0045: One said she was impressed that I wasn't freaking out about
the other. Which makes everything feel a little better.
Blind faith alone drives
me. Yo tengo la venda, y solo con la venda puedo ver. I can only put my
sight in my faith, in my doubtful faith. What I see makes me blind, what
enters overflows in me. What is unseen gives me vision and stays quiet
inside.
TWO--
1245: So I'm sitting at lunch today, eating alone at one of those
great new oval tables by the windows. I'm having a nice restful time
before finishing up my midterm studying and all. As I'm close to
finishing the meal, this girl comes and plops her tray down across from
me, says "hi" shortly, and settles in. I thought for a second she was a
blockmate, but quickly determined that she wasn't. Then I thought, oh,
maybe it's just some poor girl who didn't have anyone to eat lunch with
and thought I looked nice. But no, she digs into her bag and breaks out a
book for Justice, and doesn't say a word or look at me after. So I finish
my lunch, get up and leave. My other theory had been that the dining hall
had become suddenly packed while I had my back turned to it, but as I
left, I noticed that the ENTIRE HIGH TABLE was empty. So maybe I was just
in premium seating. People are fucking weird. I'll never understand
them.
SIX--
2118: I started to actually do some work, then realized I just
wasn't interested. If people need help with their computers at the
moment, they can call here. I have different things on my mind, on this
eve of a day of big decisions, in the big world and in my little world. I
still think of Lisa, Danny, Kris and Jenn as the new Senior Staff, so
quick has passed this last year. But then again, I look back at certain
aspects of one year ago and realize how much is different, how much is
better, and how moving on again is frightening but ultimately the only way
to keep surpassing ourselves.
SEVEN--
0304: Sometimes I wish I could erase her for a while.
2319: Thank goodness for NBC on the web! Thank goodness for the
amazingly close presidential campaign to entertain me this solitary
evening!
TWELVE--
1308: For those of you who don't already know, in one week I'll be
Manager of the Harvard Band. Yeah, I know, I'm insane.
I don't quite remember what I did last year at
this time. It was crisis time, and I've blocked the particular evening
out of my memory. I spent the day of the announcement in Boston, away
from everything and everyone. I went to the North End and bought cannoli,
and then I wandered to the northmost graveyard on the freedom trail and sat and
ruminated in a daze. I was losing my dear friend to renewed exile, I was
facing disappointment. I was thinking about an email which I found and
printed out tonight and now have in my back pocket. It encouraged me to
think about the real reasons why I had even joined band in the first
place, to understand what would remain important no matter what happened.
I thought about that. And then I went home and waited in my room, and
went to Justin's and waited in his room.
This year I'll take a slightly different approach
to the big day. I've got classes and I'm running subjects, and I'll
probably even write a response paper for Cold War. I've packed my hours,
opting for distraction instead of escape. There will still be those
hours, though, when it will be time to sit down and lay out the
perspective. And that will be the hardest time, but it will be the time
most important to what comes next. It will be time to organize my
thoughts and find peace in knowing I can deal with whatever happens.
Maybe now I need to
organize my thoughts on a few other topics.