Today actually was Scott's birthday. Much to my confusion.
TWO--
0400: I love Daylight Savings Time. Just not on the day in which
it starts. Not after flying all day. Not after catching up with friends
all night.
0440: Being awake this late can only lead to thinking which will
lead to irreparable unhappiness. I will sleep now.
THREE--
2235: Strange fog greets me. It has been fairly warm. The warm
moisture has a certain smell that forces me to remember. I wish I didn't
have to remember. The people we are now are not the people we were then,
and yet we can't ever quite escape them. Sometimes we have to wonder how
those people ever made it past that moment.
FOUR--
0954: It's easy to get busy. It's easy to say you'll do something
tomorrow. It's easy to let time slip by. That's why I grab at things by
the minute. Maybe it will help me live by the minute too.
1154: I know what I want to say here, I just can't seem to do
it. Don't underestimate your influence. What feels like wasting time on
a grand scheme may be incredibly productive on a smaller
scale. Big things come from little things. None of that really quite
captures my sentiment. The real sentiment is gratitude, awe,
admiration. I don't know how to express that quite right. I'm not even
sure if that's it. There's a lot
to be said for managing to get your mind straight and your personal
relations healthy and yourself functioning enough to even be able to
consider how to go about branching out to greater spheres. That's success
that can't be ignored as such. I don't know what I'm saying here. It's
all quite clear in my head.
1325: I walked to BU and back today. It took exactly one
hour. :-)
FIVE--
0357: Maybe it's how I cope. I just don't expect anything. I
expect to survive like a rock on my own, and whenever I've come not to
expect that, it's been my downfall. There have been a thousand times I
was convinced that I'd be far happier cooped up in a cave somewhere, away
from any human contact. But time has proven that I can't stay away for
even a moment. But maybe I should. I'm told that I terrify. Why do I
intimidate? What am I missing because I refuse to be anything but me,
bold, cold, and cruel? But all I see is weakness, insecurity, discomfort,
desire, longing, aloneness. That's me. I can overlap general
contentment, but underneath, nothing fundamentally changes. Nothing ever
has. The only thing that has varied from time to time is the amount of
brutality and appearance of disdain with which I can coat myself. I'm
unconvinced that anyone will ever change that foundation, or that that
foundation will ever give anyone a desire to change it.
1020: I just had a dream that there was a huge sand beach playground on the way to class. It was
an incredibly warm day, and there were mobs of people playing soccer and volleyball and whatever else. I
had to go to class, but was planning to come back later. In passing through, I found myself crawling
toward the end, not because I was tired, but because it was more comfortable, padding about like a baby
in the sand.
2025: When it's cold outside, I become somewhat restless because I want to do things, but don't
want to deal with the wind. It's time for spring already, dammit!
SIX--
1226: It's appalling how some people resist changing over
time. Whiny melodrama should leave with preteen angst.
1332: Wow, it really bites when fas goes down and you're at the
help desk.
1342: The old Pro brought it up, and that reminded me to rant,
because I don't think I have before, about that bag scene from American
Beauty. My sister agreed with me too, so I'm not the only cynic out
there. But when I first saw that white plastic bag blowing around, my
thought was that it perfectly described my life and everybody's
else's... there it was, trapped in a dingy little alley, stuck blowing
always in a circle by forces over which it had no control. It was smacked
back and forth, thrown into the leaves not to rest but just to be tossed
back up again. So when the kid starts talking about it dancing... that
just surprised me, quite frankly. But maybe that dichotomy was set up on
purpose between what I expected and what I got for the explanation of this
little tortured white bag. I think to the end of the movie, when Lester
is talking about how he is thankful for every moment of his stupid little
life. Perhaps the bag is both stuck in a crappy, tiring, helpless circle
and managing to dance all the while, holding on to playfulness when there
could be exhaustion. I don't know. The bag just made me really sad.
1647: Today was bizarro-Thursday in terms of weather. It was
crappy and cold while I was in class all day until the moment class ended, when
it became sunny and gorgeous.
SEVEN--
0316: Life isn't so much unfair as, well, unfair.
EIGHT--
0015: Everything in life is damn near perfect.
