i was reading through my old weblog entries from 2002 (it seems like just yesterday i started this thing; has it really been four years?) and it seems like my life was very interesting then, and that i had a lot to write about, even if much of it is philosophical bullshit. it's sort of surprising. i wonder if my life and my thoughts are always that much more interesting in retrospect; i certainly don't remember feeling that way at the time.

i also can't help but admire that person, who seems in many ways to be a better version of me. certainly there's an element of rashness and insanity, but that element is still there in me now, and i don't know that it was overall a bad thing. i read a completely genuine person out of those weblog entries, someone who is narcissistic but who is absolutely not afraid to be himself and to say what he thinks.

well, today i am still narcissistic, but i don't have the same strong personality most of the time. i guess it's this now monthlong period of complete unemotionality that i'm going through. i don't have strong thoughts or interpretations or anything (although my dreams are as interesting as ever.) i live a very quantitative existence. i don't really have a lot to talk about; i just generally feel like i'm in a holding pattern. i'm not bursting with ideas or words or crushes.

i think overall this probably makes me more likeable, which is a sad commentary on the world. that what the world really wants is amenable cheery people who are happy to be around and who don't dominate conversations. i guess there's nothing wrong with being in the majority. i'm still thinking as much as i ever did, but the urge to talk is certainly fading.

back to the weblog