0232: All day I felt a little too quiet. I can't wait until reading period. Then my full feistiness can run its course.
1149: Work, work, work, work, work. But the promise of reading period fun at Q-house makes me very amused.
TWO--
0206: Paranoia is the worst disease.
1312: The housing gods are good. Looks like we have a nice
apartment for the summer (my room is the living room, but hey, it's a good
deal), AND, after doing a statistical analysis, I have discovered that our
current room in Lowell House is one of the top 5 crappiest doubles, so our
room next fall has a 100% chance of being better. Unless it gets infested
with alligtors or burns down over the summer.
1610: I haven't made such extensive computer corrections of a piece
of writing since my Advocate days... it gives me a sort of sick nostalgic
glee. But I'm glad most of our articles weren't manifesto length... wait,
I forgot about the opinion pages... ;-)
FOUR--
1015: Weak, dude. Totally weak.
1320: PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT TO THOSE FOR WHOM IT IS NOT
ALREADY TOO LATE: Don't open attachments on your computer. Ever. But
especially don't open any attachment that comes in any email with LOVE
LETTER in the title. It will do bad things. We don't know how to fix it
yet. Just delete the email.
2048: We got an awesome room!!!!
FIVE--
0225: Mood swings on mood swings... little things set me off, then
I realize it, but then little things set me off again... and I really
really try, hardcore try to keep my brain in a happy place well after it
wants to wander away. That I at all succeed in keeping it together is a
small miracle.
SIX--
1249: You'll never believe the people with whom you'll end up
agreeing.
2004: I think the bugs have finally caught me.
SEVEN--
1223: Ever seen a horrible car wreck? You don't want to look at
it, but somehow you just can't keep your eyes away.
EIGHT--
0140: It's the quiet that's terrifying. It's those moments when
I'm alone and I want to be anything but alone... I don't want to
sleep. But there's nothing else to do if sanity is to be maintained. But
how can I sleep?
1135: I woke up about an hour ago, which is about two hours too
early for reading period. This is because I went to bed so damn early
last night. When I realized that this morning, it made me very
annoyed.
NINE--
0425: Lovely. Cackling. Disrespecting the elders. Sure all is
just fine.
1517: The last few days people have been reminding me of things I
remind myself of often enough... I don't mind. I suppose I'm actually a
bit grateful. Friends who care are worth everything.
2252: I took a nap for a few hours this evening. Longer than I
wanted to, really. But I suppose it doesn't matter. In my post-groggy
state, everything is eerily silent. It's almost 11pm, reading period, and
yet the world seems stopped again for another day.
TEN--
0046: Talking makes everything feel right and proper.
0148: People are made to dislike uncertainty. But we're also made
to handle it pretty well. In the end, we rarely screw ourselves over too
bad, and usually in the process we manage to be interesting at least.
1324: All my dreams last night (well, okay, this morning) had
disturbing/gross elements to them. In particular I recall waking up
rather abruptly after being surrounded by a multitude of spiders in a room
with a soggy floor. Later on, there were these two rodent-creatures in
the BR that we had to catch in trash cans. Somehow one ended up in my
root beer, and I forgot that I hadn't bought a new one and started
drinking it, until the thought occurred to me that there might be a rodent
in it; I shook the can upside down, and sure enough, its head popped out
the mouth of the can. Revolting. I'm not sure what my brain is doing.
ELEVEN--
0224: I should have a wheel to mark the days instead of a
calendar.
1424: I'm at work. Today is gross. The weather. The endless
rehearsal. The attitude. No matter what I tell myself, I just can't get
used to the latter. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should get real
pissed. Maybe I should just walk away. But I don't. Because it wouldn't
be fair. And I don't want to.
1444: I really wish I could go for a walk right now. Or kick
something. Because it would put me in a better mood.
TWELVE--
0353: What I was going to write here... none of your business.
1520: Stay with the current frame of things. Because everything is
so much different now. And so much better.
THIRTEEN--
0113: Tool-tastic! Heh.
FOURTEEN--
2212: I had a dream the other night that I was waltzing... now, I
don't really know how to waltz, although I've done it before,
awkwardly. But in the dream, our waltzing was as natural and smooth and
lovely as you could want...