1357: "Near" being the key word.
1655: All talk.
NINE--
0115: Some things just make you realize how tired you are.
TEN--
0357: Wendy Kroy is my hero.
2342: I'm taking notes for tutorial, and one of the articles notes that people with friends cope with trauma
more successfully. For some reason that reminded me of a time a while ago... there was this older woman, and after
she'd met the third or fourth friend of mine who had come by, she commented to me that I was lucky to have so many
people who cared about me. I knew I'd be okay right then. Even now I can watch the clock and know when my
friends will be coming, and that comfort and security build up inside just a little more. I wondered if all the
people who didn't see friends and didn't expect to see them every day could ever have hope of being happy again.
ELEVEN--
0229: People who hold tightly to their misery piss me off.
1450: Writing tutorial notes about happiness doesn't really make
me that happy.
TWELVE--
0021: ...it was another sleepless, anxious night, part of a
seemingly endless streak of them. The phone call the night before, very
late, very incoherent, had lead to the current chat, full of niceties and
false image of well-being. And God only knows what else. Just part of
the mystery and the muddled nonsense that made up those cold spring
days...
1850: Siggy said he doesn't really know enough to say anything
substantial, but wants to know if Lizzie is hot.
2054: I had been way off in my estimate of the timing.
2257: It would have taken me far less time to finish my problem
set if I hadn't putzed around so long. But I suppose I managed to resolve
something that had been bugging me, and not get frustrated and give up on
the problem set itself. But still, what a time waster I can be.
FOURTEEN--
1939: Act like a dick in public, and you might get called on
it. Go figure.
FIFTEEN--
0312: Mindless fun is, well, fun. The will to party without
distraction leads to a good evening.
SIXTEEN--
1440: This is going to be a long Sunday.
EIGHTEEN--
0016: I had this dream last night that I killed a bird, with a
stick, like some hunters I saw on TV. I was pretty unimpressed by the
hunting skills of these people, considering it probably took me about
thirty seconds to disable the bird with my stick, swat at it a few more
times, and eventually give it a good thwack to put it out completely. It
was sort of sickening, the poor little bird.
0941: Real Bad Plans-- starting Spartacus at 1 am.
1555: With worthless weather like this, going back to bed and
sleeping into the afternoon is a proftable venture.
2347: Wave of destruction starts now. May it travel far and wide.
NINETEEN--
2001: I'm in a better mood today. My visit to Countway was
incredibly efficient and productive, which is always wonderful. And I
feel less pessimistic than I have the last two days. There's something
about April, between the hell of midterms and the hell of end-of-term
there's this Purgatory of cold spring, stagnant, lifeless. At least April
at home meant tearing down the walls because it was so incredibly
beautiful out that no one could stand to be inside. There isn't even that
motivation around here. But things could be on the ups. Change is
getting nearer. I have a feeling that by the time dear old summer rolls
around, the world will be radically different than what we see now.
TWENTY--
0458: Half.
TWENTY-ONE--
0333: I wish, I wish, I wish. But still, everything is right.
1644: I hate rain! But I got a haircut, and that is good.
TWENTY-TWO--
0252: You never want to shake a closed bottle too hard. But it'd
be nice to get the cap off more easily.
1253: Boston weather can bite my ass. Flights should not be
cancelled in April.
TWENTY-FOUR--
0030: There's a lot to be said for life. And if you can face the world on
an even kilter, it's better still. If the good things about the way you feel
don't change much from day to day, the poorer days don't get you down, and the
better
days don't hurl you into ecstatic delusion. You can then go about living
constructively and fearlessly, because you know that never again can you let
yourself down.
1537: My alarm woke me up at nine this morning. I didn't have
class until one, so I disagreed with the alarm about my need to get up,
and turned it off. But then I started thinking about how the rough draft
of my sophomore essay is due real soon, and this caused me some
panic. This only caused me to really want to sleep even more. But I came
up with a plan of attack, and then I went back to sleep, and in my dream I
discussed the plan with some classmates who thought it would work out just
fine. So when I woke up I realized the situation wasn't so dire. It's
all about keeping cool.
