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TWO--

1744: My ankle feels just fine today. No real harm done. Just a bit swollen.
        While I was doing appointments the other night, I came to the realization that I was actually enjoying work quite a lot. And today I wish I had some more work than I do... maybe it's just because it's harder to occupy time. Work is productive. And nothing else is my life is really productive right now. I was told that summer would be fun, and there has been quite a bit of fun, but maybe my expectations were too high.

THREE--

2150: On a night like this, three years ago doesn't feel far away. It's that perfect temperature and humidity. We slept out on a hill because all the campgrounds had been full. We played this game which basically entailed asking the group fairly personal questions like, "What is your biggest insecurity?"-- my favorite by far. That week was the start of the most perfect days of my life. I wonder if I'll ever again find anything to even approximate that perfection.

FIVE--

1427: I determined to day that I am not only chemically but also psychologically addicted to coffee. I was rushing about all frazzled because the help desk was hell today, and as I'm rushing back from one lab to the desk, it occurred to me that I had almost a full cup of coffee still sitting behind the desk because I hadn't had time to drink it. The immediate relaxation I felt at this thought was quickly replaced by the awareness of just how relaxed that silly thought had made me. But coffee is so lovely. So dependable. I CAN QUIT ANYTIME I WANT, I TELL YOU!!!!
        Yesterday we went to the Esplanade to hear the Pops and see things pop. It was pretty awesome. It's kind of crazy to be in a town in which pretty much everyone does one major thing for the 4th. It's like bonding with all of Boston. Or being a sheep with all of Boston. It's well worth sitting around all day, though.
        What engages your attention more? Some might choose Cosmo. I personally like Glamour better, but that's beside my point. "And should I have the right to smile?"

SIX--

2245: I was telling my sister tonight that people really need to come with signs that explain all the really vital things about them... maybe this is why I only spend time with people in my immediate social group because I can play middle school when I wanna know what someone is thinking by getting info from all their friends. But if I don't *know* a person's friends, I can only rely upon teasing things out from direct interaction with that person or by internet stalking, which is not so effective usually. And even if I knew some most basic biographical facts, then I could start to interpret actions... yargh! All I know is that for the first time in a hell of a long time, I'm starting to feel real interest, and I don't want to be wasting my hopes on logistically impossible happenings. I want it to be excitement towards a possible goal... and like I thought to myself the other night with regard to something else, hope is so enticing, but so dangerous.
        In other news, some people will disappoint you profoundly in the end. Asshole. No one messes with my peeps and walks freely.

TEN--

2218: The first step is to ensure that you have the right equipment. Once you have that, then you can proceed with the compatibility testing. There are various tests which can be performed. What you do after that, however, is beyond my knowledge.
        This is what I've been aiming for for months now. Things may go nowhere, but for now I am very engaged. Alive even.

ELEVEN--

1457: I forgot to mention that I got a raise yesterday. I got a pretty good review from the boss of the spring semester. What I know is that I didn't really do that much. This summer has been a whole nother story, however. I was talking with a fellow UA yesterday about how it's much easier to keep high spirits during the summer, because school work isn't dragging you into apathy. I can actually feel a sense of accomplishment from taking care of problems, instead of not really caring. I hope I can take it into the year, so that I'll have another activity that I can be jazzed about.

TWELVE--

2056: I'm currently working on creating article for this UA knowledge base I'm helping make this summer. It's been a damn long time since I really sat down at a computer and worked on a project like this. It's pretty painful. I'm not used to working in the lab either. I'm used to being at my own computer and having a million distractions, food, ICQ... having just email and telnet isn't enough because no one is online right now. So the time passes really slowly...

THIRTEEN--

1444: I'm currently feeling pretty irritated, and then I feel bad for being judgemental, and then I just get more annoyed at that. I just don't understand people sometimes. I have this article in mind today, about happiness and the effects of wealth, friends, and faith on it. The relevant part was that on wealth; it seems that beyond a certain threshhold, more wealth does not make people more happy because humans adapt quickly to a new standard of living. We forget what it's like to have less. So, the man who has everything still wants more, but doesn't realize he won't be happier with more. I suppose if I were to really break down this problem I'd be thinking about a lot more factors than this simple wealth/happiness theory. My point, however, is that I get real pissed when someone who has pretty much everything I would ever want sits around wanting more. And then I get pissed at myself for wanting more than what I have. The idea of having a deep and meaningful life is getting everything you can out of what you already have. It's a shallow, shallow life you build when you just keep adding more and more and getting less and less out of each element. But having a deep and meaningful life is a recent development in the desires of humanity.

SIXTEEN--

2129: I was writing here, but got interrupted and didn't bother to save... my evening got instantly better. But my motivation to do anything even a little productive just flew away as I shall now spaz around the room watching the windows.

EIGHTEEN--

1620: Suddenly everything has more life to it. People I see every day are even more exciting. It's just a priority shift... I was in a rut for quite a while, and I feel like I'm out, free, and finally able to move forward. At least more than usual.
        I was also going to write on this issue but was too busy experiencing. I think happiness is a vague concept. Pleasure, satisfaction, contentment, assurance, confidence, security... there's more, but the point is that happiness isn't necessarily a matter of constant positive stimulus or ignorance of reality. I, for one, wouldn't be happy if there weren't some good psychodrama to fill up the time... my whole valuing artistic living. But I mean happiness in the sense of contentment, I think. But not complacency. I get all tangled just trying to write about it. I suppose when I get down to stating the major goal of my life actions, I attempt to live in such a way that I will not regret what I do and what happens to me. This means that even when bad things happen, if I can learn from them, I generally don't feel overly much regret about them. If what I learn from them is worth less to me than the damage these things cause to others or to myself, then I feel regret. To me, in a general sense, happiness is a lack of regrets. Whether I should regret more than I do is another topic entirely. I have some other thoughts here, but I don't think it's worth beating the heads of dead horses against a brick wall. Yeah.

TWENTY-SEVEN--

1526: I've been ignoring writing. Things have been pretty good. Last weekend we went to a Red Sox game on Friday and to Six Flags on Saturday. There are no plans for this weekend, but there were no plans for last weekend either... everything just fell together spontaneously. It's the only way to be.
        It's raining today, and I didn't really get enough sleep. And I have an appointment this evening in the slot I was just about to cancel. But my mood remains rather good. There's no drama to the summer, that's for sure; but if I can manage to fill my various quotas of interaction with all my peeps, then I can survive without the drama. Although I feel a little boring.

Seasoning

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