FIFTEEN--
0032: I spent a lot of time alone today. Lately I haven't wanted
to see most people, and the few I do have managed to drive me away half
the time. Maybe this late in the year I should expect people to feel
suffocating. At any rate, I became especially frazzled thinking about the
current and future state of our little organization. Being frazzled on a
beautiful day leads to pilgrimage. Before I knew it I was at Mt. Auburn
Cemetary. It's quite something on a spring day. But there were sombering
thoughts to be found amongst the monuments... I had a vision of a young
man standing before one of those stones questioning how things could have
turned out better, and I realized I was living in that world he
imagined. Good thing, that. Tonight, before tea and writing a successful
rough draft, I felt a little dour yet. I wished I could be more
happiness-inspiring. I wished I could be more inspired myself. But we
sometimes have to live with good enough for now. But we always have to
hope for more.
2205: It's funny what won't faze you and what will drive you
mad. Extensive events might just bounce off. Little nights might dig
into you hard.
2343: Kenyon College, here I come!
SIXTEEN--
1224: I'm in a good mood today. I think it's adrenaline. I always
feel good in war. I always feel good when taking decisive measures.
2201: I'm sad. I don't know what to do. :-(
SEVENTEEN--
0219: It was all a big misunderstanding. So everything is better
on that front. But things aren't better on other fronts. I have a sense
of duty. But as Morgan would note, you can't expect to go about ignoring
how you feel.
2051: Evicted.
EIGHTEEN--
0423: Words, words, words. God, even I can fake tone of voice.
0436: Days passed in silence. Days, and days, and days. And that was how I was taught to
believe things would be. I know it's all different. I know everything has changed. But one lives a
little in the past, when one could expect the things one occasionally
fears now. Nothing changes
overnight. Sometimes new beliefs don't form so quickly. It's hard to live
down your past. I should know.
1453: What I have now is lack of assurance. But that will
probably change.
2338: My eyes are tired. And I'm suffering from a measurable lack
of serotonin.
NINETEEN--
1523: In my raincoat today, I found a Star Wars ticket, which
reminded me that I saw it a year ago today. I remembered that it rained
that day too. It was part of a week or so of not very fun days. Some
things change a lot; some things never change.
2015: Phase 1-- period of protest, characterized by acute
distress; Phase 2-- period of despair, characterized by general misery and
apathy; Phase 3-- period of detachment, characterized by lack of concern
for the absent party. The possibility of the last is terrifying.
TWENTY--
1033: Some people will never prove you wrong. Good ol' dependable
folks.
2008: Relief. *sigh*
TWENTY-ONE--
0019: Nevermind. I was happier in the quiet.
0938: When exams are over, I'm just going to sleep all day and pack
all night.
1131: It's not worth getting worked up about it. Very little is
tantamount to the end of the world, and this doesn't qualify.
1415: Nothing makes the world seem wonderful quite like having
front-row seats to a male strip
tease at Sunday brunch in the dining hall.
TWENTY-FOUR--
0118: I'll be this mom someday that will have my kid bring a date
home, and all I'll be able to do is think about how flawed that person
is, and I'll secretly smirk to myself about how ugly/stupid/boring the
focus of my poor inexperienced child's adoration is, but when asked I'll
reply just a little too emphatically, "Oh, I think blah is just so
intriguing! Cute too!" And then I'll turn around so I can smirk some
more. I can just see it.
1721: I've hit packer's block. Pretty much everything is sorted
out and packed up, but there's random crap floating around that I just
can't get myself to put away. I hate moving without a car. :-(
TWENTY-FIVE--
0126: I don't know why I bother. I don't know why I care. I
don't know what I'm doing here.
1628: I only moved once that I remember when I was a kid. We moved when I was two, but I only
have a vague recollection of it being warm and the place being different. Wouldn't be the first big
change in my life that summer. At any rate, we moved in August when I was ten, across town. I imagine
it was a much bigger hassle for my parents than it was for me, packing everything into the big truck. I
recall it being kind of pleasant unpacking into my new room, putting everything the way I wanted
it. Packing for college, and at the end of every year, is much harder than I remember moving ever being
that one time. It's so easy to get entrenched wherever you are.
1712: Perfect somethings make it all worthwhile. And then you remember why you bother.
TWENTY-EIGHT--
0251: Way to graduate, ho-bag!
