0052: I don't know what to do with transient sweetness.
0159: Patience is that virtue I would be wise to learn.
1156: I managed to get locked out of my room this morning while I was working on the computer across the hall. And of course I'm wearing a short-sleeved shirt and sandals since I wasn't expecting to leave the building without going back to my room first, sleeping for another three hours, and then going to class. But here I am, locked out, with nothing to do but sit in the Lowell House computer lab and waste time on the computer. This sort of thing invariably leads to thinking. I told the old Pro last night that I try to allot enough thinking time to confirm that I am satisfied with the way my life is progressing, but not enough time to start second-guessing myself. It doesn't always work. But I just try to remember to stay in touch with reality.
2346: My BS25 problem set was way easier than I could have ever
imagined. This rules. This means that I can totally goof off now.
While I was reinstalling Windows and then running
the marathon Magic Bullet disk on a computer today, I had some time to
write a fake letter. This has always been a form of catharsis for me: I
write a letter to a specific audience, with no intention whatsoever of
that audience ever reading it. Taking "Nights in White Satin" a little
far, perhaps. At any rate, it's a fabulous framework for muddling through
some thoughts, and at the very least, it's a good way to waste time.
Although I don't think I came to any very important conclusions while
writing, upon re-reading it now, it strikes me that despite being not so
clear about several of the intricacies and nuances of my current life,
there is an underlying security and comfort that isn't worth destruction
by overanalysis. I feel lately like I might be accused of advocating
shallowness and lack of self-reflection... but that's not it. I just
don't think you can live your life very far in the future, and it's easy
to ruin a lot of right now by muddling in it. You can only make the
foundations solid and hope the structure falls into place. And for the
last two months, no matter what was going on, I always felt like I could
roll with it, which is so very good.
TWO--
0008: Why am I drinking coffee right now?
2300: Thursday nights don't lend themselves to much excitement.
THREE--
0047: Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday...
FIVE--
1701: More than being happy about being 20, I'm more glad that I'm
not 19 anymore. Although the last several months were extremely good.
SIX--
0159: So, after several conversations and much consideration, I
have made several important conclusions. First of all, I have decided
that I've been relying too much upon my small group of friends for all my
social needs. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends. But
there comes a time when expansion is desireable, and there's no time like
when a stable core has been solidified. It's kind of like Harlow's
monkeys: the securely attached ones have a strong relationship with the
caregiver, which allows them to explore their environment. I have a solid
relationship with my friends, which will allow me to explore outside my
normal group. So, my major conclusion is that I need to stop being lazy,
shy, and withdrawn and get out there and talk to people, engage new folks
in activity and conversation. It can only lead to good things.
ELEVEN--
1847: I've been uninspired to write. I've been confused. I've
been bored. I've been busy. I've been vague, which always lends itself
to plan changes every five minutes, but not web page additions. I don't
know why.
FIFTEEN--
2003: There's very little better than to have someone care enough
to listen to your issues and then take the extra step to help you come
up with a plan of attack. That keeps me happy for days.
SIXTEEN--
0000: Happy 21st Birthday J!
0049: It's refreshing to know that at least those kids knew where the fun was at.
NINETEEN--
1552: Yesterday I awoke feeling a thousand shades better than
expected, both physically and mentally. I was bumbling through some old
stuff I wrote about a month ago, and I was delighted to see that some of
my more optimistic findings held true, despite that life is a bit less
exciting these days. At moments I might find myself annoyed, pissed off,
lonely, or restless, but never again will I find myself fundamentally
wounded. And that's something for many of us to be happy about.
2233: I don't know why I can't work in my room at all. I end up putzing around analyzing
basketball tournament brackets and reading newsgroups. I have to go elsewhere to be at all
productive.
TWENTY--
1209: My poor kids. They've all got a thousand problems.
TWENTY-ONE--
0021: It's nice to see your friends be happy. But it makes them less exciting. ;-)
TWENTY-TWO--
2240: Everyone should point their browser now to here and look at my high
school. They finally updated the web page some, which excites me to no
end. What made me really happy was to take the picture tour. I think I'm
just excited to be going home this weekend.
TWENTY-NINE--
1208: I hate modems.
I had a lovely time this weekend. Many thanks to
the kids who were there.
This afternoon I was walking back from work and
thinking about someone I'd like to get to know better but who I don't
really see all that often. The thought popped into my head that I should
call him up and ask him to do something, after which some other part of my
mind promptly slapped down the idea as incongruent with the Way Things
Work in my world. As occasionally happens, I was led to question said
Way, and it occurred to me that I tend to take a passive role in
instigating friendships; that is to say that my relationships begin by
getting to know people through lots of random proximity, or because the
other person takes the initiative to get to know me, after which I might
take interest back. (I can hear Storey commenting in my head, "From the
No-Crud Bureau, A.C. reporting." Shut up). The limitations of
this approach becamse suddenly quite clear to me. Perhaps this shall
prompt some change.
I couldn't get to sleep last night.
Beware the Ides of March!
I can't believe how many upsets there were this weekend in the tourney. The
apocalypse is upon us.
There are a lot of things I wish I could express right now.
That big ol' boat is filling up. I'm standing on the shore, staring at those
storm clouds...
I didn't drink coffee after dinner, and was a
wreck of a human being by 8pm. So I went out and got coffee, and now I
won't be able to fall asleep for hours. This has really got to stop. But
it won't. Especially considering my plans to drink lots of coffee
next week at various locations. See this, for example...
become a student again
live at the Frontier
check for mail
research
shop, shop, shop
And yeah, that's EST... soon to be EDT!
Let's sum up my week in a few (okay, maybe more
than a few) sentences. Saturday I left for home; my passport was
requested at the ticket counter... just on more sign I don't live in the
US. I sent a tacky postcard from Dallas, because everything there is
royally tacky. I went to the Frontier with the kiddies that
night. Sunday I watched hoops, the Oscars, and asked my family how they
speak. Monday I sat in the sun and read, and checked my email. Yesterday
I read some more, went to the mall, and tried to avoid the rain. Lemme
tell ya, rain here is a million times nicer than in Boston, because it
doesn't get that cold, and it doesn't rain that hard for that long. Today
I intend to read some more, but probably at the Frontier before going to
meet my dad for lunch. I have decided to stop being larpy, but not until
after break, of course. Who would I be without putting things off.
Oh, and another thing. I've decided that life is
really freakin' awesome.