it's kind of weird to say, but i feel like everything in my past is falling into place. it might be the song speaking, but after many years, i am comfortable with the role lisa powell plays in my mind and my life. lisa powell is a girl i dated for around half of my sophomore year, 1997-8. our breakup was not good -- my fault. (well, our second breakup. our first breakup was, i guess, her fault, though i'm hesitant to blame others for things like this. i guess this has to do with my reluctance to grant them agency.) and it sort of froze things. but recently it's all started to make sense. i learned the valuable lesson that no matter how much of a jerk i am to people, they are surprisingly resilient and will bounce back.
on the page, perhaps this seems tongue-in-cheek. it's true that i'm still in the process of learning it, but that's not what i mean by this. it sounds bad; it gives me license to act badly towards people. but i think the moral here is that i can't go around just thinking what effects my actions will have on other people.
the lisa parable appears to be the only one that's far enough in the past to apply that to, or rather the only one for which i'm still in contact with the person. i'm hoping that by writing it down i make it more true. i'm hoping that all the hurt i've caused people over the years is temporary.
it seems obvious, but this has very much not always been the case. it was one of the bad facets of my ego, the fact that i felt validated as important to people by the fact that the fallout from me was bad. as i told kelli several months ago, perhaps presciently, "i wreck people." it seems like the solution to this is to temper my initial enthusiasm, to not let myself reveal the intensity of my ardor until things stabilize. but that's the best part anyway, so you see the bind.
i'm in a very holiday spirit, in case that wasn't obvious. not the holiday spirit where you want to feast and laugh and play games. the solemn holiday spirit, the day of atonement, the day of reflection, the day of quiet contemplation. very peaceful.
love to all.