here's what i've come up with: i try to be interesting enough that no one needs to form an opinion of me based on other things. like how well i treat people, or morality, or how rich i am.
what i haven't yet figured out is how this evolved. i don't think of myself as a very moral person, though it 's true that i am a wuss about hurting people and thus somewhat of a hypocrite on the issue (though in the opposite direction than i think most people are.) but i'm also not rich. i think it's the second thing, really; when i was growing up i couldn't impress people with material possessions, not even close. so i tried to carve out a niche for myself as the useful kid, the kid who was good to have around because he came up with ideas.
part of this may be the poor-kid-in-private-school syndrome, but for the most part my compadres in that setting weren't snobs at all. i certainly don't remember feeling insecure or unhappy or even cognizant of my lack of wealth.
no, i think the significant way that being poor sculpted this in is desperation. material possessions almost by definition are more reliable than personality. this may sound odd, but i believe that if someone likes you for your material possessions the friendship will be more stable and secure than if someone likes you for your personality. you can be sure that material possessions will never vanish, especially if you have the capability to replace them. you can't be sure that your personality will not wander off, or that the other person's taste in personality won't change.
i suppose that you can't be sure that the other person's taste in material objects won't change either. but somehow the tangibility of the situation lends a (false?) sense of security. i'm reminded of that line from 69 love songs: "i'm the luckiest guy on the lower east side / cause i've got wheels and you want to go for a ride." (i feel i should point out here in the interest of true meaning that i don't really like the magnetic fields; i only quote the line to prove my point.) i'm not the luckiest guy because i have a good personality or because you happen to like me; i'm the luckiest guy because i can provide you with the tangible evidence that you want.
one counterargument to this is the fact that you have to be smart in order to come up with the right tangible evidence. i've always maintained that well-meaning stupid people are not particularly worthful -- it's no use having good intentions if you can't figure out how to actually make someone happier. (the cynic might hoist me on my own petard here, what with the fairly disastrous surprise visits to the wrong people. mismatched, perhaps? i don't mean to be as condemning of the people in question as this sounds, but it was not ideal and smacks of what i'm criticizing.)
in any case, that's my business model, because it was the only option i had as a kid. i don't use that as an excuse. i don't think it should be -- regardless of how it happened, this is certainly part of the way i am, and i have no reason to believe it's going to change.
another issue on which i'm a hypocrite is the issue of self-confidence. i don't like people who lack self-confidence, which i believe is because this inhibits your ability to come up with really creative things, or at least your ability/willingness to express them to me, which is really all i care about. but of course i go through these wild self-confidence swings because i view my worth as being fickle, since it's based on personality and not material objects.
i hadn't thought of any of this before i started writing, but there are two types of statements: things that look false when you type them, and things that look true. this looks true. sometimes (rare recently, but i'm willing to give myself the benefit of the doubt and assume that that rarity is largely due to sickness, though it's not clear that admitting that sickness can affect me is really the upside) i feel like i can conquer the world; all tasks seem trivial to me. other times i am positively annoyed at how difficult and worthless the tasks i have at hand. and how numerous they are.
i was going to post something here about how you shouldn't expect much to appear in this space until i take my qualifying exams (may 3.) that may prove to be the case, but i do really enjoy writing, and i think i have a lot more to say. so i make no promises about the absence of content.