it's a weird situation, as i guess it always is. i still love her and she still loves me but she's going to boston for 9 months. there's no question in my mind that we are making the right practical decision to break up at least temporarily. long distance relationships suck, there are plenty of other reasons why this particular long distance relationship wouldn't work. she's heading into an intense 1-year program which is also her last year of studenting/childhood, and she wants to make the most of it and not have any stresses/commitments which lie 3000 miles away.
it all makes sense, but it still sucks. i really thought this was going to work out, and i still think it could. honestly, it seems like i should be okay; there is no catastrophe here. it's not clear that things won't work out with us when she moves back. she still loves me and still feels tenderly about me; it's just a practical decision. but i'm at heart an emotional person. i want to make the impractical romantic decision (not that having a stressful long distance relationship is really all that romantic.)
there are also symmetry issues here. for the past couple of weeks it's definitely been me on the side of lobbying to keep the relationship together, and her being confused and not knowing what she wants but gravitating towards a gut feeling of not doing the exclusive long-distance thing (she mentioned trying a non-exclusive relationship, but i don't even know what that really means, and it's not something i feel would emotionally work for me.) but anyway, in (again) rational theory i know that you can't have a relationship where one person is basically convincing the other to keep it going. if the amazing weekend we had on the houseboat didn't convince her, well, that's the way things are with her.
i mean, i know that she does love me. but somehow, faced with the replacement of my impractical dream with a very murky future, that's not enough. somehow i'm still incredibly emotionally distraught that she's leaving. because she is the special person in my life and all of a sudden she's not in my life to the same extent, and there is just something missing in my heart.
it's not quite as bad as the past couple of weeks, where i have been incredibly panicky and heartbroken just over the possibility of the breakup. in a sense i intuitively knew what was going on and what was going to happen, and so i was playing it out in my mind. but more than that i was just in a scary, still not entirely explicable emotional state. i'm not there anymore; i'm just in the emotional doldrums that come with having the love of your life wrench herself out to boston. i'm scared and confused and i don't really know what to do and not much seems to matter anymore.