today is one of those days. it's a cheesy song, i know, this vanessa carlton song which spent four weeks at #1 on the charts a couple of months ago, which i in my newfound alienation from popular music had not heard before tonight. it's sappy, it's emotionally playing, i know the tricks. but i can't stop listening to it. it's making me think, and can that be all bad?
as i in principle get closer and closer to being right for someone, the weird part to me right now (it might be the song talking) is not that i might be right for someone so much as it is the fact that there are so many people out there i'm not right for. it's incredibly disappointing: there are so many people out there who i don't have the ability to make smile and laugh and be happy.
and i feel i should be able to, you know? in my youth i honestly believed i could get any girl i wanted -- it's not as arrogant as it sounds, since it presupposes that the person in question has attributes which appeal to me, which should certainly correlate with liking my type. and at the root of it was the fact that i truly believed i could make anyone happy. that it was just a matter of paying attention, and that if i noticed how people were reacting to things i could hit the jokes that make them laugh, could give the viewpoints they hadn't thought of, and so on.
but there are people who i can't live the rest of my life with. who i can't be that perfect person for. it's unsettling, because if these people exist, then anyone could be one of them -- even the person who is that perfect person for me.
i become dr. develin in 272 hours. what a weird concept.