i've always extrapolated wildly, which might contribute to my 0-for-13 record in relationships. this is probably due to my feeling that i can parse situations immediately; i'm always ignoring the past because i think i can so quickly get a handle on all the nuances of the present that i don't need to look at history to tell me what's going to happen. which of course leads to blowing things out of proportion, which leads to snowballing of problems. i try to aggressively attack every problem in life (and math), and while this might be a good feature as a mathematician (the problem won't solve itself), i bet it hurts me in life.
i'm not sure if the mood swings are related or not. they've been highlighted recently; over the past few days it seems that half the time i'm optimistic and happy that my relationship with eva, which was quite bad towards the end, is over. either optimistic about having a chance to put together a great relationship in the future (we weren't going to get there the way we were going), or happy about being single and unbiased. but the other half of the time i'm sadder than i've ever been, completely devastated. it's really quite ridiculous; if i had a pet i'm sure he would be laughing his head off.
and i'm basically never content. i'm always finding problems and suboptimalities. and this is probably the biggest contributor to the 0-for-13. something can always be improved. and no matter how relatively happy i am, i always want to improve it (at least, over any reasonable time period; i do have moments where everything is aligned and perfect.)
my feeling is that most people don't really have these three. i watch people, friends, or maybe people on the street, and they can be content. they can be secure (especially in their romantic relationships), peaceful, not antsy. they can talk about their spouse or partner without quivering. and they don't get all thrown off by local events, and they aren't spun into mood swings by things as simple as losing. (i hate losing, and i'm really surprised that no one else seems to be angry about losing; i actually don't think it's because i'm competitive, just because i'm a perfectionist.) i know there's more turmoil inside people than you ever see, but it just seems to me that other people have more stable lives, that their parameters don't change as fast as mine do. that they don't question things daily.
i think they're probably happier but i don't know how to get there and i'm not quite sure i want to. i guess time will tell. i guess i'm only 24.
(sorry this isn't the best entry ever; i'm out of practice. but i'm going to try to get over my demand that my next X (blog entry, email, relationship, whatever) always be my best X ever, because it's kind of stupid.)