1236: This is all your fault. Take pride in that. I would be lying if I said I'm not partially controlled by my friends. I would say "influenced" but that's a lie. The world is about control. But I have enough power of my own. Except that I'm wearing my band uniform at work. Nothing is really more humbling.
1316: I go to start my psychology reading on dreams, and the first thing I see is a drawing by Beroalde de Verville called Le Songe de Poliphile, but the caption says "Seven virgins being transformed." They're all turning into trees. This disturbs me.
1637: I saw a book today called _Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say_, and I was like, "Yeah!" Then I realized it follows that men can't hear what women don't say, and I was like, "Shit!"
ELEVEN--
0203: And then there were three. But maybe not even that.
2040: Boys are dirty.
TWELVE--
0114: I will smile. I
will hold my head up. Because I am better than all of it. That's something I've been
trying to get other people to see; now it's time to practice what I
preach. So, fuck you. I refuse to be empty.
0159: Romantic words I'd love to hear: "Erp, I think I'm going to
be
sick." Riiiight. ;-)
0321: Don't mind the teasing here... I'm just shaking my head and chuckling. And showing the
girls
how to really get their "pleasure" from the pole.
0554: G noted a long time ago about a friend of ours that he didn't
even look innocent while sleeping.
1501: Every muscle in my leg is screaming out with the angst of
HELL! Why am I so dumb as to succumb to women's fashion?
THIRTEEN--
1409: So, last night after researching the possible distance on the
internet, we decided to walk to IHOP. It was a good 45-minute walk both
ways, but a fine way to kill three hours on a Saturday night. The worst
part was probably getting seated due to massive post-barhop crowds. It's
definitely a plan for future use.
FOURTEEN--
1524: Well kids, we are accomplishing our mission. How am I
supposed to
get any work done when we entertain ourselves so very well?
2212: I am an insatiable girl who wants to be entertained every
evening. Save me from tutorial reading!
FIFTEEN--
0139: Contrasts can be painful. But I really can't complain.
1603: Tuesday afternoon... is freaking boring! But I got a
package in the mail. Which is kind of nice. I like to get
things. Despite the impression I give people. It's just all sour
grapes. Deep down I'm a big sap.
SIXTEEN--
0117: Today can only be described as enh. I spent the majority of
it reading alone, and then I didn't go to the hockey game because I didn't
want to walk all the way over there by myself and I thought it wasn't
going to be worth going. But it was a good game and it went into
overtime, and I missed it. Just my luck. And then *someone* was
cranky! :p *I'm* the only one who is allowed to be cranky.
1557: Walking outside just now, I heard birds and saw lots of
grass and thought, "Shit, dude! It's spring!" I never believed I could
have that thought here in February.
SEVENTEEN--
0145: I'd like to escape to those moments of security, warm, quiet,
free. I feel such a disjoint amongst my relationships... companionship here, fun
elsewhere... but never reliable, never all in one place. Maybe happiness is just
pieced together.
0341: The worst kind of addictions don't require psychoactive
substances or impulsive activities. Emotional addiction is the worst.
1218: We got a light dusting of snow last night, after getting
home, fortunately. When I walked outside this morning, someone had
written in it two-foot high block letters saying "HELP ME."
1536: Lessons you can never learn enough-- always make sure to redo things
yourself because other people will fuck them up.
2315: Now is the part of the cycle where we see the phenomenon of
destructive interference.
EIGHTEEN--
0037: Resolution is really simple. That's why it doesn't happen.
0114: Thanks. Refresh and regenerate.
NINETEEN--
1542: I should never believe I'll get work done on a Saturday.
TWENTY--
0541: I took a walk tonight. Snowflakes drifted down to me, but
it was warm and calm. Sometimes being alone is not lonely.
1526: Debate kids are really funny.
TWENTY-ONE--
0417: I stayed up until four watching Superman. What's wrong with
me? Sometimes I wish I could just rip out the stupid parts of my brain so
the rest of me could function normally.
1341: I've got to start working.
2220: Reading would be better if my mind didn't have to wander
elsewhere.
TWENTY-TWO--
1451: Some people enjoy playing with explosives.
2122: I like being expected.
TWENTY-FOUR--
1253: Yargh! Work!
TWENTY-SEVEN--
1558: Last week felt very dissociative at times. I'd be standing
somewhere and have vivid flashes of being in some past place. I'd see
someone from afar and have a flash of recognition, only to realize that
I'd thought it was someone from a long time ago. Today is particularly
weird, being delightfully warm and breezy. The stomach twistings that
spontaneously arise and the associations I have with springtime in
Cambridge are not compatible with my current contentment. Time to make
new associations, I suppose.
Song to be arranged of the
day: Hot Stuff
If you have a choice between two dead ends roads,
each with their own
special obstacles and terminations, what do you do?
"Don't listen to her. She lied to me last
week! She can't be
trusted." Yep, give it thirty years, and it's him.
Why do I get that bad feeling about tonight...
You're so fierce. When are you going to become
strong? Because you
deserve to live your life better than you currently can.
I just love suspicion.
In other news, I'm a little cranky this
morning... well, afternoon. I had
icky dreams. The worst one was probably one in which a bunch of people
were hanging around all over the band room, and a bunch of my friends were
running around having all sorts of fun, and I just got left out of
everything. Everyone seemed to be having more fun the less I was
around. The hideous thing about the dream is that it doesn't seem to
totally lack basis in reality. I'm also extremely paranoid as of
late. And at work, which is never a good time.
When I realized what day it was, I didn't feel bad
at all. I was just
content with the simplicity of it all.
I realized today just how much work I have due
next
week, and I am not a
happy camper about it.
In good news, I got out of section early, and
today
has been greatly
productive. This can only lead to eventual debauchery.
I was ready to concede that there was
misunderstanding and move
on. Moving on isn't so easy for everyone.
How do you put up with feeling neglected? How do
I
put up with bouts of
rage? Reason doesn't rule us. You said it yourself, that the
moments when things work out make it all worthwhile, despite those times
that don't.
So, on my way back to the BR last night, I had the
misfortune of walking
past a crowd of finals clubbers. The boys were all very drunk and VERY
loud. One of them was attempting to kick the rear-view mirror off of a
car. There are never cops around when you'd like them. At any rate, it
made me realize that no matter how dumb our boys might get while under the
influence, they never turn into monsters. So, boys, you may never ever
hear this again, but mad props to you for not being total idiots.
Possibility is more dangerous than you could ever
believe.
My stomach hurts today. No matter what I put in
or
leave out of it, it
just stays knotted up. Anxieties don't respond well to physical
remedy.
What do you expect to gain?
There's something so free about being done with
tutorial for the week.
I was standing in the bathroom this morning when I
suddenly had a flash of
being outside the windows of the All-Star Music building at Disney
World, looking in at my friends getting a late dinner. I don't know
why. I may never quite understand how the nights could be so different
from the days back then. But I thank heavens every day that the way I am
is so vastly different now.
I concluded today that my coffee addiction is most
certainly back: I
couldn't manage to be hungry enough for lunch, but I had no problem
drinking my whole cup of coffee. Now I feel just great. But I can quit
at any time, I tell you!
To my roommate: I hope you had a lovely
birthday. And as Keary would say, bow chicka bow wow.