i remember that night in san diego where i was just freaking out. just scared to death. and as i was walking to the pay phone trying to calm myself down i thought of what i was going to say. and i called adrienne. and nothing came out. i had lots of stuff in my mind but i couldn't say any of it; i just froze.
it's like this whenever i meet someone. i think of lots of clever and relevant things to say, but of course in the heat of the situation none seem apropos or sayable or uncontrived. which is of course correct; i'm not complaining so much as just noticing a couple of things. i hate the monologue thing, but i overthink everything and that's what comes out when i'm thinking about events such as this.
i'm still terrible at this. first meetings without designated subject material. paul is good at this; paul is just the good version of himself without regard to how he's coming off or whether he's fitting into the person's schema. i'm sure he doesn't feel like this on the inside, but on the outside that's what happens and it works. me? i exhibit one of a very few and all bad action patterns. i clam up. or i am obviously very nervous. or i talk too much and don't let the other person control the conversation at all and it goes somewhere they hate. or i brag. i don't try to do this; what i'm trying to do is deliver the monologue that's in my head, but of course the situation doesn't lend itself to that and so it comes out as something horribly twisted.
i don't know how to stop myself from concocting these monologues. they only hurt. i don't concoct monologues for spur-of-the-moment things, and they usually work out just fine. but the waiting. what else am i going to do? i can't pretend that these things don't matter to me. right now i have no control over anything and it's scaring both me and my stomach.