, today's game made me want to see the video and all the kids, and tickets are cheap again. Hrm. But maybe I'm too old to go to the Xmas party. And maybe I should get more work done. Perhaps if tickets are still cheap post-Thanksgiving, and if I get lots of work done then, and if the party is the weekend I think it will be, then I'll go. I dunno.

I hate writing papers! Only two hours until it's due... only five pages, of which three are done, but I think some cutting will have to happen once I finish the second part, cuz it's already going over with my drafty parts there.

Then I wil have a beer and veg in front of the TV for several hours, until I crash.

Paper done after some hacking from 6 pages to 5. It's much more direct that way!

People drive me fucking crazy. First off, I'm in this study group for one exam, and we had evenly divided 14 questions among the 7 of us. One of the girls, trying to be nice, I guess, unilaterally decided with this girl from the other study group that we would swap answers with them (meaning we'd have to finish ours earlier also), and we'd also have to take on an extra person (and not a useful one at that) so that everyone in the class could be in one or the other group. Um, please don't just decide things without asking, thanks! Rar. Second off, there is apparently happy hour tonight, but I never got any email about it.

I went to bed last night with a searing headache, but I didn't take anything, since I figured it would go away. I woke up mildly headachy, but feeling like flaming death, so I popped an Advil (I've become so sparing with NSAIDs), and went back to bed. Biostats is just midterm review today, and I couldn't bear to deal with that when I felt so crappy... I distinctly remember thinking at the last review, why the hell am I here for this crap!

Coffee date this afternoon, and then I really have to start this stupid paper... it's only a five-pager, due by email at 4 tomorrow, so I can totally finish it tomorrow, but I ought to get something down today.

Coffee time was very fun. Yay meeting new people! And yay it being nice enough to sit outside!

Now I have no motivation to start writing this paper... blargh.

In crap news, I wish I'd remembered there was a problem set due today when I ditched biostats... I emailed it in just now claiming illness. I don't think it matters tons.

I still don't seem to have an official grade yet for my fourth class last term, but I ought to have got an A based on the paper I got back today. Woo straigh As!

Woo coffee later this week. And volleyball tonight with some post-win dinner. That almost looks like a social life.

I'm inclined to actually not go back to Boston in December, since there are really only a couple of non-final weekends, and it would be sort of nice to try to see if I can have a social life here.

I wish my brain would stick with one line of thinking instead of zipping back and forth between opposing views. Namely, I'd rather stick the with the positive outlook, thanks.

Well, we lost our semifinal game, so no getting to beat Douchey McDoucheteam for us. But the team who beat us ought to easily beat their asses.

I don't really have anything in my house I want to eat for dinner.

Oh my goodness, it looks like I'm gonna be in JAMA!

Okay, as an anonymous study participant, not as an author, but still, way cool. I was poking around to see if the study had been published yet, and the primary investigator's webpage had an in press article listed that sounds very much like the study results. I can't wait!

I have two theories about the sudden burst in Friendster messages: 1) I can actually make things happen merely through force of will. I may have made some really minor alterations to my Frienster profile lately, but really nothing that would suddenly make people see my profile. Therefore, my simple deciding to meet people has made them come knocking down my door. Or 2) the time of year is such that people are ready to meet other people. Esp students, now that school is a little more routine. Also, changing weather, less to do post-baseball and election. Probably other factors could be hypothesized.

I really like the first theory, but I can really only conscience belief in the second one.

At 6:30 pm: incredible drowsiness causing a nap followed by more drowsiness. 11:00 pm: awake as fucking hell. But at least I finished my problem set. I can always sleep between classes tomorrow.

I'm finding myself struggling against full-blown wallowy nostalgia mode. I need to go to bed, but I'm afraid if I don't fall asleep right away, my brain will run wild and then I'll just be really sad.

Argh.

Back in B-more again...

It's a process, this progress. It's not easy to let go of things that are wonderful. But, there are good things that can remain, and good things yet to find.

Also, it's nice to know there are other people in Baltimore who are bored and miss Boston.

My poor knee got so mangled tonight! I scraped it last week diving for a ball, and I landed on it twice more tonight. Fortunately I was wearing sweatpants to cover the bus abuse, so I could hide my bloody knee until after we won the game. I'll have to wrap it up for the tournament Wednesday.

