what has my life been like over this time? it seems like it's getting closer to well-balanced. i've had lots of elements that i've thought about what i consider to be a pretty tenable (in a long-term sense) amount. mathematics, which i've put enough actual effort (as opposed to button-pushing-type effort) into but not too much. different relaxation elements. i haven't spent an inordinate amount of time hung up on a particular person or issue; i have my crushes of various types, to be sure, and i've spent some time thinking about all of the various situations with them, but not an overwhelming amount on any individual.
i think the main problem with my life is a lack of other people showing specific interest in things. this is, of course, the same problem that i've talked about before, but i think this is the best way to formulate it. it's not necessarily interest in me that i crave; it's interest in other things. while i have garnered a reputation as an idea person, i am a reactor, not a creator (an easy mistake to make; the two are anagrams, after all.) i can't create something out of nothing; what i can do is take something and snowball it into something better.
the problem, of course, is that being a creator is very difficult. getting the urge to do something in particular is not a very predictable or reliable event, and it's much easier to legislate it out of your life than it is to legislate it into your life. it's much easier to come up with one default activity (possibly dependent on company) and do it than it is to keep having to come up with new things to do. i think this is why i admire chris so much -- because she does this. comes up with new things to do, that is. it's an incredibly difficult life, but rewarding; the problem with things of this type is that it's easier to see the difficulty (because it is more constant, and comes first) than it is to see the reward. so even though the reward may justify, on average, the effort, the randomness of the situation (as opposed to the non-randomness of effort, which you have complete control over) makes it hard to pull the trigger.
another hopefully balanced week approaches. i'm feeling better about myself than i have in a while. there haven't really been any dizzying highs, but i've been a very solid person over the last several days, spitting out content in a non-hyperactive, seemingly crafted (fake artifice; i put little conscious effort into crafting what i say) way.
ultimately, of course, i haven't solved any problems; what's happened this week is that i've had enough to react to, not that i've found a renewable source of stimuli that would enable me to appear to be a creator. (this is impossible -- it would have to be universal, applying to every situation imaginable, and as j. noted, storing up a stack of things to say never really works.) but it's reassuring to know that i still have this core of imagination, and that it has acquired a core of stability, after much internal struggle while the two circled around the ring of my brain.