these last couple of weeks have been sort of strange. i guess it's been 11 days since i finished moving, and for most of those 11 days, i've been very consciously trying to relax, not pushing things too hard, trying not to get worked up about things, and it absolutely has not been working. if anything, i'm reacting to life's usual gaffes with more tantrummy self-annoyance than usual. the bridge gaffes, which are probably the best barometer of this, have not been taken very well.

i'm wondering if my tragic flaw is really being too emotional. i wear my heart on my sleeve. maybe that's the defining thing about the interlude in my life: i wasn't doing this nearly as much. i was being a lacquered normal person, or at least trying to. but at any rate, i usually don't make much of an effort to hide how i'm feeling. it's my version of honesty i suppose. but it can't be a lot of fun to be around. when i make a mistake at the bridge table and i brood for the next couple of hands, i know it's not fun for other people. i know it's discouraging for my partner. i don't think i actually play much worse, but it obviously can't really be good for my play to have a negative mindset.

the worst are the mistakes where i think for a long time and then get it wrong. writing this, it seems like a reasonable theory that this is why most people don't (over)think as much as i think i do (and i don't mean to be elitist about that.) because if you try really hard and fail, it's an awful blow to your self-esteem as well as the implication that you wasted your effort. as homer would say, the lesson: never try.

but anyway, i have been making a conscious effort to take the bridge mistakes in stride, and it hasn't been working. i expect a lot of myself. i know that i am absolutely capable of being the best bridge player on the planet, or at least top 100, at least much, much better than i am right now. and i know that the path to this is to play a lot and develop my intuition, because that is why i am good at anything i am good at.

but it's going kind of slowly; i've been playing badly recently, and i don't really know why, and it's sort of scary. the results on their face have not been abysmal, but john has been playing really well for the most part and i haven't been doing my share by any stretch of the imagination. it's probably just a random sample size fluke, but it's still worrisome. hopefully i will kick ass in sacramento and everything will be fine.

the bridge of course is just the most quantitative thing i do, so it's the best example. but this emotional overreaction infects all parts of my life. it certainly makes me feel alive, and i don't think i mind it for myself, but it is really quite a pill. i don't really know how to reconcile that. i feel very strongly that i am a very emotional person, that that is who i am, that i love and care and i'm fiery and intense, but i also recognize that this person is not the greatest companion of all time. i'm not going to go ahead and subvert my personality again -- i learned a lesson from that -- but if i could temper me a little, it might be for the benefit of all concerned.

enough navel-gazing for now.

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