i've always had this idea of my happily ever after: the perfect girl, with a life consisting of perception, lateral thinking, meeting people, raising awesome kids, with these inputs leading to an output of scintillating conversation, character analysis, energetic thought, all very real, keyword "dynamic." this is plan A. it all hinges terribly on the soulmate. without the soulmate none of this works.
recently i had become very upset / depressed / cynical about the prospects of plan A never happening, dying alone and all that (or, more likely, eventually settling for someone. in my arrogance, i have no doubt that i could easily obtain a bride if i wanted.) this more than anything was responsible for the dark blackness of the past three months, after the month and a half of just being heartbroken about eva. and i knew it was responsible for it. like most people, i dislike being very unhappy, so i tried to get over it, but the human brain is poorly designed: conscious effort doesn't tend to work.
i came back from oregon not just un-depressed, but ecstatic, actually happy. the test of this was when i got a speeding ticket. the old me would have been incredibly upset about this; the new me just shrugged it off. i'm not sure if oregon deserves all the credit; for a few months, i've been making a conscious effort to not get too upset about these things, and to not really try too hard, and maybe that's sinking in. but i think oregon was at least the catalyst. i spent three days doing nothing but relaxing (portland, lisa, coast), and suddenly my shoulders have forgotten how to feel tense.
anyway, on to plan B for living happily ever after, something i've never had. plan B is to relax. live in oregon or somesuch; no people around, but very low-stress, saturated with green green parks and fresh fresh air and amazing beaches and it turns out that portland is a pretty cool city too. plan B doesn't seem quite as centered around the existence of a soulmate, which may be helping me deal with the continual reality that i may die alone.
but of course plan B really does need a soulmate. someone to take walks with and curl up reading with and watch sunsets with and cook interesting things with and, still, raise awesome kids with. the thing is, and i don't mean this as any sort of knock on potential plan-B soulmates, the requirements for a plan-B companion are much less stringent than those for a plan-A companion. a plan-A companion needs to be really awesome in a particular way; a plan-B companion just needs to be really awesome. for instance, if someone were awesomely considerate, this wouldn't really qualify them for plan A, but it would work well in plan B.
so this is my bullshit explanation as to why oregon took so much pressure off my soul. in any case, the worst year of my life (2004-2005) is over, and hopefully it will be a good summer and a good 2005-2006. i feel great.