i've been reading back through my old weblog entries, and i'm pleased to note that they sound like me. i can't really distinguish the 2002 entries from the entries of today; it sounds entirely like something i would write. doing this of course also gives me a sense of perspective on how frequently my state of mind changes. when i was in minneapolis, there are only a couple of entries, and in one i sound really happy. is that true? i think it's more likely that i didn't talk about the unhappiness. i need something like a therapy journal, what-i-would-tell-my-therapist, so i can trust it as a record of my mental state.
because of course i know people will read this.
i think writing here, or writing in general, may be a good device to slow things down. this is probably one of the crackpot late-night theories, as obviously going through the weblog entries makes them seem to be linearly spaced when the dates belie this, but it's hard to lose weeks when one is writing every day. i kind of want to live as long as possible, but that doesn't mean real time; that means me-time, life-time, actual-time, i don't really know how to best term it. but it's nice to look back at yesterday and actually have done something, and i think writing can serve as that something in the absence of anything else. (for instance, today doesn't really have a signature event, although i certainly got stuff (work, bridge, referee report) done.)
of course, the other thing about the weblog entries, aside from the fact that they highlight my ridiculous mood swings, is that it's sort of laughable how many crackpot theories i actually have, and how many things i said which are just plain ridiculous. maybe _this_ is my zeitgeist, not any of the other things i've proposed. who knows.