i'm not saying there aren't any more. there are sometimes. there are days i can spend with friends in a way that doesn't make me feel empty afterwards. in a way that makes me feel that i've been stimulated, that i've seen new things, things i haven't thought of. in a way with conversations, where my thoughts go ten times as fast. there were a lot more in college but that doesn't mean that these aren't just as good. they are. better, even, because i know more, i have a wider pool of thoughts to draw from, and i'm always learning to see better.
i don't want to go out drinking. i don't want to go skiing. i don't want to eat. i just want to perceive and talk. i want stimuli. not a warped sense of identity. not the snow; well, sometimes, but it doesn't say things to me that i can say to other people. definitely not food, which is there to be eaten and not discussed. it's designed to pass through your system in an ephemeral way.
what i want is not as hard as i make it sound, if for no other reason than that i get it frequently.
why do i feel that during times that aren't these, i "should" be doing math? this is the question that as of right now i cannot answer. i can't say anything that isn't just spitting back things from society, and i have no real base for those either rationally or emotionally.