This weekend was good. It kicked my ass in so many ways. Some were even good. Like, realizing I need to work a lot harder to be happy in Baltimore. I need to meet people and be active about it. I'm not going to magically find people I like just by sitting around; I don't like most people, so I need to meet more people so I have a better chance of finding people I like.

We won the Ivy championship! All the sweeter done at Penn, where I've only seen heartbreaking losses! Better all the more for how dominant the win was. Too bad the Ivy presidents are dumb and won't let football do postseason.

The rest of the trip was mostly good (except Olson hovering around all day... clearly he's picked up the wrong message about how to ignore what's going on as actively as possible). I mostly had fun on the bus ride back up, though I did get way too drunk and then I wasn't hungry when we stopped for dinner, which sucked. But I feel okay this morning. The bus beat me up a bit for my dancing, as illustrated by a number of bruises today. I got to lead the engineer song. There was some bit with a banana too I can't quite recall... :-/ Anyway, I also got to meet some nice frosh, and its always good to see the kids.

But I don't think I'm being unreasonable. I'm not setting my standard for attention very high, so I think when it fails to meet "talks to me as much as every other person in the Band including freshmen who don't know me," I don't think its unreasonable of me to be somewhat annoyed. But hey, I should just step back and let people be emotionally dysfunctional if that's how they have to deal... I'm officially done caring until I have reason to feel otherwise.

Brunch time!

Ah, I love wavering between fierceness and depression...

One thing I decided is that there are still a lot of reasons to spend time here. No point letting the disappointing aspects keep me from seeing all my friends.

Furthermore, it's time to start broadening my outlook. I'm ready; it's time.

Okay, I feel tons better. Everyone on the same page, expectations aligned. I also got to vent about the rest of my life that's bothering me, which was nice. So, I can go home tomorrow feeling really good about this weekend. :-)

The couple of months before I turned 21 were by far the worst in terms of really really wanting to go out with my friends to bars. Likewise, the days before I see people are the days I can stand it the least. It's like, I'm so close, but I still gotta get through the next day and a half.

I wish my fourth class would report a grade already. It's the only one I wasn't sure about. The rest were A's.

Me do work what? I had more urgent things to do, like a minor site overhaul, thanks to Anthony linking me. Plus the webstats tell me there are all sorts of people looking at this site who I can't identify, and while I don't care what kind of trash I put up there for my friends, the thought that people who don't know might look at this and glean that I am incredibly lazy has motivated me.

Other things they might glean clearly do not trouble me.

I'd like to take this opportunity to mention 2 things: 1) I have gmail invites, so shoot me an email if you want one (it's on the guest page), and 2) I put the entry times for this webjournal in the source, but they're not visible. Would it be useful to have them visible? Or not really? Opinions on both sides solicited (otherwise there will be a positive bias, I'm sure).

Another year, another senior staff chosen. This is unfathomably the 8th one I have seen. Well, I guess I didn't *see* this one, since I'm not around, but I will be this weekend, and plus I still know them all. Anyway, sick, dude. They are delightful kids and probably will not break things. :-) And as always, there are sad deserving folks, but I hope they will not feel sad for too long.

Also, this computer is really starting to get on my nerves. I dunno if it's the new hard drive or if I need to reinstall the OS or what. But it does crap like freeze for no discernible reason and I wanna punch it.

I play volleyabll 100x better when I'm not a) sick or b) exhausted, as I was the last two weeks, when I was worthless on the court. Also, one of my teammates was very helpful giving me pointers during warmup.

I hope we get to play and beat Douchy McDoucheTeam. We played these guys week 3, and we only had 5 players, which is fine, but they had 7. So we were like, hey, we can play with five, but we don't mind playing with six if your extra wants to join us so we all can play more. So this guy joined us, and it turns out he was pretty decent and we won. Before the second game he asked if anyone wanted to switch with him, in case they wanted him back since he was decent, but they declined, and we beat them again to take the match. Fast forward four weeks to today, before the positioning week before next week's tournament. Lo and behold, the team complains that we should have to forfeit those games because you're not allowed to play with anyone not on your team. So we went from 3rd to 6th in the standings. Complete bullshit. So we're hopeing to grind their faces into the court on the way to the championship.

I think I will do no work tonight wooo!

I really tried to go to sleep on time... poo for 8:30 class.

I should get back to trying to sleep. I'm already antsing for the week to be over so I can see everyone. Antsy ants ants. Go away, week!