1409: I'm realizing that a lot of my dreams lately seem to involve
getting from one place to another. Last night that wasn't the most
memorable part, but I always get this sense when I wake up that I'm always
trying to find a way to the next place in my dreams.
TWENTY-NINE--
1430: Summer promises a wealth of newness. That's why I'm staying
in Cambridge. To expand the world.
THIRTY-ONE--
2302: It's hard to tell when your feelings are really changing
sometimes. You think something for so long, and then one day... *poof*
and it's gone. Or it feels gone. Maybe it's just something else right
now. Or maybe it's on a long vacation. But I'm scared at my cold lack of
caring. Just when I was starting to care about some things I'd left
behind for a while. Maybe I only have a constant amount of interest to go
around.
Sometimes I stop and think
about what it is the
proper way to be. I don't want to be too dependent. Don't want to
isolate myself. Don't want to love too much. Don't want to be too
distant. Need to focus on work. Want to focus on everything else. I
have dreams of someday being in a position where I know exactly how to act
all the time; I suspect that place doesn't exist. It would be so nice. I
see in moments how it is like to know how to act, and I hold onto them
dearly. Maybe too dearly.
I have about two more
pages to go until I'm mostly
free.
In other news, work is
real fun today. But my
paper is done! And we're gonna get an awesome lottery pick. Because
nothing can stop this day!
Yesterday I was thinking
about the happy feeling
picnic tables give me. I really wish we had one at Lowell House. I love
to sit outside and do work, but it's much easier if you have a nice wooden
picnic table. There were lots of them at Kenyon College (along with some
really great wooden lawn chairs), and they provided me with endless
joy. There's nothing like an outdoor desk. Or lunch table. There's
nothing bad about them. Unless birds poop on them. That can be kind of
gross.
Sunshine gives me an
assortment of bubbly
thoughts. Instead of going to that god-awful social relationships class
yesterday, I walked to where I think our summer apartment is. It made me
very happy to think I'll be living in an apartment, in a real
neighborhood, with real folks. Made me want to have a front yard with a
garden and a cat and a barbecue grill... and then I felt all goofy and
domestic so I went to Linguistics.
I'm glad I don't have
people around who always try to manipulate me and give me guilt trips. My
friends may sometimes be assy and cranky, but at least we can communicate
with one another like productive adults.
My sister is on her way
home. Two weeks can be very short. Even when you're not really doing
that much. But this time of year moves very fast.
I just want to have
fun.
I'm not entirely sure what
to do with myself today. I don't mean that I don't know where to go and
what activities to complete; I mean that I don't know how to set my
mind. I used to have this habit of writing and knowing what I thought
about everything, but then again, I also had this habit of obsessing over
everything. These days I just live, and it's
enjoyable. But sometimes I wonder if that makes me heartless.
Excitement is better than
security.
Sometimes it's hard to
tell the difference between rationalizing and being rational.
Sometimes good still isn't
good enough.
I hear a lot of drumming
outside...
...She couldn't sleep that
night. She got out of bed and left, in her pajamas and sandals, without
her
glasses and wandered towards the river. She stared at the windows. She
picked up a phone but couldn't call anyone. She wandered along the shores
of the river, crossing the bridge, stamping along the muddy shore
barefoot, contemplating swimming back across. She sat on a bench in front
of the house and sang into the wind. She wandered back to the room and
looked for plastic bottles. She got scared and went home. And that was
another chime of the bell that would break....
What I need is a
plan. What's the plan?
Refuse to be
threatened.
Tomorrow I'm going to get up eventually. And then I'm
going to watch BS25 videos. And then I'll study for my exams. And then I'll work on my tutorial
journal. And after Monday, when all my school work is done, I will pack for a few days. And then I'll
go home. And then I'll come back. And eventually, everything will feel right once again. But if it
never does.... well, new ideas will come.
It's hard to know you've
wasted your care on something worthless. I suppose the only people that
win are those that frolick in the fields while others sicken themselves
with worry. Sometimes it seems the only way to win is to be a
bastard. But I can't wait to see the bastards fall as they always have
and will.
My roommate rules.
The committee makes
judgement.
I never realized how much
stuff one accumulates. And how little of it is necessary.
I remember now.