HAPPY FREAKIN' CONSPIRACY MONTH!

February is Conspiracy Month.  It used to just be that there was just a Conspiracy Day, but the management has deemed the insidiousness of this event to warrant a whole month of paranoia. 

This month you will find yourself surrounded by vile pink hearts, beckoning you to express your inner sap by busting out your wallet and purchasing a card with a flower cutout heart photo on the front and a message inside such as "The nicest kind of day is one that's filled with thoughts of someone special... this is that kind of day, and you are that special someone."  What the hell kind of crap is that?  I've read emails with more meaning.  And what's up with those candy hearts anyway?  Don't you ever wish you could give ones away that said, "Go $%#^@ yourself!"  or "Touch me and die, @!*%head."  And how many boxes of chocolates can one take?  I can't really say more on that beyond what has already been said.

This month is all about couples.  Big business wants you not only to buy all their stupid lovey-dovey junk, but they also want you to procreate and have little consumer demons.  It's well known to all who think about it that February is that dead time of winter before spring when people are totally depressed.  No one would procreate during this time of the year unless encouraged by contrivances such as Conspiracy Day.  It is quite unnatural and immoral.

In my past experience, I have also had an inordinate numbers of quizzes and tests on Conspiracy Day.  I am still very bitter about that Calculus test I bombed two years ago on Conspiracy Day.  If it's going to be forced upon me as a holiday, it should also cause school to be closed.

For the above reasons, this month is declared to  be Conspiracy Month.  Fear not, my friends!  Good shall triumph over evil!  You can help the side of good by boycotting this unnatural and vile holiday.  Do not purchase goods related to this holiday.  If you feel you must express your love for certain fellow human beings, don't do it through helping consumerism.  And by all means, do not procreate! Furthermore, I believe Conspiracy Day is all about dishonesty-- giving cheesy greetings to people you really don't like and crying that you aren't spending time with the person you really love because you're too scared to say anything.  Therefore, to fight the forces of evil, try to make Conspiracy Day a day of honesty instead.  Fight, and we shall win!

Yours in the good fight,

MQ

I've felt the coldness of my winter

Go home now.