I love DirectTV! Now I'm watching Chris Rock on Comedy Central. Comedy Central is the best contribution to my life ever.

Football is good, because then I sit on the couch and get reading done all day. But I am so very tired of reading by the end of the day.

I felt really old and out of the loop today trying to decide if I had any opinions about senior staff. I feel like I ought to, seeing as I was around most of the year, but I just really don't have anything to contribute. They all seem like nice kids to me.

I'm already looking forward to next weekend.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to go get some stuff from Eddie's, and I ran into Roger and a friend outside Rocky Run. Well, in the course of talking to those guys, it came up that I didn't have cable. So when Bill came by, all those guys gave him hell for not getting cable. I had tried to explain that I didn't really care, and Comcast was trying to make Bill pay for two apartments even though it's basically the same house. Anyway, I guess Bill can't take a little razzing and ended up getting DirectTV, which was installed today. So now I have lots and lots of channels.

As I was flipping through the guide it appeared that the Harvard/Columbia game was on both NESN and YES! But sadly, those channels are on the Sports Pack, which we don't have. I was sad. So I figured, well hell, I'll just have to see the Ivy Championship game in person next weekend up at Penn.

I also went grocery shopping today. Last week Mihalyfy had an entry about some international student he knows who discovered brownies recently. Which made me really jones for brownies since I haven't had one in forever, and they're really only good if you make them, because bakeries seem to suck at making them even. So I got some brownie mix and all the other crap I needed (including chocolate chips), and I baked up some brownies. So delicious! I bought a bag, since the box is for a 13x9 pan, and I only have an 8x8 pan, but then it occurred to me once I got home that I think my mom used to use the smaller pan anyway and just made super fat brownies. Which would have been cool. But, they were still delicious.

First use of HBO! Watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding, which I had failed to see previously. So great! HBO goes away after three months, so I gotta use it now. :-)

I'm going to be an author! A first one, in fact! My manuscript has been accepted by Controlled Clinical Trials, pending some really minor revisions, and it should come out in February!

Also, I got an A in Biostats. I rocked the crap out of that class.

There have been some comments going around the internets about how Blue Americans want to secede, and most of it is pretty snotty and condescending. I made a similar comment, but my feeling is this: I don't think people who believe in such a vastly different country should have to live with the country I want, even if I'm pretty sure it's right and better. That's irrelevant. The country I want to live in, and the country these folks want to live in are so vastly different that it seems awful that either of us should have to live in the other. People who want gay marriage, reproductive rights, judicious use of force, international diplomacy, reasonable healthcare, balanced budgets, no political interference in science and humanities scholarship, and environmental sanity, come live over here. People who want school prayer, privatized everything, banned abortion, pre-emptive war, opportunistic use of natural resources, death penalty, lotsa guns, and no taxes, go live over there.

I guess too many people have too much a mix of those values, though, eh? And other ones not listed that are probably more to the extremes. But, it really does feel like there have become two irreconcilable visions of what America should be.

I went to the MVA after school this morning to try to get an MD driver's license, but I didn't bring my birth certificate because last time I checked the website, it seemed to indicate that a social security card would be okay. But I think they changed it. Anyway, I had to have it, but I didn't. I have to say, though, that the woman was really nice about it, and they have a very smart setup where you do to get your documents checked before you can get into the real line, so you spend five minutes there if you don't have all the right docs instead of standing in line for hours only to discover you can't do what you need to do.

I then went to the Mondawmin Mall to check it out. It's not a very good mall... it's kinda like the Watertown Mall, except less good.

Tonight I went out with a couple of the girls from my program for some dinner. That was fun, though the place had preety marginal service and food.

I really want ice cream, but it's too cold out to go get it.

You know what I never get anymore? Drunk phone calls! For many years I could count on someone out there to give me a drunk phone call once in a while and entertain me in my half-awake state. I even leave my phone turned on most weekends with meager hope of one. But it never happens. Everyone is lame.

Wooo problem set... blargh.

So I'm going to Penn weekend after next. Whether anyone cares or not!

Got my whole trip squared away... I decided it would be vastly easier to take the train, and considering the best way to get to the bus station would probably be cab, it's not much more expensive really. And there was a 10% discount for ordering online, once I found the promotion code! I hope it will be pleasant weather, and not the torrential downpour it was last time when I didn't go.

