0132: I've got the control. And I intend to exploit it.
Maybe you should see my aim as protecting others
from your brand of fun.
2221: Fox is the best network. SEXY MEN!!!!!
After dinner last night
and television madness this evening, I'm starting to feel much better
about the state of the sisterhood in the band. I was extremely concerned
before this weekend that our ladies would settle for less than they
deserve, but it seems that we're all landing on the same page. We don't
have to let the guys control us. We can defend ourselves against
smarminess. We can avoid competing amongst ourselves. We can do better,
and we will.
A word to the wise when
facing any tactical situation: in any group, there are Essentials, and
there are Aspirers. Know which group you're in, and act accordingly.
Because if you're an Aspirer and you start stepping on the Essentials,
you'll quickly lose the races which you are trying to win.
THREE--
2001: I miss having Morgan around to make me come watch baseball
with him.
2057: I hate laundry. Hate hate hate hate hate! It's such a
project to do it all.
2059: On the other hand, I like cheese, in particular, Vermont
sharp cheddar. With reduced fat Triscuits.
2101: I miss that day, working side by side, being productive
together, chilling after a job well done. It was so simple, but the best
of our friendship has been in simplicity. It's only in complexity that we
are ruined.
SIX--
2057: You never can tell what will happen to you at any given
moment. You're bound to be surprised at every turn. And it's often hard
to tell whether the things that happen to you are good or bad or both or
neither. At best, things are.
TEN--
0033: Why is it so hard to write? WHY IS IT SO FUCKING HARD TO
WRITE?
1521: Answer to above question: It's never hard to write if you put
it off until the morning. Give up on the evening writing already!
1614: I get this sense sometimes. And it's usually right. I hate
my life.
TWELVE--
1607: So, my first subject didn't show up this afternoon, and I
didn't bring anything to do, having faith that since I emailed both these
people last night to remind them, like a responsible research assistant,
they would both show up like good little kids. But no. And now I won't
get to leave quite as early because I have to run the slightly longer
version of the study instead of the really short one which was second on
the next subject that's coming in... argh. Whatever. I'm tired. I've
been staying up too late and loading myself with enough coffee to fry a
herd of nerves for no real reason. I didn manage to finally decorate my
room last night. You got it, folks, already almost mid-October, over a
full month in the room, and I still hadn't decorated. That's what fall
will do to you. But after I get the partition up later tonight,
everything should be all set.
THIRTEEN--
0251: The nice thing about having this partition up finally, is
that I can sit behind it here at my computer and feel isolated but still
hear everything that is going on. But I don't have to see any of it.
It's like a beautiful radio. I can pretend like everything is as
wonderful and happy as I hear it, and if I begin to really dislike the
living room, I can just go to sleep. Sleep sleep sleep.
SIXTEEN--
0022: I'm a little nervous about the next month. In what shall I
be entrenched?
1304: It seems that some of my worries are warranted. I don't
know what it is exactly about October that makes people get crazy ideas.
But if the level-headed people can keep a united front, we don't have to
let madness reign. We don't want stupidity leaking over into November.
1407: By popular demand, bottom right corner.
SEVENTEEN--
1250: I'm having a mental flurry day. Maybe I'm not busy
enough.
EIGHTEEN--
0006: I spent some down moments in class today writing, going over
lots of things in my head. And those questions and concerns are bothering
me now. I don't know what to think. I suspect widely divergent things
about the world at any given time. And I have my copy of the Great Gatsby
now... something about the grasping of the man clutches me. Maybe I'm
always just grasping too.
0047: Wish I could both read and change minds.
1953: I'll never stop being angry. Rage is what I have.
2252: The major malfunction is feeling all of a sudden like I
don't even know you, and trying to figure out who you are again.
