this is going to sound crazy, but i think i almost died yesterday. i was having this dream, and in the dream i was going through tremendous emotional pain (with my mother being the antagonist, in case you are curious), and my heart was just breaking down. and then i woke up, and i could feel it in my heart, that my heart was just breaking down. i wasn't awake enough to be scared that i was actually going to die, but i think the physical process really did correlate with what was going on in my dream. causation, of course, is another story. it felt like some sort of mild heart attack, not that i have any clue what a heart attack feels like.

and fortunately, it went away, but it seems like on some level if i had stayed asleep longer i would have died. i felt like i had to exert some conscious effort not to die. hopefully this will scare me into the diet and exercise regimen i have been half-assedly embarking on for some time. CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I AM SERIOUS!

other than that, not much has happened in the past month-plus. the oregon outlook is working for the most part, one horribly excruciating week with my mother aside. i'm having professional thoughts, or rather meta-professional thoughts, but i would hardly call it a crisis -- that doesn't seem to be what the new me does. rather, just kind of mulling things over. i'm in a very pensive state nowadays -- i like it, this used to be the state i was in all the time. it's like the solipsist version of summer camp, with more serenity and less synergy. i think about life. too bad i can't get paid to do it; i really enjoy it and it comes very natural.

i've also flipped back into relationship-wanting state, not that i mean this as a personal ad. something will happen naturally, when the circumstances are right -- i've got all my life to live, i've got all my love to give. just gonna sit back and react and be myself and listen to wonderful music. wonder if it's time for another drive around the country. i could stand to visit a few people.

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