today is a startling day. or maybe a starting day, or maybe a starling day, or something like that.

you see, for the past while, without realizing it, i've been conserving energy. i haven't been seeing people -- various people reminded me recently that i haven't seen them in ages, and i was honestly shocked to discover this. you see, the past few weeks have been a bunch of tomorrow-i-wills -- tomorrow i will start getting in shape, tomorrow i will roust myself into super productive work mode, tomorrow i will clean up my house.

as an aside, the last is not a chore. rather, i really enjoy cleaning up my house -- seriously, it's a way to make tangible progress that anyone can do, so it's essentially free satisfaction. rather than dreading it, i've been saving it for when i feel super down, which hasn't happened recently.

anyway, with the general temporizing nature of this mindset, i've been resting. i didn't think of it this way; i thought of it as a time of respite following a splendid relaxing trip to seattle, which was seriously the greatest trip i've ever taken in my life (we did nothing but lounge around and play the world's best board game, which i was astonished to discover is not actually puerto rico.) but my brain was also rounding itself into form following a lot of (largely self-imposed) stress. today it emerged with a bang, and out of nowhere, hyper, insanely intelligent and multitask-rambling mike emerged. during therapy, while i was babbling a mile a minute at my therapist -- i swear this is true -- i was solving quadratic equations in my head. and the thoughts didn't stop there.

now, we aren't really talking about profound thoughts here. we're talking about reflections on loose ends, and passages from books, and music, and suit combinations, and world of warcraft, and technology. (as an aside, i recommend that people read "the god delusion," by richard dawkins, which i found to be far more interesting than i had imagined -- i am an atheist, and proud of it, but i really expected an intolerant polemic instead of a thoughtful if not politically correct dismantling of religion. what i'd really like to do is read well-written books espousing opinions i don't agree with, by smart people who pull no punches. i recommend the following issues for recommendations on your behalf: religion, affirmative action (i'm against), death penalty (i'm for; and here i mean the death penalty in theory, not attempts to use it in practice, which i agree do not work), nickelback (i'm against), french people (i'm against), "insensitive" pornography (i'm against -- ruins the mind), welfare (i'm against), abortion (i'm for).) nonetheless, it was good to have the runaway train back; while it certainly correlates with destructive things (which, i hate to continue to admit, i'm still taking mind-altering drugs in a perhaps misguided and flawed attempt to counter), there are few things that feel as much like being alive as having the mind firing everywhere. it's days like this i feel i can do anything, even if some of choice potential choices are scary and bad.

now, i don't want to mislead you, and i mean that in two ways. i'm not "back." i have no delusions that this late-night brilliance is here to stay; i'd be quite the poor scientist indeed if i concluded that. it's like discovering that there is a large percentage of prime numbers between 51000000 and 52000000 (note: probably not true) and concluding that the precentage of prime numbers has started to go back up again. the other way, of course, is that obviously this correlates with blogging; i don't want to convince any potential mates out there that i'm actually all excitement, because that's totally not true. (and if there are any potential mates out there, please, for both of our goods, DO NOT CONTACT ME RIGHT NOW. this is a terrible time for me to start a relationship; if i did right now, i'd be a crappy boyfriend and not at my best anyway.)

disclaimers aside, all i really need to do is set up a schedule and stick to it. really what i need to do is put myself through binding boot camp for a while. so, here it is. starting tomorrow (no really) here is my morning and evening schedule:

now, of course, this is posted out of desperation more than out of inspiration. yes, i've devolved as a person to the point where i need to use a publicly posted schedule to motivate myself to stick to it -- except that, of course, this won't work, because the act of publicity is not actually going to get you, dear reader, to call me on it. but, you know, blah blah cognitive psychology experiment blah blah.

of course, i hate rules. but the alternative is losing me friends and happiness, so we'll try it this way for now.

and now, in another fit of desperation, i will try to get some work done, at 12:45 in the morning. feverish delusions later.

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