1956: If I could take a pill every day that would make the thinking
parts of me speed up and the anxious parts of me lower down, I would take
it every day. But maybe that's just because I need to work on my paper
and nothing has gone right today yet.
2128: Today I talked to two people, one male and one female, about
the exact same thing, and it struck me how very different our
conversations were. It hearkened back to the gossip paper I'm writing
about how gossip between two men doesn't differ much from gossip between a
man and woman, whereas gossip between two women shows up far more
frequently and quite differently than those other groups. It felt a
little weird falling so fully into such a prototype, considering I usually
don't... but there I was, structuring my story vastly differently with two
close friends, because the genders involved changed what was important
about it. Guy gets the facts, girl gets the involved
emotions. Yikes.
TWENTY-FIVE--
1051: Fundamental differences, again.
TWENTY-SIX
1135: Band computer = diseased whore. Because I needed more
hassle with this paper.
TWENTY-SEVEN--
1224: I'm not sure what it means to always be in synch with someone
else. I'm not if that's desirable. I think there's something to be said
for the process of being off every so often, of looking across the room at
someone you've known forever and thinking, "Who the fuck are you?" It's
good to get that ooky discomfort occasionally. Otherwise you start to
forget your friends are even there.
TWENTY-EIGHT--
0728: I wish this would be over. So I can focus on defending
myself.
0959: Damn FAS.
TWENTY-NINE--
1447: Life is bouncy...
Sometimes I wish I could see all the things I know
I must be missing.
I'd love to solve your problems. The opportunity
will never present itself.
I actually went to the MAC and exercised last
night. More signs of the apocalypse. It made me very hyper.
Today I get to play with human brains in the bio
lab. Most people get pretty squeamish about this. It sort of comforts me
to know that that very brain long ago made the decision to be with us
today, and I wonder what kind of life it lived.
I'm at work, can't you tell?
This is your reminder: Update your web page.
The thing is, I can't even blame being
confused. I'm not at all confused. Everything is quite clear. And not
even really bad. I can't even blame badness.
The course of the world is just a collision of
everyone's desires.
I'd like more than anything to find someone with a
genuine confidence, rather than the appearance of one to cover up
inconsistency and confusion. It would be amazing.
Today was good. Sunshine, basketball, indian
food, ice cream, and lots of people, at least for a while. I've got to
remind myself today was good. It's important to focus on now and not
let the
big picture get out of hand.
The things that seem most possible but will always
and forever be impossible are the events of your life in a parallel
universe.
That wall astonishes me; it's hard for me to
believe that with so much linking people they can be so severed.
In other news, I have thoughts, but I'm not quite sure what direction I'd like to take them,
and if I were to take a certain direction, I'd need some moral support. I feel like middle school sometimes.
I saw a racoon crossing the road as I was walking
home tonight. It was really cool to see such large wildlife in the city,
but it appeared to be limping a bit, which made me sad.
I can't remember what else I was going to say
here.
464!
If only popular opinion could prevail on certain
matters.
It's important to have a good water bottle.
Desired emotions elicited. We like, we like to
party.
Vermin outside the BR... thank god for responsible
bandie boys.
Sleep now is crucial.
I'm at work. Nothing is going on. I can't decide
what to do with myself. April is a terribly stale month. I keep hoping
for some drama, but nothing comes up. No torrid romances, no twisted
breakups, no ecstasy, no anguish. I think this must be why I dyed my hair
black last April. Just to stir things up from their mundane state. Amd
yet I have a billion things I need to accomplish before the start of
reading period. None of them are particularly interesting, though.
Mystery is what's missing.
I'm watching things change, almost imperceptibly,
all around me. Maybe it's the rain... but I see tiny bits of evidence
that minds are shifting, interactions growing and moving and
falling... and now the thunder is really here. I'm looking up for the
spark that will really set things in motion.
Icing can be pretty good.
Where next? Dunno. But better get a
surfboard.
It disgusts me how some people think everything is
about them. Ugh.
Our third act tonight features the wonderful
triangle...
I hate the limits of nature.
I wish the computer with Word on it was free right
now...
Why can't the individual and the collective both be productive and functional at
the same time?