NINETEEN--
1150: In scientific methods discussions, we talk about ethics, in
particular about informed consent. When informing subjects, you need to
give them enough details to make an informed decision about their
participation in your research. If you leave out details such that after
their participation they regret having given consent at all, you have not
informed them, and you have committed an ethical violation as the
scientific community has defined it. But the idea of informed consent
applies beyond the world of experimental science. In your relations
with other people, if you withhold known details from a person interacting
with you such that after knowing of these details that person regrets the
interaction, then you have committed an ethical violation. And in human
interaction, that's a big deal. And amongst friends it's profoundly
significant. You need to let your subjects know what they're getting
into, and it's even more important that you let your friends know.
Otherwise you may find yourself having very few allies in this world.
TWENTY-TWO--
1506: This was maybe the best New York trip I've had. We had gobs
of Prop Crew, and everything went smoothly. I only had to ride the truck
Saturday morning when the buses were boring and sleepy anyway. And we
actually went out and did something fun but relaxing on Friday night.
The extent of my previous evening experience in New York had been getting
separated from our group and being left by myself in the subway, sitting
around playing games at the Harvard Club, and wandering around Times
Square doing not so much and angsting with disappointment about various
failed aspects of my life. But this time we headed off for Little Italy,
and despite a slight detour through part of NoHo, which was interesting in
itself, a small group of us managed to find a little italian restaurant
with outdoor seating and a bit of food and wine. It was perfect,
wonderfully relaxing, and exactly what we'd sought. So, my pessimism for
this trip turned out to be unfounded (which is why I'm so pessimistic at
all, because I often find myself delightfully surprised when things go
well), and I had a lovely time.
TWENTY-THREE--
1701: I worry an awful lot. It's this terrible habit of mine. I
wonder at people who never seem to worry about anything at all... I sort
of envy their little worlds. I have a lot of catching up to do this week.
I can't afford to be paralyzed by worry. I can't afford to think beyond
what needs doing at this moment. At the same time, I can't let go of my
wondering about assorted things, and worrying.
TWENTY-SEVEN--
0039: My concerns were investigated, and dissipated. And
everything is swirling right now with the potential of what we can
accomplish. Accomplishments are something to take your mind off the
fearful emptiness. But someday I've got to do something about the empty,
maybe starting now.
TWENTY-NINE--
0237: I avoided writing during the confusing 1-2am range. Namely
that's when I was at the party, from 1-2 both times. And that was enough
for this evening. Flip to the back page for the complications. My ID
card started working again... I lost it, deactivated it, had it returned,
and forgot to reactivate before dinner, which lead to me haggling the
Eliot House checker who was about to confiscate it but eventually gave it
back. Minor irritations. Not like the freezing wind today, which was a
major irritation... but for the most part we found ways around it. I'm
just rambling about nothing to procrastinate my eventual rambling about
something.
Today I have explored the
uppers and downers of cold meds. Yummy!
So, as it has been noted,
tomorrow is Friday the 13th, but not only that, it's October, but not only
that, it's also the year 2000. But to top it off, my mom will be
here tomorrow, meaning the convergence of all the women in my family here
in Boston. All of you should be very afraid.
The cool thing about
having my mom visit is that most of my friends have always liked my mom
and found themselves pouring their life stories to her. I've been trying
to gauge what she'll think of the various people in my world. Last time
she was here, I still didn't really know anyone, but now I have this
established world of folk. The only sort of bad thing is that whenever I
talk to her on the phone, I can tell that despite being so far away,
despite me not necessarily filling in that many details about what is going
on day to day, she still has a very intuitive sense of how I feel and what
is going on... so if she visits and can actually *witness* some of my day
to day life, how much more is she going to get it! Ack! I can also
predict that she is reading this and laughing at me. :p
Last night I had a great
time. It sort of astonished me in retrospect how a lot of things that
would normally irk me plenty had only a slight background presence. I
found myself freed. I was me and me alone. I don't know what the
implications are. I think it means I've settled back into a comfortable
sense of the world and my place in it.
And things got worked out.
It's always part misinterpretation, part omission, and part paranoia. But
it all gets flushed aside eventually, as always. I can regain security in
a sweet, quiet goodnight.