The time before that I was becoming Manager, and I was so dead tired that I spent the whole day feeling cold even though it was quite temperate out. I think I even had a blanket in the stands wrapped around me all day. Anyway, I think Tom thought I was ridiculously hung over. But I was just cold! I always get so cold when I'm exhausted.

Connect the dots, la la lala.

That was just seriously random, and I had to type it. Other random songs in my head today have include "Let the Eagle Soar," which if you didn't see F9/11 or haven't heard it in its full glory, you should google that shit and listen up, because it's really hilarious.

I should go to bed. I have been having trouble getting myself to go to bed early lately.

It's nearly 1 am. I have to be awake at 6:30. I have class, a phone meeting, a doctor's appointment (which will surely end up being all about my imminent transition from mild dysphoria to full-out depression), and then another class. Oh right, then volleyball and a team dinner. All when I would rather curl up in bed and hope to dream away the rest of my life, because my dreams are ever so much better.

Also seems like a pretty sorry time to be in public health... given that this administration doesn't care about health much, and certainly not anything that could address problems at an effective level. Maybe industry will take me, since the NIH I'm sure will be strapped for cash, given the nation's priorities with these neocons.

Oh yeah, I forgot about the problem set I have to finish also...

Hope four years away. What is it with these next four years? Is it not bad enough I'm stuck in fucking Baltimore all alone, but the entire world has to suck on top of that?

I haven't been anything like this miserable in a long time. I was already feeling not awesome, and this is just such a blow.

So tired... at least these early morning hours aren't so dark out.

I'm feeling a lot better this afternoon. I'm ready to focus on the small stuff, ready to help build the progressive farm team that will feed the national system.

I am still way ass tired, though.

News to Storey: um, yeah, people are going to feel the most defeated *today*. "Already" signs? This would be when they would be... what do you think people are gonna be like, having a dance party today and then sometime next week be like, SHIT, we lost, I'm devastated!

How about stunning smugness. And complete lack of empathy. Even my Republican friend was more empathic.

Also, I just want to point out that Nader had no effect whatsoever on this race. People didn't abandon Kerry because they wanted someone more progressive. The country is just not majority in line with progressive values right now. That can be changed, and people did cross the line and vote for Kerry this time who didn't last time. But both sides got out the vote, and this is the way the vote is divided, and we can be smug assholes about it, or we can actually try to support progressive candidates at the state and local level and try to get good people into the political system for the future.

Well, I know lots of liberals, and many of them are already getting ready for the next election, whenever that is, at whatever level that may be. People are pissed about the whole government, and this election isn't gonna make most of them go away. Only the wussy ones, and they're not that helpful anyway.

I voted! It actually took very little time. I went after school, so about 4:15, and there were two precincts voting at the library. Precinct #4 (plus maybe people who didn't know which one? I dunno) had a 20-minute line. Precinct #5 had no line! I was like voter 551, which the guy said was about half so far. I hope there are a lot more!

Some people just haven't been paying attention, and certainly aren't paying any attention to the things I find most important. This is why I think it's dangerous for people to make statements like "I don't understand how all these people can think *this*." Well, of course not, you're trying to generalize your priorities to the rest of the world!

I have quickly given up on doing any work tonight.

I finally made a travel plan! Woo decisiveness. I'm headed to ABQ the day after exams (Dec 23) and to Boston on New Years Eve Day, arriving in time for fun. Who knows when I will leave Boston. Class doesn't start again until Jan 24, so there isn't a lot of motivation to get out quickly, but people might start to get sick of me. :-) But the Cornell hockey game is the 8th, and I'm inclined to get in as much karaoke as possible, so maybe late the 12th or early the 13th I'll return to Bmore, and I hope not get too bored with my 10 days leftover.

Still no Boston plans before then. Airtran does this annoying thing where they'll have a "sale" from BWI to BOS, but it's actually more than their lowest price, which they rarely advertise. It's annoying. If prices go back to normal, I might even come for Penn and then in December... also, I have enough miles for a one-way, so maybe I should just use it for the return Penn flight.

Good things about Monday: not having class until 3:30 pm. Bad things about Monday: staying up way too late for no reason, since I don't have class until 3:30 pm.

I'm feeling more upbeat about the election tomorrow. Of course, we probably won't know until December who the next president will be, but I feel upbeat that it will be Kerry. Of course, I spend too much time in the lefty world online, but the lefty world can be pretty defeatist when it wants, and it seems pretty upbeat also.

Biostats problem sets are uninspiring.