i'm not going to bother detailing my antagonists on this particular terrible horrible no good very bad day. they're pretty familiar: a deducible nightmare, a beast at work i frequently fight with (this is a program, not a coworker), the prospect and present of sleep deprivation (group meeting; interview at 9 am tomorrow.) but what's amazing to me is i persevered. i was tired, i was unhappy, but i dragged myself out of bed and into the group meeting, and i sought help on the beast; i hardly slew it, but i at least was able to conjure up the illusion of progress.
most of all, i understand that this is a bad day. i think i always understand this rationally, even during bad times, but i understand it emotionally now. sometimes you wake up on the wrong side of the bed; sometimes you're not as smart as you should be; sometimes you get unlucky. these things happen. but i kept my cool, stayed at work until 4:30 before running out of energy, didn't commit any awful unforced errors (e.g. car crashes or similar), didn't harm my long-term future (except by continuing to fail to return phone calls -- believe me, you two really, really are two of the people in the world i have the most respect and admiration for, and i know i suck, and i'm really sorry (no excuses, it's the reality) and i admit i've endplayed myself a bit by feeling like i need to be in the perfect mood to acquit myself after such a long absence, and i know this is silly, and i know i should just call, etc.).
so it's all okay, in the grand scheme, really. i can do this.