when i was younger, my mother told me that even if i didn't continue to play piano for the rest of my life, i should at least play long enough that i could pick it up with competence, by which she i think meant a combination of being able to still sightread pieces of moderate difficulty and get back to fluency with a month of immersion if i ever so desired.
i stopped playing piano about a year too early (after ninth grade), i think, but i see this pattern now in my life with my personality. i've always had this excited-kid personality; it's who i think of as being really me, this intuition-based, jumpy, kind of outlandish explorer. (yes, it's perhaps an overly romantic notion, but i digress.) the perfect kid, complete with the trappings of wisdom and maturity that someone like, i don't know, ender wiggin possesses.
the thing is -- that kid personality goes dormant for long stretches. it really only comes out when there's someone appropriate around, someone who understands that mindset, someone with whom i can be that person and have it be natural. during these stretches, i'm always so worried that i've finally "grown up," that the novel playfulness is something i'll never be able to recapture.
but somehow, i think, i had the personality continuously for enough time during my chronological formative period that it's always going to be there. that i'll always be able to pick it up and sightread, and that one day when i find the right person to be that way with for the rest of my life, i will pick it up again and become wholly fluent within a few weeks (if not days or hours.)
it's a tough road, though, because it's extremely discouraging to go through long periods of time without being that person. it really does make me feel like i might not ever be able to be that person again. but just like riding a bike -- which i did for the first time in three years a couple of days ago, with total comfort -- it comes back to me like that.
which means the real trick is finding those people. not finding kids -- no need to inform the local authorities, be assured. but finding the mature kids, the wise kids, the kids who are having fun because deep down they have the simple ability to cut through things and realize that this is what matters. not the kids who are having fun because they don't know how to do anything else.
and we'll see. i make no claims about my ability to find those people, or even really about those people continuing to exist. which is why it's a tenuous position to be in, this kid itching to come out. it raises all sorts of questions about the identity of the self.