without going into details, life is dramatic. i make mistakes. i've handled everything very poorly over the past couple of months (this, as always, is in relation to romance and life and girls), and i've hurt people, and it's been awful. i feel terrible about it, about doing things in a way where basically everyone ended up hurt. the interesting thing right now is that i'm in a state where i feel that because i'm responsible for so much pain, i don't deserve anything. so anything i end up with in terms of happiness will be a pleasant surprise. it's sort of weird; i feel like i'm almost impossible to disappoint right now.
and so life, somehow, continues. i don't know what the future will bring. it struck me the other day that if i got hit by a truck or a fit of suicidal thoughts or something, at least there would be this electronic record of my life, this serial confirming that i was a real person. in addition of course to all the late-night emails to my wonderful friends.
one of the problems with me, i think, is that i hate disappointing people. so when i'm with people i not only don't say things that will disappoint them, i don't think things that will disappoint them. of course this doesn't work because the truth or what i think is the truth always comes out in the end.
i guess related to this is that i'm always thinking and reevaluating, and probably too frequently coming up with epiphanic conclusions. i am of course the ultimate intuitionist, with the result that i have trouble dismissing stray thoughts for what they are. i honestly don't know who i would be happiest marrying, i don't know how things would be with anyone. the fact is that the future is so unpredictable that prognoses are impossible. which has put me in an existential dilemma recently; it's hard to live without having some idea of the external events that might happen in the future. hard to plan.
at any rate, i'm surviving for now.